Late last night, a neighbor down my street, Phillip Spicklefritz, passed away at the age of 94. While he may not have been famous, I thought he deserved an interview as well:
Me: Thanks for joining me Phil.
PS: So, this interview? Does it go on the radio? The picture box?
Me: No, no. It goes on the Internet. I’m only a journalist on the Internet.
PS: The “Innernet”? What’s that? Ha! Sounds like some kind of tire.
Me: Well, to move on, is it true that you wrote a letter to Cary Grant where you called him a “cad”?
PS: I sure did! He was a hippie, too! But at least he was better than that homo-
(There is a banging at my door. Someone shouts “Ah . . Let me in!”)
Me: Who is it?
Unknown Person: It’s Teddy Kennedy. Open the dooah!
Me: Wait, how do I know that it’s you?
Unknown Person: I ah just died on Toosdey.
Me: Lots of people died. Let me ask you – what’s your favorite soup?
Unknown Person: The ahnswah is chowdah.
Me: And how would you get your vehicle into a designated waiting area?
Unknown Person: Umm, ah, you would ah pahk the cah?
Me: Okay, and what do you think about Marilyn Monroe?
Unknown Person: She was ah hooah who could ah ruined my brothah!
Me: Finally, what do you like on an ice cream sundae?
Unknown Person: Ooh. I love jimmies! They ah wicked awesome!
Me: Hm. Well, I’m not convinced. You could be some Southie who wants to rob me.
Unknown Person: Oh, fahk you you fahking mother fahkah! I was ah Senatah fah the United States of Americker! This will be yooeh fahkin’ lahss!
Me: I’m calling the cops if you don’t leave now!
Unknown Person: Fahn. I’m outta heah.
Me: Now that’s over, Mr. Spicklefritz, let’s get back to our interview.
PS: ZZZZZZZzzzz……
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Interview with Ken Ober
My Interview with Henry Gibson
My Interview with Roy Scheider
I don’t think that WAS Ted Kennedy!
I think that was Matt Damon from Goodwill Hunting trying to bust in on your interview.
Good thing you didn’t let him in. See how he likes them apples!
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@Miss Britt, I respectfully disagree. Clearly, it was Mayor “Diamond Joe” Quimby. If I’m not mistaken,* Mayor Quimby’s love for jimmies was established in the Simpsons episode in which Sideshow Bob runs for mayor.
*I’m actually completely mistaken. Diamond Joe never professed his love for jimmies. I’m prolly right, though. I mean, who doesn’t like those little things? But note that only the rainbow or chocolate kind are acceptable. Anyone who likes those all-one-color jimmies is a child molester.** Be sure to warn your children.
**I’m sorry, I have no proof to back that up, so you perverts go ahead and enjoy your all-yellow jimmies. Boy, I really need to stop taking Oxycontin before I get on the Internets…
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@Deontologist, it could be Freddy Quimby, too, yanno.
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@Miss Britt, oh, it was Ted Kennedy. He almost ate through the door.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
“Okay Dahnkee, say hi to ya mutha fah me!”
(See, because Teddy was a Democrat and the traditional symbol for that party is the donkey. And because his mother is dead. Just like him. And because he spoke with an accent like Mark Wahlberg. Who was parodied on SNL by Andy Samberg talking to a donkey. See? Sometimes my comedy needs a bit of an explanation.)
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@B.E. Earl, I knew exactly what you were doing. I loved that sketch.
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Best. Interview. Ever.
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@Chris, thanks. I liked this one.
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i knew you wouldn’t let me down.
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@CP, nevah!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
“Unknown Person: The ahnswah is chowdah.”
I am amused by that line. It is said in my head perfectly.
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Twitter: elizawhat
on August 27th, 2009 at Thursday, August 27, 2009 @ 7:44 am
@Poppy, Me too, for some reason. It’s fun to say, but not out loud.
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@Poppy, it’s wicked awesome, eh?
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I kept thinking of Quimby, too!! Hahaha
I loved it. Poor Spicklefritz.
Wicked bad!
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@Sybil Law, well, Spicklefritz got a little interview even after all that.
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“I was ah Senatah fah the United States of Americker!”
Yeah….Right. Good thing you didn’t let him in.
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@Carolyn, those Senators. They’ll eat you alive!
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Someone Please, PLEASE tell me Eunice gets to see this. No. Wait. Nevermind.
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@lceel, Phillip’s Eunice passed away many years ago. Rabid wolverine attack.
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@lceel, Actually, (and it’s NEVER fun when you have to explain a joke) I was thinking more in terms of Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Who is probably standing in line waiting for you to interview her – and she’s pissed bcause the old fucker got in there first. AND her brother.
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@lceel, ah, well, it still seems like Phillip would be married to someone named Eunice, too, right?
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@Avitable, True – so true. Probably somebody just like my old spinster Aunt Euphonia, although she obviously would not have been a spinster so the whole attitude about sex thing wouldn’t work and she’d probably never have time to make all those doilies and peer out the windows into all her neighbors houses. But, otherwise, just like her.
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I wish I could say that people from New England (I’m from Maine) don’t sound like that, but really… we do. Spot on.
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@Badass Geek, I’m from Boston.
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Twitter: whatsananna
says:
Oh I am SO glad to see someone use the term “wicked awesome” besides me! And, er, Teddy. And Matt.
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@Nanna, but wouldn’t it have been better if it was…
Wicked, Vahsity, Muthafuckin Lozah
?
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Twitter: whatsananna
on August 27th, 2009 at Thursday, August 27, 2009 @ 10:44 am
@Miss Britt, GAH! I forgot that part! Do the hand signs! DO THE HAND SIGNS!
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@Nanna, oh, I am. I am.
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@Nanna, my family uses that phrase all the time!
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You should rename this Avitable’s Interview Blog. It’s been too long since we’ve seen your balls.
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@Grant, I will email you some pictures to tide you over.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Wicked awesome.
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@Finn, it’s the tits!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
if the summer of death doesn’t end soon this place will be all interviews, all the time!
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@hello haha narf, wherever there is celebrity death, you will find me. Wherever there is a politician who croaked, you will find me. Wherever humor is needed, you will find . .
The Three AmigosAvitable!Reply
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I was wondering how you’d handle Ted’s death (if at all). I’m sorry he wasn’t admitted into Avitable Manor.
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@muskrat, gotta keep everyone guessing!
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I knew you were a Republican.
You’re probably going to dance on his grave too aren’t you?
Isn’t it bad enough that in life he was never able to enter your humble abode? You’ve gotta punish him in death too?
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I was afraid he was going to try to eat me!
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Twitter: s_csr
on August 27th, 2009 at Thursday, August 27, 2009 @ 12:59 pm
@Avitable, As long as you waxed first, I don’t see why this should be a problem.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), ewwwwww.
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Abrasive, but effective. Too bad Phillip went to sleep there at the end. Although I thought that dead people slept all the time.
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@martymankins, dead people who were really old sleep even more!
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Err ahh, that was Ahhesome!
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@Jared, you do mean “wicked awesome”, right?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Really? Not one reference to Chappawachamacallit?
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@Faiqa, I was thinking about it, but then decided not to make it too confusing for most of my readers who don’t even know who Ted Kennedy is.
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Twitter: Faiqa
on August 27th, 2009 at Thursday, August 27, 2009 @ 5:09 pm
@Avitable, And yet they are well versed in the exploits of Phillip Spicklefritz’s letter to Cary Grant. Your humor is as nuanced as it is clever. No, really, that wasn’t sarcasm. Or was it? I don’t even know anymore.
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@Faiqa, I think what you mean is that you love me.
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That was a wicked pissah intaview. Jimmies ARE awesome.
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, pissah! I knew there was another word I was missing!
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that is one of the best ones I’ve read yet. Speaking as a downeastah, not a bad New England accent either.
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@Debs, well, I am from Boston.
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@Avitable, that explain it lol. Even down to Back Bay
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For the life of me I wish I could use the term wicked awesome with any effectiveness. But also I know not to drive a car off a bridge while wicked hammered…..oops is that mean?
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@mountainmomma18, hahaha – nice usage!
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Sadly, you got the Boston accent down perfectly. Luckily I do not have that accent myself.
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@Robin, that’s what my family sounds like!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
What, no reference to Bahstahn Baked Beans? Very sad.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, I don’t consider that to be really Bahstahn, though.
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