A Danger to our Children: Presidential Address to Students
On Tuesday, September 8th, at 12 PM EST, President Barack Obama will address our nation's students. Controversy has arisen over the President's audacity in scheduling this Presidential Address. "I ain't let a black man talk to mah kids since 2005 when the mailman delivered a certified letter saying we wuz being foreclosed on. He was a nigra, and look what happened. We done lost our house!" complains Debra Whitetrashia of Jonesboro, Arkansas. Her very rational complaint is being echoed by equally even-tempered, logical conservative families nationwide.
Concerned with the unknown and arbitrary message that our duly elected President could transmit to these children, Julie Lichtinass of Memphis, Tennessee, states, "I was watching the news one day with my sons Eli and Jonah when the reporter, a nice Oriental girl, interviewed witnesses to an accident. Before anyone could do anything, one of the witnesses used a vile swear word that neither of my children had ever heard before. They started asking me questions about the word and its associations and it was very uncomfortable. I don't think it should be allowed for just anybody to make a video that my children have to watch in their school. It's not American!"
Worry not, my brothers and sisters in the Resistance against Socialism and black people. At great risk to myself and my family, I have acquired the content of President Obama's address to our students, and to those of you who have decided that your child will stay home on Tuesday, I applaud you. By keeping your child from their education and delaying their learning by a day, you, madam or sir, are a true American hero.
PRESIDENTIAL "BACK TO SCHOOL" ADDRESS FOR STUDENTS:
Hi there kids! I'm President Barack Obama, but you can call me Barry. Or the One. Whatever works for you.
Anyways, I'm here today to talk to you about going back to school. I'm a huge proponent of our education system. In fact, without my degrees from Columbia and Harvard, I wouldn't be here at all, no matter how much bribing was done by the secret Muslim factions who support me and my inevitable destruction of America from within.
Attending school might sometimes seem boring or unnecessary, but if you're going to succeed in life, it can be a huge boon. Each of you has it in you to achieve greatness, unless you're a Caucasian in the middle class or higher – you have too much of an advantage, so I'm doing everything I can to oppress your rights, take away your money, destroy your investments, turn your children into homosexuals, and send you into abject poverty.
The rest of you, though? Your untapped potential is tremendous, and you should trust in your teachers to help you start to achieve that potential. Although, if you have any science teachers who don't understand what scientific theory is and teach creationism instead of evolution, please report them to the local police and we will have them reassigned, after a little re-education.
With the right education, you might become a lawyer. Who knows, your first big case could be a groundbreaking case where a man can marry the sheep he loves! Or you could become a doctor, where you could make as much as $10.50 per hour aborting babies under my new health care plan! No matter what career path you choose, rest assured that you will be supporting my amoral Socialist regime that will destroy the very fabric of the Christian faith while removing all vestiges of capitalism from this once great country of yours.
Look, let me be honest. In the end, it really doesn't matter if you go to school. If you do well and graduate and get additional education, I'll just set salary limits that won't let you get paid what you deserve. If you don't do well and drop out and get a dead end job or just do drugs, I'll provide you with so much public assistance that you'll make more money and live a more fulfilling life than those who got a degree. And if you're here illegally? No tienes aprender Ingles! That is the American dream, and as a Democrat, it's the dream that I'm blood sworn to protect. No really – it's a real blood oath. We have wiccans in our party who can really fuck your shit up.
Thank you, and God bless the Great White Satan America.
Posted in satire | Tags: barack obama, capitalism, comedy, democrats, exaggeration, humor, parody, president, president obama, presidential address, republicans, sarcasm, satire, socialism
Obviously your sources have lead you astray.
There will also be an announcement about the exclusive rights for school food being given to KFC.
Grilled breasts for all.
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@NYCWD, obviously, you are the one who is mistaken. From now on, all meals will be made from chickpeas.
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I'm related to the Whitetrashias on my father's side through a…well, ya know…cousin.
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@B.E. Earl, is the cousin married to another cousin?
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I'm confused… do we send our kids to school to hear this speech or keep them at home so they can watch Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck?
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@martymankins, the education that they can glean from those two leaders of moral America is much more than anything they could get from a day in school.
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even my inexplicably republican husband stated that these sort of people are morons. Even their own don't want to claim them.
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@thepsychobabble, your husband is one of the good ones – a moderate!
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i've been obsessing about this stupidity. i've already written 1 1/3 post about it. what made it worse for me was the ignorant and uneducated letter sent out by our school districts administration. i think a 4th grader is running the joint.
i don't know what the uproar is about. many of the kids will be at lunch or sitting in class nailing each other with spitballs.
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@melissa, if this had happened when Bush was in office, we'd all be declared traitors. The hypocrisy is ridiculous, as is the paranoia.
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@Avitable, exactly! i'm absolutely disgusted and mortified that these people share a country with me and my children. i thought bush sucked. but i would never, ever take my children out of school or worry about brainwashing, just because a monkey was speaking. seriously. give me a break. i could go on and on about this. i just wrote this but i'll say it again…the teachers in my school district are not required to have our children hear the president speak. the parents are allowed to remove their children from school during this time, so that their kids, in case the teacher allows the speech to be heard in the classroom, doesn't hear it. ME…i may take my kids out of school so that i can BE SURE they hear the president speak.
I'm SO PISSED!!!!
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my mom is having a conniption about this because my 17 year old brother has to watch it at school.
I don't know why, he's A: too stupid to understand half of what will be said and B: a 17 year old, not a baby.
a part of me died when she started complaining about it. And that last sentence about the Wiccans? Perfect.
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@Ashleigh, and if you asked her what exactly she was complaining about, she'd have no idea, either.
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We got a call last night – a recorded message from my boys' middle school – stating they will NOT be having students watch it, because some parents "expressed concern" (?), but we can individually make sure our kiddos see it, via recordings and the internet.
WTF??? He is OUR president we should be happy he WANTS To connect with our kids. He has a better chance of doing so since he has young kids of his own.
This whole thing has me slapping my forehead. Thank you for a typically tongue in cheek view.
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@Meg, the scary thing is that I'm sure someone will read this and think I'm serious.
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You brought "Oriental" back. Hilarious. I kind-of like "Colored" myself….
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@Robin, it's what the closet racists say, didn't you know?
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Honestly? This amazes me. Especially since I remember being forced to watch Presidential Addresses in school. Ah, the naps! Those were good times.
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@daysgoby, it's also amazing how many schools think it's okay not to air a Presidential address designed for the students.
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WWHD?
What would Hitler do?
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@fuzzarelly, well, according to some of the extremist right, Hitler and Obama share the same goals. So he'd do the same thing!
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Bwah ha ha ha ha. The Memphis one was right on! (I think I worked with her when I lived there!)
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@Blondefabulous, I wish it were more of an exaggeration!
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how did you get your hands on that speech? man, the cia is gonna be at the halloween party, aren't they? am i on a watch list because of you? aaack! PARANOIA!
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@hello haha narf, they'll be there checking each of us out. Better get ready for a strip search!
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@Avitable,
who is doing the strip search? you or the cia?
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Professor President prepares to preach publicly to pre-pubescent punks and princesses. Paranoid (possibly pot-headed) parents protest. Pontificator predicts powerful perfect parade of potential paralegals.
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@avatgardener, pot-headed = a head consistent in form and density with a cooking utensil?
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The transcript is okay, but the real speech will have more effect since the hypnotoad will be displayed in place of the closed-captioning.
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@Grant, the hypnotoad should be used liberally throughout television, I think.
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Well done.
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@Jen GW, thanks.
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Ah yes, when is our next Resistance against Socialism and black people meeting? I'm getting the R.A.S.A.B.P shirts made.
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@Amanda, Tuesday. It's your turn to bring cookies.
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What I don't understand is how parents and schools were ok with letting the kids watch live coverage of the 9/11 Twin Towers collapse, with Live Death! and Unscripted Coverage! but to let their children listen to the educated, elected PRESIDENT of our country give a speech in which he wants to connect with the youth of America, they get their panties in a bunch??
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@tracey, and none of those parents will have a single concrete reason why they don't want their students to listen to their duly elected President, either. They're just fucking sheeple.
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Well, even if you disagree with Obama's policies you have to give him credit for telling it like it is to these kids. Other Presidents have stuck to the bullshit message that if kids work hard, stay in school and never give up the too can grow up to be President. Or at least someone successful and happy and all that. At least Obama is keeping it real and letting them know that no matter how hard they work or how well they do in school, they're screwed.
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@Jay, exactly. He's laying it all out there for them.
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This discussion makes me CRAZY. I have, in a previous life, associated with some very conservative Christian sorts. I first became aware of their point of view about this on FaceBook. And I was dumbfounded. The message to stay in school is such an evil and brainwashing message? The one article I saw was in the Cypress Times, a very very very conservative paper that called the president, who they never CALL the president by the way, just Barak Obama or Obama, a socialist and a communist and a Marxist and a confederate of terrorists and felons. It was MIND BOGGLING. Now I am having an FB throw down with someone regarding if Christianity should be the official religion of the United States. Uh, no. No it should not. There should be NO official religion. GAH. My brain itches.
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@MIdLifeMama, the thing is, most Christians are not like that at all. But it's the extremists on both the right and the left that give everyone else a bad name.
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GAH!
I fucking hate ignorant people!
Seriously – this issue makes me so angry. Where were all the parents when Reagan and his wife told us to "Just Say No!", back in the 80's?! Nancy gave me nightmares.
Anyway – well done.
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@Sybil Law, well, "just say no" was kind of a good thing, wasn't it?
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@Avitable, Isn't the current president telling kids to stay in school, etc, a good thing, too?!
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@Sybil Law, yeah, definitely. Just making sure.
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I need to go check if anyone deleted me off Facebook for my most recent status update…
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@Maria, I loved that!
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In this country all you need to do is become a reality star and you're set for life, at least that's what I've learned so far.
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@Robin, this is the true American dream.
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Ignorance gives intelligent people plenty of comedy gold. You crack my shit up.
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@burning bridge, thanks for the visit and comment!
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Apparently you are a product of our fine Florida public schools. As it is still Daylight Savings Time, the speech will be held at 12 pm EDT, not EST, which stands for Eastern Standard Time.
Anyways…
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@Finn, Pfft. I didn't even realize we were still on Daylight Savings Time. Smartass.
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What's really funny is you and all your sycophantic commenters still think that parents are reacting this way just because Obama wants to address the children. Keep on thinking that, tools. That's not it at all.
It's that the "I pledge" video was forced upon Utah schoolchildren, mixing up feel-good wonderful messages that no-one would ever object to with chants of "I pledge to support my president" and "serve Barack Obama."
It's that the homework originally assigned to hand out to students with this speech was worded about listing things that they could do to "serve the president", and that followup work was assigned to make sure the students did just that.
It's that the pre-work says "build knowledge about the President of the United States and his speech by reading books about presidents and Barack Obama.." Why list his name? Is he trying to sell books?
It's that students are ASSIGNED to ask "What is the President asking me to do?" It even says "What specific job is he asking me to do?" and afterwards, to discuss "What do you think the President wants us to do?" and "Are we able to do what President Obama is asking of us?" They are assigned to "Write letters to themselves about what they can do to help the president. These would be collected and redistributed at an appopriate later date by the teacher to make students accountable to their goals." DOES THIS NOT SCARE YOU?
It's that any criticism of Obama is deemed racist.
Scoff at us "right-wing, intolerant racist haters". It's only by our constant protection that you are even free to blog and comment.
Tools.
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@whall,
i love when you reply. you make me smile.
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@hello haha narf, I almost even cussed! But I looked deep within myself and decided that profanity is best saved for humor.
Wait a second. Adam, you're just pushing my buttons again, aren't you?!?!?
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@whall, someone in the military serves his/her President as the Commander in Chief. Why is serving the President bad? And where are links for your random accusations/paranoia?
So, without knowing the content of the speech in any way whatsoever, just seeing what the homework asked, you have a problem. Which means that you have a problem with the person, which is closeminded and shortsighted. He was asking kids to be responsible for themselves, for Christ's sakes. Do you think that they should try to do what Obama asked them to? And be accountable for their own success? Why would that scare me?
And it's despite the far right wing that we have the freedom to blog and comment, not thanks to it.
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@Avitable, my bad. I misquoted the chant. It's "I pledge to be a servant to the President" not "I pledge to support the president." Hoepfully that clears up any misconceptions we had on the differences between a republic/democracy and a dictatorship/tyranny. A military serving a single leader and a whole nation serving a single leader… hmm, do you really not see the difference? You're ready to be in the military, are you? You're ready to pledge to be a servant of a single person who can tell you what to do and when to do it? And when that position changes, what… you're going to rescind your servitude?
Where are my random accusations from? Try the department of education: http://www.ed.gov/teachers/how/lessons/prek-6.pdf
Not that I think it would help you, though. This version is different than the first one given to teachers, and because of the backlash, has been whitewashed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u96xulHdOFc shows a news story of parents having problems, some of which are the same concerns I have.
The best link, however, is this youtube video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4WQtfbXkcc&NR=1&feature=fvwp He specifically mentions how Avitable's blog is popular because of unemployment is so high. Ok, maybe I'm using a little license there, but he does mention 11PM specifically, which in my time zone is when you publish every day. coincidence? I don't think so.
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@whall, and what does this button do if I push it?
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@whall, I do wonder, though, how many of the people complaining would be able to cite these reasons.
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@whall, You WILL kneel before Barack, son of Jor-El!!!
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Send the kids or don’t send them…either way, they will find out what was said…with the media and people talking, it will get out…
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Students should be able to listen to the President's speech
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Go Barry!
Of course, I'm from that heathen socialist regime just to the north of you. Come to the dark side! Come to the dark side!
Oops, wait. Was that my out loud voice?
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Ok, so let me get this straight, asking students to discuss the president is somehow subversive? Funny, what exactly is government class for? Asking students what the president's message was is subversive? I thought that would be more indicative of listening comprehension. Well, we sure wouldn't want that, now would we. The president says he wants to have the highest college graduate rate of any point in time in US history by 2020. Asking the students what they can do to achieve that goal is subversive? See, it seems to me that refusing to let students listen to their president is the subversive act. It seems to me that denying the need to improve the education system in our country is the unpatriotic act. It seems to me that denying that parents actually have any influence over their children and will be brainwashed by a brief message is paranoia.
I am an educator and I agree that students need to take a more personal role in their educations. They need to understand personal accountability. They need to think for themselves. As the released transcript of the speech shows, that is exactly what the president, who was legally elected by a majority of Americans, is asking them to do.
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this… my friends… is exactly what makes me sooooo proud to be a CANADIAN!! bwahahahahahahaahahahah
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Good ol' Barry. Can't wait for the tax hikes that'll pay for all this goodness!
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Talk about brainwashing.. Sheeeeze.. Every president since RONALD REAGAN has addressed the students on the start of school.. Get a grip..
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Great post. I'm gonna be showing it in my classroom tomorrow, but even at a school in Northern California I had to be told that if a student doesn't want to watch it for some reason, I have to provide them with an alternate assignment. We'll see what happens.
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GAH! Already dealt with this crap on facebook at 7AM….a "friend" (friend of the family, whom to unfriend would cause drama I just don't need)posted: "wonder how many of our children will be brainwashed by the "speech" today"…I commented asking her if she'd actually read the speech, and she pulled her post literally 5 seconds later.
Here's my thing: I can respect your informed opinion, whatever that may be, and whether or not I agree. Spewing toxicity without really know what you're talking about? Pisses me off.
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Very en pointe!
News for the sake of news… I think newsrooms run out of interesting things to talk about, so just report on drama from a bunch of asanine crap… much ado about nothing.
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Hehe, I forwarded this post to… well, everyone I know.
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