Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

The First Day of School

Here in Central Florida, today is the first day of school for many kids. As someone with over 20 years of time spent as a student, I thought I should impart some invaluable advice for anyone starting classes today, whether it’s grade school or high school.

Don’t start eating paper yet, lest you get nicknamed “Paper Eater Boy”.
Do wait until your teacher catches you passing a note and you have to eat it to save the embarrassment of your love note being read aloud.

Don’t be afraid to share your peanut butter sandwich with a kid whose mom sucks and packed him a shoe and can of sardines for lunch.
Do make sure he doesn’t have a deathly allergy to peanuts that kills him on the spot.

Do bring a pencil sharpener so that you can keep your pencil points honed.
Don’t bring a large Bowie knife to sharpen said pencils.

Do try to become the first kid to come up with the nickname for your teachers who deserve them.
Don’t shout the name you came up with for Mrs. Blotherlucker out loud.

Do snap some bra straps to show the girls that you like them and appreciate their budding breasts.
Don’t do it if her name is Amanda and she’s the principal’s daughter and he’s watching through the second story library window and almost flies out of the fucking window to kill you in a murderous rage.

Do bring a notebook that you can use to carry in front of you if you get an erection.
Don’t bring the Hannah Montana notebook that your mom bought for you even though it’s pink.

Do bring an iPod to listen to music on the bus.
Don’t sing along out loud if the Divinyl’s “I Touch Myself” starts playing.

Do sign up for every single extracurricular activity you can.
Don’t attend any of them except for the yearbook photo at the end of the year.

Do try to get a varsity letter because colleges like it.
Don’t bother with real sports – try swimming, golf, bowling, or color guard.

Don’t let the bullies corner you.
Do remember to go for the eyes, the throat, and the crotch if they do.

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89 Replies to “The First Day of School”

  1. KL'd

    This is just charming, I’m glad I stumbled upon it. For the ladies might I add a tip to all 7th grade boys and above DON’T elbow a girl’s knockers- it hurts ๐Ÿ™ . Middle School is the worst tranistion period. EVER.
    Good Post.

  2. Stone Fox

    boy i’m glad you posted this. that last post sucked. you were totally phoning it in. actually, i wish i could think of something that was even less work than phoning it in.

    may i also add for the girls:

    DO bring extra pads/panty liners “just in case”
    DON’T put them in the pocket of your backpack that doesn’t close properly lest they fall out on the floor for everyone to see and then the cute guy you seeerrrriously have a crush on turns bright red and says in his crackly pre-teen voice, “Um. There’s like, something on the floor next to your bag.”

    Not that this ever happened to me, or anything.

  3. LiteralDan

    But if the kid doesn’t have a DEATHLY allergy, but rather a horribly uncomfortable, nearly deathly allergy, you should totally give that sandwich to them, to make for a much more entertaining lunch period.

  4. Kay

    Sharp pencils are a bad idea. Especially when you think it would be fun to hold one (point up) on your friends chair, thinking he’ll go to sit and jump up shrieking like a girl. Cause he won’t. Instead, he’ll plop his (quite large) ass down, and said pencil WILL create a new hole in the skin that’s not supposed to be there. The teacher WILL call 911, and you WILL be suspended for a week. And your parents will forever tease you by calling you “pencil boy”.
    My teenager still gets pissed off when we laugh about it. I’m sorry, but I had to keep a straight face when talking to the principal (NOT easy)… there is NO way I’m going to let him live that down.

  5. Sybil Law

    Also, girls in junior high: Do appoint one or more of your friends to walk behind you once you get your period so they can tell you if there’s any leakage or anything on your pants.
    Don’t make it so obvious that everyone knows what you’re doing.
    Yeah – we did that in junior high.
    Sound advice, Avitable. My favorite was the boner one. Hahaha

  6. Robin

    Do bring your celebrity binder with all the current cute boys and all their information so you can be super cool.

    Do not let the “cool” kids see it or they will torture you for that forever.

  7. Grant

    For a lot of kids, school started here weeks ago. I guess that’s why Georgia always leads the nation in education (I assume).

    I think starting a new school is just like going to prison. The best thing the student can do on his or her first day is to immediately kill somebody or become somebody’s bitch.

  8. Jay

    I love the advice to join all the clubs at school, but don’t participate until yearbook photo day. That’s brilliant.

    You did forget to remind them to bring a handgun backup. You know, just in case their AR-15 jams. And at least two extra clips.

  9. lceel

    Damn. Where were you when I needed you? Oh. That’s right. Not only were you not a gleam in your father’s eye, I think, perhaps, your father may not have been a gleam if HIS father’s eye. That means my only hope would have been Lenny Bruce – and he had no interest in a goy (gentile) kid from the Southwest side of Chicago.

  10. Hockeyman

    I think swimming is a real sport. It certainly is not something out of shape people can do like bowling and golf. I did get my letter in high school and earned it on the school weightlifting team. Didn’t even know you could get a letter for that until they presented me with one for my silver medal in the county meet. Stupid chalk, always use chalk dammit and the gold would not have slipped out of my hands.

    Also you forgot rubber bands. I don’t know of any office supply that can make up as many weapons for defense or attack as the rubber band. You could throw a piece of paper at someone, but why not fold said paper real small and launch it at them so you know they got your message.

  11. Carolyn

    Love this list. Could help so many young ones about to be tortured this year! It makes me so glad to NOT be in school anymore.

    And I always wondered who those kids were that found their way into all the yearbook photos for every god damned thing but I never saw participate in anything. They were just following your stellar example. Wish I had thought of that.

  12. lauren

    just want to point out that in Korea, they actually do use knives and box cutters to sharpen their pencils, which was lovingly pointed out to me the first time I took a knife away from a kid and started bitching him out.

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