Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with Phillip Spicklefritz

Late last night, a neighbor down my street, Phillip Spicklefritz, passed away at the age of 94. While he may not have been famous, I thought he deserved an interview as well:

Me: Thanks for joining me Phil.

PS: So, this interview? Does it go on the radio? The picture box?

Me: No, no. It goes on the Internet. I’m only a journalist on the Internet.

PS: The “Innernet”? What’s that? Ha! Sounds like some kind of tire.

Me: Well, to move on, is it true that you wrote a letter to Cary Grant where you called him a “cad”?

PS: I sure did! He was a hippie, too! But at least he was better than that homo-

(There is a banging at my door. Someone shouts “Ah . . Let me in!”)

Me: Who is it?

Unknown Person: It’s Teddy Kennedy. Open the dooah!

Me: Wait, how do I know that it’s you?

Unknown Person: I ah just died on Toosdey.

Me: Lots of people died. Let me ask you – what’s your favorite soup?

Unknown Person: The ahnswah is chowdah.

Me: And how would you get your vehicle into a designated waiting area?

Unknown Person: Umm, ah, you would ah pahk the cah?

Me: Okay, and what do you think about Marilyn Monroe?

Unknown Person: She was ah hooah who could ah ruined my brothah!

Me: Finally, what do you like on an ice cream sundae?

Unknown Person: Ooh. I love jimmies! They ah wicked awesome!

Me: Hm. Well, I’m not convinced. You could be some Southie who wants to rob me.

Unknown Person: Oh, fahk you you fahking mother fahkah! I was ah Senatah fah the United States of Americker! This will be yooeh fahkin’ lahss!

Me: I’m calling the cops if you don’t leave now!

Unknown Person: Fahn. I’m outta heah.

Me: Now that’s over, Mr. Spicklefritz, let’s get back to our interview.


Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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63 Replies to “My Interview with Phillip Spicklefritz”

    • Deontologist

      @Miss Britt, I respectfully disagree. Clearly, it was Mayor “Diamond Joe” Quimby. If I’m not mistaken,* Mayor Quimby’s love for jimmies was established in the Simpsons episode in which Sideshow Bob runs for mayor.

      *I’m actually completely mistaken. Diamond Joe never professed his love for jimmies. I’m prolly right, though. I mean, who doesn’t like those little things? But note that only the rainbow or chocolate kind are acceptable. Anyone who likes those all-one-color jimmies is a child molester.** Be sure to warn your children.

      **I’m sorry, I have no proof to back that up, so you perverts go ahead and enjoy your all-yellow jimmies. Boy, I really need to stop taking Oxycontin before I get on the Internets…

  1. B.E. Earl

    “Okay Dahnkee, say hi to ya mutha fah me!”

    (See, because Teddy was a Democrat and the traditional symbol for that party is the donkey. And because his mother is dead. Just like him. And because he spoke with an accent like Mark Wahlberg. Who was parodied on SNL by Andy Samberg talking to a donkey. See? Sometimes my comedy needs a bit of an explanation.)

    • lceel

      @lceel, Actually, (and it’s NEVER fun when you have to explain a joke) I was thinking more in terms of Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Who is probably standing in line waiting for you to interview her – and she’s pissed bcause the old fucker got in there first. AND her brother.

        • lceel

          @Avitable, True – so true. Probably somebody just like my old spinster Aunt Euphonia, although she obviously would not have been a spinster so the whole attitude about sex thing wouldn’t work and she’d probably never have time to make all those doilies and peer out the windows into all her neighbors houses. But, otherwise, just like her.

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