Sunday: I’m starting this diary because I need to vent. All of these beautiful angels walking around with glowing skin and perfect wings and shit, and I’m fucking shunned and given all the shitastic jobs because I’m ugly. So what if I have a harelip and acne? Why does it matter if one of my wings is smaller than the other? I’m just as holy a creature as that douchebag Iofiel.
Monday: Went in to apply for angelic duties on Earth and was rejected instantly. Harahel actually has a rubber stamp that says “Too Ugly” that he used on my application! Guess where I got assigned instead. The unicorn stables. FML.
Tuesday: It was my first day in the unicorn stables. I hate them – they’re beautiful creatures and they know it, always looking down their noses at me. At first I didn’t think the job would be too bad, but then one of the unicorns took a shit right on my shoe, and it went all the way up to my knee. Why the fuck wouldn’t there be some type of anal cork in heaven? Who wants to shit when you’re enjoying paradise?
Wednesday: Today a small group of aborted fetus angels flew around me when I was walking down to the store for a pack of cigarettes. “Are you a devil?” one of the little shits asked, and the rest giggled. “No, silly,” another little douchenozzle trilled, “he’s just really ugly!” I threw a bucket of unicorn shit at them, and then they called Laylah and cried to her, and she beat the shit out of me with her bare hands. I swear to Him, if I didn’t have a claw hand, I would have been able to take her.
Thursday: At lunch, I had to wait for all the beautiful angels to get served first. And of course I couldn’t go anywhere else to eat, because the only restaurant in heaven is Chick-Fil-A. I am so sick of chicken. I’d kick Jesus in the nuts for a Whopper right now.
Friday: Quit my job today after my boss asked me to manually massage the prostate of one of the stud unicorns. I’m not worried, though. We have a 0% unemployment rate here in heaven.
Saturday: Since we don’t have delivery here, I can’t order books or movies from Amazon.com. I go to the library and check out the only book they ever have – the Bible. Well, sometimes they get a shipment of porn in, too, but that’s always checked out by God and returned all sticky and tattered.
Sunday: Do you know what’s worse than cleaning up unicorn shit with a huge broom? Being the Pearly Gate Greeter. It’s like working at Disney, except heaven’s more evil. You have to stand there with a smile on your face while all of the stupid humans come in. They’re starstruck and all touristy and shit, taking pictures, posing with Pete, and stripping their clothes off so they can walk around without shame. And trust me. They were better off with shame.
Monday: After a German tourist who died in a blimp accident came up and asked me where the Pearly Gates were, I screamed into his fat little face: “They’re right behind me, shit-for-nuts!!!” Then I may have tried to light him on fire. I can’t handle it any more – I’m quitting heaven altogether. I think I’ll just go work hell instead. I can handle the continuous anal sex with a cactus, because Monday night is Sloppy Joe night in hell!
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The question still lingers for me, would you massage the prostate of a unicorn for a Whopper, though? I mean, if it were an option.
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@Myg, indubitably.
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I really hope you like sloppy joe’s.
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@adena, whatever are you saying?
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Twitter: mooshinindy
says:
yeah. i don’t really get it. but i could go for some chicken.
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@moosh in indy., everybody always says “beautiful angel”. Made me wonder what happens to the ugly ones.
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Oh, I needed this laugh. Thanks!
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@MeanOne, anytime – it’s what I’m here for!
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Hm.
Maybe you should have done that history thing after all.
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@Miss Britt, that would have been even less funny!
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Unbelievable!! Ungrateful unicorns, upset un-borns, unaware un-living, uplifting ugliness. Unholy utterings!! (This) User uniquely unworthy.
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@avatgardener, uber-impressed at use of U.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
This post made me realize that I, too, don’t like ugly people. Or angels. You’re ugly, so you’re life sucks. What’s so hard to understand about that?
Now, I’m going to walk around feeling bad about this all day.
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@Faiqa, I like angels. You don’t? You’re a bad person.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
Thanks. Now I’m going to be picking egg out of my keyboard, as a goodly portion of my breakfast burrito now decorates said keyboard, along with the coffee I had a mouthful of – to lubricate the passage of said burrito on its journey South. I have, however, learned my lesson. I will eat AFTER I’ve come here, or maybe even BEFORE, but not ever again DURING.
On the other hand – it was worth it.
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@lceel, I wouldn’t eat before. I post naked pictures of myself, too.
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Twitter: MrsLoulou
says:
Okay… you’re funny. I think I like you!
Had to come check you out because I heard some great things about you!
So… hi! My name is Loukia.
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@Loukia, your name is Loukia and you live on the second floor?
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Adam,
Nothing that exists in heaven or in hell is more evil than Disney.
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@Jenn, what about Ann Coulter?
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
You know what this story needs? More sheep.
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@SciFi Dad, baaa.
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Twitter: Temptingsam
says:
You know when you eat some food and you get fucked up dreams that make little to no sense but you shrug them off and blame the food? Ya, this was kinda like that for me. But now I want some fuckin’ Chick-Fil-A dammit.
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@sam {temptingmama}, it was kind of like this for me and I wrote it!
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
This is a very informative post especially considering that with the current healthcare reform not paying for EMS, and the pending collapse of the healthcare system nationwide I need something to fall back on.
How do I apply for the Unicorn Prostate Masseuse job?
Is there a 401k?
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@NYCWD, there is a 401K, but you don’t want to know how you withdraw from it.
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I don’t mean this in a jackassy condescending way but uh….I’m pretty impressed that you not only know the names of the angels but also have them perfectly placed according to what they “do”. Disco.
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@Hilly, well, I may have done some research ahead of time. And it seemed stupid not to make sure that the ones I chose were close to their job duties!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Doesn’t a fallen angel get certain preferential treatment in Hell?
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@B.E. Earl, only if you’re a white angel. The black ones get fucked.
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I’ll see you in hell. It sounds more fun anyway. Plus all our friends will be there.
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@Grant, true. Except for Britt. Well, at least as far as she thinks.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
There’s Chik-Fil-A in heaven? God does love me.
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@Finn, yes, She does.
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This would’ve been complete with a lovely cartoon drawing.
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@Sybil Law, I was too tired!
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Is there Starbuck and Taco Bell in hell? Because that is where I want to be.
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@GrandeMocha, those two are in Purgatory.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
If they don’t have cheeseburgers in Heaven I’m not going. And I’d like for there to be strippers too. But, I’ll settle for cheeseburgers.
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@Jay, of course there are strippers. They all have hearts of gold.
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Dude, how and where do you come up with this stuff?! LOL.
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@cat, I can’t even say that I drink.
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I’m ugly on earth so does this mean I’ll still be ugly in heaven? If so, why should I bother.
btw – I refuse to eat at Chick-fil-a. If they don’t want my business on Sundays when I’m hungry, they can’t have it on the other days when they want to sell their dead chicken sandwiches.
Fun post – Cheers
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@David, I wish I had that strength, but their dead chicken sandwiches are so damn good!
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If there’s Chick-fil-A in heaven I’m not going there. I can’t live in eternity without pizza.
Are there pizza joints in hell?
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, pizza is in Nirvana.
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Twitter: Barking_Mad
says:
I’m going to have to disagree with Jenn…nothing can be more evil on heaven or in hell than WalMart…because when you said “greeter” that exactly the image I got in my head. One of those happy-as-shit greeters from WalMart. Oiy! I already know I’m going to hell, and whadya think is gonna be the first thing I see? Yep, a WalMart greeter.
I think, if given the choice, I’ll go massage the unicorn’s nutsack if it’s all the same to you.
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@Audrey at Barking Mad, unicorns’ nutsacks need love too!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
You know, everyone always says that I have the weirdest shit that comes out of my brain but I really think you are the leader.
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@Robin, I do come up with some random shit.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
I was totally prepared to go to Heaven because of the overabundance of Chick-Fil-A’s (we don’t have them in sucktacuar Las Vegas) but then you mentioned unicorn shit. I’m pretty sure that animals that pretty only create fluffy fecal matter that looks like cotton candy, but I’m not willing to take any chances. When you get to Hell, I’ll be the one in the cafeteria waving you over to join me for a sloppy joe. See you soon!
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@perpstu, save me a seat!
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
It always comes down to the sloppy joes, doesn’t it?
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@Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, yup. That or the Benjamins.
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with a cactus? really? And sloppy joe night?
Your blog is very informative!
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@Lynn Craig, I’m a fount of useless incorrect information.
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okay, so the whole no clothes thing? Don’t think I could do it. Even dead.
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@gorillabuns, shame disappears once you’re dead. Or hit age 60.
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
I’m surprised to learn that CFA is the only place to eat there. I expected a Dairy Queen, too. Heaven should have lots and lots of ice cream.
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@The Driftwood Collector, well, they’re up there, too, but they don’t serve all that crappy food – only ice cream.
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This has nothing to do with your post. However, I was just wondering: As a Gilmore Girls fan, are you/were you not disappointed with the lack of extensive and awesome references to pop culture and the like as the show waned to closure? Oh! Also, have you noticed that Mr. Kim was mentioned in the first two episodes. In fact, I believe in the first Mrs. Kim is even yelling at him or talking about him, but then he is never mentioned or exists after that? Mysteries.
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@Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy, yeah, once Amy S-P left the show, the writing definitely went downhill. And didn’t you know that Mrs. Kim and Mr. Kim are the same person??
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Darn it my question about massaging prostates of unicorns for Whoppers was already asked.
I feel so uncreative
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@Sarcastica, that’s okay. It happens to everyone.
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Even though you called my comment witty and insightful, it truly wasn’t. I’ll go cry now
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Wait, Monday nights are Sloppy Joe nights in Hell? Fuck. I thought it was Wednesdays. Now I’m going to have to rethink this whole afterlife thing.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, Wednesdays is stale bread day.
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