Michael Jackson, self-proclaimed king of pop, self-proclaimed black man, self-denied child molester, died yesterday at the age of 50. Since Avitable.com is the official place for the newly deceased to provide their first posthumous interviews, MJ granted me some time late last night. However, he was a bit reluctant, so I had to resort to some trickery and a guest star to make the interview happen.
MJ: Hello?
Me: (hiding in the back) Hi! I’ll be right out!
MJ: Oh, okay. I brought the stuff you asked. (holds up brown bag)
Me: Okay, great. I can’t wait! Have a seat and I’ll be right there.
MJ: (sits down) Do you want me to open the wine?
Me: Okay!
The door opens.
MJ: Who are you?
CH: Hi, Michael, or should I say, KingCherryPopper1978? My name is Chris Hansen.
MJ: You protect all of the beautiful children of the world!
CH: I wish it were that simple. We actually work very hard here on “To Catch a Predator” to catch child molesters and sexual predators before they act.
MJ: Whee! (claps his hands) Who are you after today?
CH: Well, Michael, why did you come here today? Was it to have sex with Decoyvitable, who you thought was a 13-year old boy? (I come out and take over the interview)
MJ: I would never do such a thing. I love all of the world’s children, especially the ill ones because I can give them a place to come visit and give them medicine.
Me: But didn’t you say in your chat, “I want to “Beat It” and “Don’t Stop ’til You Get Enough” while you “Give In To Me” “In the Closet” until we “Come Together”?” This is a direct quote from your chat.
MJ: That’s all being taken in the worst possible light. I like to sit sick children on my knee and sing my old songs to them, and if you are a mean ol’ adult, you might misunderstand something.
Me: But you also say “I want you to “Remember the Time” that we had a “Thriller” and “Just a Little Bit of You” touched “Another Part of Me” until either of us “Scream”.”
MJ: Once again, you’re taking my conversation out of context.
Me: Okay, maybe for those, but then there’s this line: “I want to play with your little boy cock.” Did you want to, Michael? To play with his little boy cock?
MJ: Oh no no no. I have my very own. I just wanted to lay with him in bed and tell stories and talk about girls and listen to music and touch his butthole and maybe have a pillow fight and . . .
Me: Wait. What did you just say?
MJ: “Have a pillow fight?”
Me: No, before that.
MJ: “Listen to music?”
Me: After that.
MJ: “Have a pillow fight?”
Me: No, before that, but after the “Listen to music” part.
MJ: “and”?
Me: Sigh. You said you wanted to touch his butthole. Does that sound innocent to you?
MJ: It is innocent. I’ve always wanted to have a place where I could create everything that I never had as a child. And that place is a child’s butthole.
Me: Let’s move on. Do you think that your music is enough of a contribution to the world at large that your depravity should have been given a free pass?
MJ: I’m getting tired of these insults and hard questions. You are all sick people. I’m leaving.
Me: I wouldn’t do that.
MJ runs away with the police chasing after him. The police yell at Michael Jackson to stand down. He turns and faces them, with one knee slightly cocked, arms extended at his sides. He flips his head to the right and the left with lightning speed, extends his arm, arches his pelvis and we hear a loud “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” A huge wind blows the police officers over. Michael begins to walk slowly for the exit. One remaining officer pulls out his taser gun and shoots it at Michael. It hits him square in the forehead, and he falls to the ground, quietly saying “who’s bad? oh billie jean” before drifting off into unconsciousness.
As a special bonus, here is my two question interview with the recently deceased Farrah Fawcett! (Apologies to MAD Magazine)
Me: Did you have any trouble finding the interview location?
FF: (giggles distractedly) No, not at all.
Me: Would you like some coffee?
FF: Yes, that would be great.
Me: Thank you for taking part in our two-question interview!
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other interviews:
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Interview with Ken Ober
My interview with Brittany Murphy
My Interview with that Chinese guy who killed all the kids.
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
You couldn’t get Farrah for a real interview? Lame
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@Amanda, she had nothing to offer. She was an idiot.
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You’re so Bad, You’re Bad — Come On (Really, Really Bad)!
(My comments even have background vocals now…do you like?)
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@Ginger, nicely done!
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Twitter: Kimt205
says:
Only two questions for Farrah !!?? LOL!
I am hoping for more celebrities to die over the weekend so you will have to do more short-shrift interviews !!
(not really, but I’m probably going to hell for saying it)
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@kim, when a celebrity dies, I’ll be there.
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oh dear. while i loved the fact you worked in so many song titles, I fear you *might* get in trouble for the butthole reference!
How come you’ve never offered ME coffee?
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@bluepaintred, but I didn’t say it – MJ did!
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Blue, he’s never offered you coffee because you’re not a dead celebrity. Duh.
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@Sheila, exactly. Only dead celebrities get any niceties from me.
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Oh my. Hahahahahahaha.
RIP both those people.
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@Sybil Law, oh, did I shock you?
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I’m trying to think of something offensive to say about that dead freak, but I think you’ve got it covered. Nice job.
PS – I wasn’t speaking of Farrah. Just wanted to clarify.
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@B.E. Earl, how dare you say something offensive of Michael. Obviously, he was my hero!
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See — I told you that there was a future in interviewing dead people. Sure, maybe not much immediate monetary reward, but maybe these interviews will increase in value like a Picasso painting or something. You know: not too valuable while the artist is alive, but when they die — whoo, boy! Maybe you should include these valuable interviews as part of your estate. Just sayin’…
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@Mrs RW, I think I’ll do just that!
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Michael Jackson? Freak. Period.
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@Lorrie, well, not period. But the freak part of it certainly dominated the less controversial aspects of his life.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Keep It in the Closet. Snort. I bet that was your favorite.
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@Faiqa, that was a good one, but “Another Part of Me” was good, too.
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Not a single ‘chamone’ and where did you get the number for hell dude?
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@SingleParentDad, I wasn’t sure if it should have been spelled “chamone” or “shamon” and didn’t want to disgrace the memory of the deceased pop star/pedophile.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
Fucking brilliant, dude. I love the addition of Chris Hansen to your motley crew. BTW, I don’t know if you watch the podcasts of Diggnation, but he was on their episode from last week.
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@kapgar, I figured what better way to interview MJ than with some help from Chris Hansen? I don’t watch Diggnation at all.
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Brilliant… how was Farah’s hair? She had great hair. Alas.
Stephen Hawking’s isn’t dead is he?
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@Nat, well, no, he’s not. But he was close when I wrote it.
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I was more looking forward to a Farrah interview, denied.
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@Robin, has she ever really had anything substantive to say?
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@Avitable, I wouldn’t know, I never really followed her and I wouldn’t call myself a fan but she seemed like a really good person and the love between Farrah and Ryan breaks my heart.
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@Robin, she was nice, but an idiot.
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RIP MJ, you sick fucking pedophile!
BTW, is that the best you could do on the FF interview? That was pretty lame, I expect much better from you.
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@Nobody™, I don’t think she’s worth more than two lines.
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@Avitable, True. She was an airhead, and that’s being generous.
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All of these celebrities seem to be conveniently dying at a time when you are low on blog fodder. I’m not trying to suggest you are a celebrity serial killer or anything, I’m just saying that it would be really funny if the entire Hilton family was found in a hotel room dead from an auto-erotic asphyxiation circle-jerk gone horribly wrong. For added irony, make it a Best Western or Motel 6.
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@Grant, that would make my year.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Wait….who is this Michael Jackson character? Hold on while I google this.
Omg – he died?!?! I can’t believe it. ::sobs slobbery snotty tears::
/sarcasm
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), oh, I know you’re sad. Your mom had you while listening to Michael Jackson.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
I cannot believe you didn’t take advantage of this opportunity to learn the moonwalk.
What a waste.
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@Miss Britt, bitch, I can moonwalk like a mofo.
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Twitter: missbritt
on June 26th, 2009 at Friday, June 26, 2009 @ 10:16 am
@Avitable, I would like video evidence of this.
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@Miss Britt, oh dear God I would give my left boobie to see a moon-walking Avitable.
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I think all of these interviews are hilarious, but this one took the cake… The Chris Hanson thing? OMG, as a fan of “To Catch a Predator,” this made me (almost) pee in my pants. OK, not “almost”.
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@Dawn, I thought I captured his voice pretty well.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
There’s something wrong with you. I like it.
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@Finn, very, very wrong.
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nice.
did CH take pictures of his genitals, too?
(i wonder what tito and jerome are saying right about now? they were planning a reunion tour.)
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@melissa, they can still have their reunion and reanimate MJ’s corpse for a more realistic version of Thriller.
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Ice cream. Hitler. Hell. Michael? Possibly.
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@John, definitely.
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HE hee!!!! This was Uhhh! great.
“Whee! (claps his hands) Who are you after today?” I could see him doing just that and I almost fell off my chair laughing!!
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@Metalmom, yeah, I could see it too.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh god I’ve got tears from laughing so hard!
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@christie, that’s all I ask for.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
oh how i love you.
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@hello haha narf, more than MJ loved boys’ buttholes?
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Hilarious. But wine? Such grown-up talk for the Peter Pan! Since when did he stop calling it Jesus Juice?!
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@cat, well, he wanted to seem more mature.
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You never explored what was in the brown bag.
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@Lynda, the Jesus Juice!
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@Avitable, Well, I figured that. LOL! And I totally missed the line:
MJ: (sits down) Do you want me to open the wine?
I need to not read your blog when I first wake up.
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Nice. I completely forgot to check your site until just now…but I headed over thinking, “I hope avitable has a MJ interview”…thanks for not disappointing!
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@Courtney, I’m nothing if not predictable!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
And this? Is why I named my firstborn son after you, Adam Heath! <3
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, you named a child “Fucker”? That poor bastard.
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Tap shoes, jelly beans, the man in the mirror and oh yeah…you’re such a PYT.
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@Hilly, I already asked you what PYT meant, since I had no idea.
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Dude i have been saying this all day- yes Farrah was a nutjob, but at least she was not a child molester.
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@mountainmomma18, this is true. They’re both not exactly people I mourn.
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Twitter: whall
says:
LEAVE MICHAEL ALONE!
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@whall, you should make a video mocking Chris Crocker doing just that.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I toooooootally heard Michael’s voice when I read “Hello?” hehehehe
Dawg told me the best MJ jokes in the car on the ride home from dinner tonight. I laughed so hard at the 3rd one I busted a 12-year-old nut.
Wait, that didn’t come out quite like his joke did. hmm.
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@Poppy, hahahahha. What are the jokes? Email them to me.
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Who knew Chris Hansen would have to wait till MJ passed on before he got an interview with him.
Avitable.com – Defying death by interviewing the dead.
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@martymankins, interviewing the dead is so much easier than the living.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
You totally dissed Farrah. Just like every media outlet did after MJ bit it.
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