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What Not to Name Your Baby

A post over at Mental Floss (great site and great magazine, by the way) listed 6 baby names that you probably shouldn’t use, including Batman, Eclipse Glasses, and Adolf.

I thought I’d add to this helpful advice for the mother- and father-to-be and list off some more names that you really shouldn’t use for your newborn’s name.

  • Bruise Punchface
  • Heyyoulittlefucker
  • Phagit
  • Underwear
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
  • Hubert
  • Eunice
  • Fishysmell Tunapants
  • Soup, although Boyardee is perfectly acceptable
  • Lemonjello, Orangejello, or anything else you can get from your pantry (eg Browniemix)
  • Moist
  • iPod
  • Scout
  • Glasgow, Baghdad, or Moscow
  • Flanders

And just in case I just picked all of the names you were just thinking about choosing, here are some names that are not only acceptable, they’re kick ass!

  • Optimus Prime
  • Kal El (yes, I know, don’t tell me that Nic Cage named his kid that. I’m not a fucking moron.)
  • Killer
  • Thor
  • Deus Ex
  • Max Power
  • Cheetara
  • Einstein

Go forth. Be fruitful. Multiply. And don’t come up with a douchey name for your kid, okay?

In other Avita-news, we need your vacation photos! Not just any photos, though. We need specific vacation photos that show you and/or your family standing in front of something. Whether it’s Niagara Falls, the world’s largest ball of twine, or just some picturesque scenery, we need photos! If you send in a photo of you, with or without your family, standing in front of touristy shit, we will use that photo as part of the decorations for the huge 2009 Halloween Party! Just email me at adam (at) avitable (dot) com with the photo as an attachment, or use the form below. You don’t have to be attending to participate, and the more people who submit, the more fun it will be!

Send me your vacation photo below. This is not the form to leave a comment, my delicately retarded friends.

This is not the comment form. Scroll down to leave a comment. This form above is ONLY if you want to submit a vacation photo for the party.

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94 Replies to “What Not to Name Your Baby”

  1. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    Is “funnily” a word? I’m not sure but I really want to use it right now. Since I’m not sure and don’t want to google it, I’ll use the word “ironically” even though I’m not sure if it’s ironic or not but dammit I’m writing this comment if it fucking kills me.


    “Ironically” enough, my mother used to work in the OB/GYN clinic of a major hospital. One of their patients had to go on in-hospital bed rest when she was pregnant. The lady had twins that she named “Orangejello” and “Limejello” because she ate it all the time in the hospital.

    Another woman named her daughter Dorito Lasagna because those were the two biggest cravings she had while pregnant.

    Another girl named her baby Urethra because she heard someone talking in the next cubicle over when she was in the exam waiting area in Labor and Delivery. She thought they were talking about baby names. Clearly they were not.

    I could go on and on with the shit people name their kids. It’s fucking insane.

  2. Kim

    My cousin had a friend who had twin daughters named Breezy May and Rainy April. For real.
    Seems like nowadays everyone’s kid is named Chicken, Boo or Princess or some shit like that. Or maybe that’s just on the interwebz.

  3. CP

    As a nurse, I have seen some whack ass baby names come out of the Labor and Delivery area of the hospital that I used to work at. One was Peaches Golden. Another? Tangerine Dream…yes, like the 70’s band. Also saw a little boy named Journey…last name Long. Back 10 years ago when I did clinical rounds there, there was a little girl named Noxema. The craziest one I ever saw was Jose Cuervo Hernandez. They called him JC. Yeah. Love being a nurse. Privvy to the funniest things in the world.

  4. flutter

    Max Power, that’s the man who’s name you’d love to touch,

    but you musn’t touch!

    That name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it,

    you musn’t fear.

    ‘Cause that name could be said by anyone!

  5. Dee

    I used to work for a guy named Thor – he was a right royal tosser, so it’s spoiled the name forever for me.

    Hmmm, is it spoiled or spoilt? I’m too lazy to go check.

  6. Poppy

    Defensive much? I was not going to say anything at all about Kal El, but now that I see what a huge Nic Cage fan you are I’m going to, like, totally make fun of your Valley Girl accent.

    I like to tie lots of references together at once.

    Oh, and nice tights.

  7. Hilly

    “Max Power” is the awesome. I love how I find it socially acceptable to use any reference from *that* show yet shudder at the thought that someone has named their kid Kal-El, which is odd because I also love Kal-El.

    Hrm, well maybe I just love Tom Welling with his shirt off.

  8. Johnny

    I ran into two kids in middle school named “Ben Dover” and “Mike Hunt.” I never thought any parents would be cruel/clueless enough to pick those names, but then I ran into real world examples. It was particularly funny when a girl came over to us asking if we knew where “Mike Hunt” was.

  9. Kim

    Well, damn, I am one of those retarded people who left you a comment in your photo submission form! Durr!

    As I said, my husband and I were talking about potential baby names last night for when we (hopefully) have our next child. Our son was wearing his beloved Transformers shirt and I suggested that we name our next son Optimus Prime. My husband laughed and said that there are probably already 1,000 kids named that. I wonder if he is correct?

  10. mapsgirl

    True story: My friend’s aunt is a bus driver. In the first week of school, all the kids had their names on their backpacks (this was a while ago before people stopped doing that for safety reasons). She saw one kids backpack and thought the other kids were playing a trick. She followed the kid to sort out the name tag problem. But she stopped when the teacher called his name. It’s pronounced Sha-theed…but spelled Shithead.

  11. GrandeMocha

    My friend has a niece “Minyian”. I don’t know how they say it but all I can think of is “evil minions”.

    I went to elementary school with twins named Bambi & Candi. I’ll bet they turned out to be strippers or porn stars.

    I went to high school with Jack Daniels and Mohamed Ali. That’s just mean.

  12. Zach

    in ecuador it isn´t uncommon for children to be named after great soccer victories: Emelec 2 – Barcelona 1 Agosto 2007. I can only assume the glorious victory played some part in creating the pregnancy. In honor of this tradition we named the cat: Liga Campeon del Copa Libertadores 2008 in honor of our favorite team winning an all South America tournamen (but call her Romina for short). Other names found here: Remington (from the classic show Remington Steele, which came out here only about 10 yrs ago), Usnavy (either the mom saw a US Navy ship and liked it or, if the kid pops out a little fairer that the average, poppa was a sailor) and my personal favorite: Michael Jackson. As in Michael Jackson Quinyones, one of the national soccer league’s better forwards. Just say it again: Michael Jackson Quinyones. Rolls off the tongue, no?

  13. Becky

    My last name is Kirk. When we found out I was having a boy, it was me against Travis and my dad about the name James T. I refused, and since I have a Seth now, I won. But the topic still comes up ALL THE TIME.

    “Delicately retarded friends” is now my new favorite saying.

  14. Undomestic Diva

    GOD DAMMIT. You know I don’t follow directions. Now I have to re-submit my comment in the appropriate field rather than by sending it to your vacation photo la-la-land. Sigh.

    Two questions:

    Can heyyoulittlefucker be a nickname? ‘Cause at any given moment, it’s a highly appropriate moniker for any one of my three boys.


    Can I name my 4th son Optimus Crime instead of Optimus Prime? heyyoulittlefucker insists it’s Optimus CRIME not PRIME and frankly, I’m too tired to argue with the kid.

    Let me know.

  15. Atomic Bombshell

    Our poor newborn will never have any idea what his real name is. Heaven knows we never call him by his given name. However, when brainstorming for ideas, we decided Tyler Skyler Eiler would have been fun. We also liked the straightforwardness of Dude as a first name. My husband wanted Luke so he could say “I am your father.” And you have no idea how many times I call the kid Kal-El in any given week.

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