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Shut the fucking baby-making factory down

duggar-family_lThe Duggar family is expecting another child. This will be their 19th. What the fuck? How do they even have sex anymore? It must be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

In honor of their 19 spawn, here are some 19-numbered lists that may be of some help to the Duggar family and any other idiots who want to follow in their footsteps. [Credit goes to Britt for the post idea]

19 ways to know you have too many kids:

  1. Toilet paper runs out every day
  2. Mediators are needed for a family fight
  3. You have to go through 10 names before you remember the right name for your kid
  4. You lost one kid in the couch for three days one time without noticing
  5. Family sports day requires a draft pick
  6. Nike has approached you about opening up a sweatshop
  7. Denny’s changes its “Kids Eat Free” policy to limit 10 children
  8. Teaching them how to drive ends up being a demolition derby
  9. It takes fucking forever to get seated at Olive Garden
  10. Angelina Jolie sends you hate mail
  11. Ninjas
  12. Your vagina makes a whistling sound when there’s a breeze
  13. Your kids have siblings that they’ve never spoken to in person
  14. When 1 in 10 kids will experiment with drugs and you have two crackheads in your house
  15. You’ve started pulling baby names from the phone book at random
  16. You’re not quite sure what silence is
  17. The CDC is sent in when several kids have dirty diapers
  18. Talking about the birds and bees requires a Power Point presentation, an auditorium, and engraved invitations
  19. You can’t sit on a barstool without sliding down to the floor

19 things that Michelle Duggar should put in her vagina instead of Jim Bob’s cock:

  1. Trampoline
  2. Exit Sign
  3. Turnstile
  4. Geo Metro
  5. Denver Broncos
  6. Four bottles of wine (room temperature)
  7. Ninjas
  8. Steam room
  9. Clothesline
  10. Sponge
  11. Tension cables
  12. New bedroom
  13. Shoe closet
  14. Wet bar
  15. Bouncer
  16. 50″ Plasma TV
  17. Mini golf course
  18. Topiary garden
  19. Maternity ward

19 things that Jim Bob Duggar should put his cock into instead of Michelle’s vagina:

  1. Large bowl of jello
  2. Freezer
  3. Safety Deposit Box
  4. Apple pie
  5. Michelle’s ass
  6. Penis Hall of Fame
  7. Headlock
  8. Military School
  9. Rehab
  10. Paris (Hilton, not the city)
  11. Kevlar
  12. Ninjas
  13. Something more comfortable
  14. Retirement
  15. Miss USA pageant
  16. Microwave
  17. My car (but out of my dreams)
  18. A bottle of Valium
  19. Bronze statue mold

19 things birth control methods they should try:

  1. Hammer
  2. Vise grips
  3. Anal
  4. Rubber band
  5. Vagina Dentata
  6. Pussy guillotine
  7. Little helmet
  8. Trampoline
  9. Ninjas
  10. Rosie O’Donnell
  11. Pierced Urethra
  12. Chastity belt
  13. Donkey Punch
  14. Fondue pot
  15. Ebola
  16. Nut punch
  17. Fart in a can
  18. Lasers
  19. Sharks

In other Avita-news, we are giving away a free plane ticket to Orlando for this year’s Halloween Party! Go here to buy a raffle ticket to get your chance to win!!

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137 Replies to “Shut the fucking baby-making factory down”

  1. Julie @ Angry Julie Monday

    Ok, all I could focus on was “ninjas”. I think I have a fascination. I even tweeted about ninjas tonight. I almost died when I saw their “announcement” today. I told my husband tonight and his reaction, “Holy fucking shit, too many fucking kids…they need to stop breeding”. That about sums it up!

  2. Courtney

    HA!! This is hilarious! Maybe you should print it and send it to them? You could add to the list of things she could put in her vagina? Or roll it up and it works for his list too?

    So damn funny!!!!

  3. God

    I love it when people spit babies out of their bodies as a profession, it reminds me of how hard a snoochie can be worked without exploding. Bowchickawowwow.

    It also reminds me of baseball season, with the balls slapping the gloves during warmup and the scent of leather wafting through the air.

    Ahhhh babymaking, I just sprung wood.

  4. Zach

    The really scary thing is what the next group of yahoos will have to do to up the anty and get one of these TV shows: let’s have 8 kids and cheat on each other! no wait, they already did that… ok then let’s have like 20 kids! nope? ok, ok, what if our kids have kids, but, but…with each other? yeah? yeah! ok, give us a show!

      • christie

        @Avitable,

        Well, a cult they may be- I don’t agree with their religion, etc. And I think I’d shoot myself before having that many kids (although I admit a part of me wants to see how many I can naturally have,but that’s what the Sims is for lol).

        Their kids are all well mannered and polite and smart- sure, a tad brain-washed…

        And as someone who loses her temper before you can blink an eye I’m just fascinated by and admire a mom who can keep her cool and talk to her children in a stern yet calm tone. It’s something I strive for. Doesn’t always happen, but it is something I strive for.

          • christie

            @Avitable,

            This is true- and agree it’s weird. Especially since I could never imagine not letting my incredibley rembunctious 2 year old dance.

            But don’t you think it’s a bit of fresh air to have well mannered kids who are made to learn to do new things and everything- in a time when parents are going to their bratty lazy kid’s job interviews? I mean, they make them learn so much- every single one of them can fix a car and a meal. Every opportunity they have to learn they take. And I admire that.

            Of course I just wish it wasn’t laced with poisonous brainwashing. I guess I just see more good in them than most because I’m from a long line of large families (2nd of 8, my parents were both from 8 kids, my grandma was oldest of 11…etc). I guess I have more sympathy for larger families and how thy keep sane.

  5. Selma

    I never thought you would write a post about the Duggars. I laughed so much while reading it my jaw actually hurts. Jim-Bob must be the horniest guy in America. I am scared that another baby whose name must start with ‘J’ is on the way. The image of the topiary garden will stay in my head for a while. I was going to do a spot of gardening tomorrow, but now I think I’ll leave it!

  6. muskrat

    My wife likes watching the Duggars. I am just appalled.
    Oh, and I can’t believe you like the name Kal-El. My neighbors will applaud you, but I sure as hell won’t.
    I bought a raffle ticket. Quick, close out the contest to other participants, ok? If I don’t win, I’m going to have to hitch hike with Heather or Anissa.

  7. Poppy

    Dude.

    The next time I inspire you to write a post, WHICH IS MORE FREQUENTLY THAN MOST PEOPLE, I insist that you mention my name too.

    So annoying.

    Hot dog down a hallway was funny, though.

    ATTENTION: POPPY IS CRANKY.

  8. charlene

    ya know arkansas being such a small state~~i actually know the duggars~~of course when i met them, they only had less than a dozen kids~~it was when he was in the state politics and i was a retiring lobbist~~my first husband had just died and i was completing the lobbying assignment i had taken before he was diagnosed with cancer~~~jim bob and his wife were {i speak in past tense because i don’t know them now with that many fucking kids} some of the nicest honest politicians{an oxymoron i know}i had the chance of getting to know
    they were the type of christians i really like~~they preach by example~you know they are christians by their actions {of course, their covering every inch of the female body lets you know they have different values} but at least they are not in the your face every second preaching to you about the fiery gates of hell like many others of crazy christians in arkansas~~what i respect most about them is they support their own~and spend much of the money they make off of TLC helping others who are less fortunate {i do have a cousin who lives close to them~that is how i know this~~they give about 80% of the money from tv to the community or others and 20% goes into college funds}

    “they buy used and save the difference” still~~i don’t really understand the reasoning of “i’ll have as many children as god will give me” but i do give them credit for takin gcare of their own and not turning it into a money making thing like the jon and kate, octomom and mckmama~~
    other than that, i swear, i would think if she squatted down a baby would drop out~~i mean really how big is her vagina? i bet jim bob’s head would fit in it!!

    • RebTurtle

      @charlene, It really is a dichotomy. They appear to be really nice, wholesome people, with great fiscal values. It’s just the baby machine that’s a total turn-off. I lost track of who mentioned that Michelle is getting c-sections every time which seems like cheating. I’m not against c-sections, but clearly (at least to me) “God” did not intend for her to have that many children if it takes modern medicine to allow it.

      BTW, if someone tries to rationalize that God “created” modern medicine my head might explode which, ironically, could be seen as an act of God.

      • charlene

        don’t even fucking get me started on all that religious crap~~i don’t get the having a butt load of kids sect of many religions either~ it’s my understanding that michelle had a c section with #18~~but she has had several natural births and several at home births~~~ LOL i seriously think she could squat and pop one out~~but i think with the first set of twins she had to have a c section, had several more “natural” then one more c section, a couple naturally ~~ i may be off one or two kids, but i believe she has only had 3 c sections~~ but it may be 4~~LOL i don’t keep score ~~and by all means, i don’t think that many children is anything but crazy~~but hey, i think crazy people make the world a much nicer place~~i know i don’t suffer from insanity, but enjoy every fucking minute of it~~people who don’t think they are crazy scare the fuck out of me~~i am sorry~every person alive has some quirk or another~like having to take a dump with their pants off *wink*

        i’ve already started designing my halloween costume~~ i’ve just got to settle on the dual personality i’m coming as~~so there will be 2 of me~~~ see and see
        {there is going to be singing correct?}

  9. martymankins

    Throwing a hot dog down the hallway. Classic. Fucking classic.

    I see this and it makes want to wonder what the fuck this Bob does for a living. Because you know, Michelle is not working with that clan to watch after.

    I wonder what they will do when their last kid moves out. Guess they will find out in 26 years.

  10. red

    i love all the “hotdog down a hallway jokes” but sadly she has repeat c-sections for all her kids. So she is more likely to have her uterus explode. Now that would make a good episode for TLC

  11. Mik

    Having five of our twelve grand kids running around here wears us out, can’t imagine what nineteen bloody kids must be like, at least we cans end the grand kids home. I am surprised they have any energy left for shagging.

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