The Day That Twitter Died

On Thursday, August 6th, 2009, from 9:04 AM until 11:42 AM Eastern Standard Time, the largest social networking site in the world, Twitter, experienced an outage that prevented its millions of users from reaching its servers.

In that short period of time, in less than three hours, tragedy struck. Mobs gnashed their teeth and rioted until order could be restored. There were tears and there was anger. Bargains with the devil were struck and pleas to heaven could be heard worldwide.

In those one hundred and fifty six crucial minutes . . .

. . . 1,400,329 people had nobody to which they could tell “Good morning, all!”

. . . 98,603 people missed a chance to share something cute their child just did.

. . . 116 people cried for attention with a fake claim of suicide, but nobody could hear them, so they decided life was worth living.

. . . 845,033 people tried to send a message asking if Twitter was broken.

. . . 77,136 people were unable to get any feedback on whether they should have pancakes or a breakfast burrito.

. . . 100,009 people had to rant silently about someone stupid standing in front of them in line.

. . . 26,784 people had to actually concentrate on driving.

. . . 1,000 people weren’t able to share the experience of the oral sex they were receiving at that exact moment and had to actually enjoy the experience instead.

. . . 2,948,303 people took a photo that they couldn’t share, and they took this time to realize that it was a mundane photo that nobody would have actually cared about anyway.

. . . 41,377 people picked up a book.

. . . 42,480 people picked up a crack pipe.

. . . 19 personal assistants to celebrities breathed a sigh of relief that they were unable to share their employers’ inane statements with the Internet.

. . . 82,256 self-titled social media experts contemplated suicide because if they couldn’t market through Twitter their whole business plan was defunct.

. . . 4,000 of them actually went through with it.

. . . 13,144 people were listening to music but had nobody to tell about it.

. . . 108,036 people had to use instant messenger programs to hold private conversations

. . . 3,499,102 people had no way for people to find out about their new blog posts, well, except through feedreaders.

. . . 220,876 people didn’t get paid for their obnoxious sponsored tweets

. . . 18,331,578 people called up a friend and told them what someone on TV said because they had a compelling urge to retweet something, anything, no matter how mundane.

. . . 144 people didn’t even notice, but they felt a burden lift from their shoulders.

. . . 1 person took that time to write a not-really-that-witty post about what people did when Twitter was down.

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122 Replies to “The Day That Twitter Died”

  1. kim

    I got a bunch of stuff accomplished at my house !! Finally !! I figured out how to use a pressure washer and and edger all by myself !! Yay me !

    But I must digress, I am guilty of #1. And sick and tired of #2 !!

    Twitter should break more often. I would get so much more done.

  2. Amanda

    Man I’m glad I was at work where I don’t have access to twitter so I didn’t have to experience this tragedy. I noticed more people picked up their crack pipes than a book, which seems accurate.

  3. harmzie

    I thought I’d get lyrics to a song to the tune of “American Pie”, but reading these statistics to that tune is *very* difficult. Instead I am now stuck with an “American Pie” earworm. It’s going to be stuck to me all night. I hope you’re happy.

  4. MB

    1 person (me) didn’t really care ’cause I never got sucked into the tweeting/facebook insanity. I imagine work production was way up during those 156 minutes. I am happy that all the tweeting/facebook junkies got their fix restored. Hard to believe we only had a rotary telephone and letter writing to communicate with only a few short decades ago, huh?

  5. thepsychobabble

    I was doing what I always do, pulling my son down off the counter, table, tv and walls while answering, “Mom, Why….?” from the other one. And explaining to the largest that he’s a grown ass man, I’m busy, if he wants breakfast MAKE IT! (seriously, every day…)

    All of that, of course, explains why I broke out the crack pipe.

  6. Ren

    Reminded me of those Sprint (Pre?) commercials. Those have just about ruined the comedy of these numeric lists for me. πŸ™

    Someone must have an American Pie lyrics version of this somewhere… @whall?

  7. mountainmomma18

    i am actually glad it was twitter, I thought my brand new iphone was broken and was starting to get upset that I would have to take the damn thing back. I was feeling really stabby about the whole thing, then not so stabby when I realized it was not my phone.

  8. Audrey at Barking Mad

    I was forced to do laundry and actually go downstairs and speak with my oldest daughter rather than tweeting her. At least when we’re tweeting I am not hit in the face with the realization that it smelled like my daughter had just brushed her teeth with garlic.

  9. Toni

    One person remembered friend feed and got a partial high so withdrawal symptoms were minimal . OH and plurk (or plucked or whatever it is called) too and got mad karma points for plurking their heart out.

    The day that twitter died, so did half the internet world…and what was better the next day thousands of blogs went down due to McLinky, it was the Social Media Recession. I wondered how quickly Social Media would follow in the steps of our crappy economy. Thanks for another daily laugh πŸ™‚

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