Morality is subjective

How to escalate a service request

CUSTOMER SERVICE HUMANOID FLUNKY: “Thank you for calling American Home Shield. How can I help you?”

ME: “My air conditioning has stopped working and I need someone to come out immediately to fix it.”

CSHF: “We can put a call out to a service provider and they should contact you to schedule an appointment within four business days.”

ME: “But this is an emergency. I need someone to come out within 24 hours.”

CSHF: “Unfortunately, sir, we can only send someone out on an emergency call in very specific situations.”

ME: “But I have a dog who can’t stay home in the heat.”

CSHF: “I’m sorry, sir.”

ME: “And she’s sick.”

CSHF: “Sorry.”

ME: “With some type of tumor that makes her really hot.”

CSHF: “Doesn’t count.”

ME: “And I have an elderly person who lives here.”

CSHF: “Nope.”

ME: “She might die of heat stroke because she can’t move very much.”

CSHF: “Nein.”

ME: “She’s almost 100 and she weighs 900 pounds.”

CSHF: “No.”

ME: “And we have a baby!”

CSHF: “Nah.”

ME: “With AIDS.”

CSHF: “Negatory.”

ME: “And another baby.”

CSHF: “Nay.”

ME: “With cancer.”

CSHF: “Nix.”

ME: “And we live in a house made of combustible materials.”

CSHF: “Nuh-uh.”

ME: “And the heat may make our house explode.”

CSHF: “Nerf.”

ME: “But Michael Jackson just died and it was so sad!”

CSHF: “Heehee shamon unh NO”

ME: “And Jon and Kate broke up!”


ME: “But we’re black!”

CSHF: “So?”

ME: “And gay.”

CSHF: “Noops.”

ME: “And we have four sons in Iraq.”

CSHF: “Nyet.”

ME: “But I’m a big deal on the Internet!”

CSHF: “Oh, well then. Why didn’t you say so? Please hold while I schedule you for emergency assistance.”

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103 Replies to “How to escalate a service request”

  1. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

    My air conditioner quit working a month or two ago. When the guy came he told me to start using the cheapest/shittiest air filters. The ones that are 4 for 2.99 at Wal-Mart. He also cut my power and hosed the AC off with a water house. The motherfucker started working after that. Apparently the coils get really dirty from pollen and such, and they should be cleaned once a year. Not that I’m an air conditioning expert. That’s just what was wrong with mine. If I’d known I could have broken out my water hose and saved $300 I would’ve been much happier.

  2. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas

    I have a special hatred for that particular company. Shortly after we moved into our house, my then-husband realized the pool filter wasn’t working, so he took off the lid and pulled out the filter to check it – an action you would normally take as a part of the regular required maintenance as a responsible pool owner, right? Uh, not according to AHS. They actually fought our claim for weeks because he’d opened the lid instead of waiting for thir authorized flunky to show. We finally had to get our real estate agent involved (who bought our policy and buys hundreds of them a year for his clients who purchase homes through him). It’s sad that it’s the purchase power of the agent that got them moving instead of sheer common sense.

  3. Toni

    Okay this post made me laugh, well I guess I shouldn’t specify because really all of them do, but I am grabbing my big girl panties to comment again 🙂

    On the bright side my AC is working fine, but they are charging me way too much this year so I tend to keep it off…assholes

  4. Audrey at Barking Mad

    So that’s what it takes to get service nowadays huh?

    The next time I’m at Macy’s and need help with a bra fitting and the lady is too busy trying to sell everything in the lingerie dept to a busty blonde, I’m going to use that line and see what happens. Well, or not. See, living in Maine, we don’t have AC…I reckon folks ’round these parts don’t even know what it is, so a bra-fitting is gonna be my only chance to use this.

  5. Elisa

    It’s funny that customer service isn’t really EVER interested in, you know, providing service to customers. It’s more like “how long can we wait until we really have to deal with this pain in the ass?”

  6. mountainmomma18

    I personally am with hilly, I use my rather large rack which is why I like to deal with people in person and hope that they are male. Otherwise I would probably burst into tears, which I can do on command since it usually works, but maybe not so much for you, they would probably just call you a pussy or something. Also all of this makes me even more of a kick ass feminist.

  7. Robin

    This is how to do it:

    “I strenuously object?” Is that how it works? Hm? “Objection.” “Overruled.” “Oh, no, no, no. No, I STRENUOUSLY object.” “Oh. Well, if you strenuously object then I should take some time to reconsider.”

    Works every time…

      • Robin

        Let’s try one more before you give up…and not the obvious one because I give you more credit than that! ;o)
        I will, however, leave character names to help you out…

        Galloway: You get him on the stand and you get it from him!
        Kaffee: We get it from him! Oh! Okay! We get it from him.
        [turns to Sam as if he were Jessup on the stand]
        Kaffee: Colonel Jessup, isn’t it true that you ordered the Code Red on Santiago?
        Lt. Weinberg: Look, we all…
        Kaffee: [interrupts with game-show buzzer sound] eeehhhhh! Time’s up! What do we have for the losers, judge? Well, for our defendants, it’s a life time at exotic Fort Leavenworth! And, for defense counsel Kaffee, that’s right, it’s a court martial! Yes, Johnny! After falsely accusing a highly decorated Marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, Lieutenant Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching… typewriter maintenance at the Rocco Globbo School for Women! Thank you for playing “Should we or should we not listen to the advice of the galactically stupid!”

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