The most recent season of Top Chef has taught me something. There are too many people out there who think they have to rebel against someone. They think that they can be unique by doing the same things that everyone else who rebels is doing. And for some reason, mutilating your own body for the “lofty” goal of self-expression is the form of rebellion that these individualistic lemming group thinkers choose.
Let me be frank. I don’t really understand most tattoos. Injecting ink under your skin that fades and stretches and disappears – okay, I can see doing that if you have a real message or if it really means something to you. But the people with the tribal armbands and Chinese characters that they don’t understand – what’s the point?
Tattoos have become so mainstream, though, that the idiots out there need to take it to a new level and start piercing. People who put such huge gauges in their ears that they physically distort a part of their body are stupid. I’ve seen small gauges, and I guess if that floats your boat, I think it’s weird, but what the fuck ever. But to have a hole in your fucking ear so big that Dumbo could fly through it? You’re trying too hard.
What’s next, though? People have silicon shapes injected into their bodies, they lace up their bodies like a pair of smelly shoes, they insert large pieces of metal into any part of the body that can take them. But they’re still not unique. At all. These followers are the worst of them all, because they think they’re expressing themselves. What they’re really doing is following the crowd. The crowd decides that everyone’s gauging their ears, they do it. Everyone’s piercing their cheeks . . . done. Everyone’s splitting their tongues, and the line for that shop is out the door.
Be unique, you fuckleheads. Why not try some of the following activities to express your true individuality?
- Remove a section of your rib cage and skin and replace it with a lucite terrarium. The power for it runs in a wire along your back, plugged directly into a battery pack which has been inserted into the fatty tissue of your left butt cheek. You can choose any type of animal to put in your terrarium, but cooler animals like chameleons, snakes, poison frogs, and those moths from Silence of the Lambs are all of the rage.
- Some of the fattiest tissue on the human body is in the ass. Why not pierce your ass cheeks together with a large piece? This can be especially unique if you get the optional accessory that hangs off the side and can hold a roll of toilet paper.
- The holographic message cube can be easily programmed via USB through your computer. All you have to do is program a message just for you, using millions of colors to form complex graphics, animations, and visuals. Then use a grapefruit spoon to scoop out your eye (you choose which one), and firmly lodge the message cube in the empty socket. Make sure to add batteries before sticking it in, because it can be tricky to get it back out again.
- Why not let your body allow others to express themselves? Using various surgical techniques, you can have your chest from nipple to nipple to sternum removed and replaced with an Etch a Sketch, a dry erase board, or that thing with all the little pins that you can use to make your own relief art. Your message can change every day or you can allow passers by or that employer on your next interview at McDonald’s to express themselves.
- Split tongues are so 2009. It’s time to split your body. By carefully slicing your body vertically with a large machete or the handle of a paper cutter, you can create two halves of your body that you can then pierce back together using any manner of customized metalwork. For a great treat, leave a 2-3 inch gap when you put yourself together so that people can see through you! They’ll think you’re the coolest guy in the world!
- The final way for you to be individualistic and not follow the crowd is to travel to the rural areas of China to practice head switching. A poorly trained surgeon will sever your head and an appendage of your choice and swap them! Imagine having your head resting on your right arm while your hand waves to you from the comfort of your neck stump. Cool, huh?
Enjoy this post? Try these:
Sunday rerun: A Letter to my Body #blogher
It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad lib
My Interview with Osama bin Laden
Ouch.
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@Pop and Ice, what? You don’t want to run right out and do that?
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@Avitable, I’m thinking my teenage kids might gag/object. I need to keep friction to the lowest level possible. Anything to keep peace in the family…
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Twitter: SarcasticMomLC
says:
I was really thinking of having my head inserted into my ass because I’ve seen so many people doing that lately…..
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@Sarcastic Mom, people with their heads in their asses has been one of those fashion trends that just keeps coming back into style. It’s like flared leg pants.
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For #3, a melon baller works much better than a grapefruit spoon. I’m just sayin’…
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@Kris, oh, but the pain is part of the expression!
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Steve-O already pierced his ass. That is SO 1990s.
http://www.jackassworld.com/videos/1575414/190388
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@Squeaky Wheel, yeah, but I was talking about something that’s very high gauge, like a barbell.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
When I saw the title I thought you were going to talk about the Madonna movie. I was worried for you
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@Amanda, I don’t love Madonna that much!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
“I can see doing that if you have a real message or if it really means something to you.”
Just about everyone I know falls into this category. Let it go, grasshopper.
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@B.E. Earl, that’s because you’re older and that’s very true for your generation. Look at the fucking idiots in their 20s and 30s who have tattoos now. Most of them don’t have any message at all other than “That looks cool!”
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I totally want a rib terrarium! fuck establishment!!
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@flutter, that’s the ticket!
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I think the rib terrarium is a winnah!
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@Dee, I should start manufacturing those now to keep up with the demand.
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
Number two was done by Steve-o, like Squeaky Wheel said. Not sure why I know that.
That person in the picture scares me. I can’t tell if that is a crab or a sun tattooed on their head.
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@Ashleigh, he probably thinks he’s very unique, when the fact is that Hellraiser did it wayyy before him.
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Nice rant.
Next time, tell us how you really feel.
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@fuzzarelly, I know! I’m so subtle!
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Piercing possibilities petrify post-er.
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@avatgardener, presumably painful piercing is perturbing.
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That picture makes me want to vomit. UGH!
Most of the time, I really think tattoos are pretty stupid, too. Rarely do they have any real, deep meaning other than, “I like flowers!”, or whatever. Some people, though, can pull them off and they don’t bother me at all. However, people completely covered like that guy, and pierced beyond belief, just make me want to hurl. I feel sorry for that guy – if it’s even a guy!
I am all about the body part swapping. What about just getting extra appendages?! More arms to do what needs to be done! But then I’d have no excuse to be lazy. Dammit!
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@Sybil Law, more arms would be good. Or another mouth!
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
My husband has his initials, an old girlfriend’s name, and an art piece from our wedding as tats. He regrets the name every day and what a drunk dumbass he was to get it. The wedding piece is the ship from in front of the Treasure Island casino where we got married with the date of the wedding underneath. He was going to get my name underneath as well, but I stopped him and said “Why do you want to curse us like that?”
As for piercings….. I just don’t get it.
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@Blondefabulous, I get some piercing and some tattoos, but most of them are just stupid.
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Twitter: Whatsananna
says:
Seriously. Who wants to take bets on the whole “Is this guy employed?” re: the guy in your photo. Oh, no, wait. Let me guess. Work is too mainstream and lame, right?
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@Nanna, very likely. I know I’d never hire him.
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I couldn’t agree more. Things that really meant something to me 10 years I couldn’t care less about now, I’m glad I didn’t have them permanently inked into my skin. And what about these douche bags with the huge diamond studs in their ears? How gay is that?
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@Nobody™, I don’t mind diamond studs until they’re distracting.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
The only piercings I support are the tongue things because they enhance a certain experience. And yes, I am a selfish pig.
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@lceel, I’m very disturbed now.
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I bet that dude looks funny when he has to take all that crap out at the airport. I’m thinking of replacing my hair with snakes like Medusa. Jst waiting to hear back from Bosley and the hair club.
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@Hockeyman, your pubic hair?
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I still think an Adamantium endoskeleton is the purest form of rebellion!
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@kapgar, you are correct. I think I might try that!
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First of all, thanks Avitable for making me jump out my seat this morning after opening my reader. That guy scares me. Literally. I’m scared.
I don’t get the gauges either. I look at all these twenty something guys with their ear lobes dangling down by their shoulders and I think “What are you going to do when you realize that looks stupid?”. Seriously. What are they gonna do? Is there some kind of corrective surgery? Those damn plastic surgeons are never going to be short of work.
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@Carolyn, maybe it’s a conspiracy by plastic surgeons!
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I know people are going to disagree with me but whatever, it’s been done before. I strive to be pretty…not perfect, not to the point of plastic surgery enhancements…just pretty. I think that tons of tattoos and piercings are counter intuitive to that goal therefore I’ve never really followed through with my sometimes desire to get a cupcake tattoo.
I’m not saying that people who have tattoos and piercings are ugly…let’s get that out of the way right now. I guess I just want to be seen for all of the beauty that I naturally have inside and out rather than being marked up in some effort to be different or rebellious.
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Twitter: msmegan
, August 28th, 2009: 9:57 AM
@Hilly, I agree. I know, quelle suprise. I have a tattoo, but just one and I think it’s subtle. And there is meaning attached to it. I have no desire for another.
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@Hilly, actually, I think a cupcake tattoo would be cool because it would be something that had meaning to you.
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I love my tattoo, have never regretted it even though I have to explain the meaning. I know what it means and that’s what’s important.
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@Summer, exactly – as long as it has a meaning to you.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
What if I just cut off my ear? Oh wait…
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@Finn, pfft, lemming.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
But you said my tattoo was classy! Damn you. Wahhhhh!
I don’t really “love” my tattoo but that’s only because it’s not done as well as it could have been. I plan on getting it re-done and expanded.
I think being covered in tattoos can be kinda creepy but I also think some tattoos are hot.
My idiot exBIL got a frickin’ yin yang tattoo on his upper arm when he was in high school. It looks really really stupid.
My BFF’s tattoos are hot though.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), like I said, if the tattoo has a meaning, that really is different. Doing them just because they’re hot – that’s stupid.
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I always thought body modifications would make more sense if they had a purpose, like installing a hat rack on your head, or a gun rack across your shoulder blades.
When I was young, I considered a tattoo until all of my friends got one. Then I opted out so I would be the unique one. Then I told somebody that and she responded “And if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do so too?”, thus confirming my belief that she was only listening to enough of my words to miss the point.
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@Grant, that means she was just trying to get in your pants. You missed out!
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hahaha
totally agree. Love thenew suggestions too
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@christie, I should market the rib cage terrarium for sale.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I think I’m going to express my uniqueness and individualism by not getting any tats or piercings. Of course I could never get a job at Starbucks that way, but oh well.
NBA player Marquis Daniels has Chinese characters tattoo on his arm that he thought represented his initials. Turns out they say “healthy woman roof.” The fact that he’s an NBA douche bag makes that extra hilarious to me.
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@Jay, that’s hysterical.
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That picture makes me want to scream in not a good way. And BTW, you are so cute when you’re ranty!
I’ve always thought of getting a tattoo on my right hip of my name in Ancient Filipino Script. Just my first name though — you know, in case I marry my pretend boyfriend Gerard Butler and change my last name again. Hey, you never know.
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@Nenette, “Nen Butler” does have a nice ring to it.
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I want to have a little digital message board implanted on my forehead. It could be hooked up to my brainwaves so what I think shows up on the board….like
Dear Customer: Your kid is a menace!
Dear Waitress: You ROCK. I’m leaving you a big tip.
Dear Mom: I’m 52! Stop treating me like a child!
Hockeyman and I are going on a fieldtrip to watch the pierced dude go through the metal detector at OIA.
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, that is genius – then we wouldn’t have to waste the effort talking to those people!
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every time the chef with the multiple face piercings comes on screen (jamie?) my husband says, “take that shit out of your face!”
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@mommymae, well, she’s ugly, too, so she just looks even more hideous with the piercings.
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
I have tattoos, but I got mine before it was cool. Won’t stop me from getting another tho.
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@Tracy Lynn, I know that you’re just biding your time before getting my face tattooed on your ass.
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Dude! I so want to have an Etch a Sketch embedded into my chest! Sweet!
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@SiteInsights, I’ll put you on the waiting list.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I don’t want to be unique any more, if this is what it takes to be unique in Avitable’s eyes. And are there any other sets of eyes worth being unique to? No.
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@muskrat, you’re unique just because of that hot, hot ass.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
I saw a dude with a gaint pot leaf on his neck at a Ziggy Marley concert. That’s all I remember about the concert. I kept imagining that guy at interview.
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@GrandeMocha, I’m sure there’s a lawn care business that would allow him to run the edger.
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Here, here! I’m with you on this. There are so many wonderful – and yet thankfully impermanent – ways to express your creativity and individuality. I’ve never understood why you’d want to mar your body for all time just to add to those options.
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@Atomic Bombshell, I think it would be okay if it means that much to you. But other than that, it’s just stupid.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
I’m totally getting my ass cheeks pierced together now.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, can I help?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
what the hell is a split tongue?!
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@Faiqa, you’ve never heard of it? It’s these fucking idiots who actually split their tongues in half, lengthwise.
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Twitter: alimartell
says:
I’m pretty sure #6 was already done by Sid in Toy STory. It’s not original anymore
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@ali, I’m sad that you know the names of the supporting characters in Toy Story like that.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
What about that Jonna chick from The Real World who put a diamond into her left ring finger? And then took it out and dumped the guy she was going to be with for the rest of her life? Yah…
Porn star Jenna Jameson did something with diamonds under her skin too, I think.
Anyway, I really don’t want anything permanently lodged inside of me. It’s not me… it’s not what I need to express myself.
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@Poppy, no Etch a Sketch for you, then.
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Where can I meet a man with a split tongue?
I don’t think we have any men like that here in The OC!
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@Twenty Four At Heart, they usually still live with their parents.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
I have several tattoos and I love them all. They are part of me, they each represent something to me, and I don’t feel the need to explain or rationalize them to anyone. The more radical stuff doesn’t appeal to me, but to each his own. If they want to get their ears resized later, that’s up to them. This is that time of year in Reno when all the freaks come out to play on their way out to the Black Rock for Burning Man, so there’s a lot to see right now!
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@floating princess, I don’t feel like humanity would lose a lot of its momentum if Burning Man swallowed all of its participants into the ground never to be seen again.
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I have 3 tattoos. I regret one of them. I will agree that tattoos, and body piercing has become very trendy. It is now becoming “look at what I did”, which makes the reasons and stories about the tattoos less meaningful.
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@Becky, do you regret the one of my balls that you have tattooed on your left breast? I love that one!
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HEY! I happen to know a FABULOUS chica that has the same chinese symbol as I do. What are you saying?
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@Kristin, but that means something very important to her. That’s okay. I like her tattoos.
But the barbed wire armband tat? That’s stupid.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i want a ribcage terrarium…does that make me a joiner?
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@hello haha narf, nope. You’d be a trendsetter!
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Part of my theory on body mutilations and extreme piercings is that it’s nature’s way of over-population control.
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@whall, yup. I agree.
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It’s official. I love you.
I never understood any of that crap either. And why is it that I’m the weird one for not wanting a tattoo?
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