Mother Truckers

“I hereby call this meeting of the Society of Hateful American Truckers to order.”

“Hear hear!”

“For our first order of business, I turn to my esteemed colleague from the Southeastern District, Mr. Devil Rig.”

“Thank you, Chairman Rough Dawg. Our first order of business is one Adam Heath Avitable.”

(grumble grumble general malaise grumble)

“Yes, yes. We’ve all been subject to his constant harassment. And now it’s time to do something about it.”

“But what?”

“Good question, Mr. Lady Killer. Since all attempts to eliminate him completely have been thwarted by his secret ninja skills, our only course of action is to frustrate him on the road until he either willingly drives head-on into a concrete pylon or, gives up driving altogether.”

“Gives up driving?” (said all together)

“Yes. We will make him rue the day that he harassed any member of S.H.A.T. It’s a three step process, that we’ll just call A, B, C.”

“The first step is Aggravation. Whenever you see this bastard barreling up the interstate at 90 mph in the fast lane, make sure to get right over in front of him, even if the car you’re trying to pass is hundreds of yards ahead of you. Stay in the lane in front of him for as long as you can. If he attempts to get over in the right lane to pass you, that would be an appropriate time to either speed up just enough to prevent him from getting by or moving over to step 2.”

“But how will we know who he is?”

“Oh, that’s simple. The egotistical fucker has his own name as his license plate. Piece of cake. Now, on to step 2: Boxing. If you are able to get him in the middle lane of the interstate, take this time to coordinate a boxed attack, with one vehicle in front of him, one on either side, and one behind, all moving at the exact same speed so that he is unable to escape.”

“What if he puts his turn signal on or slows down dramatically?”

“It doesn’t matter. Continue keeping him boxed in until one of you reaches your destination, whether it’s five miles down the road or five thousand. And that brings me to step 3: Coordination. Since he’s a wily bastard, he’ll figure out pretty quickly how to get past you at a high rate of speed. By carefully coordinating via CB with all trucks on the road, we can make sure that every single one of us is able to set up a roadblock or trap for him. The ultimate goal is to make sure that he is completely and utterly unable to drive any distance without being blocked, slowed down, or otherwise impeded by our efforts. To his eyes, it will appear as if truckers are a bunch of incompetent jackasses with less driving ability than Miss Daisy. That we are ignorant and oblivious to the rules of the road. That we are complete and utter fuckheads who can barely stay in our lane and shouldn’t be allowed on the roads. That’s what he’ll think. Any questions?”

“For the truck who finally convinces him to commit vehicular suicide, what do we get?”

“We’ve collected a pool among S.H.A.T. members, and so the person responsible for our riddance of this nuisance will receive a year’s supply of beef jerky, four cases of SKOAL, and a certificate good for one free hand job with any of the rest stop hookers who belong to the Society of Youngish Prostitutes Helping to Iducate Ladies In Service.”

“Thank you, Mr. Rig. As Chairman, I declare this meeting adjourned.”

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57 Replies to “Mother Truckers”

  1. whall

    This is probably my favorite post. Because most people don’t realize that your self-employment business is, in fact, that you’re a trucker. You invented this amazing Navitron Autodrive system and re-created your living room inside of the cabin of a luxury 18-wheeler so that you can do vlogs and blog reading while you work. Nobody comments on blogs and writes blog posts as much as you, and you can get away with it because this computer thing drives the truck for you.

    Hold on a second, someone’s at the door. Who could it be at this hour? BRB.

  2. Clown

    Luckily S.H.A.T seems to stay away from me, save for my annual drives to Illinois. I’ve seen 1 and 2 happen to you but I think 3 is where your paranoia kicks in… Just like I think people drive worse on purpose when I am around, and how some fuckers only act up in theatres when I’m there.

    That prize pack though… Shit. I may have to become a member just so I have the chance to grab that up! I’m a SKOAL man!

  3. cris

    maybe we should be pissed off at trains for costing so much companies have to use more trucks, more fuel, more space, and tear up the highways which costs more taxes to repair. Then again, that would result in more trucks used locally to transport between the train stations and the place of business. That means you are a victim of a consumer nation dude! I believe you have been consummated!

  4. Grant

    I’ve heard there are many signs advertising all-Asian massage parlors along I-75 going into Florida. If the handjob coupon is good at one of those, I may have to get in on this action. I think I’ll rent a truck and start ramming Escalades off the road. (I’m assuming Cadillac finally came through for you)

  5. B.E. Earl

    East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’.
    A’they gonna do what they say can’t be done.
    They got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
    They’re east bound just watch Av-bandit run.

  6. jordie

    I agree with Miss Britt, your ego skyrocketed and somehow plummeted back to earth, diving deep into the crusts and fossils, penetrated the earths core and then continued through another department of dirt, filth and age, to come out into space and stay there forever.
    Above all humans, obviously, and their ridiculous truck drivers.

  7. Sarcastica

    You drive a Hyundai? So do I! When its not in the shop of course. But I totally expected you to drive a Hummer or something lol!

    I say you should start your own society against truckers and how to tick THEM off haaha, next post or one in the near future should be about how you pissed a trucker off in response! Perhaps by escaping their box plan 😉

  8. Sybil Law

    I just thought, yeah -he couldn’t very well have AA as his license plate, seeing how that’s associated with Alcoholics Anonymous. AHA might be a good one for the SHAT people, though!
    I swear, I was once boxed on by 4 truckers on the road and I literally thought they were doing it on purpose. They had to be! Otherwise, WTF?!
    You drive a Hyundai?!!!

  9. Jay

    Maybe you should get a CB radio in your car. That way you can talk to the truckers out on the road and make them your friend. And then you can meet up with them at truck stops and rest areas and get to know one another. It’s kid of like blogging that way.

  10. HoosierGirl

    Okay, you know I’m going to disagree with a lot of this because I know the other side of the story. Believe me, they have just as many stories about “four wheelers” (car drivers). To be fair, my truck-driving lover will be the first to admit that there are as many idiots behind the wheel of a semi as there are behind the wheel of a car.

    Just remember this: most cities have lane restrictions and speed restrictions on semi-trucks as well as the restrictions related to the weight of the load. Most of my significant other’s trucker friends are hard-working guys who do NOT have luxury cabins, stay far away from “lot lizards”, and just want a shower, some hot coffee, and a decent night’s sleep from a truck stop.

    Having said all that…..I dare you to get a CB and try to “make friends”. It would make for an interesting accident report. 😀

    J.

    • Avitable

      @HoosierGirl, I agree with Steve – 90% of all drivers are fucking idiots, truckers or car drivers. I have no problem with trucks keeping it below a speed limit as long as they stay out of the passing lane.

  11. Miss Grace

    Unrelated to this in Everything But Title: You know those Mexican Jesus candles? The ones in the glass with the picture of the saints or whatever? I used to have one with some Mexican Jesus Symbolism on one side and on the other, simply: MOTHER TRUCKERS. I got it from a Korean dude in this weird sweatshop part of L.A. when I got lost in the middle of the night.

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