Unless I come up with yet another genius and hilarious idea, this is my last post about #BlogHer. I may post a few of my favorite photos and I may discuss the “Vaginally Challenged: The Men of BlogHer” panel I spoke on at some point, but I want to wait for the audio to be available. I have uploaded all of the photos that I took (and that Britt took, since she broke her camera the first night and used mine a lot) on my Flickr here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/avitable/sets/72157621757851925/
I’m looking forward to this weekend, because I am still recovering from an unbelievable five days in Chicago. I haven’t read many blogs, haven’t replied to my own comments, haven’t gotten my work done, and haven’t even unpacked. If you looked like this, you’d feel the same way too:
- Horribly puffy eyes that won’t stay open caused by lack of sleep, plus Muskrat poked me in the eye with his penis.
- Rapidly expanding bald spot caused by being placed in high-estrogen, high-stress environment where I faced people that used to only live in my computer. Baldness not helped by the chunk of hair that Karen and Sam pulled out as a souvenir.
- Albino, sallow skin from last week’s spray tan washing off and from having my forehead repeatedly smooshed up against Kelly‘s and Anissa’s boobs.
- Glazed over eyes from trying to work, plus eyes are also worn out from the exercise required to simultaneously look at a blogger and smile while trying to peripherally read their nametag to see who the fuck they were. Eye muscles also strained from trying to pick out tiny bloggers like Ali and Casey in a crowd.
- Normal shirt with no offensive slogans because there are no people to oppress or demean in person. Online, I’ll still offend bloggers like Grace and Maria.
- Chapped lips from talking non-stop about BlogHer as if anyone is left who cares. Dehydration still occurring after my flight from Chicago to Florida, where I could have saved the trip and hung out with Angel, Angie, Shari, Melanie, Karl, Maria, and Izzy.
- Piece of cheeseburger still stuck between my teeth from the CheeseburgHer party. Probably photographed by Y and served by Lindsay.
- Unshaven scruffy stubble because I haven’t shaved my own face in three years and my barber was sick on Tuesday. Plus, I knew how much Deb loves a man’s stubble rubbing on her cheek when he hugs her. Of course, looking like a homeless man isn’t very good for impressing new bloggers that you met for the first time, like Sara and Renee.
- Almost empty container of hand sanitizer from trying to sanitize everything from bird flu, swine flu, baby influenze, mommy blogger’s madness, and other diseases that could have been picked up at BlogHer, most likely from Megan or Miss.
- Wrinkled shirt left at bottom of suitcase which is the only clean piece of clothing that I own. The rest of my clothing was torn off in the throes of passion by Victoria, Traci, and Pauline.
- Earpiece dangling from overuse from returning voicemails for work. It’s getting a chance to cool off before I start making crank calls to Heather and Linda. And heavy breathing and dirty talking with my sexy voice phone calls to Sue, Maggie, and Catherine.
- Perpetual darkness to simulate a cave-like environment after the horrible evil brightness of the Sheraton. Preparing myself to once again burst into flame when I go into the sun.
- (Not pictured)My testicles, which were autographed by Megan, Erin, Jenny, and Elisa and will never be washed again.
Just a quick disclaimer: I’ve tried to mention as many of the people that I met that I can remember off the top of my head over the last few BlogHer posts, but I know that there will be some people that I will forget. It’s not on purpose, and if you comment to remind me, that would be awesome.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Less than 2 months until BlogHer. Are you going?
I’m disappointed in BlogHer
Avitable at BlogHer 2009
Wait.
We’re supposed to be back to work already??
Shit.
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@Miss Britt, well, you are. I’m still on vacation.
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Twitter: VDog
says:
Did you really get people to sign your balzac? Snort.
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@VDog, I wish I had thought of that when I was there. I totally would have.
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I hope you don’t hold me responsible for Muskrat poking you in the eye with his penis.. I agreed to let him room with us, but did not sign up for babysitting.
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@churchpunkmom, he said you and Aman told him to do it!
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Well now I feel cheated. No testicle pictures.
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@Kris, there are plenty here, so you should be able to curb your cravings!
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@Avitable, Yes, but they’re not *autographed* testicles. That makes them so much more speshul.
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@Kris, that is true. The autographs make them priceless.
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I’ll hang witchu in Florida.
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@Maria, I can’t believe I forgot to add you. I changed it and stuck you in there too!
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@Avitable, I am so excited about your Halloween party.
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@Maria, I’m glad you’re going to come!
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I’m sitting here by the phone. Waiting.
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@Suebob, I’m going to call the stapler.
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Don’t look right now, but there’s a bunch of numbers and lines floating around your head. Weird.
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@LeSombre, as long as I’m not the only one seeing them.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
I’m making my tuft of Avitahair into a spoon rest. http://craftastrophe.net/2009/06/gag-inducing-spoon-rest/
You can have half of the monies.
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@Karen Sugarpants, haha. You said “monies”.
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Twitter: CountessMo
says:
I feel like how you look, but I’m going to count myself lucky that I don’t look *quite* that BlogHerWasted.
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@Maura – @MoBurns67, and that’s four days later.
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Good weekends end with a bleary eyed photo.
Great weekends end with full body disinfectant a la Karen Silkwood.
I’d get those autographs tattooed just to be safe.
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@the slackmistress, I plan on it. Wonder if I can find a tattoo parlor that does nut tats?
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That’s some quality scrotum signage.
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@SingleParentDad, it’s like the Holy Grail of nutographs.
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Prolific, pleasing past-party-ing precedes pathetic pictures of properly puffy post-er.
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@avatgardener, properly prepared people procure prozac.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Name dropper!
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@B.E. Earl, I know. I’m like Kato Kaelin.
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Spray tan?!!!
You still look cute. Which I know guys love to hear, but whatever.
Now get some fucking work done, slacker!
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@Sybil Law, yeah, I got a spray tan. It was fun!
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That shirt I tore off you during the throws of passion is next to my pillow right now. I sleep with it. And in about 11 states I think that’s illegal.
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@Veep Veep, it is legal in FL and NY, and that’s all that matters.
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The details of my Saturday night are a little fuzzy. People have tweeted me, “It was so cool to dance w/you” “Im glad we met” and I kinda of don’t remember it. At all. Just how passionate were we?
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@OHmommy, well, I haven’t removed the lipstick from my penis yet.
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Though I did not take any eyes out in grabbing for the swag, I did pretty much lunge at you and Miss Britt when I insisted on introducing myself to you both, whether you liked it or not. I’d like to think you may be flattered that I reserved that pushy-blogger-swag-or-die moment for you.
See you in 2010. Hope to make your limerick list then.
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@Grace Davis, I’m totally flattered! I’ve also decided that I need to keep better track of who I meet for recap purposes in 2010.
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
I’m ready to be offended. Get to work!!
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@Maria, I know it will have to be something horrible to offend both of you!
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This may be one of the first ever posts that you mentioned your nutsack without an accompanying photo.
So how does a week old piece of cheeseburger taste?
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@martymankins, tastes like cheeseburger with a bit of bleu cheese on it!
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Twitter: Carolynonline
says:
I think that hobo-in-training look is good for you.
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@Carolyn Online, oh, there was a time when I hadn’t shaved for four months. Talk about hobo!
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Twitter: lceel
says:
Mantan. It lasts longer. You just have to ignore the ‘orangish’ tint – but it’s guaranteed not to rub off on boobs.
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Twitter: Barking_Mad
, July 30th, 2009: 6:32 PM
@lceel,
Gee thanks for that. You owe me a coke. Over crushed ice please!
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@lceel, this one was at least a bit natural. I didn’t want the “George Hamilton” look.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Wow. That picture. It’s like looking in a mirror. Oh man. I totally need to wax.
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@Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, and trim your damn nose hairs!
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Can’t wait! 1-800-DAMMIT
I’m wearing an apron and nothing else.
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@maggie, dammit, I called that number, but they want my credit card.
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You couldn’t have told the internet I have nice boobs huh? You had to go with the disease. What happens at Blogher stays at Blogher MY FUCKING ASS.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
, July 30th, 2009: 5:25 PM
@Miss, oh shit. what’s wrong with your fucking ass? *washes hands*
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@Miss, am I supposed to pee rainbows?
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@Miss, hit enter too quickly. I also meant to add “What do you take for that horrible dread disease you gave me?”
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I haven’t unpacked either and just this morning pulled out a wrinkled t-shirt from my suitcase. It’s too fucking hot here to care anyhow and it’s zapped my vanity and basically my will to live.
I’m totally not upset that you haven’t mentioned meeting me. Sincerely.
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@sizzle, shit. See? I missed way too many people. I might have to just write an ode to you someday.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Why can’t you opress or demean your wife? I do it to Manly Man all the time.
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@Robin, she’s unoppressible. That’s totally a word.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I’m fairly certain you asked to be skull fucked. Right? Right? Oh hell.
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@muskrat, I think I said “bull pucky” and you misunderstood.
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I’m unoffendable. Well. Nearly.
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@Miss Grace, see? It’s a challenge.
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@Avitable, Well hop to it then. I’m waiting.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Ooo! Ooo! I’m getting cranked called! I’m available after 8PM. I’ll be breathlessly waiting!
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, just as long as you’re naked.
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Dude, I totally look like that. Except facial hair is more flattering on you.
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@Elisa, want to compare mustaches?
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Twitter: Barking_Mad
says:
I have far too many mental images swirling around my brain, courtesy of the above comments and your post, to be able to leave a coherent comment.
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@Audrey at Barking Mad, from now on, you can just type “boobs”.
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I swear, I’m totally clean. But also PISSED that I didn’t get to sign your testicles. What the fuck?
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@Undomestic Diva, next time. Bring a Sharpie.
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HA! Am laughing my ass off yet again.
Man, I SO want to come to your Halloween party!
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@Sarcastica, one of these years.
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Twitter: MrsLoulou
says:
Left you a comment… but I think I sent it a dozen times. And if I did – I’m sorry!
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@Loukia, it didn’t publish for some reason, but that’s okay.
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I have nothing useful to say. I’m just commenting to force a response out of you.
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@Grant, you’re an evil bastard.
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Twitter: Temptingsam
says:
And here I thought that tuft of hair was a gift from Little Adam. Now I feel cheated.
Wait.
What was the question?
(So coming to the Halloween party! I can’t wait!)
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@sam {temptingmama}, me either!
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Twitter: CorrinRenee
says:
seriously – i didn’t make the cut again? damn.
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@corrin, I was totally trying to fit in everyone, but it was tough. I know there are at least 50-100 people that I haven’t mentioned. I know, I suck!!
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Twitter: sendchocolate
says:
You’ve been busy! Great posts. And…you met me. I was drinking with Muskrat and Miss Britt at the Chi Bar. Saturday night. I also occasionally comment on your blog, but mostly just read, cause that’s the kind of lazy bitch I am.
You are one of the most down-to-earth genuinely nice guys (oh, oh kiss of death!) I have ever met, Adam. And I say that in all seriousness. Pay attention because I am rarely serious. Except when I am.
Tina
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Twitter: sendchocolate
says:
I forgot to log in first, so just delete the one above..
You’ve been busy! Great posts. And…you met me. I was drinking with Muskrat and Miss Britt at the Chi Bar. Saturday night. I also occasionally comment on your blog, but mostly just read, cause that’s the kind of lazy bitch I am.
You are one of the most down-to-earth genuinely nice guys (oh, oh kiss of death!) I have ever met, Adam. And I say that in all seriousness. Pay attention because I am rarely serious. Except when I am.
Tina
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@sendchocolate, you might want to log in and add your URL in there too! And it was nice meeting you – I remember.
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WOW! I must say, I never thought I’d wind up being on the receiving end of such a PG13 line on your blog!! It must have been when I told you my kids say ‘Tact is for Pussies’ that I stood out in your Blogher memory.
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@TRACI, you mean it was too clean? I could dirty it up for ya if you wanted.
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Twitter: alimartell
says:
we are twins.
I look just like that too
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@ali, I noticed the resemblance last weekend. It’s uncanny.
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True story: I’ve been carrying your balls around with me all week.
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@Jenny, Bloggess, so that’s where they went!
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
I think you should submit this photo to Faces of Meth to see if they can guess if you’re on it or not.
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@whall, so I look that good, hm?
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*snort*
I have been completely useless the last week. But at least I have less stubble.
On my face, anyway.
I hope to see you again before Halloween.
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@Angel Smith, I hope so too!
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This is freaking hilarious.
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@Suburban Turmoil, I’d love to say that I look more well-rested and less zombie-like now, but then I’d be lying.
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