With so much disinformation out there about President Obama’s plan to reform the current health care system in America, I thought it was important to help clear the air. Much like I did when the swine flu hysteria hit the world, I’ve decided to take some important questions about the topic of health care reform, asked by Americans of President Barack Obama, and answer them in layman’s terms:
Q: If this health care reform is so great, why did Congress vote to exempt themselves from said reform?
A: This is a myth. Congress has never voted to exempt themselves from any legislature that was foisted upon the unsuspecting American public. Except for income taxes, mandatory retirement, no parking in handicapped spots, Ticketmaster processing fees, mandatory gratuities of parties of six or more, removal of those tags from the underneath of mattresses, no sex in the champagne room, and health care reform.
Q: Are illegal immigrants covered under the plan?
A: Yes. And not only are they covered, but they get a super secret plan that will get them in to see doctors faster than you, plus they’ll take the jobs of good hardworking Americans too.
Q: Won’t government involvement in health care limit choices for the public?
A: Don’t you think we have too many choices already? When visitors from Eastern Europe come to our country and visit the grocery store, many of them are struck deaf and blind instantly just from all of the choices they have. They’re not used to having fourteen different types of bread from which to choose. All of these choices just make us pickier and whinier as a people. Shouldn’t we just appreciate the loaf of bread that we have, not whine about it not being whole grain or unmoldy? Government involvement in health care will help us as Americans to appreciate the few choices that we can make. And that makes us stronger.
Q: Will health care reform empower a panel to decide end-of-life care for Americans?
A: No, this is a complete fabrication. There is no panel. It’s more like a consortium.
Q: How will health insurance reform affect Native Americans?
A: Adhering to our long history of treating Native Americans with the utmost respect, dignity, and honesty, we will be providing all tribal members with H1N1 vaccinations that will actually infect them with a new deadlier strain of H1N1, and then we’ll punch them in the crotch and run away with all of their jewelry.
Q: Will children with disabilities be turned down for the health care that they need?
A: Absolutely not. Children with disabilities will be able to receive all of the treatment that they need. Of course, a panel composed of an atheist, an unemployed stockbroker, two psychics, an illegal immigrant from Mexico and Osama Bin Laden will be convened to define the word “need” and to identify the criteria that disabled children must meet before receiving treatment.
Q: Is it true that health care reform would encourage or even require euthanasia for senior citizens?
A: This is not true – it is a distortion by a malicious disinformation campaign. This health care reform will not encourage euthanasia for senior citizens at all. In fact, it will actually focus a large amount of research efforts to discover the secret to eternal life! This research will enrich all of our lives and all it will require is the self-sacrifice of anyone over the age of 65. For research purposes, you see.
Q: What will happen to the health care for our veterans?
A: Quite simply, it will continue operating at the high level of quality with which it has been operating for decades.
Q: Will health insurance reform force me out of my current insurance plan or force me to change doctors?
A: Not at all. In fact, the reform will encourage you to stay with your doctor indefinitely. Even if you don’t like your physician, you will be strongly guided towards remaining with him or her for the remainder of your natural life. If you do decide that you absolutely must change physicians, you will have an entire directory to choose from. And each time you change physicians, only one of your family members to be shocked with 20,000 volts! The rest of your family members will be perfectly fine unless you can’t make up your stupid mind.
Q: Would insurers be required to provide preventative care, like mammograms, free of charge?
A: No, but if your creepy cousin Ralph offers a free mammogram, by all means, take him up on it.
Hopefully this has helped to alleviate your concerns about the health care reform that will be happening in our country. If you have any additional questions about the health care reform plan, contact your Congressman, State Representative, local hot dog vendor, barber, taxi driver, Rush Limbaugh, or any other random person with an uneducated, uninformed opinion.
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Hilarious! Thank you for taking the time to clear all that misinformation out there. Everyone just calm down, it’s ok! I think.
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@Amad, we’re all going to be just fine now.
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Hello. I love you.
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@Christine, I love being loved!
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as if I wasn’t already confused.
what IS going on with the reform?
Also. I pay nothing for my health care. That pleases me
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@bluepaintred, you mean this doesn’t answer all of your questions clearly?
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
This has completely cleared up all of my question and concerns about health care reform. I think I will direct Sarah Palin to this post so she won’t be so confused anymore.
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@Jay, I think the only way she won’t be confused is if she reads off of teleprompters.
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
Can I be on that child with disabilities panel?
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@Ashleigh, no, you’re not an evil liberal stereotype.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Dude… so not helping here…
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@Dave2,
I’m inclined to agree, but jokes on any subject should get a special pass.
It’s kind of sad that nowadays, America ONLY takes its moral lessons from the court jesters–the Colberts, the Stewarts, the Mahers.
It’s equally sad that because of it, we end up searching our jokes for moral lessons.
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@headbang8, that’s my rule – funny trumps all.
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@Dave2, what? This doesn’t point out the absurdity of the right purposely obfuscating the truth?
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Twitter: Blogography
, August 20th, 2009: 8:02 AM
Of course it does! TO US!!! But you’ve seen the morons who turn up at these town meetings and such… some of them are so stupid that they would read something like this and take it at face value!
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@Dave2, well, yes. But they’re a lost cause. They’ll just do whatever Rush tells them to!
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@Dave2, I was thinking about some unsuspecting moron actually Googling “Health Care Reform”, finding this, then passing it along as gospel. I felt bad for thinking so poorly of the general populous but now I don’t! Ha!
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@Dave2, not to mention adam eating ice cream with hitler at the top of the page…
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Well, good. Now I can sleep tonight, knowing that it’s all taken care of, and that no matter what is decided, it’s going to suck.
Cause, ya know… the gov’t does such an amazing job of running things, like the almost bankrupt post office, welfare, immigration, the IRS. Of COURSE I want them making my health care decisions!!!
Reform is needed – desperately. But shit, can’t we let some intelligent non-politicians take care of it???
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@Kay, how about our judicial system, our interstates and our other infrastructure and our utilities, just to name a few? The post office has improved tremendously over the last several years, even if they’re having trouble now trying to compete with UPS and FedEx. I don’t assume in any way that anything that reforms the current insurance clusterfuck is going to suck.
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
This is hilarious but also really sad at the same time….it just shows how sheeple-like we Americans can be most of the time.
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@Robin, and that’s why I hate 95% of the people in the world.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
But what if I want more of my tax dollars to help fund abortions for minorities? Can I still do that under the new plan?
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@whall, yes, but only if they’re gay atheist environmentalists, too.
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Twitter: Blogography
, August 20th, 2009: 8:14 AM
But what if I want more of MY tax dollars to be dumped into the Iraq war even though Bush invaded as retribution for 9/11 when Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 AND there were no weapons of mass destruction to support his ever-changing story as to why he totally fucked us with no plan and no exit strategy, even though the money we’ve spent there could have funded health care for every US citizen 10 times over? Will this new plan take money away from that?
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 20th, 2009: 10:32 AM
@Dave2, I actually saw enough WMDs to kill >10,000 people and watched servicemembers come into our hospital for treatment for chemical exposure. So, the whole “there were no WMDs in Iraq” thing was bullshit.
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Twitter: Blogography
, August 20th, 2009: 11:25 AM
To clarify… I was not saying that there were no weapons of mass destruction ever… I was saying there was no evidence of weapons of mass destruction to support Bush’s story at the time he was selling it as the “revised” reason we went into Iraq. Which is why President Bush himself was joking about it at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner in 2004… showing “funny” pictures of him looking under couch cushions and other ridiculous places “trying to find those WMDs.” Having the Commander in Chief of our armed forces mocking the search for WMDs all while telling our troops that this is the reason they’re fighting and dying in Iraq… well, not only is it not funny, but it completely diminishes his rationale for going to war (which was the point I was trying to make).
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 20th, 2009: 11:43 AM
@Dave2, Okay. They were dumped into the river or kept in “extermination plants.” Apparently, Sadaam really hated bugs. Not sure why the Pres made jokes about it and acted foolish about the lack of public release of what was found. It would’ve been nice to have waited before deciding to invade; that’s true. Selfishly, however, it helped (and still helps) me a lot to come back to Atlanta and have everyone I came in contact with know who I was and what I’d been doing! For a few months, I was almost as famous as Adam Avitable!
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 20th, 2009: 11:44 AM
@muskrat, And I realize I can’t spell “Saddam” right. I can pronounce it correctly, though.
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Twitter: Blogography
, August 20th, 2009: 12:03 PM
@muskrat, I’m afraid that to become truly as famous (infamous) as Adam Avitable, you have to show a picture of your balls on the internet!
And don’t ever think that your service to this country is not appreciated. Regardless of my feelings about why we went to war (or the person responsible for taking us there), our troops have nothing but my upmost respect and support, and always have. It’s not just everyone in Atlanta that knows who you are and what you had been doing…
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@whall, wait – there’s a special “minority abortions only” fund???
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I’m glad you cleared that up!
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@Lynda, I’m happy to be an educator.
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finally questions and answers i can understand!
avitable for president! palin as his running mate! lets just throw doogie howser in there too!
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@sudobeer, I don’t know if I’d want a Republican for my running mate. Joe Biden’s bad enough and he’s a Democrat!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Q: Do I become Canadian or English if I accept Healthcare Reform into my heart? (I’m already English, but Canadianism is so rad.)
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@Poppy, A: You actually become a Nazi because socialism is evil!
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
OK, so I only have a cursory understanding of the plan, but basically they’re offering government-funded health insurance as an option, not the defacto standard?
How is this a bad thing? In Ontario, provincially funded health insurance (OHIP) is the only option.
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@SciFi Dad, my understanding of it is not complete, but that’s the impression I have, yes.
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 20th, 2009: 10:32 AM
@SciFi Dad, Isn’t Canada’s system about to implode? Heard that on the news yesterday.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
, August 20th, 2009: 11:07 AM
@muskrat, The problem isn’t the system itself, but rather how the funding is distributed, how many doctors are leaving Canada for better pay in the U.S., and concerns about modernization in record keeping (electronic records).
No system is perfect, and yes there are situations where people are on waiting lists in Ontario but would be able to pay to skip that waiting list in the U.S., but personally I think that two equally sick people should be treated in the same amount of time, not that the one who can pay more gets treated first.
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Advocate Avitable answers asks, advises applicants, assures acceptance. Aren’t allOFus appreciative? Amen.
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@avatgardener, “allOFus”? Hm. The judges say no.
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@Avitable,
apply “audience”. actually.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
What would we do without your abundance of knowledge?
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@Robin, flounder like lost fish.
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Congress doesn’t have to pay Ticketmaster processing fees?! I knew it! Those fuckers!
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@Sybil Law, they can also use coupons regardless of the expiration date!
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Well, as long as the illegal migrant workers get health care before all American citizens do, I’m okay with it.
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@Hilly, they also get a free house! And a money tree.
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I KNEW IT
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@Bridget, I’m glad that your eyes have been opened.
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See! You CAN get all of your information on politics and government and life in general from blogs and Google!
Who needs research?
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@Miss Britt, research is for nerds and Communists.
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Thank you for this information. I will now proceed to alter it slightly and pass it along to my fellow man so as to further increase the confusion.
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@Badass Geek, but this is all highly accurate, helpful information!
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And now I have the urge to sing No Sex In The Champagne Room at the top of my lungs…
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@Maria, I’m glad somebody got my reference!
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Can I officially change my status from American veteran to illegal alien? If I convert to Japanese, statistics say I’ll live an extra 10 years and lose 33% of my body fat. Plus I’ll stand a better chance of hooking up with a hot Japanese woman if I’m no longer one of you uppity crackers.
私は日本人です。
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@Grant, ooh, how’d you do the kanji that easily? And no, you’re not.
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@Avitable, I’m just using the Windows language bar you can enable under the language options of the Control Panel. When you type in hiragana and press the space bar it attempts to convert to kanji when appropriate (and provides a drop-down menu if it didn’t default to what you need).
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@Grant, I can’t do that. Damnit. I need to find my Windows CD so I can try this.
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I like to think the Death Panels will be Logan’s Run-nish in nature. The way they’ve been described to me, so far, makes them sound as if they have more of a Soylent Green feel… and, while both movies were cheesy, Logan’s Run had a better soundtrack.
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@delmer, I’d like to see them closer to the court on Krypton that sends Zod to the Phantom Zone.
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I would like to selflessly offer my services for free mammograms as well… Ya’ know… If Ralph is busy. Call me! *thumbs up*
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@SiteInsights, only creepy cousins or uncles may apply. Are someone’s creepy cousin or uncle?
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
The third to last question/answer made me snort coffee in a sad, Dude, he’s so right and it’s sad that he’s right. sort of way.
And Congress also voted to exempt themselves from acting like normal, decent people. Except for Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV). I love that man.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, that’s the biggest issue facing our country, I think. Congress needs humility and to relearn the definition of “public service”.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
I’m furious about the Ticketmaster thing. And the mattress tags.
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@Finn, it’s an outrage!
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Boy this is so confusing still. I think we need to as ourselves WWSPD? What Would Sarah Palin Do? After all, she is the new face of the conservatives right? They almost made her VP, she’ll know what to do! Haha, if that were true I’d be really nervous if I were Native American or a turkey.
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@Hockeyman, or an endangered species that’s fun to hunt.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I too love how Congress is exempt from most of the programs they “give” us. I also like the manner in which they get pay raises.
And to think, there’s a group of people around here that wants me to run. Hmm.
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@muskrat, Congress needs to get taken down a notch. You’d be perfect. Like a younger Jack Ryan.
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I get the humor here, I thought you did well with that. What I don’t get is why you think everyone who is worried is uninformed, how do you KNOW that Obama and the Dems are telling you the truth and it isn’t just a bunch of talking heads telling you what you want to hear? You don’t. There is no way that you can know. Just like there is noway the Republicans can know. You can think you know, you can research, but how do you know the research isn’t tampered with? How do you know that what “they” say is true.
I just don’t trust the government. They all lie.
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@Deb, I think you need to get a bigger foil hat! All of the information that you’d want to know is available for you to read. It’s not someone telling you something – you can read it with your own two eyes and make your own informed opinion on it. Are there going to be negatives with the health care reform? Of course! Can it really be worse than our current insurance situation right now? I don’t see how.
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@Avitable, Foil Hat??? How on Earth did you know~! Sure you can read it with your own two eyes. But who wrote it down and how do you know it is the truth? I mean hell I read you with my own two eyes so everything you write down must be true? Seriously? Did you get your hands on the information from somewhere other than the media? The internet? CNN? I don’t think so, Last time I checked there wasn’t a blogger convention for you and Miss Britt to run off to in Washington…So you have no idea what the truth is. Neither do I, cause god knows my broke ass sits here in Texas with my gun and my backwoods conservative views waiting to gun down those freaking border hoppers!
Oh wait, that is just what the media, the internet, and crazy Democrats say about all of us conservatives, Oh so that must be the truth huh?
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@Deb, As part of my job I’m supposed to get a judicial order requiring people get off medical cards and onto private insurance if it’s available through an employer. Medicaid must be pretty good insurance because NOBODY wants off it. In a year of doing this job the overwhelming response from people is that they can’t get anywhere near as good of insurance privately as the state medical card. I know medical providers feel differently, but the people, they seem to like their gov’t run insurance very well.
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@Rayne of Terror, That is because gov’t run insurance is 100% free, not because it is good. I was on medicaid when I had my daughter, I immediately got off of it and did whatever it took to make sure we never went back on it, I don’t mind my $20 co-pay.
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@Rayne of Terror, bc it’s free. They can use the ER as a doctor’s office (for colds, etc.), and never end up receiving a bill for 2 grand later, like the rest of us do if WE use the ER with private insurance.
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@Deb, You can actually read the proposed health care reform bill for yourself (on a site firefox wont let me open at the moment, probably a government conspiracy to keep me from finding out about the death panels!) and then you can see for yourself what’s in the bill without getting a spin from either side.
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I hope you’re prepared for Fox “news” to call you and have you on as an expert on health care reform.
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@Jen, that would make my day.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Very informative. Have you talked to the Washinton Post about publishing this? Hi-LAR-ious!
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@perpstu, my people should talk to their people.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
You know, someone out there is going to find this while Googling and they’re going to take it VERY seriously. Awesome!
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, that’s what I’m hoping.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
, August 21st, 2009: 12:14 PM
@Avitable, You forgot to say, “Mwahahaha!”
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WOW so thats what this health care hell is all about?? Thanks for enlightening me!
New reader, love your site!
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@Courtney, thanks for the visit and comment!
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So if I were to blow my retirement money now, and in the future, that is actually smart economics because by the time i’m 65 I will have to give me body to research. Also I should drink more and take up crack, right?
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@mountainmomma18, crack is so 1990s. It’s all about meth now.
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Why can’t just those why pay taxes get health benefits…how b’out that Obama and the rest of the health care reform starters??? NO seriously, this I could be in favor of, but not just letting any old person that comes to America, even the illegal’s to get health care and our taxes go up the roof???? No, sure, I will cont. to fight this…
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@henryyoung, actually, this plan will not cover illegal immigrants at all. You should inform yourself so that you don’t sound like an ignorant moron.
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I wonder what an atheist, unemployed stockbroker, psychics, illegal immigrant and Osama Bin Laden would define ‘need’ as? I can’t wait to find out! And I’m Canadian!
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@Carolyn, me either – it will be a mystery!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
cock slappin monkey fuckers, i knew they got outta paying ticketmaster processing fees. that’s it. i’m running for office.
although you know my fat ass ain’t “running” for anything. more like a slow walk. but dammit, someone elect me so i don’t have to pay ticketbastards their outrageous fees!
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@hello haha narf, I’d vote for you!
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Twitter: mooshinindy
says:
So I know it is tagged as “satire” but I don’t get which part is satire?
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@moosh in indy., it’s a very fine line.
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Well, now that I know this, I can save the crazy diatribe I had prepared for the next town hall meeting for another time. Thank you for bringing me to my senses.
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@cat, I’m glad I could enlighten you.
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
So, I actually forwarded this one to an old friend last week – one whose sensibilities often run along the same lines as mine – and she enjoyed it mightily. Also said that your approach is subversive. I think subversive sounds fun!
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@Robin, subversive is fun! You should try it sometime. Thanks for sharing my post!
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