Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with #BlogHer09

On Sunday, July 26th, after a short yet productive life, Twitter hashtag #BlogHer09 passed away in the hospital. She spent her entire life selflessly supporting the 2009 BlogHer Conference, and although many people may have found her annoying and a bit overwhelming, she was appreciated by many. As usual, I had the privilege of interviewing the recently deceased hashtag:

Me: So, #BlogHer09, was your passing peaceful?

BH: Well, it would have been nice, but there were a few people who just wouldn’t let go and made the end very painful. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to see my name still popping up occasionally over the next few months.

Me: Since your life was so tied into the BlogHer Conference, do you have any regrets?

BH: It would have been nice if people would have stopped using me to order room service, get directions, have private, in-depth conversations, and flirt with each other shamelessly. But at least it wasn’t as bad as it was for my good friend #NikonHatesBabies.

Me: Did you ever get any breaks or did BlogHer have you running ragged every minute?

BH: Well, the morning was usually pretty hectic as 1400 people decided to tell everyone else how much they needed coffee and hated how their hair looked. Then it would calm down for a little while until each attendee decided to ask another attendee where they were and then decide to meet in the lobby. At lunch, I got a short break because everyone’s hands were full as they shoved bad free food down their gullets. Well, except for the Anorexia contingency, of course. But most of them were too weak to type.

Me: What about the evenings? Were those busy?

BH; They usually started out quite busy. One person would tweet about a party, and then a thousand people would retweet it, and that was a lot of work. As the night progressed and the alcohol flowed, though, more and more of them would start to make massive spelling errors, and my lesser known colleagues #Bligher09, #BlofHer09, and #Bagheagbhu2 went to work.

Me: What would you say was the worst part of your job?

BH: The swag. I was so sick of hearing about people complaining about not getting free stuff. Plus, I got my own bag of Room 704 swag and I was so disappointed when I put in that porno DVD to watch and found out that it was a fucking ballet video. It was really hard to masturbate to that with the free dildo, but I managed.

Me: You masturbated? But don’t you have a blog husband? I thought that was common.

BH: Well, @ChildsPlayX2 and I were friends, but we had to have a blog divorce after I found out he was updating his Facebook status without telling me. So . . . I’m blog single now . . . what are you doing after the interview?


Me: Let’s move on. For you, what was the worst part of the entire conference?

BH: Definitely the men. First there were those awful, horrible T-shirts that offended 4 people. Then, there was that dreadful Vaginally Challenged panel where those misogynists got a platform to spread their agenda and innuendo. Before you know it, men are going to start reading blogs and getting advertisers interested in them and getting invited to go to the private sponsored parties! It could become an epidemic.

Me: I heard that the panel was quite a success, actually. One of the best sessions of the weekend.

BH: Yeah, well, somebody also said that the WiFi in the hotel was amazing, so you know how easily bullshit spreads.

Me: And what was the best part of the entire conference?

BH: Definitely the community keynote. What better way to celebrate the written word than by having what felt like a thousand bloggers read their posts aloud to a crowded room? It was magical.

Me: I don’t think that word means what you think it does.

BH: Well, if I was going to suggest something else, I’d say that the attitude was the best part. Even with the rampant commercialism, stampeding for swag, rumormongering, and overwhelming feeling of estrogen in the air, the sense of community was palpable, and people seemed genuinely interested in meeting each other, making friends, putting faces with familiar names, and kissing each other with lots of tongue.

Me: I noticed in your obituary that you died during childbirth. Did your child survive?

BH: Yes, little #Blogher10 has been kicking and screaming. Even without me, I know that her dad, #GiveMeFreeShit, will do a great job raising her.

Me: Thanks for the interview. You can now walk into the light.

BH: Oh it’s so pretty. I hear harps and feel the fluttering of wings. I’m coming, heaven! Wait, what’s happening? It’s stalling – the pearly gates aren’t opening. Oh fuck, it’s the FAIL WHALE!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

93 thoughts on “My Interview with #BlogHer09”

  1. The men’s panel was by far my favorite even though it hurt me deeply to have men in the same hotel as all us women. (Rumors and what not. Because you know, men perpetuate them.) My only disappointment was that there were no rumors about you and I. What the fuck? I need to try harder next year.

  2. I guess it’s one of those, you gotta take the good with the bad kind of situations. And the rumors and being all offended bullshit really were quite good for a laugh, even though I know that said issues really hurt the feelings of some.

    P.S. I like free shit but it’s not as cool when you have to lug it all around with you.

  3. that hashtag was unfortunately the reason i unfollowed so many people during the party (i mean conference). it’s going to take me awhile before i follow again πŸ™‚ i’m a bitch like that. i thank you deeply, from the bottom of my heart, for not tweeting your bathroom breaks or your breakfast agenda.

  4. Anorexia contingency?


    “BH: Yeah, well, somebody also said that the WiFi in the hotel was amazing, so you know how easily bullshit spreads.”
    Fucking hysterical. Just fucking hysterical.

  5. Just realized that I’m one of “THOSE” people. I’ve had my browser open to your page for hours now. I”m at work and got busy and then forgot to finish reading. Oops, sorry.

    Enjoyed the Vaginally Challenged ROYO at #BlogHer09, it was great. You all did an amazing job.

  6. That lull in #blogher09 wasn’t because of lunch. Apparently I was in her hotel room at the time. Living up to my blog name.

    On a more non-rumorous note, being on the panel with you was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. And quite the honor. Thanks again.

  7. (singing) *and it seems to me you lived your life like a business card in the wind,

    never knowing who to cling to when the elbows-started-flying-for-free-shit

    I would have liked to love you but I had to stand in line for four fucking hours to pee

    Your business card blew away long before your legend ever did*

  8. Was I supposed to be offended by that guy’s tshirt? Why didn’t anyone tell me I had to get all hot and bothered? I just thought, Meh, when I saw the “offensive” shirts.

    I think the biggest travesty of Blogher09 was the lack of decent beer. We were in Chicago, city of great microbrews and I had to drink a beer that was closer to water than it was beer.

      1. @Avitable, Whatever dude. I’m sure someone didn’t like my Green Moms Do It Naturally shirt either.

        The thing I’m more concerned about (other thank the lack of decent beer) was the what was going on with Mrs. Potato Head. The Mr. is nowhere to be found and she’s dancing just a little too close to the Sobe Dragon at the Friday night cocktail party. I fear for the Potato Head marriage. Did they clear that up in the who’s not sleeping with who portion of your panel? I read the live blog and they didn’t mention the Potato Heads at all.

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