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What Not to Do When Watching Harry Potter

Today, for Movie Friday, I’m taking my employees to go see “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince“. There’s a lot of hysteria surrounding the Harry Potter movies, and in order to avoid any funny business on the part of some of my crazier employees, I’ve created this quick reference list of things not to do when watching a Harry Potter movie. Whatever you do, don’t . . .

  • Shout “Harry, show me your broomstick” every time Daniel Radcliffe appears on screen.
  • Dress like Dumbledore in the traditional wizard way, which means going commando under those magical robes.
  • Wave your wand (or iPhone or penis or pencil or whatever) at the screen and scream “Expecto Patronum” to call forth a Patronus to protect you during the scary parts.
  • Call Snape “Hans”.
  • Throw golden balls at other people in the theater and yell “Catch my Golden Snitches, bitches!”
  • Pull out your penis (or, if you’re a woman, the penis of the man next to you), stroke it, and purr “Good job, Crookshanks”.
  • Scream in terror every time you see a decrepit old man who looks like a Dementor.
  • Ask the screen if the carpet matches the drapes when Ginny Weasley is on screen.
  • Put a black sheet on your head, call it the cloak of Invisibility, and then walk into the other sex’s bathroom.
  • Refuse to let someone sit next to you because you’re “saving your seat for Buckbeaks the hippogriff”.
  • Pour a soda on my head and blame it on Peeves.
  • Call your breasts or your balls Fred and George and then make people laugh at them because they’re such lovable pranksters.

Follow these few simple rules and enjoy your magical Harry Potter movie experience!

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84 Replies to “What Not to Do When Watching Harry Potter”

  1. Alex

    Book’s better, but the film’s very good. I went to a midnight show, and there actually were people (some I actually knew) dressed as wizards, or with sheets over their heads. For a second I wished I had worn my Harry Potter scarf (knitted, not a cheap costume one), but I really only wear it for a scarf when I need a scarf, which I haven’t since I was in Vermont eleven years ago.

      • Alex

        @Avitable, I don’t know, I think they can probably work that in next time, or they acknowledged it enough. Harry was under the spell of this book, and later we find out it was Snape’s. There were enough flashbacks as it is, and they had to get in that Ron-Hermione soap opera. It was probably a pretty elegant way to save a lot of time.

  2. MeanOne

    My boyfriend and I were discussing going to see this movie on Tuesday, now I’ll have to show him this list, AND try not to think of all of these obscene acts when we do go to see it. I am so going to be thrown out of the theater for compulsive giggling.

  3. Poppy

    We haven’t even talked about seeing it yet, probably because we’re so burned from movie opening weekends at our local theater. I will go see movies at the last possible minute now or watch them on my beautiful TV like an old person.

  4. kapgar

    Not only was I never considering doing any of these, but now, when I do see the movie, I’m not going to be able to help but think about doing them the whole time. You bastard. Funny bastard, but bastard all the same.

  5. Shelli

    My kids saw it at midnight the night it came out. (Yes, I’m a bad mom who lets her kids go to previews after their legal curfews without their parents.) One of them liked it and the other one didn’t. His reason for not liking it? “It left you just hanging.” Well, duh!! It’s a series and there’s 2 more movies coming.

  6. J from Ireland

    Wow. Thank you for your respect when going to the Harry Potter movie. I went to see it and I’m sure I followed these rules!!
    You are a fantastic boss, I know I’ve said it before but Jaysus I would love a boss like you!! Set up a business in Ireland and gimme a job(not really I am allergic), I think Ireland is ready for you!!

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