Adam Avitable, naked again.

Learn How to Use Dirty Talk, the Avitable Way

A certain friend makes fun of me because I have a problem with dirty talk. She tries to get me to say some of the vilest things, and I typically abstain. It’s not out of embarrassment as much as it is decorum. I mean, is it really necessary to tell someone that you can’t wait to feel your cock inside their hot, wet pussy?

I say nay. Allow me to demonstrate the proper way to offer direction and guidance in the bedroom while maintaining your dignity and respecting the person with whom you are engaging in private pleasures. Next time you are in the throes of passion with your lady or gentleman lover and feel the urge to use vulgarities to express your base desires, may I suggest that you try some of the following phrases instead? I can assure you that properly used, these statements of desire will immediately precipitate the heaving of any breast and the pounding of any heart.

For the gentleman:

  • Instead of “Oh baby, you make my cock so hard”, try “Oh m’lady, your recent gyrations have caused me to develop a certain feeling of extreme turgidity in my member.”
  • Instead of “I can’t wait to feel my cock inside your wet pussy”, might I offer an alternative of “I am currently very eager to experience the sensation of my priapic key being inserted into your properly prepared and lubricated lock.”
  • Instead of “I want you to suck my cock until I come”, I would suggest “Would you be so kind as to gently manipulate my nether regions orally until I am able to spill my seed as the good Lord intended?”
  • Instead of “I want to fuck you so hard and I want you right now”, may I proffer “I am quite determined to demonstrate my carnal desire with vigor posthaste.”
  • Instead of “Lick my balls”, why not say “The use of your tongue on my scrotum shall prove very pleasing if it’s not any trouble.”

For the lady:

  • Instead of “My pussy is so fucking wet”, might I offer an alternative of “My lady bits have reached a certain humidity level that is very pleasing to me and ready for the next stage in our relations.”
  • Instead of “Oh my God, fuck me harder”, try “Oh Holy Lord up in heaven, I am strongly encouraged by the attempt being made so far and would prefer more vigor and doubled effort.”
  • Instead of “Come on my chest, baby, it’s okay”, I would suggest “I hereby give you permission to place your mettle upon my heaving bosom, sir.”
  • Instead of “Eat my pussy, bitch”, may I proffer “I am currently hoping that your quick wit and quicker tongue may be of use to me between my thighs at this precise instant.”
  • Instead of “Oh fuck me, I’m coming”, try “Dearest sir, your vigorous and well-intentioned efforts have not been in vain and I appreciate it greatly.”
  • Instead of “Is it in yet?” or “Are you done already?” I would suggest “Oh Avitable, you are amazing and the best lover, ever, in the history of lovers and I am forever ruined for any other men.”

You’re welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy your newfound puritanical prurient activities with vim, vigor, and vitality.

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106 Replies to “Learn How to Use Dirty Talk, the Avitable Way”

  1. CP

    Jewish dirty talk –

    “Oh baby, my wallet is so full and heavy, I’m just waiting for you to open it and slide my credit card out. Yes, baby. Come on, yes. yes. We’re going shopping…oh God, YES!”

    That makes me happy.

  2. Ashleigh

    Instead of “Is it in yet?” or “Are you done already?” I would suggest “Oh Avitable, you are amazing and the best lover, ever, in the history of lovers and I am forever ruined for any other men.”

    This made my day.

  3. Hilly

    I’m sorry but the words “sex” and “puritanical” should have nothing to do with one another…nothing at all. Oh and I love how now the PRB thinks I go around spewing these phrases all day long, even while working or engaging a person on a plane. Of course I don’t but I will let them think I do because I? Not a prude!

    I’m also glad you remembered “I can’t wait to feel my cock inside your wet pussy”. See, you have fire in you yet.

  4. Hockeyman

    I would love to dub the old Romeo and Juliet movies with these phrases. Also adding “My dear Juliet, since we are not bound by marriage, I shall now retire to my quarters where I shall shoot putty at thy moon. Thanks for the blue balls you whore.” (I threw in the last part for comic relief)

  5. Grant

    My local pharmacy has two hot bunny pharmacists. I was thinking of asking them for anal sex, but now I guess I’ll offer them a deep, penetrating rectal massage with my oiled-up throbbing tool of desire. Does that meet with Avitapproval?

  6. Julie

    British twits aside, I”m old enough (ahem, 46) to have participated and completely and utterly LOVED the Renaissance Faire’s up here in Northern CA. In the deep forest outside of Novato, I could well picture this very same language being used as the fair wenches got their desire’s met behind the tents. . . .that is what all the language translation has done for me-brought about lovely forest scented memories. Ahhhhhh.

  7. bo

    My intergluteal meatus is clamoring for the introduction of your hyperemic and totemic agnate tumescent organ.

    Once again, the grace and aesthetic pleasure of your company is leaving me erumpent.

    In lieu of coordinating an evening of intercourse, can we instead engage mutually in manual onanistic excitement, preferably with auditory reinforcement provided via digital, wireless-to-wireless handheld telephonic devices?

    Please engage me in coition until my Broca’s area loses all synaptic capability and I can no longer locute in syntactically and grammatically correct constructs and must therefore revert and/or devolve into atavistic, primal, guttural utterances of pure passionate elan.

  8. Karen Sugarpants

    How funny is it that I didn’t need to hover over the words “a certain friend” to know it was Hilly? You should hear her and I on the phone. We ought to charge each other $9.99/minute.
    I loves me some dirty dirty talk!

  9. Usedtobeme


    Do classy chicks really talk like that? I mean, sure I suppose in mixed company not so much, but really, I cannot imagine my grandma, who was the classiest chick on the planet, as even thinking such words, let alone speaking them out loud.

  10. mountainmomma18

    I totally want a refund this did not work at all! The husband started laughing so hard he woke up the baby and there went all grown up alone time for the night…I think it was the phrase “lady bits” that sent him off, and so thanks avitable for helping me not get laid!

  11. Kori

    Since I am hoping for some conjugal pleasure tonight, I will give some of these a try and let you know how it works out for me. That way if I don’t come, I can blame it on you. Really, it’s a win-win situation, so thanks for that.

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