When you make dinner reservations, it’s important to make sure that you are memorable so that the person on the other end of the line is less likely to fuck anything up.
The Wrong Way:
“Snooty Fancypants Eatery, how can I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like to make reservations for 4 at 7 PM, please.”
“Okay, what’s your last name?”
“A. V. I. T. A. B. L. E.”
“Okay, Mr. Aucibabile, we’ll see you at 7.”
See? Everything gets fucked up, and they never have your name right, which makes you look stupid and unprofessional in front of the people you’re trying to impress by taking them out for a fancy dinner.
The Avitable Way:
“Snooty Fancypants Eatery, how can I help you?”
“Yes, I’d like to make reservations for 4 at 7 PM, please.”
“Okay, what’s your last name?”
“Avitable. I’ll spell it for you.
A as in Asshole
V as in Vagina
I as in In Her Ass
T as in Tittyfucking
A as in Anal Fisting
B as in Bukkake
L as in Luscious Labia
E as in Echo.”
“Okay, Mr. Avitable, we’ll see you at 7.”
Now, when you walk into the restaurant, the hostess will remember you instantly, and you’ll get excellent service.
This is just one of many tips that I have about making sure your dining experience is an outstanding one. Stay tuned for future lessons in:
- Tipping – how to lay a pile of one dollar bills on the table, tell the server it’s his or her tip, and then remove bills for every error, all without seeming like a complete douchey assmonger.
- Waitress respect – when it’s okay to slap the ass of your server and when it’s considered inappropriate.
- Belching – is it always a compliment to the chef?
- Sallying It Up – Can you ask for too much customization with your meal? Is it acceptable to turn a bacon cheeseburger into steak tartare by adding and subtracting a few simple ingredients?
- Table Sex – should foot- and hand jobs under the table be reserved for five-star restaurants? Our experts weigh in.
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
I’m going to be making reservations in your name all over Orlando/Altamonte Springs.
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@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], well, at least I’ll be able to get a table at any restaurant no matter how popular!
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Ha! im going to use your name all over GA! Well, for reservations anyway….
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@Just Me, use my name for everything. I haven’t had to pay for anything in years because I’m so famous and awesome.
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I knew I’d been doing it wrong!
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@Staceylt, and now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
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Twitter: kimt205
says:
Oh my goodness just wait til AvitaWeen!!
Where’s the list of places I shouldn’t mention your name??
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@Kim, my name is acceptable everywhere.
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@Avitable, just like visa!
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Surprisingly, I had to look up “Bukkake.” However I was NOT surprised when I learned the definition! I do believe that would make you memorable to the staff.. whether it would get you good service or not, I’m not sure!
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@Christy, I’m happy that I was able to educate you.
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Twitter: MrsLoulou
says:
Hilarious! I look forward to reading more tips from you, Mr. Aveetable.
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@Loukia, I’m a fount of information.
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Funny. At the end of the meal, they would probably give you complimentary condoms.
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@MariaV, and lube.
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Great tips – I’ll have to try those!
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@Katie, let me know how it works for you!
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I still think it’s weird that you refer to Chili’s as “Snooty Fancypants Eatery”.
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@Miss Britt, but they use real silverware, not that there plastic stuff!
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E as in Echo explains everything.
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@avatgardener, exactly.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I have two people in my life who insist on “Sallying it up” whenever they order. One is a friend who insists that “the chef doesn’t even know how good it’s gonna be” when she orders and the other is my future mother in-law…if I don’t kill her first. She “Sallys” even on the most mundane takeout order.
Drives. Me. Batshit.
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@B.E. Earl, I’ll admit to customizing orders when they have vegetables on them, but otherwise, I’m pretty easygoing.
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I am now going to change my name to Avitable to insure better reservations.
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@Marty, better sex, too.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
When people ask me why I didn’t change my name when I got married, I always tell them that even I call for Chinese takeout, then can spell Davis. Now I have learn to spell the Avitable way. “D is for dip shit.”
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@GrandeMocha, exactly – the Avitable way IS the better way!
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Echo? That’s weird.
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@Grant, I know – such a pervy thing to say, too.
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Nothing says “romantic” like a dinner reservation made in the name of anal fisting.
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@Badass Geek, well, if you add candles and the resulting hot wax, then it’s really romantic.
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I had to look up “Bukkake”. . . and I kind of wish I hadn’t.
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@sizzle, you didn’t know what that was? I’m glad that I was able to educate you.
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Hahahahahahaha
But – not “t” as in “tittle”?!!!!
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@Sybil Law, “tittle” isn’t nearly as fun.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
belching is ALWAYS a compliment. always.
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@hello haha narf, I don’t know about that . . .
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
and table sex is fantastic everywhere. everyone should do more of it.
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@hello haha narf, there’s an idea for HNT for you!
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Twitter: lceel
says:
Got kinda stuck on ‘E’, huh?
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@lceel, nah, I just like to stick a little absurdist humor in there sometimes.
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Twitter: Barking_Mad
says:
And to think you’ve never been asked to write for Food & Wine! Their readership is really missing out on finer points of a fancy schmancy meal!
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@Audrey at Barking Mad, I know. They could do so much better if I was on staff.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I wish the military would go to your version of the phonetic alphabet. Alpha Victor India Tango, etc. just doesn’t compare.
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@muskrat, I submitted a proposal to them but haven’t heard back. Fingers crossed!
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My Grandpa used to do the same thing on tipping, except with QUARTERS. That was super classy and always embaresed the hell out of me. Especially since I was a server at the time.
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@Shannon, wow – that would frustrate the hell out of me!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
When I belch in anyone’s company it’s a sign of respect.
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@Robin, what about when you fart?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Funny.
(My communication is limited to one to two syllable words until further notice).
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@Faiqa, okay.
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I can’t wait for your tips on, er, tipping. I very very very reluctantly tip. Yes, I’m one of those “nobody tips me for the work *I* do so why should I…” types.
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@Kevin Spencer, really? I’m a very generous tipper.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I thoroughly enjoyed this post and the hint that related interesting posts are on the horizon.
I am never trying to impress anyone so crass word-letter association never seems necessary. They always get my name wrong even when I spell it. On the plus side, people at work thoroughly enjoy yelling my last name across large rooms because they think it’s fun to say, which it most definitely is.
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@Poppy, I will yell your last name across a large room next time I see you.
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Twitter: poppycede
, August 2nd, 2009: 8:41 PM
@Avitable, make sure it sounds like you’re excited to see me, and like it was an unanticipated and serendipitous addition to your day. That’s what they all do. It cracks me up.
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Twitter: sendchocolate
says:
hand jobs= tacky. Foot jobs, only if the tablecloth covers feet and crotch. Otherwise? Supremely gross.
And? If you order the lobster, be prepared to do the foot job, or take care of it once you get home. (stuff I have learned)
Tina
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@sendchocolate, That is nasty funny!
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@sendchocolate, and don’t use the lobster claw for the hand job.
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Twitter: Carolynonline
says:
I’m just troubled by what it would mean if I used your method to leave my name…
C as in ….
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@Carolyn Online, oh, the possibilities!
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Seriously, I thought slapping the ass of a server WAS a tip.
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@Mars, no, telling her to wax her mustache – that’s a tip.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
I’m expecting a full dining guide series now.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, I’ll be this generation’s Miss Manners.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
What’s funny is I’ve already submitted your name and caller id to the Restaurant Reservations list, which all the good places use to make sure to mess up peoples reservations. It’s just a practical joke done with love.
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@whall, that’s okay – I signed you up for the Democratic Party.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
, August 3rd, 2009: 2:47 PM
@Avitable, what makes you think I didn’t do that myself, when the Democratic Primary came through Texas last year and I wanted Hillary to go against McCain instead of Obama?
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Hi, I’d like to make a reservation for 3. Oh, the name of my party? That would be Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.
Yes, I’m a gigantic dork.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, not a dork at all. Ferris is a classic movie!
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Personally, I always go with Donner. Then I start calling every hour and dropping the number by one. Donner party of 5…party of 4….3…
Cause I’m sick AND hungry.
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@Nancy at Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, very nice.
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