CUSTOMER SERVICE HUMANOID FLUNKY: “Thank you for calling American Home Shield. How can I help you?”
ME: “My air conditioning has stopped working and I need someone to come out immediately to fix it.”
CSHF: “We can put a call out to a service provider and they should contact you to schedule an appointment within four business days.”
ME: “But this is an emergency. I need someone to come out within 24 hours.”
CSHF: “Unfortunately, sir, we can only send someone out on an emergency call in very specific situations.”
ME: “But I have a dog who can’t stay home in the heat.”
CSHF: “I’m sorry, sir.”
ME: “And she’s sick.”
CSHF: “Sorry.”
ME: “With some type of tumor that makes her really hot.”
CSHF: “Doesn’t count.”
ME: “And I have an elderly person who lives here.”
CSHF: “Nope.”
ME: “She might die of heat stroke because she can’t move very much.”
CSHF: “Nein.”
ME: “She’s almost 100 and she weighs 900 pounds.”
CSHF: “No.”
ME: “And we have a baby!”
CSHF: “Nah.”
ME: “With AIDS.”
CSHF: “Negatory.”
ME: “And another baby.”
CSHF: “Nay.”
ME: “With cancer.”
CSHF: “Nix.”
ME: “And we live in a house made of combustible materials.”
CSHF: “Nuh-uh.”
ME: “And the heat may make our house explode.”
CSHF: “Nerf.”
ME: “But Michael Jackson just died and it was so sad!”
CSHF: “Heehee shamon unh NO”
ME: “And Jon and Kate broke up!”
CSHF: “OMG REALLY? No.”
ME: “But we’re black!”
CSHF: “So?”
ME: “And gay.”
CSHF: “Noops.”
ME: “And we have four sons in Iraq.”
CSHF: “Nyet.”
ME: “But I’m a big deal on the Internet!”
CSHF: “Oh, well then. Why didn’t you say so? Please hold while I schedule you for emergency assistance.”
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I’m so glad the power of internet finally did something for someone. I thought it was just a fad
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@Amanda, it is a fad. Most people won’t even know what an “internet” is in two years.
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Wait…you’re on the internets???
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@Kris, just one of them.
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@Avitable, which one? Where? 8P
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
You should have tried
Mi sistema de aire acondicionado es tan roto como las fronteras de su país.
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@whall, that’s also what I order at the Mexican restaurant.
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Whatever works, Hot Balls.
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@Sybil Law, not any more – they sweated off!
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Michael Jackson died?
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@Karen Sugarpants, you might have missed it up there. There was only one small story about it here.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Clearly they were worried about being made fun of on a blog.
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@Jay, obviously. Behold the power of the Internet!
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I’m laughing.
I shouldn’t be, but I am. Side note: I just discovered I missed out on your blogHer swag you were handing out.
Stalks off annoyed.
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@Redneck Mommy, we gave one out to every attendee at our panel. Why didn’t Mr. Lady grab an extra for you?
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
What’s the internet?
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@B.E. Earl, a magical wonderland of porn and political retards.
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My air conditioner quit working a month or two ago. When the guy came he told me to start using the cheapest/shittiest air filters. The ones that are 4 for 2.99 at Wal-Mart. He also cut my power and hosed the AC off with a water house. The motherfucker started working after that. Apparently the coils get really dirty from pollen and such, and they should be cleaned once a year. Not that I’m an air conditioning expert. That’s just what was wrong with mine. If I’d known I could have broken out my water hose and saved $300 I would’ve been much happier.
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@Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy, yeah, the part outside gets pretty dirty. I only have to pay $60, though, and they’ll repair or replace anything that needs it.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
I have a special hatred for that particular company. Shortly after we moved into our house, my then-husband realized the pool filter wasn’t working, so he took off the lid and pulled out the filter to check it – an action you would normally take as a part of the regular required maintenance as a responsible pool owner, right? Uh, not according to AHS. They actually fought our claim for weeks because he’d opened the lid instead of waiting for thir authorized flunky to show. We finally had to get our real estate agent involved (who bought our policy and buys hundreds of them a year for his clients who purchase homes through him). It’s sad that it’s the purchase power of the agent that got them moving instead of sheer common sense.
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@Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, I’ve had nothing but good experiences with them. It depends on the company they send out. In Florida, the companies are always willing to side with me against AHS. I’ve had my oven, microwave, dishwasher and outside AC handler all replaced for free.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
, August 5th, 2009: 2:36 PM
@Avitable, Glad to hear it. Maybe they’re just grumpier in Nevada. We’re the fattest, laziest, smokiest. least educated, most drop-outtiest, most underaged knocked-uppiest in the union. Why not add “most insane” to the list? After all, I’m the poster child, right?
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@Nancy at Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, only if you say so. I didn’t see any of that when I met you!
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So you still think you’re a big deal on the internet?
That’s cute.
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@Sarah, oh, I know it, baby.
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I would have switched tones, opting for a more eastern accent, suggesting I may have a rocket launcher, and that my aim may not be that bad.
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@SingleParentDad, they totally would have called my bluff.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
Wait, so Britt called you for a/c service today?
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@SciFi Dad, I ain’t no flunky!
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Hot host haggles/humaniod, hoping heat hastens Houston-way.
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@avatgardener, he helps himself by hyperbole.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Those customer service people will believe ANYthing!
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@Miss Britt, well, I know I’m not as big a deal as YOU.
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Our sprinkler system is all wacky and I have nothing to water the children with, seeing that today will be 90… Im so gonna try that approach.
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@OHmommy, it’s proven to be effective.
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Okay this post made me laugh, well I guess I shouldn’t specify because really all of them do, but I am grabbing my big girl panties to comment again
On the bright side my AC is working fine, but they are charging me way too much this year so I tend to keep it off…assholes
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@Toni, I couldn’t keep it off if I want to survive.
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Twitter: Barking_Mad
says:
So that’s what it takes to get service nowadays huh?
The next time I’m at Macy’s and need help with a bra fitting and the lady is too busy trying to sell everything in the lingerie dept to a busty blonde, I’m going to use that line and see what happens. Well, or not. See, living in Maine, we don’t have AC…I reckon folks ’round these parts don’t even know what it is, so a bra-fitting is gonna be my only chance to use this.
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@Audrey at Barking Mad, AC is nectar from the gods.
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I was beginning to wonder how many different ways there are to say, “No.” Mostly because I thought I had heard them all already from asking girls out when I was in high school.
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@Badass Geek, I can come up with a million of them.
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Twitter: Carolynonline
says:
Thanks for yet another handbook on how to get what I want.
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@Carolyn Online, it’s what I do best!
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Oh the things you poor men have to come up with while us women just use our wiles. And in my case, “wiles” means “big tits”.
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@Hilly, and cleavage from said big tits.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
You and an elderly person who’s nearly 100 and weighs 900 pounds have two kids? Oooo, man, you are one sick puppy.
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@lceel, oh, but she’s hot. Her and her boobs down to her knees.
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You should have played the Billy Mays card.
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@Grant, damn. Where were you when I needed you?
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Come to Detroit. We haven’t used our air conditioning since the end of June.
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@GrandeMocha, yeah, but then I’d have to go to Detroit.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
, August 5th, 2009: 3:28 PM
@Avitable, You could get shirts that say things like “I’m so bad I vacation in Detroit” and you could threaten customer service reps with how tough you are.
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@GrandeMocha, ooh, good point. If only I could do that without actually having to step foot in Detroit, though.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Shamon!!!
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@Robin, unh unh heehee!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i love how you didn’t say “kind of a big deal” on the internet…you just went straight up confidence on their ass.
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@hello haha narf, hell yeah I did!
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I’ll have to try “But I know people who are big deals on the Internet.” so long as I can give them your number?
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@Hockeyman, just tell them that your wife will make out with them, with tongue.
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Thank goodness you aren’t a small deal on the Internet, or you’d be swimming in sweat.
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@Sarcastica, I know. I’m very lucky that I’m such a huge deal on the internet!
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It’s funny that customer service isn’t really EVER interested in, you know, providing service to customers. It’s more like “how long can we wait until we really have to deal with this pain in the ass?”
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@Elisa, yeah, you just have to know how to manipulate the system.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Hehehehehe. That was awesome, especially the MJ part. Me? I jsut threaten to go jihadi on their asses and they pop right on over. With bells on.
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@Faiqa, can you talk with a thick Pakistani accent? I’d like to hear that.
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Everyone can be swayed with the right material.
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@sizzle, you just gotta find what works!
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
See? This is why Imarried a man who has the knowledge of how to fix an A/C in hot ass Florida. I would have been all cussing and screaming at the woman. Then they would have let me stew for a month!!
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@Blondefabulous, well, it will cost me less than the cost of the parts and they’ll have it done as fast as anyone doing it themselves, so I’m okay with it.
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I’m going to try that line next time I need quicker service.
“But I post scooter videos on the internet.”
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@martymankins, let me know how that goes!
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I will have to remember that next time I call a service company..
But I’m not as big of a deal on the internetz as you, sigh…
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@Julie @ Angry Julie Monday, it’s all in the way you say it.
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People like you give the “internet card” a bad name.
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@metalmom, but I tried the race card and the gay card first!
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I personally am with hilly, I use my rather large rack which is why I like to deal with people in person and hope that they are male. Otherwise I would probably burst into tears, which I can do on command since it usually works, but maybe not so much for you, they would probably just call you a pussy or something. Also all of this makes me even more of a kick ass feminist.
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@mountainmomma18, I only cry at manly times.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Even with a semi-migraine I snorted reading this. I love the DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM-ness of the whole thing. *giggling madly*
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@perpstu, it’s an outrage. How is it that there are people in the world who don’t know who I am???!?!?!?111
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I’m going to use that next time I need a continuance for a favorable motion in limine ruling. Think it’ll work?
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@muskrat, yes. If by work you mean get a contempt ruling.
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geezuzzzzzzeffinkrist… that was gawdammned funny. I especially love “his” responses. Glad I stopped in today. I needed the laugh.
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@Twinkie, it was a woman, actually. This is based on a real conversation. Loosely. (The conversation, not the woman).
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I love that you’re a big deal on the internets. Call me. I have a job to do and I need someone who can get shiz done. Love ya, mean it.
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@Shauna, of course, I’m not the one with a book!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
DOES JIGSAW HAVE A TUMOR?! Don’t make me cry.
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@Poppy, no tumors. All hyperbole. She’s healthy and happy.
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I love you, you fat bastard!
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@Sandra, um, I love you too, you dumb bitch?
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@Avitable, oooh a little testy are we? I laughed through your whole post. Sorry for calling names.
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@Sandra, no, not testy at all. I just thought that’s what we were doing!
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
You should’ve just threatened to sic Amy on them.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), excuse me? I’m more effective and scarier than Amy.
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I can’t believe you didn’t score with the Michael Jackson line. It was apparently an emergency of epic proportions to everyone else in the world.
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@Jeff, it was the most important historic event EVER.
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This is how to do it:
“I strenuously object?” Is that how it works? Hm? “Objection.” “Overruled.” “Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object.” “Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider.”
Works every time…
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@Robin, that sounds familiar. What’s that a quote from?
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@Avitable,
Let’s try one more before you give up…and not the obvious one because I give you more credit than that! ;o)
I will, however, leave character names to help you out…
Galloway: You get him on the stand and you get it from him!
Kaffee: We get it from him! Oh! Okay! We get it from him.
[turns to Sam as if he were Jessup on the stand]
Kaffee: Colonel Jessup, isn’t it true that you ordered the Code Red on Santiago?
Lt. Weinberg: Look, we all…
Kaffee: [interrupts with game-show buzzer sound] eeehhhhh! Time’s up! What do we have for the losers, judge? Well, for our defendants, it’s a life time at exotic Fort Leavenworth! And, for defense counsel Kaffee, that’s right, it’s a court martial! Yes, Johnny! After falsely accusing a highly decorated Marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, Lieutenant Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching… typewriter maintenance at the Rocco Globbo School for Women! Thank you for playing “Should we or should we not listen to the advice of the galactically stupid!”
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@Robin, I recognize it now, but it’s actually a movie that I’ve never seen!
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@Avitable,
I know I’m new here but please promise me you will take my (admittedly unproven) word and RUN to check this movie out ASAP! Aaron Sorkin is a GOD! This is one of a handful of flicks that I cannot stop watching when I come across them on t.v. – even though I own them and can watch them commercial-free any time I want…
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@Robin, I will, one of these days.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
U R TOTLY BIG DEEL ON TEH INTERWEBS! LOLZ!!!!!1111!!
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, OMG ITS TROO!
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