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The Next Best Thing

piercingThe most recent season of Top Chef has taught me something. There are too many people out there who think they have to rebel against someone. They think that they can be unique by doing the same things that everyone else who rebels is doing. And for some reason, mutilating your own body for the “lofty” goal of self-expression is the form of rebellion that these individualistic lemming group thinkers choose.

Let me be frank. I don’t really understand most tattoos. Injecting ink under your skin that fades and stretches and disappears – okay, I can see doing that if you have a real message or if it really means something to you. But the people with the tribal armbands and Chinese characters that they don’t understand – what’s the point?

Tattoos have become so mainstream, though, that the idiots out there need to take it to a new level and start piercing. People who put such huge gauges in their ears that they physically distort a part of their body are stupid. I’ve seen small gauges, and I guess if that floats your boat, I think it’s weird, but what the fuck ever. But to have a hole in your fucking ear so big that Dumbo could fly through it? You’re trying too hard.

What’s next, though? People have silicon shapes injected into their bodies, they lace up their bodies like a pair of smelly shoes, they insert large pieces of metal into any part of the body that can take them. But they’re still not unique. At all. These followers are the worst of them all, because they think they’re expressing themselves. What they’re really doing is following the crowd. The crowd decides that everyone’s gauging their ears, they do it. Everyone’s piercing their cheeks . . . done. Everyone’s splitting their tongues, and the line for that shop is out the door.

Be unique, you fuckleheads. Why not try some of the following activities to express your true individuality?

  1. Remove a section of your rib cage and skin and replace it with a lucite terrarium. The power for it runs in a wire along your back, plugged directly into a battery pack which has been inserted into the fatty tissue of your left butt cheek. You can choose any type of animal to put in your terrarium, but cooler animals like chameleons, snakes, poison frogs, and those moths from Silence of the Lambs are all of the rage.
  2. Some of the fattiest tissue on the human body is in the ass. Why not pierce your ass cheeks together with a large piece? This can be especially unique if you get the optional accessory that hangs off the side and can hold a roll of toilet paper.
  3. The holographic message cube can be easily programmed via USB through your computer. All you have to do is program a message just for you, using millions of colors to form complex graphics, animations, and visuals. Then use a grapefruit spoon to scoop out your eye (you choose which one), and firmly lodge the message cube in the empty socket. Make sure to add batteries before sticking it in, because it can be tricky to get it back out again.
  4. Why not let your body allow others to express themselves? Using various surgical techniques, you can have your chest from nipple to nipple to sternum removed and replaced with an Etch a Sketch, a dry erase board, or that thing with all the little pins that you can use to make your own relief art. Your message can change every day or you can allow passers by or that employer on your next interview at McDonald’s to express themselves.
  5. Split tongues are so 2009. It’s time to split your body. By carefully slicing your body vertically with a large machete, there’s no need for the best machete either, the handle of a paper cutter can do too, you can create two halves of your body that you can then pierce back together using any manner of customized metalwork. For a great treat, leave a 2-3 inch gap when you put yourself together so that people can see through you! They’ll think you’re the coolest guy in the world!
  6. The final way for you to be individualistic and not follow the crowd is to travel to the rural areas of China to practice head switching. A poorly trained surgeon will sever your head and an appendage of your choice and swap them! Imagine having your head resting on your right arm while your hand waves to you from the comfort of your neck stump. Cool, huh?
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91 Replies to “The Next Best Thing”

    • Avitable

      @B.E. Earl, that’s because you’re older and that’s very true for your generation. Look at the fucking idiots in their 20s and 30s who have tattoos now. Most of them don’t have any message at all other than “That looks cool!”

  1. Sybil Law

    That picture makes me want to vomit. UGH!
    Most of the time, I really think tattoos are pretty stupid, too. Rarely do they have any real, deep meaning other than, “I like flowers!”, or whatever. Some people, though, can pull them off and they don’t bother me at all. However, people completely covered like that guy, and pierced beyond belief, just make me want to hurl. I feel sorry for that guy – if it’s even a guy!
    I am all about the body part swapping. What about just getting extra appendages?! More arms to do what needs to be done! But then I’d have no excuse to be lazy. Dammit!

  2. Blondefabulous

    My husband has his initials, an old girlfriend’s name, and an art piece from our wedding as tats. He regrets the name every day and what a drunk dumbass he was to get it. The wedding piece is the ship from in front of the Treasure Island casino where we got married with the date of the wedding underneath. He was going to get my name underneath as well, but I stopped him and said “Why do you want to curse us like that?”

    As for piercings….. I just don’t get it.

  3. Nobody™

    I couldn’t agree more. Things that really meant something to me 10 years I couldn’t care less about now, I’m glad I didn’t have them permanently inked into my skin. And what about these douche bags with the huge diamond studs in their ears? How gay is that?

  4. Hockeyman

    I bet that dude looks funny when he has to take all that crap out at the airport. I’m thinking of replacing my hair with snakes like Medusa. Jst waiting to hear back from Bosley and the hair club.

  5. Carolyn

    First of all, thanks Avitable for making me jump out my seat this morning after opening my reader. That guy scares me. Literally. I’m scared.

    I don’t get the gauges either. I look at all these twenty something guys with their ear lobes dangling down by their shoulders and I think “What are you going to do when you realize that looks stupid?”. Seriously. What are they gonna do? Is there some kind of corrective surgery? Those damn plastic surgeons are never going to be short of work.

  6. Hilly

    I know people are going to disagree with me but whatever, it’s been done before. I strive to be pretty…not perfect, not to the point of plastic surgery enhancements…just pretty. I think that tons of tattoos and piercings are counter intuitive to that goal therefore I’ve never really followed through with my sometimes desire to get a cupcake tattoo.

    I’m not saying that people who have tattoos and piercings are ugly…let’s get that out of the way right now. I guess I just want to be seen for all of the beauty that I naturally have inside and out rather than being marked up in some effort to be different or rebellious.

  7. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    But you said my tattoo was classy! Damn you. Wahhhhh!

    I don’t really “love” my tattoo but that’s only because it’s not done as well as it could have been. I plan on getting it re-done and expanded.

    I think being covered in tattoos can be kinda creepy but I also think some tattoos are hot.

    My idiot exBIL got a frickin’ yin yang tattoo on his upper arm when he was in high school. It looks really really stupid.

    My BFF’s tattoos are hot though.

  8. Grant

    I always thought body modifications would make more sense if they had a purpose, like installing a hat rack on your head, or a gun rack across your shoulder blades.

    When I was young, I considered a tattoo until all of my friends got one. Then I opted out so I would be the unique one. Then I told somebody that and she responded “And if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do so too?”, thus confirming my belief that she was only listening to enough of my words to miss the point.

  9. Jay

    I think I’m going to express my uniqueness and individualism by not getting any tats or piercings. Of course I could never get a job at Starbucks that way, but oh well.

    NBA player Marquis Daniels has Chinese characters tattoo on his arm that he thought represented his initials. Turns out they say “healthy woman roof.” The fact that he’s an NBA douche bag makes that extra hilarious to me.

  10. Nenette

    That picture makes me want to scream in not a good way. And BTW, you are so cute when you’re ranty! 🙂
    I’ve always thought of getting a tattoo on my right hip of my name in Ancient Filipino Script. Just my first name though — you know, in case I marry my pretend boyfriend Gerard Butler and change my last name again. Hey, you never know.

  11. Little Miss Sunshine State

    I want to have a little digital message board implanted on my forehead. It could be hooked up to my brainwaves so what I think shows up on the board….like
    Dear Customer: Your kid is a menace!
    Dear Waitress: You ROCK. I’m leaving you a big tip.
    Dear Mom: I’m 52! Stop treating me like a child!

    Hockeyman and I are going on a fieldtrip to watch the pierced dude go through the metal detector at OIA.

  12. GrandeMocha

    I saw a dude with a gaint pot leaf on his neck at a Ziggy Marley concert. That’s all I remember about the concert. I kept imagining that guy at interview.

  13. Atomic Bombshell

    Here, here! I’m with you on this. There are so many wonderful – and yet thankfully impermanent – ways to express your creativity and individuality. I’ve never understood why you’d want to mar your body for all time just to add to those options.

  14. Poppy

    What about that Jonna chick from The Real World who put a diamond into her left ring finger? And then took it out and dumped the guy she was going to be with for the rest of her life? Yah…

    Porn star Jenna Jameson did something with diamonds under her skin too, I think.

    Anyway, I really don’t want anything permanently lodged inside of me. It’s not me… it’s not what I need to express myself.

  15. floating princess

    I have several tattoos and I love them all. They are part of me, they each represent something to me, and I don’t feel the need to explain or rationalize them to anyone. The more radical stuff doesn’t appeal to me, but to each his own. If they want to get their ears resized later, that’s up to them. This is that time of year in Reno when all the freaks come out to play on their way out to the Black Rock for Burning Man, so there’s a lot to see right now!

  16. Becky

    I have 3 tattoos. I regret one of them. I will agree that tattoos, and body piercing has become very trendy. It is now becoming “look at what I did”, which makes the reasons and stories about the tattoos less meaningful.

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