An email I just received:
Enjoy this post? Try these:From: “Barack Obama” <bobama@whitehouse.gov>
To: “Adam Heath Avitable” <avitable@gmai1.com>
Subject: Thank you
Date: Wed, 5 Aug 2009 19:52:51 -0500Dear Mr. Avitable,
Thank you very much for the lovely package that arrived right in time for my birthday on Tuesday. The letter that came with it was very entertaining and yes, I do think that I could kick the ass of Bill Pullman’s President from “Independence Day”, but not Harrison Ford’s President from “Air Force One”. And no, I have not heard of your blog, but I will check it out when I have some free time.
Sasha and Malia really liked the drawing that you sent, where you were rescuing all of us from some type of zombie infestation, but we had to tell them that you have a tail, and that’s what was hanging between your legs. It would have been more awkward but Vice President Biden has already spoken with them in detail about the birds and the bees.
The tie that you enclosed is superb, and although the press might not react well to the naked boobies that cover it, I’m going to wear it to my next meeting with the Joint Chiefs. They’ll get quite a kick out of it!
It was very considerate of you to include presents for the rest of my family, as well. Michelle was thrilled with the DVD of “Over the Top” because, as you can imagine, she loves arm wrestling movies. The girls loved the video games that you included, although I’ve never heard of this “Leisure Suit Larry”. Ah well, I’m sure that they’ll have a blast!
Finally, I wanted to thank you for the poster-size portrait of you eating a cheeseburger while naked. Originally I wanted to hang it on our bedroom wall, but Michelle said it would distract her too much from our weekly appointed lovemaking sessions. Instead, we’ve decided to place it in one of the hallways of the White House where the tours pass by. That way, everyone can appreciate the quiet majesty of a hairy naked man cramming more unhealthy food in his fat mouth.
Also, I am not in contact with former President George W. Bush; however, if I do run into him, I’ll let him know that you think he’s a douchenozzle, and I will definitely give him a swirly. And to answer the final questions that you asked in your letter – yes, it’s true what they say, 12 inches, she gets a Brazilian, doggy style, Cameron Diaz, and its name is Lil’ Barry.
Thank you again for the wonderful birthday gift, and I’ll try to make it to your Halloween party.
Best friends forever,
Barack.
World Leaders Review Obama’s Performance
Wikileaks.org – your source for state secrets
Twitter: perpstu
says:
Seriously, the best part of this whole letter is picturing Barack saying “naked boobies.” I also love the BBF at the end. It’s good to know you have friends in high places. I’m putting you in my rolodex.
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@perpstu, I can totally see him saying “naked boobies” unlike W, who we all know would say “ta-tas” and then guffaw.
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Twitter: redlotusmama
says:
*snort*
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@Red Lotus Mama, I’ll see your snort and raise you a chuckle.
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at least he could have called it “big barry.”
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@gorillabuns, yeah, but wouldn’t that imply that it’s somehow bigger than he is?
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
there is one sentence in there that i hate hate hate. really a lot.
otherwise this is totally hilarious! can’t wait to see Obs at Avitaween!
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Twitter: _scifidad_
, August 6th, 2009: 7:43 AM
@Karen Sugarpants, why do you hate Over The Top so much?
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@Karen Sugarpants, I know there is. Sorry.
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Mental images are now swirling around in my brain that may scar me for the duration of this damn presidency.
Dude. I’d kick you in the shins if I could.
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@Redneck Mommy, I’ll kick myself for you.
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Twitter: kimt205
says:
Can you take care of this pesty little probate thing I got going??
Your “touch” seems to reach out !! LOL !!!
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@kim, silly girl, only men have probates.
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Don’t the FBI or some Americus-police-type-shit keep track of stuffs like this?
Also. I double dog DARE YOU to send a naked boobie tie to the president. For REAL
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@bluepaintred, if you can find me a good naked boobie tie, I’d totally send it to him.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
You have got to be, like, the coolest white guy I know. I don’t get shit from the President but a handshake in February 2008 and three sets of deployment orders. And, apparently, those came from a douchenozzle.
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@muskrat, apparently? I would say pretty definitely.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
More to-be-broken promises. Like Dr Chicago could give any Texan (honorary or not) a swirly.
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@whall, he’d just have to tell W that he could hear the ocean if he puts his ear in the toilet and W would just swirly himself.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
, August 10th, 2009: 10:54 AM
@Avitable, you know, that actually might work. Given that W would know that universal health coverage is coming, he might not be so careful any more with things that might injure him. He wouldn’t have to avoid getting an ear infection from the swirly since any malady he might get would be swiftly and expertly taken care of by the taxpayer!
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@whall, he’s been getting taken care of by the taxpayers since he was a child, so why would this be any different?
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…love this!
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@Kelly, thanks.
`
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Seriously? It was his birthday on August 4th?!! See, now this kid in my belly is just starting to piss me off. Obviously, he doesn’t *know* he’s Indian/Paki and that he’s supposed to aim high… otherwise, you know, he would have been born on the same day as the coolest president ever.
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@Faiqa, I can’t wait to meet little Y. Barack Khan!
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wow is that real?
thats great! good wit and humour avitable!
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@ed, totally, 100% real. Oh wait. No, it’s not real in the slightest.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
if he comes to your halloween party, with all his secret service and all, am i still invited?
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@hello haha narf, yes, but you can’t run up and hug him, okay?
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
, August 10th, 2009: 10:01 AM
@Avitable,
no hugs…check. but can i grab him by those ears, pull his head to my boobies, shimmy in his face and call him a motorboatin son of a bitch?
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@hello haha narf, yes, please do!
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
Over the Top? NICE! I can totally see Michelle kicking Stallone’s ass!
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@kapgar, she totally would have been able to before he bulked up for the last Rambo film.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
So let me get this straight: you won’t enable your gmail address in your blogger profile because you’re afraid internet spiders will collect it, harvest it, and infest your inbox with more viagra offers, yet you’ll put it in plain text in a blog post here?
Also: why didn’t you ask for proof re: brazilian?
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@SciFi Dad, good point – I changed it when I saw your comment. And I don’t find her to be the slightest bit attractive, so that would just scar me for life.
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Dude. You are totally on echelon now. Or whatever keeps track of mentions or the President.
In which case, please let me be the dork waving to the camera, or in this case, the Internet security tracker thingie. *waves, sticks tongue out*
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@Elisa, but all I did was send him presents!
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Wow. The Prez has to make weekly appointments with his wife, too.
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@always home and uncool, well, Michelle is a very busy, important woman!
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I’d almost forgotten all about Leisure Suit Larry.
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@Nobody™, I could never forget the game that taught me about the birds and the bees.
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L’il Barry! Hahahahahahaha!
Well done, Avitable.
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@Sybil Law, wasn’t me – the President’s the one who wrote the letter!
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So they DO schedule their lovemaking… I bet they have an agenda to make sure all the bases are covered.
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Twitter: Whatsananna
, August 6th, 2009: 11:21 AM
@Badass Geek, it would be a good thing if more men had agendas, then
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@Badass Geek, you mean you don’t make an agenda that tells you how long to spend on each body part?
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
You had me right up until the scheduling lovemaking part.
No way.
Those two are HOT for each other. I bet they throwdown whenever the mood strikes, which I imagine is often.
Because, yes, I think about the President of the United States throwing down.
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@Miss Britt, they’re two lawyers. They totally schedule it. Pencil it in.
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Agreed with perpstu – the BFF part at the end really made the letter
xo
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@Princess of the Universe, well, it’s true!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
When I first read that last line I thought it was “she gets a Brazilian doggy style” and I thought, that’s new.
I need more coffee.
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@Finn, it’s a new technique. Gives you something to grip onto as they rip the hair out.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I knew Michelle when hairless down there. I just knew it.
But that has to be an uncomfortable trip to the salon. I wonder if Secret Service needs to be in the room. Yowch!
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@B.E. Earl, somehow it sounds so wrong when YOU say it.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I kind of thought that Barack and Michelle go on joy rides on Air Force One just to get busy on it. You know they’ve gotten it on in the back of that sweet limo. And Marine One.
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@Jay, two lawyers with two young kids? I bet they enjoy the luxury of Air Force One and sleep really well. And that’s about it.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Oh BTW, this was hilarious.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Am I the only person who shudders at the thought of them getting it on in the oval office? Because, um, ew! And I guess I’m also the only person who doesn’t think that they are both gorgeous people. Especially Michelle. She looks like a gargoyle. ::vomir::
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I don’t think she looks like a gargoyle, but I don’t think she’s beautiful, either.
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Twitter: Whatsananna
says:
I LOVE that you are smart enough to do this. *sigh*
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@Nanna, I think you meant “smart-ass enough”.
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I thought I was the only one Obama e-mails. Every day I get stuff from his people and Fred Thomson and a bunch of right-wingers who want me to know that Obama is not an American citizen and is secretly a radical Muslim fundie who wants to change our official foreign policy to “Death to Israel!” But now that I know they talk to you as well, I feel less special.
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@Grant, and it’s all a huge conspiracy, too. Next year he’s going to reveal himself as Cobra Commander or something.
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Twitter: Barking_Mad
says:
“Douchenozzle”…must figure out a way to work that into a sentence today.
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@Audrey at Barking Mad, it’s a favorite of mine.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
Someone please, PLEASE tell me Obama gets to see this.
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@lceel, I’ll forward it to him through the White House blog.
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I bet Obama secretly reads your blog under the covers when Michelle isn’t looking. I bet he secretly idolizes you and now he’s going to be like omg we’re totally blood sisters he can read my thoughts hahaha
P.S. I don’t know what that was about, I blame it on…the lack of McDonalds in my system. mmm mcdonalds…*Drool*
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@Sarcastica, hahahaha! Best comment ever!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
You should send him a BFF heart necklace. He can have the other half. That would be too cool!
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@Robin, ooh, genius idea. I’ll do that!
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While I would love to tell you that was wicked funny, you are now on the secret service radar, so I will just say….who are you? how did I get here? And why is there now a large picture of some guy eating a cheesburger at the white house?
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@mountainmomma18, Obama doesn’t put his BFFs on the Secret Service’s radar!
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Just found your blog today and wanted to comment so I am not banished to the “jerk” section. You are funny as hell man!!!!
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@Trina, thanks. You get to remain jerk-free!
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Freakin’ hysterical! Totally love it and now have snorted much too loudly in my office so coworkers may be coming by to wonder if I have had some sort of attack or am choking. Or perhaps not…
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@Tabitha Dunn, just tell them you’re having a Barack Attack.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I really enjoyed reading this in his voice. I don’t think he would close his letter that way. I think he would close it with “vote for my socialist health care plan or DIE, devil!”
Something like that.
(I adore Barack and his Star Trek-like ideals.)
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@Poppy, he’d actually say “white devil”.
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You have topped yourself with this one.
Funniest thing I’ve read all day.
I would say funniest thing I’ve read all week, but yesterday, my stone-cold-stupid coworker accidentally copied me on a email telling our boss why he deserves a raise. Dumbfuck.
But really, this is genius, thank you.
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@Amy B., so it’s the funniest non-accidental thing you read last week, right?
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At least a fellow Leo knows that Harrison Ford kicks ass playing the president.
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@martymankins, hell yeah he does!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Sorry. But Paul Giamatti as John Adams kicks Harrison Ford’s and Barack Obama’s asses EVERY time.
Ahem.
And, wait, a swirly for W? Don’t waste his time, dude. He should totally put a flaming bag of poo on Putin’s doorstep.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, Paul Giamatti is a pussy.
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