Michael Jackson, self-proclaimed king of pop, self-proclaimed black man, self-denied child molester, died yesterday at the age of 50. Since Avitable.com is the official place for the newly deceased to provide their first posthumous interviews, MJ granted me some time late last night. However, he was a bit reluctant, so I had to resort to some trickery and a guest star to make the interview happen.
Me: (hiding in the back) Hi! I’ll be right out!
MJ: Oh, okay. I brought the stuff you asked. (holds up brown bag)
Me: Okay, great. I can’t wait! Have a seat and I’ll be right there.
MJ: (sits down) Do you want me to open the wine?
The door opens.
MJ: Who are you?
CH: Hi, Michael, or should I say, KingCherryPopper1978? My name is Chris Hansen.
MJ: You protect all of the beautiful children of the world!
CH: I wish it were that simple. We actually work very hard here on “To Catch a Predator” to catch child molesters and sexual predators before they act.
MJ: Whee! (claps his hands) Who are you after today?
CH: Well, Michael, why did you come here today? Was it to have sex with Decoyvitable, who you thought was a 13-year old boy? (I come out and take over the interview)
MJ: I would never do such a thing. I love all of the world’s children, especially the ill ones because I can give them a place to come visit and give them medicine.
Me: But didn’t you say in your chat, “I want to “Beat It” and “Don’t Stop ’til You Get Enough” while you “Give In To Me” “In the Closet” until we “Come Together”?” This is a direct quote from your chat.
MJ: That’s all being taken in the worst possible light. I like to sit sick children on my knee and sing my old songs to them, and if you are a mean ol’ adult, you might misunderstand something.
Me: But you also say “I want you to “Remember the Time” that we had a “Thriller” and “Just a Little Bit of You” touched “Another Part of Me” until either of us “Scream”.”
MJ: Once again, you’re taking my conversation out of context.
Me: Okay, maybe for those, but then there’s this line: “I want to play with your little boy cock.” Did you want to, Michael? To play with his little boy cock?
MJ: Oh no no no. I have my very own. I just wanted to lay with him in bed and tell stories and talk about girls and listen to music and touch his butthole and maybe have a pillow fight and . . .
Me: Wait. What did you just say?
MJ: “Have a pillow fight?”
Me: No, before that.
MJ: “Listen to music?”
Me: After that.
MJ: “Have a pillow fight?”
Me: No, before that, but after the “Listen to music” part.
Me: Sigh. You said you wanted to touch his butthole. Does that sound innocent to you?
MJ: It is innocent. I’ve always wanted to have a place where I could create everything that I never had as a child. And that place is a child’s butthole.
Me: Let’s move on. Do you think that your music is enough of a contribution to the world at large that your depravity should have been given a free pass?
MJ: I’m getting tired of these insults and hard questions. You are all sick people. I’m leaving.
Me: I wouldn’t do that.
MJ runs away with the police chasing after him. The police yell at Michael Jackson to stand down. He turns and faces them, with one knee slightly cocked, arms extended at his sides. He flips his head to the right and the left with lightning speed, extends his arm, arches his pelvis and we hear a loud “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” A huge wind blows the police officers over. Michael begins to walk slowly for the exit. One remaining officer pulls out his taser gun and shoots it at Michael. It hits him square in the forehead, and he falls to the ground, quietly saying “who’s bad? oh billie jean” before drifting off into unconsciousness.
As a special bonus, here is my two question interview with the recently deceased Farrah Fawcett! (Apologies to MAD Magazine)
Me: Did you have any trouble finding the interview location?
FF: (giggles distractedly) No, not at all.
Me: Would you like some coffee?
FF: Yes, that would be great.
Me: Thank you for taking part in our two-question interview!
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