Walter Cronkite, one of the most respected journalists of our time, died on Friday night at the age of 92. I spoke with him posthumously on Sunday:
Me: Thank you for speaking with me, Walter.
WC: Young man, it is my pleasure.
Me: I’m very honored that I’m getting the chance to interview you. Since you are a veteran journalist, would you mind if I made this interview a fast-paced, hard hitting affair?
WC: (chuckles) Not at all. Please feel free to fire away.
Me: Oh, chuckle at me, will you, old man? First, here’s a softball question. You retired from the CBS Evening News almost thirty years ago. Would you say that broadcast journalism has flourished or floundered after your absence?
WC: The corporatization of television journalism has ruined it. No longer can the people have someone they can trust to deliver unbiased news, and this saddens me greatly.
Me: Now, is it true that Adolf Hitler modeled his mustache after yours?
WC: Where did you hear that?
Me: So you admit that it’s true?
WC: (sputters) No! I would like to know what unreliable sources you’re using for such spurious accusations.
Me: I read it on a blog somewhere.
WC: Don’t get me started about blogging. Blogs are going to be the death of journalism because every mom with a sleeping baby can churn out 500 words of her uneducated opinion and uninformed people will take it as fact.
Me: Plus, bloggers make up random shit like interviews with famous people who have died, too.
WC: Exactly.
Me: Did we just break the fourth wall?
WC: I’m not sure. I know that I just broke wind, though.
Me: Dude, did you eat limburger? Fuuck.
WC: Young man, do not call me “Dude”. You can call me “Uncle Walter”, “Walter”, “Mr. Cronkite”, or “Senor Mustache Ride”, but that’s only if you’re under 19, Puerto Rican, and have an ass I can bounce a quarter off of.
Me: Well, now we’re getting off track. Let’s stick to the interview, fishlips. It is said that the term “anchor” was coined because of your role as a broadcast journalist.
WC: Yes, that’s right.
Me: Why’d they come up with anchor? Why a nautical term? Why not “starboard”? Plank? Mast? Poop Deck?
WC: So you would have the gall to suggest that I would call myself a Television Poop Deck Man? Are you addled in the head?
Me: Hey, I’m not the one with Hitler’s moustache who’s named after a barnacle-encrusted rusty implement designed to stop a ship!
WC: This interview is over.
Me: Wait, one last thing.
WC: (sighs) Fine.
Me: My Canadian brother from another mother, LeSombre, turns another year older today. He told me that you are his biological father.
WC: I am absolutely not!
Me: He swears that you are his father. That you impregnated his mother during an orgy in the early 70s. That you, David Brinkley and Chen Huntley triple-teamed her.
WC: I swear that you have the ethics of an amoral snake-oil salesman.
Me: So you won’t wish your illegitimate son a happy birthday?
WC: I most certainly will not! And may you rot in hell! (storms off)
Me: And that’s the way it is.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Interview with Phillip Spicklefritz
My Interview with Ken Ober
An Interview with David Carradine
FIRST!!!!
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@Miss Britt, first fucker, maybe.
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SECOND!!!!!
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@Hilly, and here’s the second fucker!
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(and now my tap dancing, jelly beaning, panera breading job is done for a week!)
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@Hilly, at least I know you were listening to me finally.
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Dr. King is dead? Since when? I guess I didn’t hear about his recent death, what with the media being so obsessed with the loss of Billy Mays.
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@Grant, Billy Mays was the second coming of Jesus.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
When I heard that Walter Cronkite died yesterday, my first thought was “He was still alive?”
My second thought was that he was probably the second most imitated man in America back in the 1970′s after Richard Nixon. And that was a long, long time ago.
My third thought was something about boobs.
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@B.E. Earl, I’ve never actually watched anything he did, but of course I knew who he was.
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Haha. Poop deck.
So, uh, who the hell is Walter Cronkite?
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@Sarah, sigh. SIIIGHHHH.
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I think Walter Cronkite has you pegged.
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@Lynda, he was very astute.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
“Did we just break the fourth wall? ”
Hahahaha! No, you just broke with all sense of decency and decorum, that’s all.
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@Faiqa, it’s what I do best.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Oh! I’ve heard of him! I didn’t hear that he died but whatever.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), like, totally whatever, dude.
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nasty necrotic newsman. ‘nam naysayer. no loss. next?
his declaration that the vietnam war was a lost cause – - when it very clearly wasn’t to the boys there – - cost many more lives, several political careers and changed the face of teevee journalism forever. i will spit on his grave should I ever near it.
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@avatgardener, I wasn’t alive to watch that, but I’d suggest that his willingness to say that it was a lost cause for our government was an appropriate observation. Just imagine what that power could have done for Iraq four years ago.
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Well, you know that brother from another mother implies the same dad, right?
Great interview!
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@LeSombre, damn. I missed my Pa!
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bwahahahaha! Hilarious as always!
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@christie, this one’s not my best one.
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@Avitable,
well, I still thought it was funny
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Hahahahahaha
Very well done, Mr. Avitable. I liked the fishlips part.
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@Sybil Law, that was my favorite part.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
“Me: I read it on a blog somewhere.
WC: Don’t get me started about blogging. Blogs are going to be the death of journalism because every mom with a sleeping baby can churn out 500 words of her uneducated opinion and uninformed people will take it as fact.
Me: Plus, bloggers make up random shit like interviews with famous people who have died, too.”
ha!!
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@hello haha narf, I know, it’s eerie. Like I was talking about myself!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Now I have the image of a naked 19-year-old Puerto Rican girl (think Rosie Perez back in the day) bouncing over old Walter’s face. I may never recover. Thank you.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
on July 20th, 2009 at Monday, July 20, 2009 @ 10:37 pm
@Finn, Now I’m picturing Rosie Perez at 19 bouncing all over the place.
Thanks!
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
At least you have equal coverage to Walter Cronkite as you did Michael Jackson.
Heaven forbid the “real” media do that.
Losers.
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@NYCWD, well, Walter Cronkite didn’t get acquitted of molesting a young boy.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Walter Cronkite – A great Crows Nest Man.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, ooh, good one!
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Aah. You had me at “every mom with a sleeping baby”. Yup. My kid’s asleep upstairs. And I’m about to churn out a post or two, chock full of my uneducated opinions.
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@Christy, it wasn’t me – blame Cronkite!
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This one actually reminds me of the Michael Moore/Charlton Heston interview in BFC. Your interview is more awesome, but the endings were pretty similar.
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@John, yeah, I loved that interview.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I honestly don’t think you could fluster him so easily. He’s WALTER FUCKING CRONKITE, DUDE.
Happy birthday, Mikey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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@Poppy, yeah, but he’s not used to being on the receiving end. I would have taken his old wrinkly ass!
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
I can’t think of anything funny to say, so I’ll just say…
21st!
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@Shelli, sigh. SIGH.
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Twitter: shellimil
on July 21st, 2009 at Tuesday, July 21, 2009 @ 7:51 pm
@Avitable, Admit it. You smiled just a little bit.
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@Shelli, ok, just a bit, maybe.
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Obviously it’s only mommy bloggers who do that, everything I write is pure genius.
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@Robin, pure, made-up genius.
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Bloggers MAKE SHIT UP ?!? NO !!!
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@Heff, I know – crazy, huh?
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