Today, for Movie Friday, I’m taking my employees to go see “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
- Shout “Harry, show me your broomstick” every time Daniel Radcliffe appears on screen.
- Dress like Dumbledore in the traditional wizard way, which means going commando under those magical robes.
- Wave your wand (or iPhone or penis or pencil or whatever) at the screen and scream “Expecto Patronum” to call forth a Patronus to protect you during the scary parts.
- Call Snape “Hans”.
- Throw golden balls at other people in the theater and yell “Catch my Golden Snitches, bitches!”
- Pull out your penis (or, if you’re a woman, the penis of the man next to you), stroke it, and purr “Good job, Crookshanks”.
- Scream in terror every time you see a decrepit old man who looks like a Dementor.
- Ask the screen if the carpet matches the drapes when Ginny Weasley is on screen.
- Put a black sheet on your head, call it the cloak of Invisibility, and then walk into the other sex’s bathroom.
- Refuse to let someone sit next to you because you’re “saving your seat for Buckbeaks the hippogriff”.
- Pour a soda on my head and blame it on Peeves.
- Call your breasts or your balls Fred and George and then make people laugh at them because they’re such lovable pranksters.
Follow these few simple rules and enjoy your magical Harry Potter movie experience!
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I’m green with envy
and I don’t look good in green
wish you were my boss
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@bluepaintred, ITA, ITA
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@thepsychobabble, wait. What?
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@bluepaintred, I Totally Agree (I think).
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@bluepaintred, but you don’t have a boss and can go to the movies any time you want!
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
I invoke the Wizard’s Promise.
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@whall, your beard isn’t long enough to do that.
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Haven’t seen any of the Potter movies, nor read the books.
Don’t plan to.
But I totally want to try some of the crap on your list.
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@Redneck Mommy, they’re decent books – why wouldn’t you try them?
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I’m seeing it tomorrow and I’m doing all that shit.
“Just a fly in the ointment, Snape. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass.”
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@B.E. Earl, yippi ki yay, voldemorterfucker.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Or you could just do what I do and avoid all the Harry Potter crap like a plague of pubic lice. Life is so much simpler that way!
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@Dave2, I liked the books. The movies are mindless entertainment. Emma Watson is hot. The end.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Heh. And don’t bring your three year old. Obviously, I’m having a really hard time getting over that shit.
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@Faiqa, we were lucky that there was only little shithead in our audience.
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Twitter: kateanon
says:
Will people never tire of the carpet curtains question? Redheads hate that, me included. For the record, I have hardwood floors.
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@kate, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’ve never heard that one before!
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Twitter: Liv2fly88
, July 17th, 2009: 10:28 AM
@kate, hard wood floors, eh? Sure you don’t want the name to be “@ken”?
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Twitter: kateanon
, July 18th, 2009: 7:46 AM
@Cots, on no – I never slowed it down to hard wood like that. You’ve ruined my snappy reply.
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@kate, I don’t understand why redheads do that. Let the red hair bloom!
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i am going tomorrow by myself to celebrate my wedding anniversary. i will print your list to remind myself how to behave.
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@josie, and what is your husband doing to celebrate said anniversary? Going to watch porn?
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I took the 9 yr old and 10 yr old to see it last night. It was pretty good, but a bit of a letdown after reading the book.
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@Tiffany, it’s been a while since I read the book, so that made the movie more enjoyable for me.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
you can’t tell me what to do. if i wanna see the broomstick, i’m asking for it!
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@hello haha narf, not if I put the Window Lock on!
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Book’s better, but the film’s very good. I went to a midnight show, and there actually were people (some I actually knew) dressed as wizards, or with sheets over their heads. For a second I wished I had worn my Harry Potter scarf (knitted, not a cheap costume one), but I really only wear it for a scarf when I need a scarf, which I haven’t since I was in Vermont eleven years ago.
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Oh yeah, and I use the scarf during sex (with my light-up replica of Harry’s wand)–which I haven’t done since….
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@Alex, the film was okay, but the whole Half-Blood Prince part was stupid because they wrote out the entire part of the book that explains why that matters.
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@Avitable, I don’t know, I think they can probably work that in next time, or they acknowledged it enough. Harry was under the spell of this book, and later we find out it was Snape’s. There were enough flashbacks as it is, and they had to get in that Ron-Hermione soap opera. It was probably a pretty elegant way to save a lot of time.
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I prefer to stroke the penis of the man next to me and say, “Good job, Nagini.”
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@Lynda, I usually can’t say that because my mouth is full.
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Twitter: docslacker
says:
dude, do we really need an excuse to laugh at your balls?
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@Slacker, no, it should be something that’s done daily anyways.
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My boyfriend and I were discussing going to see this movie on Tuesday, now I’ll have to show him this list, AND try not to think of all of these obscene acts when we do go to see it. I am so going to be thrown out of the theater for compulsive giggling.
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@MeanOne, that’s better than being thrown out for compulsively touching yourself.
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You are an awesome boss.
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@Jennifer, I make them sing “My boss, is an awesome boss, he reigns from heaven above” while we go to the theater.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
We haven’t even talked about seeing it yet, probably because we’re so burned from movie opening weekends at our local theater. I will go see movies at the last possible minute now or watch them on my beautiful TV like an old person.
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@Poppy, that’s why we go on Friday morning. No crowds. Also, try weeknights or Sunday evening around 7.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
Not only was I never considering doing any of these, but now, when I do see the movie, I’m not going to be able to help but think about doing them the whole time. You bastard. Funny bastard, but bastard all the same.
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@kapgar, I bet Katie thought about doing those things.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I have little to no understanding of anything you said in this post, I’m starting to realize I’m not the geek I thought I once was.
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@Robin, go play with your hairy pooter.
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Dammit! I so wanted to ask Ginny if the carpet matched the drapes, it is such a burning question!!
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@Becca, I shall investigate and report back with my findings.
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Wait!! Watching winsome, weird, wand- waving wizards without warnings? Wouldn’t wanna. Waffles?
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@avatgardener, we wryly watched while wanking.
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Let’s also keep bodily fluids otherwise known as “Butter Beer” inside the body during the movie. Save that for when you get home.
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@Hockeyman, but I’m trying to share with the kids!
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
My kids saw it at midnight the night it came out. (Yes, I’m a bad mom who lets her kids go to previews after their legal curfews without their parents.) One of them liked it and the other one didn’t. His reason for not liking it? “It left you just hanging.” Well, duh!! It’s a series and there’s 2 more movies coming.
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@Shelli, there’s a legal curfew?
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Ok, but I’m totally yelling STUPIFY at random people in the theater. I didnt see any rules about that.
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@floating princess, that is perfectly acceptable etiquette.
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Also, during a certain scene don’t stand up and yell, “Golem is in this movie, too? Damn.”
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@Kris, Golem? The zombies?
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@Avitable, Yes, the first thing that popped into my head was, “Damn, where have I seen those before?” They looked like a mix of golem from LOTR and the weird mermaids from HP GOF.
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Uh, It’s Buckbeak. No, ‘s’. Dah-hoy. I am totally notifying the Ministry of Magic of possible libel.
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@Howard, ooh, thank you for the correction. I wrote all of that from memory, so I’m surprised that’s my own error.
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Also on my list? Stop yelling “Owned!” at the screen every time someone throws a spell.
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@Just Shireen, or you yell “Pwned” to be particularly douchey.
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So we’re still clear to fap away when Ginny and Hermione are on-screen? I hope this is the one where they finally make out.
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@Grant, they came close. At least in my mind they did.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
I’m going to see Harry Potter tonight. I will print this list out for reference….
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@perpstu, good luck.
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Ha!
I am so doing this one:
Throw golden balls at other people in the theater and yell “Catch my Golden Snitches, bitches!”
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@Sybil Law, yeah, that was my favorite one.
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These are good tips to follow. Although very tempted to yell out what Sybil Law is planning to above.
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@martymankins, you should go with Sybil to the movies and create a Snitchstorm.
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Why do these all sound like things you have done while watching previous Harry Potter movies?
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@trishk, how’d you guess?
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Ok, now that was good. Very good indeed.
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@Kevin Spencer, I wasn’t too happy with it, but thanks.
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Asking me to hold your “hot dog” wasn’t too cool either man. Not cool at all.
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@Hilly, well, I didn’t ask you to hold it with your mouth!
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This does it. I’m writing my letter of resignation and coming to work for you.
Totally crashing on your couch until I find a place, too.
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@Mocha, that’s cool. Work is clothing optional – are you okay with that?
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I took your advice, and now I’m waiting on someone to come up with bail. Thanks.
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@muskrat, I’ll be right there. Do they take Monopoly money?
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“Call Snape “Hans”.” That made me LOL
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@Daduck, that’s how I always see him, no matter what other role he plays.
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Wow. Thank you for your respect when going to the Harry Potter movie. I went to see it and I’m sure I followed these rules!!
You are a fantastic boss, I know I’ve said it before but Jaysus I would love a boss like you!! Set up a business in Ireland and gimme a job(not really I am allergic), I think Ireland is ready for you!!
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@J from Ireland, ooh, I’m ready for Ireland. And those hot accents. Jaysis!
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
I don’t have anything witty to say, but you made me laugh — and snort — on a not so smiley day. Thank you.
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