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How to make dinner reservations

When you make dinner reservations, it’s important to make sure that you are memorable so that the person on the other end of the line is less likely to fuck anything up.

The Wrong Way:

“Snooty Fancypants Eatery, how can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to make reservations for 4 at 7 PM, please.”

“Okay, what’s your last name?”

“A. V. I. T. A. B. L. E.”

“Okay, Mr. Aucibabile, we’ll see you at 7.”

See? Everything gets fucked up, and they never have your name right, which makes you look stupid and unprofessional in front of the people you’re trying to impress by taking them out for a fancy dinner.

The Avitable Way:

“Snooty Fancypants Eatery, how can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to make reservations for 4 at 7 PM, please.”

“Okay, what’s your last name?”

“Avitable. I’ll spell it for you.
A as in Asshole
V as in Vagina
I as in In Her Ass
T as in Tittyfucking
A as in Anal Fisting
B as in Bukkake
L as in Luscious Labia
E as in Echo.”

“Okay, Mr. Avitable, we’ll see you at 7.”

Now, when you walk into the restaurant, the hostess will remember you instantly, and you’ll get excellent service.

This is just one of many tips that I have about making sure your dining experience is an outstanding one. Stay tuned for future lessons in:

  • Tipping – how to lay a pile of one dollar bills on the table, tell the server it’s his or her tip, and then remove bills for every error, all without seeming like a complete douchey assmonger.
  • Waitress respect – when it’s okay to slap the ass of your server and when it’s considered inappropriate.
  • Belching – is it always a compliment to the chef?
  • Sallying It Up – Can you ask for too much customization with your meal? Is it acceptable to turn a bacon cheeseburger into steak tartare by adding and subtracting a few simple ingredients?
  • Table Sex – should foot- and hand jobs under the table be reserved for five-star restaurants? Our experts weigh in.
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72 Replies to “How to make dinner reservations”

  1. Christy

    Surprisingly, I had to look up “Bukkake.” However I was NOT surprised when I learned the definition! I do believe that would make you memorable to the staff.. whether it would get you good service or not, I’m not sure!

  2. B.E. Earl

    I have two people in my life who insist on “Sallying it up” whenever they order. One is a friend who insists that “the chef doesn’t even know how good it’s gonna be” when she orders and the other is my future mother in-law…if I don’t kill her first. She “Sallys” even on the most mundane takeout order.

    Drives. Me. Batshit.

  3. GrandeMocha

    When people ask me why I didn’t change my name when I got married, I always tell them that even I call for Chinese takeout, then can spell Davis. Now I have learn to spell the Avitable way. “D is for dip shit.”

  4. Shannon

    My Grandpa used to do the same thing on tipping, except with QUARTERS. That was super classy and always embaresed the hell out of me. Especially since I was a server at the time.

  5. Poppy

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post and the hint that related interesting posts are on the horizon.

    I am never trying to impress anyone so crass word-letter association never seems necessary. They always get my name wrong even when I spell it. On the plus side, people at work thoroughly enjoy yelling my last name across large rooms because they think it’s fun to say, which it most definitely is.

  6. sendchocolate

    hand jobs= tacky. Foot jobs, only if the tablecloth covers feet and crotch. Otherwise? Supremely gross.

    And? If you order the lobster, be prepared to do the foot job, or take care of it once you get home. (stuff I have learned)

    Tina

  7. whall

    What’s funny is I’ve already submitted your name and caller id to the Restaurant Reservations list, which all the good places use to make sure to mess up peoples reservations. It’s just a practical joke done with love.

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