The most recent season of Top Chef has taught me something. There are too many people out there who think they have to rebel against someone. They think that they can be unique by doing the same things that everyone else who rebels is doing. And for some reason, mutilating your own body for the “lofty” goal of self-expression is the form of rebellion that these individualistic lemming group thinkers choose.
Let me be frank. I don’t really understand most tattoos. Injecting ink under your skin that fades and stretches and disappears – okay, I can see doing that if you have a real message or if it really means something to you. But the people with the tribal armbands and Chinese characters that they don’t understand – what’s the point?
Tattoos have become so mainstream, though, that the idiots out there need to take it to a new level and start piercing. People who put such huge gauges in their ears that they physically distort a part of their body are stupid. I’ve seen small gauges, and I guess if that floats your boat, I think it’s weird, but what the fuck ever. But to have a hole in your fucking ear so big that Dumbo could fly through it? You’re trying too hard.
What’s next, though? People have silicon shapes injected into their bodies, they lace up their bodies like a pair of smelly shoes, they insert large pieces of metal into any part of the body that can take them. But they’re still not unique. At all. These followers are the worst of them all, because they think they’re expressing themselves. What they’re really doing is following the crowd. The crowd decides that everyone’s gauging their ears, they do it. Everyone’s piercing their cheeks . . . done. Everyone’s splitting their tongues, and the line for that shop is out the door.
Be unique, you fuckleheads. Why not try some of the following activities to express your true individuality?
- Remove a section of your rib cage and skin and replace it with a lucite terrarium. The power for it runs in a wire along your back, plugged directly into a battery pack which has been inserted into the fatty tissue of your left butt cheek. You can choose any type of animal to put in your terrarium, but cooler animals like chameleons, snakes, poison frogs, and those moths from Silence of the Lambs are all of the rage.
- Some of the fattiest tissue on the human body is in the ass. Why not pierce your ass cheeks together with a large piece? This can be especially unique if you get the optional accessory that hangs off the side and can hold a roll of toilet paper.
- The holographic message cube can be easily programmed via USB through your computer. All you have to do is program a message just for you, using millions of colors to form complex graphics, animations, and visuals. Then use a grapefruit spoon to scoop out your eye (you choose which one), and firmly lodge the message cube in the empty socket. Make sure to add batteries before sticking it in, because it can be tricky to get it back out again.
- Why not let your body allow others to express themselves? Using various surgical techniques, you can have your chest from nipple to nipple to sternum removed and replaced with an Etch a Sketch, a dry erase board, or that thing with all the little pins that you can use to make your own relief art. Your message can change every day or you can allow passers by or that employer on your next interview at McDonald’s to express themselves.
- Split tongues are so 2009. It’s time to split your body. By carefully slicing your body vertically with a large machete, there’s no need for the best machete either, the handle of a paper cutter can do too, you can create two halves of your body that you can then pierce back together using any manner of customized metalwork. For a great treat, leave a 2-3 inch gap when you put yourself together so that people can see through you! They’ll think you’re the coolest guy in the world!
- The final way for you to be individualistic and not follow the crowd is to travel to the rural areas of China to practice head switching. A poorly trained surgeon will sever your head and an appendage of your choice and swap them! Imagine having your head resting on your right arm while your hand waves to you from the comfort of your neck stump. Cool, huh?