Watch Adam's Head Explode
Someone who is not at all my younger 25-year old brother manages to almost make my head explode using only good old-fashioned ignorance and Yahoo Messenger:
NotMyBrother: why would someone I am doing an install for want to write me a BOA check from their company for a vehicle which is through their company and he won't make it for cash?
NotMyBrother: its a 2006 lincoln navigator I am doing a full-blown install on on saturday morning.
NotMyBrother: for a guy that owns an avaition insurance company
NotMyBrother: they insure leer jets etc.
adamheathavitable: because he wants his company to pay for it
NotMyBrother: so if its cash they wont?
NotMyBrother: the check made out to cash
adamheathavitable: if it's made out to a company, it's easier for tax purposes
adamheathavitable: for cash, it's not
NotMyBrother: TAX?
NotMyBrother: like 1099?
NotMyBrother: me
adamheathavitable: yes, NotMyBrother. that's what happens when a business pays for a service from another business
NotMyBrother: So he will cause me to get audited with a $500 install?
adamheathavitable: yes, exactly
adamheathavitable: the irs is going to bang down your door
adamheathavitable: because this guy is making sure he does his taxes legally
adamheathavitable: jesus christ
NotMyBrother: Frank has been writing me checks for the past 4 years…and never claims me.
NotMyBrother: How does that work?
adamheathavitable: i'm sure he does
adamheathavitable: when he does his business taxes, every amount has to be accounted for
adamheathavitable: all of those checks are considered as being paid for services rendered by another company
adamheathavitable: that's how it works
NotMyBrother: He pays his detail for the past 10 years with checks and its all under the table. His detail guy doesnt get taxed lol.
NotMyBrother: o ok, but not to the individual as a tax
adamheathavitable: if he writes a check, it's not under the table
adamheathavitable: you don't even understand how it works, so don't get yourself worked up over stupid shit
NotMyBrother: if he's writing check then that will screw me in other words and frank has been screwing me for 5 years then….he told me that its under the table
adamheathavitable: you're both idiots
NotMyBrother: you are making it seem like he is claiming me 1099
adamheathavitable: THERE'S NO SUCH THING
adamheathavitable: FOR FUCK'S SAKE
adamheathavitable: ANYTIME ANYONE GETS PAID BY CHECK AND IT'S A BUSINESS, THERE IS A RECORD OF IT.
adamheathavitable: your company IS an independent contractor of WHOEVER you do work for
adamheathavitable: and if they want to file a 1099 for their own business taxes to show what the money was spent on, that's their right
NotMyBrother: o
adamheathavitable: ok, i need to go before i reach through the computer and slap you in the head.
NotMyBrother: crap…I will have to turn down a $500 + install for this saturday
NotMyBrother: That sucks.
adamheathavitable: why do you have to turn it down?
adamheathavitable: yes, turn it down
adamheathavitable: turn down money
adamheathavitable: i don't give a shit
adamheathavitable: don't ask me another tax or business question ever again
Posted in 
Just remember, if you kill him, you have to interview him. It's in the rules
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@bluepaintred, damn the rules!
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I am surprised that my idiocy has not made your head explode yet. Lucky for me, I *do* understand all of that crap about writing checks for tax purposes, blah blah blah. For the record, blah blah blah, is a totally legitimate industry term.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), why don't I believe you? Hm.
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I have these conversations every day with my boss (and father). It is infuriating.
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@othurme, most of my other family members have learned not to ask me anything anymore.
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@Avitable, You mean ""not my other family members"
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Even if the checks have kittens on them?
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@Dave2, well, there is a kitten exception, but it's a little-known one.
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Huh… I had a very similar conversation a few weeks ago with my sister. Guess there are idiots in every family tree.
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@Tiffany, it's just frustrating that he doesn't realize that I'm always right!
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My brother is the same way.
I wish to tar and feather people like this.
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@Ashleigh, I just hope to shame him with this post so when he reads it, he'll stop asking me!
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It's a rule–no matter what the profession in which you have a level of expertise a family member will call and ask you a question and then argue idiotically about the answer you give.
I cannot tell you the number of times this has happened to me. Sigh.
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@Turnbaby, as I'm sure you know, even as a law student, my family would ask me for legal advice and then ignore the paltry assistance I could offer. I've stopped providing it for most of them now.
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My question is, if you hire a hitman, is that tax deductible??
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@Faiqa, under certain circumstances, paying for waste disposal is a deductible expense.
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You don't know, Adam! Many men have "claimed me 1099".
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@Hilly, yeah, but that was in your "lady of the night" days. Big difference!
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How are stupid people allowed to remain in your family? When is your notbrother going to end up buried in Neverland's backyard?
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@Poppy, the more frustrating aspect is his tendency to ask advice and then completely ignore anything I say because he assumes that he knows more than I do. Maybe when he reads this post, he'll stop asking finally.
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Clearly, he is a criminal mastermind.
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@Kyra, obviously. He will run a criminal empire someday.
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My brother and father are both CPA's. And while I understand what your brother and you were discussing, knock that up a few notches to tax credits and write-off's and I'm just like your brother. And I have conversations with my bro & dad just like this. I usually just agree and do whatever they tell me! (Hey, I'm a little smart!)
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@bubblewench, my wife's a CPA and I studied tax, so yeah, it's probably just like that.
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Um…. I didn't even get his question? Is that blonde of me?
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@Blondefabulous, yes.
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He understand he doesn't have to turn the money down, right? Just pay taxes on it.
Forget it. Nevermind.
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@B.E. Earl, exactly. You'd think that would be an easy concept.
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You are to be commended for continuing the conversation after you uttered the words "jesus christ". I would've stopped right there. Or threatened to get all stabby on is ass if he uttered another word.
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@Nenette, it took great restraint.
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I am just amazed that someone would come to you for advice about anything having to do with money. That right there was his first mistake.
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@Miss Britt, I am a financial whiz, thank you very much!
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Wow. I thought I was bad ; )
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@cat, I'm sure you're not even close to this.
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wow. I've got my very own notmybrother. they would get along famously, I think.
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@ali, could we put them in one room with a knife and see who emerges victorious and then shoot the winner into the sun?
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Hahahahahahaha!
Oh. My.
Yeah – can't you people just pick up the phone so you can yell at him?!
Man.
I have had to explain things like that to my husband. It's why I'm homicidal some days. ESPECIALLY during tax season.
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@Sybil Law, and this is why I'm homicidal most of the time.
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So what you're saying is that since you paid me for my, um, "services" via check there's a record of it? Did you write anything in the memo section? Will you be issuing me a 1099?
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@Finn, I think the memo said "sweet, sweet lovin'."
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It's always nice to hear that the mentally challenged get jobs.
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@metalmom, and they're all persecuted by the IRS, too.
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I have a certain family member who is that way. He'll ask a professional cpa/lawyer/doctor/golf pro whatever a question and then be like "I don't think he's right about that" when he doesn't get the answer he was hoping for.
Also, over the years I've known dozens and dozens of people who have talked big about "under the table" payments and every last one of them have eventually be busted for it. The problem with getting under the table payments is you are trusting the other business or person not to rat you out when they get busted. Believe me, they will. Even if they don't, once the IRS nails someone, they take a look at everyone that person has done business with.
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@Jay, exactly. It's stupid, and I have other family members who do it all the time.
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Kind of reminds me of the following true exchange at Subway:
Clerk: What kind of sandwich do you want?
Customer: Turkey.
Clerk: And what kind of meat do you want on it?
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@Grant, I would have just punched the clerk in the face.
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Wow, this sounds like my 25-year-old brother! Except my husband is the CPA so he has to deal with the questions. Though there was one time my brother AND my husband started arguing with me about pdf files. Both insisting pdfs were the standard for cameras. It's pissing me off just thinking about it.
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@the weirdgirl, that's almost as frustrating!
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Wanna trade? I do this for you if it comes up again and you do the shit I had to deal with today for me?
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@DutchBitch, yes. It's a deal.
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oh my fuck.
(be honest…which one of you is adopted? or was dropped on their head?)
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@hello haha narf, I got all the good genes.
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You know, in numerology, 1+0+9+9=19. Then you do the whole 1+9=10. And 10 symbolizes rebirth. So, that basically means, you can kill him and he'll get reincarnated and will no longer be your problem.
God, that was the worst comment EVER!
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@Coal Miner's Granddaughter, no, but it's in the running.
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Lord have mercy. I know it's complicated, but DUH!
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@Meg, it's not even that complicated, either!
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I think notyourbrother is currently under audit which I am handling.
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@Marty, very likely. So you're a CPA?
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I used to have the same fucking conversation with my mom on a daily basis. Except replace "taxes" with "why is the sky blue" or "why did that 'pocket ashtray' burn my ass" and you're there.
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@Amo, I expect questions like that to come next.
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I didn't know you had a brother :p
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@Bethie, really? One brother and one sister.
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Jesus christ my brain.
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@Miss Grace, exactly.
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Sometimes explaining things is just not worth it. My head almost exploded just READING this.
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@Rachael, I was so pissed afterwards that I went and beat up a Jehovah's Witness.
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