A certain friend makes fun of me because I have a problem with dirty talk. She tries to get me to say some of the vilest things, and I typically abstain. It’s not out of embarrassment as much as it is decorum. I mean, is it really necessary to tell someone that you can’t wait to feel your cock inside their hot, wet pussy?
I say nay. Allow me to demonstrate the proper way to offer direction and guidance in the bedroom while maintaining your dignity and respecting the person with whom you are engaging in private pleasures. Next time you are in the throes of passion with your lady or gentleman lover and feel the urge to use vulgarities to express your base desires, may I suggest that you try some of the following phrases instead? I can assure you that properly used, these statements of desire will immediately precipitate the heaving of any breast and the pounding of any heart.
For the gentleman:
- Instead of “Oh baby, you make my cock so hard”, try “Oh m’lady, your recent gyrations have caused me to develop a certain feeling of extreme turgidity in my member.”
- Instead of “I can’t wait to feel my cock inside your wet pussy”, might I offer an alternative of “I am currently very eager to experience the sensation of my priapic key being inserted into your properly prepared and lubricated lock.”
- Instead of “I want you to suck my cock until I come”, I would suggest “Would you be so kind as to gently manipulate my nether regions orally until I am able to spill my seed as the good Lord intended?”
- Instead of “I want to fuck you so hard and I want you right now”, may I proffer “I am quite determined to demonstrate my carnal desire with vigor posthaste.”
- Instead of “Lick my balls”, why not say “The use of your tongue on my scrotum shall prove very pleasing if it’s not any trouble.”
For the lady:
- Instead of “My pussy is so fucking wet”, might I offer an alternative of “My lady bits have reached a certain humidity level that is very pleasing to me and ready for the next stage in our relations.”
- Instead of “Oh my God, fuck me harder”, try “Oh Holy Lord up in heaven, I am strongly encouraged by the attempt being made so far and would prefer more vigor and doubled effort.”
- Instead of “Come on my chest, baby, it’s okay”, I would suggest “I hereby give you permission to place your mettle upon my heaving bosom, sir.”
- Instead of “Eat my pussy, bitch”, may I proffer “I am currently hoping that your quick wit and quicker tongue may be of use to me between my thighs at this precise instant.”
- Instead of “Oh fuck me, I’m coming”, try “Dearest sir, your vigorous and well-intentioned efforts have not been in vain and I appreciate it greatly.”
- Instead of “Is it in yet?” or “Are you done already?” I would suggest “Oh Avitable, you are amazing and the best lover, ever, in the history of lovers and I am forever ruined for any other men.”
You’re welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy your newfound puritanical prurient activities with vim, vigor, and vitality.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Questions to ponder
Shut the fucking baby-making factory down
My interview with Michael Jackson, the King of Pop
FUCKING DYING LAUGHING. And also? Apparently I can out-talk you in the less-classy ways of dirty talk in the bedroom. Not that it’s a contest.
Reply
@Undomestic Diva, maybe this is just a front and I can dirty talk with the best of them, hm?
Reply
Twitter: kimt205
says:
Well damm !!
More verification that I not only have a potty-mouth, I have a needs-cleaning, nasty foul stinks to high heaven port-a-potty mouth !!!
Reply
@kim, that doesn’t sound sexy or hot in the slightest. Try my new way!
Reply
Even the historical romance novels aren’t that flowery, you pussy.
Reply
@Adena, I’m practicing some revisionist history here!
Reply
Twitter: chrissi_johnson
says:
turgidity?
HYSTERICAL!!
Loved this post.
Reply
@Chrissi, try it and I bet he’ll like it.
Reply
The husband says that it sounds like British porn.
Reply
@thepsychobabble, with my accent, the wife agrees.
Reply
@thepsychobabble, Brits always sound so proper.
Reply
Twitter: whyrustalkingme
says:
Somehow “I hereby give you permission to place your mettle upon my heaving bosom, sir.” doesn’t have the same ring as “cum on my tits big man.”
Maybe it’s just me…
Reply
@usedtobeme, but it’s the classy way to say it.
Reply
Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
Jewish dirty talk –
“Oh baby, my wallet is so full and heavy, I’m just waiting for you to open it and slide my credit card out. Yes, baby. Come on, yes. yes. We’re going shopping…oh God, YES!”
That makes me happy.
Reply
@CP, “oh yeah, baby. Spread that shmear on there nice and slow.”
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
, July 6th, 2009: 12:57 PM
@Avitable, Schmear! *snort*
Reply
Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
Instead of “Is it in yet?” or “Are you done already?” I would suggest “Oh Avitable, you are amazing and the best lover, ever, in the history of lovers and I am forever ruined for any other men.”
This made my day.
Reply
@Ashleigh, if only someone would make mine by saying that!
Reply
I’m mostly 100% appalled by the p-u-s-s-y word. I’m also appalled by vile dirty talk. I mean, it does not have a positive effect on me. Hearing some of the stuff would in all actuality dry my vagina up like the Mojave desert.
Reply
@Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy, do you have to gag your husband to keep him from saying it?
Reply
I tried it but the wife told me go back to the original talk.
Reply
@Mik, she’s obviously not being adventurous enough.
Reply
Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
You forgot examples for salad tossing, tea bagging, and prostate manipulation. Please update the post accordingly.
Reply
@SciFi Dad, a gentleman and lady would never do such things.
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
you may have just stopped the dreams i have about you. obviously i need to start dreaming about hilly. at least she can talk about the sweet, sweet pussy.
Reply
@hello haha narf, and she loves to talk about deep dicking!
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
, July 6th, 2009: 9:18 AM
@Avitable,
all of my friends now talk about the deep, deep dicking because i mentioned once how hard it made me laugh to hear hilly say that. they don’t say it right, though. something about hilly’s inflection and sly smile make that the greatest phrase.
Reply
@hello haha narf, yeah, the way she says it is awesome.
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
Who would’ve thought that you were prudish about something?
Reply
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), some say prudish. I say classy.
Reply
Discussing dirty discourse. Disgusting? Doubt it. Do-able? Definitely.
Dyn-o-mite.
Reply
@avatgardener, decoupaging dick dialogue delights.
Reply
Twitter: hismuse
says:
I feel classier already, THANKS Avitable!!
Reply
@Robin, no problem- sign up for my home course!
Reply
What porn were you using for research on this?
Reply
@Miss Britt, just some VHS tape I found at your house labeled “REALLY BORING STUFF – DON’T WATCH”.
Reply
@Avitable, I knew that sounded familiar. Fucker.
Reply
@Miss Britt, as a collector of Really Boring Stuff, I just had to see what it was.
Reply
I’m sorry but the words “sex” and “puritanical” should have nothing to do with one another…nothing at all. Oh and I love how now the PRB thinks I go around spewing these phrases all day long, even while working or engaging a person on a plane. Of course I don’t but I will let them think I do because I? Not a prude!
I’m also glad you remembered “I can’t wait to feel my cock inside your wet pussy”. See, you have fire in you yet.
Reply
@Hilly, you do too! All day long. “Hi CLIENT NAME, how would you like to sample my sweet, sweet pussy?”
Reply
PS – I appreciate the effort it took to even write the original phrases; you are the best and funniest man ever. On the planet. Tap shoes and jelly beans.
Reply
@Hilly, jelly bean fish sandwich swingset!
Reply
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
This is fricking priceless!
You so know how I feel about the dirty talk… but man. Holy shiite. That is funny shit.
Reply
@Sybil Law, try this stuff next time, and see how it works.
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I’m so turned on right now
Reply
@Amanda, rawr.
Reply
Sorry dude. This ain’t gonna cut it. I need Old School/Linda Blair-Exorcist vulgarity.
Reply
@John, that’s so unZen!
Reply
I would love to dub the old Romeo and Juliet movies with these phrases. Also adding “My dear Juliet, since we are not bound by marriage, I shall now retire to my quarters where I shall shoot putty at thy moon. Thanks for the blue balls you whore.” (I threw in the last part for comic relief)
Reply
@Hockeyman, that could be a genius plan!
Reply
Twitter: alimartell
says:
I’m so obviously trying one of these puppies out on the husband. just for the reaction.
only with my luck, he might not even notice. heh.
Reply
@ali, if he doesn’t notice, you can try them out on me in July.
Reply
too funny. ’tis a shame my “knight in shining armor” wouldn’t know wtf i’m talking about, though!
Reply
@melissa, woe is you.
Reply
Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
These are gut busting fine examples of a mood killer if ever I saw one.
Reply
@NYCWD, mood killer? These are mood elevators!
Reply
Thanks for the tutorial! But dirty talk (especially the Avitable way) makes me giggle. How does one over come that conundrum?
Reply
@Amo, lots and lots of practice.
Reply
Thank you for this selection. I have borrowed them for my blog This is an illustrated, rainbow colored edition.
In order to make the rainbow thing work, I had to make up another language suggestion.
Reply
@piersgavestonjr, you know you’re a weird guy, right?
Reply
How’s that working out for you?
Reply
@Miss Grace, verily.
Reply
Twitter: perpstu
says:
I am sooooo using one of these lines on my husband tonight. This is the funniest fucking thing I have ever read!
Reply
@perpstu, let me know how it goes! Better yet, record it on video.
Reply
holy shit that was hilarious.
I’m totally gonna try those out later
Reply
@christie, they may cause huge orgasms and massive erections, so be warned.
Reply
You also forgot revisions for the masturbating schizophrenics amongst us.
Reply
@SingleParentDad, I can’t work miracles, unfortunately.
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
If only there were enough time to translate dirty talk into British-lover-with-large-schnoz.
Reply
@Elizabeth Kaylene, you have managed to confuse me with your reference.
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
, July 8th, 2009: 12:32 PM
@Avitable, Ha! Ha ha ha! Did ya hear that, everyone? He’s confused. And I’m not even gonna explain it to ya, ’cause explanation is a sarcasm killer. :p
Reply
My local pharmacy has two hot bunny pharmacists. I was thinking of asking them for anal sex, but now I guess I’ll offer them a deep, penetrating rectal massage with my oiled-up throbbing tool of desire. Does that meet with Avitapproval?
Reply
@Grant, let me assist. Try this: “Dearest ladies of the Orient, may you be inclined to grant my white devil member access to your most posterior orifices?”
Reply
I’m going to some of these phrases next time my wife and I find ourselves without any clothing on us, while laying down on the bed while both of us are under the covers and sheets.
Reply
@martymankins, your delicacy in discussing your actions is greatly appreciated, so as not to offend my Victorian sensibilities.
Reply
British twits aside, I”m old enough (ahem, 46) to have participated and completely and utterly LOVED the Renaissance Faire’s up here in Northern CA. In the deep forest outside of Novato, I could well picture this very same language being used as the fair wenches got their desire’s met behind the tents. . . .that is what all the language translation has done for me-brought about lovely forest scented memories. Ahhhhhh.
Love,
Julie
Reply
@Julie, wouldn’t you get pine needles all up in your business?
Reply
I’ll have to remember some of these for the future. LOL!
Reply
@Lynda, try them out and see!
Reply
This post has got me the second most turned on I have ever been by your blog.
Of course, this being the first…
http://www.avitable.com/2008/04/01/a-unicorn-is-born/
Reply
@Clown, unicorns always get me hot.
Reply
Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
“Oh, please, kind sir. Release your man-juice all over my comment and give me release!”
You’re such a prudish Victorian fucker.
Reply
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, my man juice has been released!
Reply
Twitter: bobutler
says:
My intergluteal meatus is clamoring for the introduction of your hyperemic and totemic agnate tumescent organ.
Once again, the grace and aesthetic pleasure of your company is leaving me erumpent.
In lieu of coordinating an evening of intercourse, can we instead engage mutually in manual onanistic excitement, preferably with auditory reinforcement provided via digital, wireless-to-wireless handheld telephonic devices?
Please engage me in coition until my Broca’s area loses all synaptic capability and I can no longer locute in syntactically and grammatically correct constructs and must therefore revert and/or devolve into atavistic, primal, guttural utterances of pure passionate elan.
Reply
Twitter: coalminersgd
, July 6th, 2009: 2:53 PM
@bo, Dude? I just had a Meg Ryan moment on my couch. Thank you.
Reply
@bo, you see, now it just sounds snooty.
Reply
Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
How funny is it that I didn’t need to hover over the words “a certain friend” to know it was Hilly? You should hear her and I on the phone. We ought to charge each other $9.99/minute.
I loves me some dirty dirty talk!
Reply
Sadly, she’s not lying.
Reply
@Karen Sugarpants, can I listen in sometime?
Reply
Twitter: whyrustalkingme
says:
@Avitable,
Do classy chicks really talk like that? I mean, sure I suppose in mixed company not so much, but really, I cannot imagine my grandma, who was the classiest chick on the planet, as even thinking such words, let alone speaking them out loud.
Reply
@Usedtobeme, I think even classy chicks like to get fucked hard.
Reply
Twitter: poppycede
says:
<– cannot speak dirty talk, can only do dirty things.
Reply
Twitter: poppycede
says:
arrow other way? —>
Reply
@Poppy, I dinna understan’.
Reply
I totally want a refund this did not work at all! The husband started laughing so hard he woke up the baby and there went all grown up alone time for the night…I think it was the phrase “lady bits” that sent him off, and so thanks avitable for helping me not get laid!
Reply
@mountainmomma18, he clearly doesn’t appreciate someone with delicate sensibilities.
Reply
I love the word “turgidity”.
And now I have lady wood. Is that proper?
Reply
@Stephanie, lady wood is always proper. It’s the rule.
Reply
Since I am hoping for some conjugal pleasure tonight, I will give some of these a try and let you know how it works out for me. That way if I don’t come, I can blame it on you. Really, it’s a win-win situation, so thanks for that.
Reply
@Kori, I’m used to women blaming their lack of orgasm on me, so it’s cool.
Reply
“extreme turgidity in my member”
Classic, I will have to ask my husband if he’s ever experienced that one.
Reply
@Mars, just say it breathlessly, and he’ll think it’s hot.
Reply
I am so sick, you really shouldn’t be making me laugh this hard. LOL
Reply
Oh. My. God.
That was quite possibly the greatest thing I have ever read in my entire laugh.
You are a genius and I love you!
Reply
Btw I meant Life not laugh. I’m laughing way to fricken hard!
Reply