The Duggar family is expecting another child. This will be their 19th. What the fuck? How do they even have sex anymore? It must be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
In honor of their 19 spawn, here are some 19-numbered lists that may be of some help to the Duggar family and any other idiots who want to follow in their footsteps. [Credit goes to Britt for the post idea]
19 ways to know you have too many kids:
- Toilet paper runs out every day
- Mediators are needed for a family fight
- You have to go through 10 names before you remember the right name for your kid
- You lost one kid in the couch for three days one time without noticing
- Family sports day requires a draft pick
- Nike has approached you about opening up a sweatshop
- Denny’s changes its “Kids Eat Free” policy to limit 10 children
- Teaching them how to drive ends up being a demolition derby
- It takes fucking forever to get seated at Olive Garden
- Angelina Jolie sends you hate mail
- Ninjas
- Your vagina makes a whistling sound when there’s a breeze
- Your kids have siblings that they’ve never spoken to in person
- When 1 in 10 kids will experiment with drugs and you have two crackheads in your house
- You’ve started pulling baby names from the phone book at random
- You’re not quite sure what silence is
- The CDC is sent in when several kids have dirty diapers
- Talking about the birds and bees requires a Power Point presentation, an auditorium, and engraved invitations
- You can’t sit on a barstool without sliding down to the floor
19 things that Michelle Duggar should put in her vagina instead of Jim Bob’s cock:
- Trampoline
- Exit Sign
- Turnstile
- Geo Metro
- Denver Broncos
- Four bottles of wine (room temperature)
- Ninjas
- Steam room
- Clothesline
- Sponge
- Tension cables
- New bedroom
- Shoe closet
- Wet bar
- Bouncer
- 50″ Plasma TV
- Mini golf course
- Topiary garden
- Maternity ward
19 things that Jim Bob Duggar should put his cock into instead of Michelle’s vagina:
- Large bowl of jello
- Freezer
- Safety Deposit Box
- Apple pie
- Michelle’s ass
- Penis Hall of Fame
- Headlock
- Military School
- Rehab
- Paris (Hilton, not the city)
- Kevlar
- Ninjas
- Something more comfortable
- Retirement
- Miss USA pageant
- Microwave
- My car (but out of my dreams)
- A bottle of Valium
- Bronze statue mold
19 things birth control methods they should try:
- Hammer
- Vise grips
- Anal
- Rubber band
- Vagina Dentata
- Pussy guillotine
- Little helmet
- Trampoline
- Ninjas
- Rosie O’Donnell
- Pierced Urethra
- Chastity belt
- Donkey Punch
- Fondue pot
- Ebola
- Nut punch
- Fart in a can
- Lasers
- Sharks
In other Avita-news, we are giving away a free plane ticket to Orlando for this year’s Halloween Party! Go here to buy a raffle ticket to get your chance to win!!
Enjoy this post? Try these:Dear trick or treaters
Why Chinese Mothers are Superior, by Amy Chua (a parody)
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Twitter: mrlady
says:
#10 and #13 on the top? I just died laughing.
And the Denver Broncos? Yeah.
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@Mr Lady, they’re no Dallas Cowboys. /obscure Simpsons reference
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Ok, all I could focus on was “ninjas”. I think I have a fascination. I even tweeted about ninjas tonight. I almost died when I saw their “announcement” today. I told my husband tonight and his reaction, “Holy fucking shit, too many fucking kids…they need to stop breeding”. That about sums it up!
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@Julie @ Angry Julie Monday, ninjas make everything better.
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
bwhahahah. Best post ever! I was disgusted to see that they were pregnant again.
I have no idea how to use a ninja as birth control, but I’m curious.
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@Ashleigh, wouldn’t a ninja standing there make you less interested in having sex?
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
, September 2nd, 2009: 1:47 PM
@Avitable, It might make me wonder why there is a ninja watching, but uhh probably not. Ninjas have better things to do, like cutting out that lady’s uterus so she can no longer reproduce.
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Twitter: kimt205
says:
I want to add one to JB Duggars….put it in her mouth. Swallowing not Spawning. Jesus?? How do these kids hang on in her stretched out womb ?? Is she really Spiderwoman? Or a bunny?
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@kim, I think she uses duct tape to keep them in there.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
I liked it better when you concentrated on you and not so much on deciding what other people should or shouldn’t do.
Wait, no I didn’t.
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@whall, silly Wayne – I never did that!
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Twitter: kimt205
says:
^^^^ I have a gravatar account I’m signed into. Why my pic no show up??
It’s those damn Duggars and their atomic reproductive powers blocking me.
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@kim, did you change your email address or type it in wrong? I don’t know.
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Wow… you should have put avitable in at lest one of these things.
Great list – made us laugh!
-Aman
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@Only Aman, I don’t want her to put me in her vagina!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I wish these people physical harm.
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@B.E. Earl, me too. They’re a blight.
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Twitter: WWScissors
says:
Oh! Ow! Ahhh!! The barstool thing made me laugh and cringe violently at the same time. The sad thing is that I can actually see it happening to that crazy woman…
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@Lynn (Walking With Scissors), she might already have a few stools in there.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
This has to be child abuse, right? There’s no way they can spend enough time with the 17 kids in their house (I’m assuming the married one with the baby on the way doesn’t live there?). It’s sick
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@Amanda, the fact that you know they have a married one with a baby on the way frightens me.
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Twitter: Amanda234
, September 2nd, 2009: 6:06 PM
@Avitable, lol they’re on the today show a lot
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You know, condoms are not that expensive. If only people would use them.
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Twitter: an_bhean
, September 2nd, 2009: 7:20 AM
@Sarah, I bet they could get a sweet endorsement deal and all the condoms they want for free from a condom company.
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@Sarah, I think that supergluing his cock to his ass might be a better solution.
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My favorite of the first list is #12. However, if she’s in her 40′s and having her 19th kid, I guess I can stop worrying about myself being too old to have one.
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@Lynda, yeah, because her life is so desirable!
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@Avitable, Oh, I certainly don’t want her life. Though, at least she and her husband seem to have a happy marriage, which is more than I can say for some others.
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Such a touching post.
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@DaDuck, I just have their best interests in mind.
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HA!! This is hilarious! Maybe you should print it and send it to them? You could add to the list of things she could put in her vagina? Or roll it up and it works for his list too?
So damn funny!!!!
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@Courtney, they’d probably just pray for me.
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can’t breathe, can’t breathe…
Fan-fucking-tastic.
But you forgot leprosy as birth control.
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@Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo, ooh, good one!
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OMG! NINETEEN kids!!! That would KILL me!!! In more ways than one, believe me… Shudderrrrr
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@DutchBitch, I’m not sure how she’s not dead, honestly.
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
And to think, they can’t even go on a family trip in one of those monstrous 17 passenger Chevy vans. They need a short bus.
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@The Driftwood Collector, I don’t even know if a short bus will do it. They need a caravan!
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I love it when people spit babies out of their bodies as a profession, it reminds me of how hard a snoochie can be worked without exploding. Bowchickawowwow.
It also reminds me of baseball season, with the balls slapping the gloves during warmup and the scent of leather wafting through the air.
Ahhhh babymaking, I just sprung wood.
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@God, snoochie, eh?
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GAH!
Insane. I cannot even imagine. 19 kids. It makes my vagina hurt just thinking about it.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
, September 2nd, 2009: 9:19 AM
@Sybil Law, makes my vagina hurt too!
Once was enough for me.
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Awesome post. Next post, an explanation of all the “alternative” birth control methods above, please
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@Elisa, you mean they aren’t obvious?
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I can’t even put up with nineteen ADULTS all up in my grill at the same time!
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@Hilly, well, at least with kids, you could lock them in their rooms.
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Twitter: docslacker
says:
bravo, sir. this had to be said.
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@Slacker, thanks, Milagros.
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YAY! You gave me credit AND included the ninjas!!
Now, where’s my check, fucker?
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@Miss Britt, I lost it in her vagina.
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I think 19 kids is just her way of not having to have a fucking period for oh about 16 years!!!!
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@deb, there have to be simpler ways than that!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I loved the bit where you included Ninjas in all three lists. You’re a subtle man, Avitable. Maybe too subtle.
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@Faiqa, so subtle that there were actually four lists!
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Twitter: Faiqa
, September 2nd, 2009: 1:20 PM
@Avitable, I only counted the good lists.
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Twitter: Faiqa
, September 2nd, 2009: 1:21 PM
@Avitable, By good I mean funny, you bastard.
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The really scary thing is what the next group of yahoos will have to do to up the anty and get one of these TV shows: let’s have 8 kids and cheat on each other! no wait, they already did that… ok then let’s have like 20 kids! nope? ok, ok, what if our kids have kids, but, but…with each other? yeah? yeah! ok, give us a show!
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@Zach, it’s a slippery slope.
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@Zach, Do we really want “The Real Housewives of Rural Alabama?”
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lmao omg!
I have to admit I like the Duggars
But man her vagina has got to be insane!
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@christie, how can you like them? They’re a fucking cult!
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@Avitable,
Well, a cult they may be- I don’t agree with their religion, etc. And I think I’d shoot myself before having that many kids (although I admit a part of me wants to see how many I can naturally have,but that’s what the Sims is for lol).
Their kids are all well mannered and polite and smart- sure, a tad brain-washed…
And as someone who loses her temper before you can blink an eye I’m just fascinated by and admire a mom who can keep her cool and talk to her children in a stern yet calm tone. It’s something I strive for. Doesn’t always happen, but it is something I strive for.
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@christie, but they won’t even let them dance!
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@Avitable,
This is true- and agree it’s weird. Especially since I could never imagine not letting my incredibley rembunctious 2 year old dance.
But don’t you think it’s a bit of fresh air to have well mannered kids who are made to learn to do new things and everything- in a time when parents are going to their bratty lazy kid’s job interviews? I mean, they make them learn so much- every single one of them can fix a car and a meal. Every opportunity they have to learn they take. And I admire that.
Of course I just wish it wasn’t laced with poisonous brainwashing. I guess I just see more good in them than most because I’m from a long line of large families (2nd of 8, my parents were both from 8 kids, my grandma was oldest of 11…etc). I guess I have more sympathy for larger families and how thy keep sane.
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you are fabulous, my dear… but, um, “pussy guillotine”?
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@Nenette, you don’t like the word “pussy”? I had already used “vagina” with “vagina dentata” and I thought it had a nice ring to it.
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@Avitable, no, no, “pussy” is fine. It’s the “How?” thing. How would you position the guillotine? Would you have to cut off the legs too? How is that even physically possible?!!!
Just the enginerd in me coming out again. That bitch just doesn’t know how to shut it sometimes.
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@Nenette, well, it would be more like a cigar cutter in shape than an actual guillotine, and it would fit snugly inside the vagina until a penis crossed the threshold, hitting a trigger, and then snickety snack.
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@Avitable, oh, crap, and here I thought the contraption was for guillotining the pussy! okay, thanks for the clarification… that makes complete sense. My idea was complicated and defied all logic.
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@Nenette, typical enginerd. Overthinking everything!
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@Avitable, I’m afraid so.
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Well, at least they should be shoo-in’s for next years Fertility Hall Of Fame ceremony.
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@Badass Geek, unless there’s a rabbit family that is nominated.
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PUKE!!!! PUKE PUKE PUKE PUKE! And ninjas.
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@Bridget, just imagine that vagina all gaping and loose. PUKE!
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During my days of sharty doom, I could go through a twelve pack of double-roll TP in a week. I wonder if some of her kids were secretly filching my stash.
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@Grant, very likely. They’re a group of ruffians.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Where do they even find the energy to have sex? Whatever they’re on, I want some.
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@Finn, he mainlines Viagra into his eyeball.
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Twitter: msmegan
, September 2nd, 2009: 11:47 AM
@Avitable, Does he fuck her in her sleep? Where does SHE get the energy?
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@Finn, she sucks it up and does it for God and country.
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What about oral birth control? Just say ‘no’.
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@Employee No. 3699, she must enjoy spitting children out of the cavern she calls her babymaker.
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I never thought you would write a post about the Duggars. I laughed so much while reading it my jaw actually hurts. Jim-Bob must be the horniest guy in America. I am scared that another baby whose name must start with ‘J’ is on the way. The image of the topiary garden will stay in my head for a while. I was going to do a spot of gardening tomorrow, but now I think I’ll leave it!
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@Selma, sometimes I just look through CNN and see what catches my eye!
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Screw sending them this post – send them a copy of “What Not to Name Your Baby!”
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I could do a special version of it that contains “J” names not to name their kids, because they’re obnoxious like that.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
, September 2nd, 2009: 2:50 PM
@Avitable, Do they have a Jesus in their brood? Jackass?
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@GrandeMocha, not yet!
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Twitter: lceel
says:
What that woman needs is a pillbox.
Complete with machine gun, concertina wire and plenty of ammo.
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@lceel, ooh, I see what you did there.
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too funny! i was just telling a friend yesterday that having sex with her would be like throwing a hotdog down a cave. we’re definitely on the same wavelength, you sly dog.
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@carla, we always have been!
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I forgot to update the Mail field to my new super-cool gmail address.
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@Grant, well I replied to your old address. So too late!
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
Did you know they’re not allowed to dance. Maybe that’s why they’re doing the horizontal mambo to get some kind of energy out. Or just fighting the ninjas.
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@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], I didn’t know that about them. Maybe if they danced occasionally they wouldn’t have to fuck so much!
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
By bouncer, do you mean as in club, or as in fun bouncy thing for kids (and some adults like myself)? Maybe her kids would enjoy the latter!
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, as in a club, kicking people (and sperm) out!
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Yeah why DON’T they just do anal?? I had the horrible thought of her vagina and how cavernous it must be. It’s got to fucking ECHO at this point.
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@sizzle, gives me the shivers just thinking about that huge gaping cave!
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Ha-ha, this is great, Adam! Form of Birth Control: Ninjas! Love it!
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@Sean Avitable, shouldn’t you be working?
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@Avitable, my boss allows me to only post on avitable.com. haha
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
My wife likes watching the Duggars. I am just appalled.
Oh, and I can’t believe you like the name Kal-El. My neighbors will applaud you, but I sure as hell won’t.
I bought a raffle ticket. Quick, close out the contest to other participants, ok? If I don’t win, I’m going to have to hitch hike with Heather or Anissa.
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@muskrat, I’m sure they’d totally give you a ride!
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Someone needs to make a flash game of “Put Stuff Michelle Dugar’s Vagina That Doesn’t Result in Babies.”
You’re welcome.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
, September 2nd, 2009: 5:44 PM
@the slackmistress, like stuff on a cat? ROFL! pun totally intended.
Since they name all their kids with J names, I offer:
Jardena : jar-DEE-nah : hebrew “to flow downward”
Just a suggestion. Cuz that kid will not require contractions. Or pushing.
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@Karen Sugarpants, nice one.
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@the slackmistress, ooh, that would be awesome!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i’m glad you further explained pussy guillotine.
ouch.
that’ll teach em!
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@hello haha narf, it made sense in my head when I wrote it!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Dude.
The next time I inspire you to write a post, WHICH IS MORE FREQUENTLY THAN MOST PEOPLE, I insist that you mention my name too.
So annoying.
Hot dog down a hallway was funny, though.
ATTENTION: POPPY IS CRANKY.
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@Poppy, oh, I know. I already got reamed for not giving credit, so you’ll totally get credit next time.
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Hi, just discovered you and am hooked.
Hilarious lists and I have to say, the subtlety of “room temperature” is genius.
And yes, these people are frightening.
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@karamg, thanks for the visit and comment!
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Fanfuckingtastic! I am sprinkling confetti all over you. I believe Cajun Vegan said it best when the Duggars popped out their 17th spawn, “The vajayjay is not a slip and slide.” Amen!
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@perpstu, that is a very apt statement by her.
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Twitter: laurenacarlton
says:
19? Shit. That makes my vagina hurt. In a bad way.
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@Lauren, makes my vagina hurt too!
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My name is Carrie and I approve of the use of the word “Ninjas” in this post. Aside from that, there’s some pretty hilarious stuff in there.
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@The Bombshell, I figured you would.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
So basically the answer is, ninjas.
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@Robin, always.
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Twitter: mommy_wins
says:
Holy fuck. Throwing a hot dog down a hallway? My day is now made.
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@Colleen – Mommy Always Wins, it’s a great visual.
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ya know arkansas being such a small state~~i actually know the duggars~~of course when i met them, they only had less than a dozen kids~~it was when he was in the state politics and i was a retiring lobbist~~my first husband had just died and i was completing the lobbying assignment i had taken before he was diagnosed with cancer~~~jim bob and his wife were {i speak in past tense because i don’t know them now with that many fucking kids} some of the nicest honest politicians{an oxymoron i know}i had the chance of getting to know
they were the type of christians i really like~~they preach by example~you know they are christians by their actions {of course, their covering every inch of the female body lets you know they have different values} but at least they are not in the your face every second preaching to you about the fiery gates of hell like many others of crazy christians in arkansas~~what i respect most about them is they support their own~and spend much of the money they make off of TLC helping others who are less fortunate {i do have a cousin who lives close to them~that is how i know this~~they give about 80% of the money from tv to the community or others and 20% goes into college funds}
“they buy used and save the difference” still~~i don’t really understand the reasoning of “i’ll have as many children as god will give me” but i do give them credit for takin gcare of their own and not turning it into a money making thing like the jon and kate, octomom and mckmama~~
other than that, i swear, i would think if she squatted down a baby would drop out~~i mean really how big is her vagina? i bet jim bob’s head would fit in it!!
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@charlene, It really is a dichotomy. They appear to be really nice, wholesome people, with great fiscal values. It’s just the baby machine that’s a total turn-off. I lost track of who mentioned that Michelle is getting c-sections every time which seems like cheating. I’m not against c-sections, but clearly (at least to me) “God” did not intend for her to have that many children if it takes modern medicine to allow it.
BTW, if someone tries to rationalize that God “created” modern medicine my head might explode which, ironically, could be seen as an act of God.
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don’t even fucking get me started on all that religious crap~~i don’t get the having a butt load of kids sect of many religions either~ it’s my understanding that michelle had a c section with #18~~but she has had several natural births and several at home births~~~ LOL i seriously think she could squat and pop one out~~but i think with the first set of twins she had to have a c section, had several more “natural” then one more c section, a couple naturally ~~ i may be off one or two kids, but i believe she has only had 3 c sections~~ but it may be 4~~LOL i don’t keep score ~~and by all means, i don’t think that many children is anything but crazy~~but hey, i think crazy people make the world a much nicer place~~i know i don’t suffer from insanity, but enjoy every fucking minute of it~~people who don’t think they are crazy scare the fuck out of me~~i am sorry~every person alive has some quirk or another~like having to take a dump with their pants off *wink*
i’ve already started designing my halloween costume~~ i’ve just got to settle on the dual personality i’m coming as~~so there will be 2 of me~~~ see and see
{there is going to be singing correct?}
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@charlene, I can’t care how nice they are – anyone who thinks that dancing is bad has to be an intolerant person.
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Throwing a hot dog down the hallway. Classic. Fucking classic.
I see this and it makes want to wonder what the fuck this Bob does for a living. Because you know, Michelle is not working with that clan to watch after.
I wonder what they will do when their last kid moves out. Guess they will find out in 26 years.
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@martymankins, she’ll probably be dead from exhaustion.
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i love all the “hotdog down a hallway jokes” but sadly she has repeat c-sections for all her kids. So she is more likely to have her uterus explode. Now that would make a good episode for TLC
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@red, good to know. How is that God’s plan, exactly, I wonder?
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Having five of our twelve grand kids running around here wears us out, can’t imagine what nineteen bloody kids must be like, at least we cans end the grand kids home. I am surprised they have any energy left for shagging.
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@Mik, I know – it must just be absolutely draining.
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Brilliant post, and I agree with you. I do wonder though, how does the “fart in a can” method of birth control work?
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