According to BlogHer, there will be 1,399 people attending the main BlogHer conference this weekend. That’s not an astronomical number of people and it’s not a infinitesimal number of people. It’s a solid showing of bloggers who are getting together to learn about each other, drink until they’re stupid, and create this community that makes blogging so much fun. But who are these people going? I got my hands on a top secret demographic breakdown of the attendees and even though I was sworn to secrecy, I’m sharing it here, just for you.
Out of 1399 attendees:
148 attendees will be… mothers who have recently given birth and will be breast feeding their babies all weekend long, even if it is weird and squicky. 23 of these mothers will walk around with wet spots on their chests that I will be unable to avoid staring at.
277 attendees will be… lesbians. 3 of them will turn straight after meeting me. 2 of them will turn gay again after talking with me for more than ten minutes.
44 attendees will be… men. 15 men will be non-bloggers, there with their spouses. 8 men will be there to get laid. 3 men are there just to give any woman who asks a pearl necklace. 12 men are bloggers who are there to meet more bloggers. 5 men are gay men who are on the prowl for new fag hags. 1 man is me.
319 attendees will be… hard-core fundamentalist Christian Republicans. They’ll cluck disapprovingly at the women around them and go to bed every night at 9:30, clutching their Sarah Palin dolls, to pray for the souls of everyone there. 10 of them will sneak out of their rooms and go down to the hotel bar to find random lonely men to fuck. Another 12 of them will take this weekend to experience sapphic delight with their roommate.
700 attendees will be… mommybloggers, some of whom may already be categorized above. They refer to themselves as variations on “Taylor’s Mom” or “Constipated Mommy” and write mainly about their child and how amazing their kid is and how much of a pain their kid is and take photos of how cute their kid is and write about how much they need a drink when their kid is a brat and they get free shit from Graco and Pampers and go to Johnson & Johnson Baby Camp and watch Oprah and the Today Show and write books about parenting and read books about parenting and then their kids will grow up and they’ll realize that they have nothing to talk about and no interests other than their children.
378 attendees will be… childfree women, either by choice or due to a medical or physical reason. 10 of them will be militantly childfree, throwing around terms like “breeders” with snark and anger, and you’ll know that they secretly want a child of their own but will never admit it. 122 of them love children so much and want one, so when they see the kids at the conference, they’ll try to steal them and run home with them. 4 of them will have a sense of humor.
84 attendees will be… infertility bloggers who write every day about their attempts to have children. They’ll write about vaginal secretions and internal temperatures and clinical sex and their scientific approach to something that should happen naturally. 59 of them will secretly not want a child (or another child) but are only doing it because they feel pressure from society and/or their husband and family to do so.
987 attendees will be… sarcastic and funny and perverted and have a little bit of a twisted soul. They’ll have a good sense of humor and know when it’s okay to laugh at themselves.
299 attendees will be… women who look like men because they have facial hair of some sort. 19 of them will have a beard and 3 of them will have chest hair poking out of the top of their outfits. 1 of them will just go along with the flow and pretend that she really is a guy, which will cause her to realize she wants to be a man, and she’ll get a sponsor to provide her with sex-change surgery next month.
10 attendees will be… incontinent and will pee themselves completely at some point during the weekend. Nobody will notice, but if someone did, they’d pee themselves in solidarity and say that all the cool people pee their pants.
47 attendees will be… undercover FBI agents looking for terrorists. Instead, they’ll get swept up in discussions about homeschooling and breastfeeding in public and will decide to quit their jobs, raise lots of babies, and blog about them.
3 attendees will be… hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins.
2 attendees will be… from the future. They will be there to see if they need to stop BlogHer before it takes over the world in the year 2043.
1 attendee will be… an asshole who has a picture of himself eating ice cream with Hitler on his blog. He’ll be sarcastic and smug, but much more reserved than you’d expect. He’ll be quiet but friendly, even if he may let his mind wander to what you’d look like naked. And he’s unlikely to approach anyone, not because he’s better than they are, but because he isn’t that much of an extrovert. You can go over to him, though, because he won’t bite. Much.
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BlogHer 09 – If you could ask a man anything . . .
Avitable at BlogHer 2009
Well if you’re not going to bite AND pass out pubic swag, what fun is it?? Geez, just keep making it MORE boring! Now I really know I’m not missing anything.
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@Kris, ooh, but you never know! I might decide that biting is fun.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Wait, are the three hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins there to kill me or you?
And you forgot about the “geek blogger” segment. Fucker.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, silly girl. Only guys can be real geeks!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
on July 22nd, 2009 at Wednesday, July 22, 2009 @ 7:45 am
@Avitable, And now it’s official. I’ve hired the three hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins to kick your ass.
Only guys can be real geeks. Yeah, right. I’m gonna have to hurt you for that one.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, heh. I knew you’d like that.
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See this here? Is a keynote I would actually want to see.
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@Miss, I’ll submit it for next year.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
i can’t hold it in anymore. you’re not an asshole.
HE’S NOT AN ASSHOLE, PEOPLE!
nice try though. see you soon, girlfriend!
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@Karen Sugarpants, fuck you, I am too.
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Yea, you forgot the geeks.
I’ll go ahead and get my “fucker” in for next year.
You’re welcome in advance. ;p
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@Kim, see above.
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One of them will be me and I’m looking forward to meeting you!
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@Jill, same here.
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Well, just so you know ahead of time… I look fabulous naked. But I’m kind of pissed that you blew my cover.
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@the weirdgirl, sorry – hope I haven’t compromised you.
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I can’t wait to meet you.
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@sizzle, same here!
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
It’s the ONE blogger on the end of your list that would get me to go. It’s the 700 mommybloggers that keep me away.
Majority rules.
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@CP, no, it’s the needs of the few that outweigh the needs of the many.
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I’m curious how exactly you know there will be 3 hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins there. Because my sources said there would only be 2.
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@Summer, apparently my inside sources go all the way to the top!
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Twitter: mrlady
says:
Yeah, I need to sit next to you for a minute.
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@Mr Lady, ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?????????
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
1 out of 3 ain’t bad when it comes to turning lesbians straight.
Something Ben Affleck couldn’t even do.
And he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!
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@B.E. Earl, hahahaha – when I first started reading your comment, that’s what I was going to say in reply. Bastard.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
on July 22nd, 2009 at Wednesday, July 22, 2009 @ 9:51 am
@Avitable, Word, bitch! Phantoms like a mallfucker!
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Love it. Just love it.
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@CaseyDeuce, it’s all true.
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I am all of the above. Fucker!
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@kristin, can I see your hermaphrodite penis?
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@Avitable, Oh I’ll be showing it off. All over the place..you won’t miss it!
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I just want to go so I can meet the 987 perverts and the asshole who has a picture of himself eating ice cream with Hitler. Maybe next year. Although I’m going to have to think of something a lot better to write about because according to these stats there are already 700 mommy bloggers and at least one who already talks about her pierced nips. Both my ideas are shot to hell.
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@Tiffany, but nobody posts photos of said pierced nips, so that could be your in right there.
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@Avitable, I’ll take that into consideration… right after I pay someone to pick them up and put them where they used to be.
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Hahaha! That’s a lot more hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins than I would have guessed.
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@Atomic Bombshell, it usually is!
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Twitter: Temptingsam
says:
Well, now I don’t think I even need to go. Thanks for ruining it fucker.
But! How many breakdowns are we going to see? Will there be tears? THAT’S THE QUESTION.
See you soon!!!
You’re totally *squeeeee*ing. I know it.
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@sam {temptingmama}, I don’t squee. Usually.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
Please make sure to get pictures of yourself with the hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Nice. I’m categorizing myself now.
I’d hoped you’d list all the seminars you’re going to in today’s post, so that I wouldn’t have to do any research when I get home from work around 8pm tonight and start to pack and plan (like you did with the parties). Damn.
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Did you just call me a mommyblogger?
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I got duff info, I thought there would only be two shemale midget assassins, if I’d know there was going to be a trio, I would have been more inclined to book a flight.
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There woul be 4 hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins there- but I can’t go this year.
One year I’ll go- I just haven’t been able to yet. By jolly one year I will go! Rar
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
You bite? Is it only on request? Because you haven’t bitten me. Yet.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
When I met you I totally expected you to bite, I’m kind of disappointed you didn’t.
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Mmmm…Filipino midget assassins. Get some e-mail addy’s for me, will you? But only if they look somewhat feminine, because I’m not weird or anything.
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“And he’s unlikely to approach anyone, not because he’s better than they are, but because he isn’t that much of an extrovert. You can go over to him, though, because he won’t bite. Much.”
Now those two little sentences wants me to climb into your suitcase, sneak into blogger and while you are huddled in the corner being all shy and mature, jump up and announce, “Here is the Asshole eating ice cream with Hitler!!” Then run and hide when all 1,399 fans mob you!
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I had no idea you were so freaking funny! No wonder Britt loves you so much!
There is no way I’d go to BlogHer. I don’t know anyone. I’m not a mommy blogger. I’m not hip or cool and I don’t get free stuff and I don’t get paid to write. Damn, I’m just too normal!!!!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
if i were going the number would be 11. i peed myself just reading this.
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OMG- hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins?!
I could never go. Shit.
Good thing I wasn’t planning to go. Phew!
(I should hope I’d be one of the 987 attendees, though!)
‘Cause I am so not a hermaphrodite… anymore….
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1 will not be me.
Sad to miss meeting you.
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Bossy will sling you over her shoulder and lead you into the Hotel Extrovert. Don’t cha worry.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I already decided I should leave my Sarah Palin doll at home….Lord only knows what sick things you would do to her when I have my back turned.
Meet me in the bar around 2 am, okay?
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Twitter: s_csr
on July 22nd, 2009 at Wednesday, July 22, 2009 @ 11:47 am
And I’m totally going to have to wear a diaper….just in case.
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God I wish I were going to this thing.
And for anyone that would like a link on my blog, please take a picture of you holding a sign that says, “Google this: THAT BLUE YAK”.
Thanks.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Sad that I’m not part of those stats and won’t be meeting any of my favorite — that includes you — bloggers. Maybe next year.
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I am so bummed, I am going to miss it all….especially the future me!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I think the fact that you’re reserved makes those of us who you are *not* reserved with feel very special. I hope you don’t make any new friends at blogger because I want to hold on to this feeling of being an exclusive member of the Avitable Chosen Ones.
Plus, I still hate you for going to BlogHer. And I look forward to you pointing out the typos and grammatical errors in this comment which I have chosen NOT to proofread before submitting.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Please don’t befriend anyone you’re going to introduce to all of us as THE NEXT BEST AWESOME!, ditch them when they don’t like the same pop music as you, then complain to us that we shouldn’t be friends with them and “how could you be?!” later. Thanks.
It’s healthy to start out friendships SLOWLY. 
ok, bye.
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I might have to make more copies of my Twitter Basics Geek Lab handout now, since all the people you pissed off might come to my session instead of yours.
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Very funny post. Have a great time at blogher. I can’t wait to hear how you got on!!
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I think you might be 100% correct with each one of your study points. Especially the one about peeing ones pants.
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Twitter: Zoeyjane
says:
But does he watch Oprah and the Today Show? Otherwise, we’d have nothing to talk about.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
I’m amazed that you didn’t take the time to predict how many arrests, deaths or pregnancies will result from BlogHer.
I say 3, 1 and 12 but I decline to say which number represents which statistic. You’ll find out soon enough.
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
You will bite much, but not hard.
(When you come back, for my birthday–which is today, by the way–will you tell me how to get this cool reply plugin?)
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Not sure my last comment went through. Just wanted to say that the word breeder is funny to me! Create life or create society, both are important jobs…
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I’m sure you had fun and were outgoing. You’re so misleading. I wish you had dissected your Obama-Rally this way.
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