What Not to Name Your Baby
A post over at Mental Floss (great site and great magazine, by the way) listed 6 baby names that you probably shouldn't use, including Batman, Eclipse Glasses, and Adolf.
I thought I'd add to this helpful advice for the mother- and father-to-be and list off some more names that you really shouldn't use for your newborn's name.
- Bruise Punchface
- Heyyoulittlefucker
- Phagit
- Underwear
- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
- Hubert
- Eunice
- Fishysmell Tunapants
- Soup, although Boyardee is perfectly acceptable
- Lemonjello, Orangejello, or anything else you can get from your pantry (eg Browniemix)
- Moist
- iPod
- Scout
- Glasgow, Baghdad, or Moscow
- Flanders
And just in case I just picked all of the names you were just thinking about choosing, here are some names that are not only acceptable, they're kick ass!
- Optimus Prime
- Kal El (yes, I know, don't tell me that Nic Cage named his kid that. I'm not a fucking moron.)
- Killer
- Thor
- Deus Ex
- Max Power
- Cheetara
- Einstein
Go forth. Be fruitful. Multiply. And don't come up with a douchey name for your kid, okay?
In other Avita-news, we need your vacation photos! Not just any photos, though. We need specific vacation photos that show you and/or your family standing in front of something. Whether it's Niagara Falls, the world's largest ball of twine, or just some picturesque scenery, we need photos! If you send in a photo of you, with or without your family, standing in front of touristy shit, we will use that photo as part of the decorations for the huge 2009 Halloween Party! Just email me at adam (at) avitable (dot) com with the photo as an attachment, or use the form below. You don't have to be attending to participate, and the more people who submit, the more fun it will be!
Send me your vacation photo below. This is not the form to leave a comment, my delicately retarded friends.
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Posted in 
Is "funnily" a word? I'm not sure but I really want to use it right now. Since I'm not sure and don't want to google it, I'll use the word "ironically" even though I'm not sure if it's ironic or not but dammit I'm writing this comment if it fucking kills me.
Anyhoo.
"Ironically" enough, my mother used to work in the OB/GYN clinic of a major hospital. One of their patients had to go on in-hospital bed rest when she was pregnant. The lady had twins that she named "Orangejello" and "Limejello" because she ate it all the time in the hospital.
Another woman named her daughter Dorito Lasagna because those were the two biggest cravings she had while pregnant.
Another girl named her baby Urethra because she heard someone talking in the next cubicle over when she was in the exam waiting area in Labor and Delivery. She thought they were talking about baby names. Clearly they were not.
I could go on and on with the shit people name their kids. It's fucking insane.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I know too many people who name their kids fucked up names. I also need to get my ass off the internet (and your blog) and go to bed but we can't all have our druthers now can we?
Anyway.
This kid in my niece's class (she has a "unique" name too – it's Echo). So, this kid in my niece's class – her name is Your Majesty. No joke.
Now I'm going away. And hopefully to bed.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Dorito Lasagna is an awesome name!
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I've heard of kids being named Placenta because the moms thought it was pretty, too.
Fucksticks.
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I'm pretty sure I just fucked up and sent this comment where photos are supposed to go. Second try: We have friends with a son named Thor.
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@Staceylt, yes you did. You and Sheila were sharing a retarded brain apparently.
And that kid had better grow up to become awesome!
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P.S. I really hope I am not the only one who almost typed their comment in the email box for Avitaween.
Damn – I'm really proving my intelligence here, aren't I?!
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), And by "almost" I mean that I did and it was almost emailed to you. I'm shutting the fuck up now. you're welcome.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), You aren't. I actually did it and sent it.
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@Staceylt, I was literally just about to hit send and then second guessed myself. Twice. It took an entire inner debate to decide if I was in the right spot or not.
Dammit Adam! I shouldn't need GPS just to leave a freakin' comment!
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My cousin had a friend who had twin daughters named Breezy May and Rainy April. For real.
Seems like nowadays everyone's kid is named Chicken, Boo or Princess or some shit like that. Or maybe that's just on the interwebz.
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@Kim, I think that might just be what people call their kids on the internet as pseudonyms.
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@Avitable, I know…. I was trying to be all witty and stuff. You can just call me " e- lame ".
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@Kim, oh. Oops. Heh.
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As a nurse, I have seen some whack ass baby names come out of the Labor and Delivery area of the hospital that I used to work at. One was Peaches Golden. Another? Tangerine Dream…yes, like the 70's band. Also saw a little boy named Journey…last name Long. Back 10 years ago when I did clinical rounds there, there was a little girl named Noxema. The craziest one I ever saw was Jose Cuervo Hernandez. They called him JC. Yeah. Love being a nurse. Privvy to the funniest things in the world.
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@CP, Tangerine Dream – that girl turned out to be a stripper or an actress.
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Max Power, that's the man who's name you'd love to touch,
but you musn't touch!
That name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it,
you musn't fear.
'Cause that name could be said by anyone!
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@flutter, Hank Scorpio is the second coolest name from The Simpsons.
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I found out yesterday that Jermaine Jackson named his son Jermajesty. I can't quite figure out if it's the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. Depends on my mood, I think.
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@Shane, well, it's better than Jermasturbation.
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Thought you and your readers might enjoy this:
http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/names.asp
They actually mention Orangello! LOL
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@CP, some of those are great names, too.
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Nothing from my pantry? There goes Porknbeans.
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@Lynda, I suppose if you wanted to name your child Shakenbake, that might be okay.
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@Avitable, Yeah, but that's a boy's name. What if I have a girl? I guess I'll have to look at the fruit bowl like Gwyneth Paltrow did.
"Do you want bows in your hair today, Banana?"
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I used to work for a guy named Thor – he was a right royal tosser, so it's spoiled the name forever for me.
Hmmm, is it spoiled or spoilt? I'm too lazy to go check.
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@Dee, what about Zeus, then?
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ack! posted to the wrong form!
don't forget "adam" in the what not to name your baby!
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@sudobeer, this is true – I'm on a quest to kill all other Adams in the world. There can be only one!
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Dammit. I always wanted to call my firstborn son Ramen.
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@Badass Geek, that's only allowed if you name your first-born daughter Noodles.
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Defensive much? I was not going to say anything at all about Kal El, but now that I see what a huge Nic Cage fan you are I'm going to, like, totally make fun of your Valley Girl accent.
I like to tie lots of references together at once.
Oh, and nice tights.
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@Poppy, I'm a huge Nic Cage fan but Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms.
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"Max Power" is the awesome. I love how I find it socially acceptable to use any reference from *that* show yet shudder at the thought that someone has named their kid Kal-El, which is odd because I also love Kal-El.
Hrm, well maybe I just love Tom Welling with his shirt off.
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@Hilly, "Kal El" has to be said with a British accent for it to be cool, I think. A southern drawl would just ruin it. "Kyallll Ehlllll".
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Can I trump Nic Cage and shoot for Jor-El?
Otherwise I'm totally with you on douchy names. Some parents need to be slapped.
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@kapgar, Jor-El is fine but only if your baby has white hair.
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I ran into two kids in middle school named "Ben Dover" and "Mike Hunt." I never thought any parents would be cruel/clueless enough to pick those names, but then I ran into real world examples. It was particularly funny when a girl came over to us asking if we knew where "Mike Hunt" was.
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@Johnny, at least she wasn't looking for Mike Ockinyourmouth.
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Tom Machina wakes up every day cursing his parents for not naming him Deus Ex.
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@B.E. Earl, or at least Rage.
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But what about Chesty LaRue?!
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@Sybil Law, or Tits McGee?
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@Avitable, Now all I can think of is Cletus yelling out all his kids' names….
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You know what's funny? Nicholas Cage named his kid Kal El!
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@whall, pfft. At least it's not "Whall"!
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Well, damn, I am one of those retarded people who left you a comment in your photo submission form! Durr!
As I said, my husband and I were talking about potential baby names last night for when we (hopefully) have our next child. Our son was wearing his beloved Transformers shirt and I suggested that we name our next son Optimus Prime. My husband laughed and said that there are probably already 1,000 kids named that. I wonder if he is correct?
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@Kim, like I said in my email, I think Megatron might be even better!
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True story: My friend's aunt is a bus driver. In the first week of school, all the kids had their names on their backpacks (this was a while ago before people stopped doing that for safety reasons). She saw one kids backpack and thought the other kids were playing a trick. She followed the kid to sort out the name tag problem. But she stopped when the teacher called his name. It's pronounced Sha-theed…but spelled Shithead.
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@mapsgirl, no way. What parents could be that retarded or mean?
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My friend has a niece "Minyian". I don't know how they say it but all I can think of is "evil minions".
I went to elementary school with twins named Bambi & Candi. I'll bet they turned out to be strippers or porn stars.
I went to high school with Jack Daniels and Mohamed Ali. That's just mean.
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@GrandeMocha, I'd like a minion, too!
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@Avitable, Maybe with cultural/language differences they might not have known what they were really doing to that child
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@mapsgirl, as long as we get a chuckle out of it, that's all that matters!
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What's wrong with Scout??
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@Miss Britt, I love Scout. I named one of my dogs Scout.
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@Miss Britt, I actually don't mind it. I threw it in there to see if anyone said anything about it.
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My 5 year old nephew told his mom he wanted to change his name to Assassin…. lol
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@christie, "ass" for short?
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Oh fuck. Just call me Jethro.
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@lceel, it's clear to me that the computer is a dangerous tool in your hands!
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in ecuador it isn´t uncommon for children to be named after great soccer victories: Emelec 2 – Barcelona 1 Agosto 2007. I can only assume the glorious victory played some part in creating the pregnancy. In honor of this tradition we named the cat: Liga Campeon del Copa Libertadores 2008 in honor of our favorite team winning an all South America tournamen (but call her Romina for short). Other names found here: Remington (from the classic show Remington Steele, which came out here only about 10 yrs ago), Usnavy (either the mom saw a US Navy ship and liked it or, if the kid pops out a little fairer that the average, poppa was a sailor) and my personal favorite: Michael Jackson. As in Michael Jackson Quinyones, one of the national soccer league's better forwards. Just say it again: Michael Jackson Quinyones. Rolls off the tongue, no?
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@Zach, Remington is an awesome name.
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@Avitable, My husband's dad fought to name him Remington Winchester, but instead his mom won and named him William. LAME.
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How do you rate my personal favorite, Fetus Cheese?
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@Grant, I give it a thumbs up.
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Those are some crazy names! I knew a girl called Unique, and I thought her name was funny
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@Jenny, why does your name say Jenny but your email say Ken Henry? Are you a spammer?
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@Jenny, No i am not a spammer. If i was i would do a better job of matching my name and email. am i would have used a cool name like Mehnart.
I am at my dads office, using his computer and his email.
Jenny
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Deus Ex? WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU WHEN I WAS PREGNANT?
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@Finn, you could always change his name!
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My last name is Kirk. When we found out I was having a boy, it was me against Travis and my dad about the name James T. I refused, and since I have a Seth now, I won. But the topic still comes up ALL THE TIME.
"Delicately retarded friends" is now my new favorite saying.
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@Becky, how could you refuse such an awesome name? That would have been amazing.
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@Avitable,
I knew you'd be on their side. It must be a boy thing.
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@Becky, no it's a genius thing! Heh.
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As soon as I read the title, I just knew Lemonjello and Orangejello would surface sooner or later.
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@Darryl, those are the best urban legends out there.
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GOD DAMMIT. You know I don't follow directions. Now I have to re-submit my comment in the appropriate field rather than by sending it to your vacation photo la-la-land. Sigh.
Two questions:
Can heyyoulittlefucker be a nickname? 'Cause at any given moment, it's a highly appropriate moniker for any one of my three boys.
And,
Can I name my 4th son Optimus Crime instead of Optimus Prime? heyyoulittlefucker insists it's Optimus CRIME not PRIME and frankly, I'm too tired to argue with the kid.
Let me know.
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@Undomestic Diva, I think that's a perfectly acceptable nickname, and Optimus Crime is cool, but maybe just stick with Megatron!
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I bought a raffle ticket. Because I like you.
Also? Grossweiner. A name that is actually in the baby book I got at my baby shower. You're welcome.
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@Miss Grace, thanks for buying a ticket! And wow – any baby named that might as well just commit suicide as soon as they can hold the knife.
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Our poor newborn will never have any idea what his real name is. Heaven knows we never call him by his given name. However, when brainstorming for ideas, we decided Tyler Skyler Eiler would have been fun. We also liked the straightforwardness of Dude as a first name. My husband wanted Luke so he could say "I am your father." And you have no idea how many times I call the kid Kal-El in any given week.
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@Atomic Bombshell, I love that you call him Kal-El.
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So what do you say about my son Thor Hubert and my daughter Cheetara Moist? Could it be so wrong it's right?
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@Carolyn, that's when you pretend that middle names just don't exist!
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I love the name Thor. We joked that if Peanut was a boy we'd name him Thor Rainhammer.
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@Lauren, Rainhammer is an outstanding first or middle name.
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I was trying to stealth a 'power' onto the birth certificate (My son is called Max), but the wife came to the registry office and foiled my attempt. She also put the block on Trent Steel, Stone and Ardley (as in hardly insert surname).
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@SingleParentDad, you should have been sneakier.
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Well, there goes my baby name list. Though considering I never lose the wait from the first two, I should probably shut down the factory right now, or else consider a career as a carnie.
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@Elisa, one good name is always Avitable.
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some horrible kids names i have came across:
Brennyin
Maddysin
Cale
Boyce thats almost as bad as Bort
Maizlyn poor little girl.
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@Bee(not my real name), wow, those are horrible.
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@Avitable, thank goodness i have sense enough not to name my son whos to be born in a month anything horrible
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