Me: So is it true?
RN: Is what true?
Me: That you’re the Prince of Darkness?
RN: Well, that was just an affectionate nickname given to me by an old friend. I even used it as my book title.
Me: So you admit it? You’re Satan?
RN: No, not at all. First of all, no horns.
Me: Maybe you’ve had them sawed off.
RN: Secondly, no tail.
Me: I don’t know that. You’re sitting down.
RN: Finally, wouldn’t I look like a devil – be all red and fiery or something?
Me: Aha! You ARE the devil – that’s exactly what he would say to fool me!
RN: Young man, I’m getting a bit offended by your tone. I am a God-fearing Catholic man, and this notion that I am somehow an incarnation of Lucifer himself is insulting and blasphemous.
Me: Okay, let’s try another tack. How would you describe Satan?
RN: How would I describe him? Well, the Prince of Lies. The great deceiver. Twisting facts, distorting reality, and turning man against man.
Me: So would you say that a person who presents him- or herself one way but is in reality completely different would be a pretty damn good deceiver?
Me: And would you say that a person who selectively discusses facts to fit his or her political agenda, inciting a flame of partisanship, would be twisting facts?
Me: And yet, as a very conservative political commentator who was in fact a registered Democrat who inflated stories and ignored the objective truth to stir up controversy, you don’t think you meet those definitions to a “T”?
RN: Of course not, and I resent your line of questioning. If you actually did your research, you might have discovered that many Republicans actually had a problem with some of my views, as well.
Me: So you admit that you deceive everyone then?
RN: Wha- No!
Me: Okay, different approach. Do you remember your old Democratic nemesis?
RN: James Carville?
Me: Yup. And his initials are?
RN: Oh, give me a fucking break. I am not Satan!
Me: You sowed chaos by outing Valerie Plame along with many of her CIA colleagues. You’re a Jewish man who supports Palestine over Israel. You lied about your political leanings in order to drive man against man. Your own friends call you the Prince of Darkness, and your nemesis was JC. How can you look at these facts and deny the truth?
RN: This sham of an interview is over.
Me: But, Bobby, don’t dodge the ques-
RN: (turns, faces me, eyes glowing red, while fire circles him like a halo and growls gutturally) I SAID IT’S OVER.
Me: (my shorts turn dark from urine) *gulp* Okay. Um, thanks for the interview?
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