Celebrities are dropping like flies. I’m so busy with interview requests I barely have time to sleep. Billy Mays, let’s hear what you have to say today:
Me: Hi Billy.
BM: Hello ADAM! Thank you for interviewing me today. I’m here to talk about a fantastic new product called DEATH!
Me: Um…
BM: It’s AMAZING! Watch how EASY it is for me to turn from a 50-year old man with a loud voice to a LEGEND!
Me: Well, yes, that’s probably true.
BM: In only THREE SIMPLE STEPS, I will be transformed from a mildly successful pitchman to
A PHILANTHROPIST! (shows picture of himself helping an orphan)
A FAMILY MAN! (shows picture of himself with his wife and son)
A MARKETING GENIUS! (shows picture of himself holding OxiClean)
Me: Well, that does sound pretty neat.
BM: It IS neat! Adam, let me ask you a question. Have you ever worried about being FORGOTTEN? (shows picture of sad man shrugging his shoulders as people ignore him)
Me: (nods head) Sure.
BM: Have you ever tried to get FAMOUS, only to find out that it’s MESSIER than you thought? (shows picture of a celebrity trying to get rid of a dead hooker with blood everywhere)
Me: (nods head more vigorously) Yes!
BM: What if you could buy a product that would QUICKLY build upon your marginal POPULARITY by SKYROCKETING YOU TO SUPER STARDOM?
Me: (eagerly nods head even more) Ooooh, really?
BM: Yes, REALLY! All you have to do are follow these SIMPLE STEPS. They’re SO SIMPLE that a CHILD could do them! 1. TRY – gain some marginal popularity 2. FLY – get hit on the head by a heavy object during a commercial flight and 3. DIE – IT’S SO EASY THAT ANYONE CAN DO IT FROM THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME!
Me: (looks quizzically to the audience) But how much could something this amazing cost?
BM: I DON’T KNOW – YOU TELL ME?!? Would $400 sound like a fair amount?
Me: Hm. Yes?
BM: NO!
Me: Okay, no!
BM: This AMAZING product could be yours for only three monthly payments of $19.95! And if you CALL RIGHT NOW, we’ll give you the third payment free! THAT’S RIGHT, for only two monthly payments of $19.95, YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THE AMAZING SUCCESS OF DEATH! But that’s not all!
Me: (looks amazed) It’s not?
BM: NO!!! If you CALL NOW, I’ll also throw in a free copy of my book, “Billy Mays’ Guide to Beard Maintenance” AND a free CLIP-ON READING LIGHT that allows you to read in any location – while under the covers, on the couch, at the movies . . .
Me: So, let me see if I have this right, Billy. For only TWO PAYMENTS of $19.95, I’m not only going to experience AMAZING SUCCESS with your WONDERFUL NEW PRODUCT, DEATH, but you’ll also throw in a FREE copy of your book AND a FREE clip-on reading light? And all I have to do is 1. TRY, 2. FLY, AND 3. DIE?
BM: Yes! That’s it!
Me: Is it really that easy? Are there any catches, Billy?
BM: No, Adam, there are NO CATCHES and it is really THAT EASY! So simple a CHILD CAN DO IT!
Me: But couldn’t I just try some of those other products I’ve seen out there, like SUICIDE, CANCER and FAME BY ACTUALLY BEING TALENTED?
BM: You could, if you wanted to be like Marlene Munro, Juan Linnon, or Ed McMahon.
Me: (shrugs shoulders, looks confused) Who?
BM: EXACTLY! If you want to try one of the competitors, you’ll quickly learn that their product is INFERIOR to ours in every way. The ONLY WAY that you can experience TRUE POSTHUMOUS SUCCESS AND IMMORTALITY is through this product right here.
Me: Well, you’ve sold me! How about the rest of you? (turns to audience) Are you ready to start succeeding today?
Audience: (applauds) YES! WOOHOO!!!
Enjoy this interview? Check out my dead celebrity interviews:
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My interview with Walter Cronkite
My Interview with Henry Gibson
My Interview with John Lennon
I heard that his marketing style started when he accidentally swallowed his caps lock key.
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@Nobody, EXACTLY!!
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Call 564-4464 today! That’s 564-4464!
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@Mighty Hunter, operators are standing by.
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Best one yet.
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@bluepaintred, I’m going to peak soon. Celebrities had better stop dying!
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BILLY MAYS!!!
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@Dave2, your favorite person in the whole world!
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Twitter: whall
says:
Hi, Billy Mays here!
/I’m so doing my interview early so when I die, Avitable can have a scoop.
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@whall, but it’s more fun for me to put words in your mouth.
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But Billy! DEATH! Is it guaranteed? What if I don’t LIKE it? What if I don’t SUCCEED! Can I return it?
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, DEATH is a non-refundable product unless you live in Wisconsin or California.
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Sorry, I had to change the channel. Just like when the OxyClean commercials came on.
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@Lynda, but you called the toll free number to place your order first, right?
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Dang, another one bites the dust.
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@Mik, he didn’t bite the dust. He chewed the scenery.
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Twitter: WWScissors
says:
Best. Interview. Ever.
(Wait, is the period-at-the-end-of-each-word thing so last week? Oops.)
Best interview EVER!
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@Lynn (Walking With Scissors), periods can only be used after each word for sentences of three words or less, so you came in right under the wire.
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This was the best one yet.
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@Jen, glad you liked it. Now I need a break from doing them for at least a couple of weeks!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
You forgot the additional processing and shipping fee for the book and clip-on light. That’s how they make money on the deal. Additional processing and shipping fees.
As if DEATH weren’t good enough on it’s own. Sheesh.
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@B.E. Earl, it’s in the fine print.
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disturbing death doesn’t deter dark-haired dubious distributor.
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@avatgardener, dude deals death debonairly.
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Maybe it’s true that celebrity deaths come in threes…
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@cat, except this is #4 – Ed McMahon, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mays.
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Ok, I kind of wish more celebrities would die so I couoldread more interviews- bwahahahaha..
Juan Linnon… lmao…
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@christie, I was afraid nobody would get that.
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@Avitable,
Monroe too hehe
nope, I got it and found it hilarious!
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If you decide to get famous the Jimmy Dean / Elvis / Jesus way, can I have your complimentary Escalade?
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@Grant, yes. I’ll let GM know to send it to you.
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But can I bring OxyClean? (Or I guess he’s already sold it in bulk in heaven…)
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@Sybil Law, it’s the official laundry detergent/stain remover of Heaven already.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Will it get out bloodstains?
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Twitter: msmegan
on June 29th, 2009 at Monday, June 29, 2009 @ 1:15 pm
You know, I’m not happy with this comment, but I couldn’t think of a better. And yet I commented anyway. Whatever.
One of your other commenters suddenly reminded me of these great commercials that only play at movie theatres locally. They refer to life insurance and the tagline is:
YOU BUY, YOU DIE, IT PAYS
And guy is LOUDER than Billy.
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@Finn, I’m glad you commented anyway. I rate your comment a 3 out of a possible 5 stars.
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Fuck the shamwow, I want this!
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@Robin, exactly. Fuck the Shamwow!
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Out of respect for the dead, I’m going to speak in a shouting voice at you all day.
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@Miss Britt, and that would be different how?
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Is it wrong that every line I read of him talking I saw “BM” and got the urge to shit?
I think comparatively, I’m a kinder gentler person.
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@NYCWD, you are indeed.
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Could you please rewrite this but make it a bit LOUDER?
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@DrZibbs, only if you have amazing sound-o-text enabled.
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::shouts back in excitement:: what’s the toll free number??
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@melissa, the same one as Beetlejuice’s.
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HEHHEH! – HEH!
HEH!
HEH!
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@John, the secret to any good marketing pitch is a rhyme!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
billy mays was born in pittsburgh and you should see the news coverage his death is getting. sheesh.
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@hello haha narf, I can imagine. He died in Central Florida, so it’s just as bad here, I’m sure.
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I actually heard his voice shouting at me, wow!
Ok, so this is #1 of the next series of 3. Who do you predict will be #2 & #3?
I’m thinking Patrick Swayze as #2. Can’t come up with #3.
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@Julie, Paris Hilton?
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Now? I’m going to go wallow in some OxyClean because I feel so dirty.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, make sure to get the Billy Mays Memorial OxiClean set.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I miss Billy the most out of all the dead celebrities that died in the last several days.
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@Poppy, me too.
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Gah, I can just HEAR his tone in my head, shouting… sets my teeth on edge, even now. Which makes me feel bad for sayin’
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@Kyra, yeah, I tried to write it just like he speaks. I didn’t mind his infomercials, though, because they were highly effective.
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hello, i love paris. she is funny and i can’t wait to find out what she will do next! x
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