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A Letter from Barack Obama

An email I just received:

From: “Barack Obama” <>
To: “Adam Heath Avitable” <>
Subject: Thank you
Date: Wed, 5 Aug 2009 19:52:51 -0500

Dear Mr. Avitable,

Thank you very much for the lovely package that arrived right in time for my birthday on Tuesday. The letter that came with it was very entertaining and yes, I do think that I could kick the ass of Bill Pullman’s President from “Independence Day”, but not Harrison Ford’s President from “Air Force One”. And no, I have not heard of your blog, but I will check it out when I have some free time.

Sasha and Malia really liked the drawing that you sent, where you were rescuing all of us from some type of zombie infestation, but we had to tell them that you have a tail, and that’s what was hanging between your legs. It would have been more awkward but Vice President Biden has already spoken with them in detail about the birds and the bees.

The tie that you enclosed is superb, and although the press might not react well to the naked boobies that cover it, I’m going to wear it to my next meeting with the Joint Chiefs. They’ll get quite a kick out of it!

It was very considerate of you to include presents for the rest of my family, as well. Michelle was thrilled with the DVD of “Over the Top” because, as you can imagine, she loves arm wrestling movies. The girls loved the video games that you included, although I’ve never heard of this “Leisure Suit Larry”. Ah well, I’m sure that they’ll have a blast!

Finally, I wanted to thank you for the poster-size portrait of you eating a cheeseburger while naked. Originally I wanted to hang it on our bedroom wall, but Michelle said it would distract her too much from our weekly appointed lovemaking sessions. Instead, we’ve decided to place it in one of the hallways of the White House where the tours pass by. That way, everyone can appreciate the quiet majesty of a hairy naked man cramming more unhealthy food in his fat mouth.

Also, I am not in contact with former President George W. Bush; however, if I do run into him, I’ll let him know that you think he’s a douchenozzle, and I will definitely give him a swirly. And to answer the final questions that you asked in your letter – yes, it’s true what they say, 12 inches, she gets a Brazilian, doggy style, Cameron Diaz, and its name is Lil’ Barry.

Thank you again for the wonderful birthday gift, and I’ll try to make it to your Halloween party.

Best friends forever,


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85 Replies to “A Letter from Barack Obama”

  1. perpstu

    Seriously, the best part of this whole letter is picturing Barack saying “naked boobies.” I also love the BBF at the end. It’s good to know you have friends in high places. I’m putting you in my rolodex.

  2. muskrat

    You have got to be, like, the coolest white guy I know. I don’t get shit from the President but a handshake in February 2008 and three sets of deployment orders. And, apparently, those came from a douchenozzle.

      • whall

        @Avitable, you know, that actually might work. Given that W would know that universal health coverage is coming, he might not be so careful any more with things that might injure him. He wouldn’t have to avoid getting an ear infection from the swirly since any malady he might get would be swiftly and expertly taken care of by the taxpayer!

  3. Faiqa

    Seriously? It was his birthday on August 4th?!! See, now this kid in my belly is just starting to piss me off. Obviously, he doesn’t *know* he’s Indian/Paki and that he’s supposed to aim high… otherwise, you know, he would have been born on the same day as the coolest president ever.

  4. SciFi Dad

    So let me get this straight: you won’t enable your gmail address in your blogger profile because you’re afraid internet spiders will collect it, harvest it, and infest your inbox with more viagra offers, yet you’ll put it in plain text in a blog post here?

    Also: why didn’t you ask for proof re: brazilian?

  5. Elisa

    Dude. You are totally on echelon now. Or whatever keeps track of mentions or the President.

    In which case, please let me be the dork waving to the camera, or in this case, the Internet security tracker thingie. *waves, sticks tongue out*

  6. Miss Britt

    You had me right up until the scheduling lovemaking part.

    No way.

    Those two are HOT for each other. I bet they throwdown whenever the mood strikes, which I imagine is often.

    Because, yes, I think about the President of the United States throwing down.

  7. Grant

    I thought I was the only one Obama e-mails. Every day I get stuff from his people and Fred Thomson and a bunch of right-wingers who want me to know that Obama is not an American citizen and is secretly a radical Muslim fundie who wants to change our official foreign policy to “Death to Israel!” But now that I know they talk to you as well, I feel less special.

  8. Sarcastica

    I bet Obama secretly reads your blog under the covers when Michelle isn’t looking. I bet he secretly idolizes you and now he’s going to be like omg we’re totally blood sisters he can read my thoughts hahaha

    P.S. I don’t know what that was about, I blame it on…the lack of McDonalds in my system. mmm mcdonalds…*Drool*

  9. mountainmomma18

    While I would love to tell you that was wicked funny, you are now on the secret service radar, so I will just say….who are you? how did I get here? And why is there now a large picture of some guy eating a cheesburger at the white house?

  10. Poppy

    I really enjoyed reading this in his voice. I don’t think he would close his letter that way. I think he would close it with “vote for my socialist health care plan or DIE, devil!”

    Something like that.

    (I adore Barack and his Star Trek-like ideals.)

  11. Amy B.

    You have topped yourself with this one.

    Funniest thing I’ve read all day.

    I would say funniest thing I’ve read all week, but yesterday, my stone-cold-stupid coworker accidentally copied me on a email telling our boss why he deserves a raise. Dumbfuck.

    But really, this is genius, thank you.

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