Ode to that guy riding a scooter:
Powder blue scooter
puttering through traffic
40 mph just out of reach
Buddy, does your mother know
that you’re gay?
Ode to my client who is a moron:
Oh client, my client
Your brain is surely dead
I’ve gnashed my teeth
I’ve rolled my eyes
Yet empty is your head
Listen to my words
Open your wallet
And give me all your bread
Ode to the person working the drive-through window at McDonald’s:
Enriching the world
One french fry at a time
A perfect melody
of salt, fat, and potato
(just add mayo)
Ode to my grandfather
It’s all relative
Pet peeves
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
these remind me of some works i read in “leaves of grass,” minus the walt whitman.
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@muskrat, plus Tom Green?
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ewwwww. mayo on fries is nasty. I like to use the McNugget sauce. First I dip it in sweet and sour, then in barbecue.
NOMNOMNOM
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@bluepaintred, mayo goes well on everything!
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First off, I agree with bluepaintred: Anyone who puts mayo on fries prolly also kills puppies and beats up special needs children in his spare time.
Secondly, I submit that it’s prolly safe to assume that a grown man riding a scooter is gay regardless of the scooter’s color. The fact that he owns the scooter is a red flag in and of itself. I mean, what color could a man’s scooter be that would make you think he’s NOT gay? What color would be masculine enough to not call his sexuality into question? For me, all scooter colors are equal. All my male friends who own scooters are gay, irrespective of the paint color.
I’m not trying to nitpick here, I’m just deconstructing your art…and calling you a scooter racist. There. I said it.
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@Deontologist,
Mayo on fries + riding a scooter = The Dutch. Few kill puppies, and not all of them are gay. So there.
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@headbang8, I know for a fact that all Dutch people kill puppies. It’s a tradition. In Sweden, it’s kittens. Google it (no, don’t google it).
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@Deontologist, I am a closet vehicularist, it’s true. Why can’t the Jags and BMWs just go home?
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Are you trying to start a blog war with Banal Leakage?
That last “Ode to the person working the drive-through window at McDonald’s” was good right up until the last line when it transcended into sheer genius. Bravo Mr. Avitable. Bravo.
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@Dave2, If he is, it’s going to be Game On very quickly.
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@Dave2, oh, I thought he did Shooter Sundays! Whoops.
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Twitter: HeadlessMom
says:
Dood. Mayo? We need to have a serious food discussion. Mayo does not belong on fries. No peanut butter and chocolate.
Any questions?
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
, August 13th, 2009: 11:22 AM
@Headless Mom, McD fries are the BEST!!! Mayo is just yuck. I’m a Mircale Whip girl.
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Twitter: HeadlessMom
, August 13th, 2009: 11:36 AM
@GrandeMocha, You’re right about the fries, but with mayo? Adam (and all you others!) need to get with the program.
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@Headless Mom, mayo or milkshake – two things that belong on fries.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Mayo is good on fries.
Mayo mixed with a little vinegar is GREAT on fries!
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@B.E. Earl,
Vinegar alone, with lots of salt, is great on fries.
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@B.E. Earl, I’ll have to try that mayo/vinegar mix.
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Good thing my scooter is a darker blue and white. You are talking about someone else, right? In Florida? That you saw today?
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@martymankins, yes, that was about someone here. And dark blue is about as manly as a scooter can get. Which isn’t saying a lot, but still.
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wow thats like one of shakespeare’s sonets!
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@sudobeer, yeah, Bob Shakespeare. Bill’s younger stupider brother.
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Twitter: yknot
says:
It’s like- Robert Frost, on Ludes…
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@yknot, but Robert Frost is Robert Frost on Ludes!
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
Mayo on fries? That’s Dutch, or French. And just icky. But ranch dressing on fries = WIN.
Scooter guy could just be a UNC-lovin’ metrosexual. Go Heels!
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@Robin, ranch dressing is good on fries, but mayo really makes it amazing.
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I always assume that grown men on scooters have lost their drivers licenses due to repeated DUIs. Never considered homosexuality as an option… I have so much to learn about gay culture.
Mayo rocks on fries, and I’m not even Canadian.
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@Amy, grown men on bicycles lost their licenses. You still need a license for a scooter. I think.
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Hahaha
Mayo on fries?!! ICK.
I also thought you were starting crap with Marty! But realized you probably weren’t.
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@Sybil Law, do I, of all people, ever seem the type to instigate anything??? Heh.
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I weep, Sir. I weep in the presence your excellence.
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@Badass Geek, just as long you don’t poop in the presence of my excellence.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
wonder what would happen if i read your ode to a moron to one or two of our customers.
hmmmmm.
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@hello haha narf, they wouldn’t understand, no matter how much you hammer it into their peabrained heads!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
oh! i forgot to say that i fucking LOVE mayo on fries. a chef taught me that heavenly trick when i was maybe 19 or 20 and i haven’t looked back.
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Twitter: Whatsananna
says:
Oh thenk God! Mayo is the preferred condiment for fried. Ranch is a Johnny come lately (although good – just not authentic).
And me, I tend to think that guys on scooters are like tree hugger people. Or just able to laugh at themselves.
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@Nanna, they definitely have to be confident, riding one of those little things!
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Mayo? You eat your fries with mayo? I thought only my dad did that.
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@Elisa, your dad is obviously a wise man.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
I wish you’d been writing these when I worked at McDonald’s. It would have been a refreshing change. Have you ever mixed the mayo with ketchup? Perfect on Chik-Fil-A waffle fries; I think McDonald’s fries are perfect as is, without anything but the perfect amount of salt.
Now I’m hungry.
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@Finn, LOVE mixing mayo and ketchup! Especially for Chik-Fil-A fries!!!!!!
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@Finn, yeah, Chick Fil A waffle fries need mayo and ketchup, unless they’re really hot and fresh. Then they just melt in your mouth.
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Twitter: Barking_Mad
says:
Had mayo on fries the first time I was in Belgium. Was the last time. Well, the last time I had mayo on fries. Belgium on the other hand? I have a standing affair with Brugges every year – hot and steamy, hold the mayo!
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@Audrey at Barking Mad, mayo on Belgians is almost as good as mayo on fries.
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Can you still eat things like fries with mayo or anything from McDonald’s?
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@Grant, yeah, but only like 6 of them.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I would like to get a scooter, but I don’t want to look gay. So maybe if I put a lift kit on it and HUGE tires and then paint flames on the sides I would look manly enough while riding around? Oh and I’ll wear leather chaps like Harley riders do. That should work.
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@Jay, I say the chaps, but ONLY the chaps.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Mayo on fries? That’s crazy! Everyone knows the best dipping stuff for McDonald’s fries is a vanilla shake! NOM NOM NOM
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@perpstu, I love dipping fries in a Frosty.
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I may have to recite the client one to a few select doctors that I work with.
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@Becky, you could just slip it in with their bill.
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Oh tap shoes and jelly beans
Beacons of commenting greatness
No mayo needed when my tendency leans
Towards having nothing else to say.
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@Hilly, tap shoes and jellybeans indeed.
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Dude my husband does not appreciate your ode to him, he is totally not gay and would tell you this himself but he and his friend Randy are going camping for the weekend.
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@mountainmomma18, does he really drive a scooter?
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Mmm mayo on fries. Wendy’s doesn’t have mayo in packets so they actually give me a scoop of it in a kids frosty cup. That makes dipping all the more easier!
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@Miss, ok, that sounds a bit nasty.
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I dip my fries in mayo and challenge anyone that likes potato salad to then say it is gross. I rest my case!
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@Special K, exactly!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Aaaaaaaaand, I just deleted my comment so I don’t get fired. bye.
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@Poppy, now I want to know what you said!
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Twitter: poppycede
, August 17th, 2009: 6:20 PM
@Avitable, me too. Now I don’t remember.
L for oLd held up to my forehead.
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I’m gay but I have no scooter. I’m such a failure as a proud gay man.
What am I to do? I guess I’ll just throw myself off the bridge.
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@Darryl, just do it fabulously.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
What the fuck?! Mayo on your fries? You and Ty-man are freaks, freaks I tell you, of nature! Poetry my ass. Mayo on your fries is a travesty.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, if only mayo on fries was politics!
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
I can’t do hot mayo. At all. The boy mixes ketchup and mayo for his fries and even that skeeves me out.
Scooters? Now those I like.
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@floating princess, you obviously have your priorities alllll out of whack!
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Mmm. I love mayo on my fries. I just don’t get the haters!
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@Kelly, me either. They’re messing out.
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Twitter: laurenacarlton
says:
Your poetry keeps me alive.
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@Lauren, and my prose makes you wet?
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Ode to bearded commenter with hawaiian shirt avatar
Why must you always copy?
You engage
Enrage
You take what a blogger does
and attempt to make it your own.
The Me-tooism.
The xeroxicity;
Your comments are like a fax:
remote;
grainy;
Almost recognizable;
A shabby copy.
Your delusion at efficacy is sad.
Pity I have for your attempts.
About the only satisfactory
quality
you possess is the shared trait
of liking mayo.
With fries.
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@whall, as long as we share that.
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MMMM mayo and McDonalds fries…sooooo good
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@Sarcastica, I knew I liked you!
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Don’t you know that the bad guys always lose? Reap the whirlwind.
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@The Messenger, very poetic. Cryptic, but poetic.
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Thanks for the infos! Your article really assisted me.
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