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A scientific study of the people attending #BlogHer.

According to BlogHer, there will be 1,399 people attending the main BlogHer conference this weekend. That’s not an astronomical number of people and it’s not a infinitesimal number of people. It’s a solid showing of bloggers who are getting together to learn about each other, drink until they’re stupid, and create this community that makes blogging so much fun. But who are these people going? I got my hands on a top secret demographic breakdown of the attendees and even though I was sworn to secrecy, I’m sharing it here, just for you.

Out of 1399 attendees:

148 attendees will be… mothers who have recently given birth and will be breast feeding their babies all weekend long, even if it is weird and squicky. 23 of these mothers will walk around with wet spots on their chests that I will be unable to avoid staring at.

277 attendees will be… lesbians. 3 of them will turn straight after meeting me. 2 of them will turn gay again after talking with me for more than ten minutes.

44 attendees will be… men. 15 men will be non-bloggers, there with their spouses. 8 men will be there to get laid. 3 men are there just to give any woman who asks a pearl necklace. 12 men are bloggers who are there to meet more bloggers. 5 men are gay men who are on the prowl for new fag hags. 1 man is me.

319 attendees will be… hard-core fundamentalist Christian Republicans. They’ll cluck disapprovingly at the women around them and go to bed every night at 9:30, clutching their Sarah Palin dolls, to pray for the souls of everyone there. 10 of them will sneak out of their rooms and go down to the hotel bar to find random lonely men to fuck. Another 12 of them will take this weekend to experience sapphic delight with their roommate.

700 attendees will be… mommybloggers, some of whom may already be categorized above. They refer to themselves as variations on “Taylor’s Mom” or “Constipated Mommy” and write mainly about their child and how amazing their kid is and how much of a pain their kid is and take photos of how cute their kid is and write about how much they need a drink when their kid is a brat and they get free shit from Graco and Pampers and go to Johnson & Johnson Baby Camp and watch Oprah and the Today Show and write books about parenting and read books about parenting and then their kids will grow up and they’ll realize that they have nothing to talk about and no interests other than their children.

378 attendees will be… childfree women, either by choice or due to a medical or physical reason. 10 of them will be militantly childfree, throwing around terms like “breeders” with snark and anger, and you’ll know that they secretly want a child of their own but will never admit it. 122 of them love children so much and want one, so when they see the kids at the conference, they’ll try to steal them and run home with them. 4 of them will have a sense of humor.

84 attendees will be… infertility bloggers who write every day about their attempts to have children. They’ll write about vaginal secretions and internal temperatures and clinical sex and their scientific approach to something that should happen naturally. 59 of them will secretly not want a child (or another child) but are only doing it because they feel pressure from society and/or their husband and family to do so.

987 attendees will be… sarcastic and funny and perverted and have a little bit of a twisted soul. They’ll have a good sense of humor and know when it’s okay to laugh at themselves.

299 attendees will be… women who look like men because they have facial hair of some sort. 19 of them will have a beard and 3 of them will have chest hair poking out of the top of their outfits. 1 of them will just go along with the flow and pretend that she really is a guy, which will cause her to realize she wants to be a man, and she’ll get a sponsor to provide her with sex-change surgery next month.

10 attendees will be… incontinent and will pee themselves completely at some point during the weekend. Nobody will notice, but if someone did, they’d pee themselves in solidarity and say that all the cool people pee their pants.

47 attendees will be… undercover FBI agents looking for terrorists. Instead, they’ll get swept up in discussions about homeschooling and breastfeeding in public and will decide to quit their jobs, raise lots of babies, and blog about them.

3 attendees will be… hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins.

2 attendees will be… from the future. They will be there to see if they need to stop BlogHer before it takes over the world in the year 2043.

1 attendee will be… an asshole who has a picture of himself eating ice cream with Hitler on his blog. He’ll be sarcastic and smug, but much more reserved than you’d expect. He’ll be quiet but friendly, even if he may let his mind wander to what you’d look like naked. And he’s unlikely to approach anyone, not because he’s better than they are, but because he isn’t that much of an extrovert. You can go over to him, though, because he won’t bite. Much.

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68 Replies to “A scientific study of the people attending #BlogHer.”

  1. Tiffany

    I just want to go so I can meet the 987 perverts and the asshole who has a picture of himself eating ice cream with Hitler. Maybe next year. Although I’m going to have to think of something a lot better to write about because according to these stats there are already 700 mommy bloggers and at least one who already talks about her pierced nips. Both my ideas are shot to hell.

  2. muskrat

    Nice. I’m categorizing myself now.

    I’d hoped you’d list all the seminars you’re going to in today’s post, so that I wouldn’t have to do any research when I get home from work around 8pm tonight and start to pack and plan (like you did with the parties). Damn.

  3. trishk

    “And he’s unlikely to approach anyone, not because he’s better than they are, but because he isn’t that much of an extrovert. You can go over to him, though, because he won’t bite. Much.”

    Now those two little sentences wants me to climb into your suitcase, sneak into blogger and while you are huddled in the corner being all shy and mature, jump up and announce, “Here is the Asshole eating ice cream with Hitler!!” Then run and hide when all 1,399 fans mob you!

  4. Robina

    I had no idea you were so freaking funny! No wonder Britt loves you so much!

    There is no way I’d go to BlogHer. I don’t know anyone. I’m not a mommy blogger. I’m not hip or cool and I don’t get free stuff and I don’t get paid to write. Damn, I’m just too normal!!!!

  5. Sybil Law

    OMG- hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins?!
    I could never go. Shit.
    Good thing I wasn’t planning to go. Phew!
    (I should hope I’d be one of the 987 attendees, though!)
    ‘Cause I am so not a hermaphrodite… anymore….

  6. Faiqa

    I think the fact that you’re reserved makes those of us who you are *not* reserved with feel very special. I hope you don’t make any new friends at blogger because I want to hold on to this feeling of being an exclusive member of the Avitable Chosen Ones. šŸ™‚ Plus, I still hate you for going to BlogHer. And I look forward to you pointing out the typos and grammatical errors in this comment which I have chosen NOT to proofread before submitting.

  7. Poppy

    Please don’t befriend anyone you’re going to introduce to all of us as THE NEXT BEST AWESOME!, ditch them when they don’t like the same pop music as you, then complain to us that we shouldn’t be friends with them and “how could you be?!” later. Thanks. šŸ™‚ It’s healthy to start out friendships SLOWLY. šŸ™‚

    ok, bye.

  8. whall

    I’m amazed that you didn’t take the time to predict how many arrests, deaths or pregnancies will result from BlogHer.

    I say 3, 1 and 12 but I decline to say which number represents which statistic. You’ll find out soon enough.

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