Here in Central Florida, today is the first day of school for many kids. As someone with over 20 years of time spent as a student, I thought I should impart some invaluable advice for anyone starting classes today, whether it’s grade school or high school.
Don’t start eating paper yet, lest you get nicknamed “Paper Eater Boy”.
Do wait until your teacher catches you passing a note and you have to eat it to save the embarrassment of your love note being read aloud.
Don’t be afraid to share your peanut butter sandwich with a kid whose mom sucks and packed him a shoe and can of sardines for lunch.
Do make sure he doesn’t have a deathly allergy to peanuts that kills him on the spot.
Do bring a pencil sharpener so that you can keep your pencil points honed.
Don’t bring a large Bowie knife to sharpen said pencils.
Do try to become the first kid to come up with the nickname for your teachers who deserve them.
Don’t shout the name you came up with for Mrs. Blotherlucker out loud.
Do snap some bra straps to show the girls that you like them and appreciate their budding breasts.
Don’t do it if her name is Amanda and she’s the principal’s daughter and he’s watching through the second story library window and almost flies out of the fucking window to kill you in a murderous rage.
Do bring a notebook that you can use to carry in front of you if you get an erection.
Don’t bring the Hannah Montana notebook that your mom bought for you even though it’s pink.
Do bring an iPod to listen to music on the bus.
Don’t sing along out loud if the Divinyl’s “I Touch Myself” starts playing.
Do sign up for every single extracurricular activity you can.
Don’t attend any of them except for the yearbook photo at the end of the year.
Do try to get a varsity letter because colleges like it.
Don’t bother with real sports – try swimming, golf, bowling, or color guard.
Don’t let the bullies corner you.
Do remember to go for the eyes, the throat, and the crotch if they do.
Two Truths and a Lie
Fuck you world
My years at a private Christian school
As a former obnoxious high school f*ck, I probably deserve every nickname the kids give me now that I’m on the other end. As long as they’re creative, I’m all for it.
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@Shane, were you obnoxious in high school? I know I was.
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@Avitable, I had my moments. Nothing crazy, just a nonstop string of sarcasm from sophomore year on. I would definitely annoy myself if I were my teacher. If that makes any sense.
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This is just charming, I’m glad I stumbled upon it. For the ladies might I add a tip to all 7th grade boys and above DON’T elbow a girl’s knockers- it hurts
. Middle School is the worst tranistion period. EVER.
Good Post.
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@KL’d, an elbow in the knockers is worth two in the balls!
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@Avitable, This might be true, but getting hit in the boobs should be categorized with textbook shielded erections. That shit is just embrassing…
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@KL’d, I did write this list a bit male-heavy, you’re right.
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boy i’m glad you posted this. that last post sucked. you were totally phoning it in. actually, i wish i could think of something that was even less work than phoning it in.
may i also add for the girls:
DO bring extra pads/panty liners “just in case”
DON’T put them in the pocket of your backpack that doesn’t close properly lest they fall out on the floor for everyone to see and then the cute guy you seeerrrriously have a crush on turns bright red and says in his crackly pre-teen voice, “Um. There’s like, something on the floor next to your bag.”
Not that this ever happened to me, or anything.
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@Stone Fox, my art takes hours and hours and hours to prepare!
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@Avitable,
yeah, i can never find a pen and a piece of paper at the same time either.
sucks.
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@Stone Fox, it’s a daunting task.
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But if the kid doesn’t have a DEATHLY allergy, but rather a horribly uncomfortable, nearly deathly allergy, you should totally give that sandwich to them, to make for a much more entertaining lunch period.
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@LiteralDan, agreed.
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Sharp pencils are a bad idea. Especially when you think it would be fun to hold one (point up) on your friends chair, thinking he’ll go to sit and jump up shrieking like a girl. Cause he won’t. Instead, he’ll plop his (quite large) ass down, and said pencil WILL create a new hole in the skin that’s not supposed to be there. The teacher WILL call 911, and you WILL be suspended for a week. And your parents will forever tease you by calling you “pencil boy”.
My teenager still gets pissed off when we laugh about it. I’m sorry, but I had to keep a straight face when talking to the principal (NOT easy)… there is NO way I’m going to let him live that down.
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@Kay, “pencil boy” was the best name you could come up with?
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@Avitable, – He was 8 at the time… that was the most creative we could SHARE. Now we can make ass jokes about it
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@Kay, oh, okay. You’re forgiven.
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Seriously sensible suggestions sent sensitively to students.
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@avatgardener, seriously sensible? Slightly sarcastic.
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Bwahahahaha! Nowwwwwwwwwwww, I see it!
Um anyway, I remember fondly the day of Trapper Keepers and PeeChee folders. That will be all because I’m too busy laughing my ass off.
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@Hilly, I don’t remember PeeChee. I do remember Trapper Keepers.
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Twitter: HeadlessMom
, August 24th, 2009: 10:45 PM
@Avitable, too young to remember PeeChees? God, I’m old.
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@Headless Mom, well, I am only 32.
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Hahahahahahaha!
Also, girls in junior high: Do appoint one or more of your friends to walk behind you once you get your period so they can tell you if there’s any leakage or anything on your pants.
Don’t make it so obvious that everyone knows what you’re doing.
Yeah – we did that in junior high.
Sound advice, Avitable. My favorite was the boner one. Hahaha
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@Sybil Law, boners in middle school suck!
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
Why is it that the guy who proclaims he will never have kids knows when the first day of school is and the woman with two in the system doesn’t?
(ducking for cover now)
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 24th, 2009: 8:44 AM
@SciFi Dad, Good point!
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I wish I had these taped to the inside of my locker as a lad–right next to the “letter to my body” post/picture.
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@muskrat, were you a fat kid?
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 25th, 2009: 1:43 PM
@Avitable, No.
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@muskrat, ah, a chubby chaser then.
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 25th, 2009: 3:33 PM
@Avitable, Indeed.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Do bring your celebrity binder with all the current cute boys and all their information so you can be super cool.
Do not let the “cool” kids see it or they will torture you for that forever.
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@Robin, the cool kids are the ones WITH the celebrity binders!
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For a lot of kids, school started here weeks ago. I guess that’s why Georgia always leads the nation in education (I assume).
I think starting a new school is just like going to prison. The best thing the student can do on his or her first day is to immediately kill somebody or become somebody’s bitch.
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@Grant, I thought Georgia led the nation in peaches.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
I’m printing this out and giving it to Lil’ M this afternoon.
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@Finn, he might find it very helpful. Or disturbing.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I love the advice to join all the clubs at school, but don’t participate until yearbook photo day. That’s brilliant.
You did forget to remind them to bring a handgun backup. You know, just in case their AR-15 jams. And at least two extra clips.
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@Jay, good thinking!
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Screw the eyes, throat, and crotch? I’m putting my kids in karate classes this year. If this fails, I’m giving them their own blog to bitch about the other kids.
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@LeSombre, did you mean for that to be a question? And a blog might be the best weapon they could use!
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Twitter: LeSombre
, August 25th, 2009: 8:39 AM
@Avitable, Darn, no I didn’t mean for that to be a question? I’m sorry for the confusion? I’m Ron Burgundy?
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@LeSombre, I do that all the time when I’m instant messaging. I start thinking of the next thing I want to say before I finish typing the first part.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
Damn. Where were you when I needed you? Oh. That’s right. Not only were you not a gleam in your father’s eye, I think, perhaps, your father may not have been a gleam if HIS father’s eye. That means my only hope would have been Lenny Bruce – and he had no interest in a goy (gentile) kid from the Southwest side of Chicago.
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@lceel, my father’s almost 60, so I don’t think you’re older than him!
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Twitter: lceel
, August 24th, 2009: 10:34 PM
@Avitable, I will be, two weeks from tomorrow, 64 years of age.
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@lceel, well, you sure as hell didn’t look 63 in July!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Heh. Good ones, all of them.
I do recall you singing “I Touch Myself” in an Economics classroom. Or, maybe, it just *feels* like I should remember it that way.
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@Faiqa, I was singing about Mr. Lamar’s moustache.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Awesome advice for new students! Personally, I miss the days of Trapper Keepers with pictures of unicorns covered with puffy rainbow stickers. Is it just me? Don’t answer that…
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@perpstu, oh, you had one of those too?
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Words of wisdom from the master.
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@trishk, baiter.
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I think swimming is a real sport. It certainly is not something out of shape people can do like bowling and golf. I did get my letter in high school and earned it on the school weightlifting team. Didn’t even know you could get a letter for that until they presented me with one for my silver medal in the county meet. Stupid chalk, always use chalk dammit and the gold would not have slipped out of my hands.
Also you forgot rubber bands. I don’t know of any office supply that can make up as many weapons for defense or attack as the rubber band. You could throw a piece of paper at someone, but why not fold said paper real small and launch it at them so you know they got your message.
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@Hockeyman, well, I was on the swim team. It wasn’t that hard to get your letter.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Sage advice, Adam. I would only add…
Do: Bring a bottle of water. You never know when you’ll be thirsty.
Don’t: Keep the bottle open between your legs. Peeing on yourself or the appearance of said urine is a first-class ticket to making Billy Idol’s “Dancing by Myself” your prom theme song.
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@Nancy at Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, didn’t you know? All the cool kids pee their pants!
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Or the shortened version:
Girls: Do
Boys: Don’t
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@whall, true.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
uncle adam’s words of wisdom. love it. perhaps you should do the same for someone’s first day on a new job…
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@hello haha narf, that’s an easy one. “Don’t fuck up!”
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Ha-ha, the Mudreys came to mind when I read these. I don’t know why…
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@Sean Avitable, well, yes, that would be Amanda’s dad.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
School doesn’t start until after Labor Day up here, and even then I have no real decent advice for the kids.
I’m one of those people that hated school with every fiber of my being.
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@B.E. Earl, I loved it.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Bus? Hmm. Do have your parents drive you to and from school every day until you get a friend who can drive you instead.
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@Poppy, I went to a school that was too far away because of the special program I was in.
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Twitter: poppycede
, August 24th, 2009: 9:46 PM
@Avitable, ::blink blink:: like, special people?
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@Poppy, well, yes, it was a short bus but that’s because that’s all they would spare. The program was International Baccalaureate and it was the only one in the county, so we had to travel like 15 miles to get to it. It’s the advanced, better than AP, program. And riding the short bus all those years has obviously scarred me.
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Twitter: poppycede
, August 24th, 2009: 9:50 PM
@Avitable, that made me laugh out loud. Which, for the unspecially educated, is: LOL.
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LOL! Good lookin’ out for the kids! Hahaha
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@Atomic Bombshell, I’m a philanthropist at heart.
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Love this list. Could help so many young ones about to be tortured this year! It makes me so glad to NOT be in school anymore.
And I always wondered who those kids were that found their way into all the yearbook photos for every god damned thing but I never saw participate in anything. They were just following your stellar example. Wish I had thought of that.
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@Carolyn, it’s what you have to do when you’re applying to Ivy League schools!
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just want to point out that in Korea, they actually do use knives and box cutters to sharpen their pencils, which was lovingly pointed out to me the first time I took a knife away from a kid and started bitching him out.
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@lauren, so they don’t have a concern about Columbine there?
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@Avitable, apparently not. The elementary school kids are used to being oppressed so they don’t have qualms about it apparently. Let me try to tell them not to do something though and there is an uproar
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Twitter: laurenacarlton
says:
Excellent advice!
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@Lauren, I’m a sage.
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I often was cornered by bullies as a kid. My short stature until I hit age 13 made it easy to nail ‘em in the crotch, though. Fond memories.
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@Badass Geek, but it was all the girls who were beating me up!
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I’m going to clip ‘n’ save this for my middle son who starts middle school next week. would’ve been handy like 30 years ago.
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@Meg, well, 30 years ago, I was 2.
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@Avitable, and I was entering junior high, you punk!
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@Meg, old lady!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Don’t pinch your English teacher’s butt on the last day of school senior year.
Do pinch said teacher’s butt when a friend has a camera at the ready.
True story.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, was your teacher male or female?
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I got my varsity letter in badminton. Swimming, golf, bowling and color guard were still too much work.
(I’m serious about the letter.)
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