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Movie Reviews (Spoiler Free): GI Joe and Julie & Julia

Friday, I saw two movies. In the morning, I took all of my employees out to the theater like I do almost every Friday. We saw “G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra”. In the evening, Amy and I ventured downtown to a new theater called the Plaza Cinema Cafe where we sat at one of the indoor bars, ordered food and drinks, and then watched “Julie and Julia”. It’s 10 PM on Friday night as I write this, and I’m fucking movied out.

Review #1: G.I. Joe – The Rise of Cobra

Did you ever play with action figures and make them smash into each other while saying “PEW PEW PEW KRRSHHBOOM” and come up with ludicrous scenarios that involved your couch being an arctic base and under the couch being the ocean and there were subs and planes and shooting and explosions and faulty logic but it was oh so much fun because you were in the moment? That’s what this movie is. And let me tell you, I fucking hate director and writer Stephen Sommers. Almost every movie he’s directed (Van Helsing, The Mummy, & The Mummy Returns) has been a huge stinking pile of shit. He’s taken concepts that could have been so amazing and managed to turdify them until they’re unrecognizable fecal failures. For some reason, though, it finally works here. Maybe the writers are better, although there’s plenty of horrible dialogue, unnecessary exposition, and throwaway lines. Maybe he’s matured as a director, although his use of the flashback fade is about as amateurish as Mic Night at the local coffee house. I think he just found a property that even he couldn’t fuck up. It was cheesy and it was stupid as all hell, but it was fun, and I enjoyed watching it.

Review #2: Julie & Julia

Have I ever mentioned that I hate Meryl Streep? She’s hideous to me, and I want her to die in a horrible car wreck that also claims the lives of Kyra Sedgwick and Glenn Close. Well, she’s in this movie, but she manages to assume the role of Julia Child so well that I was able to keep my gorge from rising too much. The movie is based on a biography of Julia Child and a book by Julie Powell, which was in turn based on her blog. I’ve never heard of the book or her blog, and from what I saw in the movie, I wouldn’t have had any interest in it, either. The movie was mildly entertaining, but dragged a bit too long and didn’t really seem to have much of a point. I can see why people will enjoy it, but it’s not exactly to my taste. See what I did there? It’s a movie about cooking and I said taste! Ha!

Next Movie Friday is “District 9” and I’m not quite sure what to expect. On the negative side, it’s produced by Peter Jackson, and he is an abominable hack with some of the worst taste I’ve ever seen (not to mention none of his movies have been any good since Frighteners). Also on the negative side, the director and writer, Neill Blomkamp, has absolutely no real credits to his name, so this is his first real endeavor. On the positive side, the previews do look cool. And everyone knows the previews never lie.

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45 Replies to “Movie Reviews (Spoiler Free): GI Joe and Julie & Julia”

  1. Amanda

    1. I think GI Joe looks stupid and I’m not going to see it (thankfully mike doesn’t want to see it either)
    2. I too dislike Meryl Streep, Kyra Sedgwick, and Glen Close.
    3. I think District 9 looks pretty awesome

  2. BusyDad

    Thanks for this. I was planning on seeing both. GI Joe because I had no friends growing up and GI Joe action figures didn’t call me funny Chinese names, so I owe the franchise. And Julie and Julia because throw Amy Adams up on anything and I will stare at it until I have to feed my kid.

  3. CP

    if GI Joe would capture those three and place them in District 9…that would be a movie worth watching.

    Want to really see a load of horseshit?

    Go see “Orphan” and then beg for those two hours of your life back.

  4. Badass Geek

    I dislike Meryl Streep, too. I had to suffer through “Mama Mia” on a bus ride once… That movie was horrible.

    I’m a little worried about “District 9”, for the same reasons as you mentioned. I’ll still go see it, though. I’m curious enough.

  5. Maria

    You sound like a cool boss.

    The animated GI Joe movie was one of my absolute favorite movies growing up. I’m pretty sure I watched it about 300 times. I was a much bigger GI Joe fan than Transformers fan so I’m scared this movie will just make me want to beat my head against things. Not that the source material was Shakespeare or anything.

    I guess I’ll check it out on DVD based on this review though.

    I don’t like Meryl Streep either. She has weird, pasty pancake face.

  6. mountainmomma18

    Wow we so do not have the same taste in movies, but I’m a sucker for anything big and pretty and the more explosions the better (in movie viewing I turn into a 15 year old boy). I still want to see Julie/Julia- I read the books and enjoyed them-

  7. Hockeyman

    District 9 looks great, how about we all go see it together? As for GI Joe I have had reservations. I loved it as a kid but I’m nervous for the movie. Looks silly. I’m not a big Meryl fan either so I’ll pass on the J&J unless it comes from TooJays.

  8. Poppy

    We saw GI Joe last night unexpectedly. It was very action-packed and I have no idea why everyone thought it was going to suck because it totally didn’t. The only part that sucked is that it dragged for 15 minutes near the end.

  9. perpstu

    PEW PEW PEW KRRSHHBOOM! We’re going to see GI Joe today and I fully expect it to be craptacular fun. Channing Tatum can barely manage to string two words together so I will be grateful if there is a lack of dialogue.

    BTW, Van Helsing – worst movie EVER and I watch it every time it’s on TNT. I can’t stop, I think it’s some sort of mental defect.

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