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If I Won The Lottery

I’ll admit it. I play the Florida Lottery. I know it’s a fool’s pursuit. I know the chances of winning are infinitesimal. But I also know that spending $2 a week is not an expense about which I’m really concerned.

If I won the lottery, I’ve got a pretty good plan in my head what I’d do with the money:

  • Pay off the house.
  • Buy a home in Italy.
  • Buy a home in Los Angeles.
  • Buy the lot next to mine here in Orlando and put an addition on the house with a full library and movie theater in it.
  • Travel throughout the US to some of the states I’ve never been (Alaska, Hawaii, Montana, to name a few) and throughout the world to a few countries, such as the UK, Australia, Iceland, Japan, China, and Russia.
  • Give Britt control of my business and open up a comic book store/cafe/movie theater.
  • Go live on the beach for a year and write a book. And a screenplay.
  • Pay some hot girl to tattoo my name as a tramp stamp.
  • Have a child named Thor who will be raised by a full-time nanny named Ada.
  • Get my PhD in something.
  • Bribe someone so that I can get an Academy Award.
  • Hire Gary Coleman to be my bodyguard.
  • Pay people to follow me around with trumpets, announcing my presence.
  • Ninjas.

If you won the lottery, what would you do?

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58 Replies to “If I Won The Lottery”

  1. thepsychobabble

    pay off the house, and the car.
    Buy my mom a new house.
    Stock up for the apocalypse…;)
    Buy a cabin in the woods, so I can avoid people. Because people generally suck.
    Finish school, without having to work, too.
    travel the world, several times.

  2. Ashleigh

    I want ninjas too!
    Buy a house.
    Buy the husband a Walmart because he is convinced that is a safe place for when the zombies take over.
    Pay for school.
    Put some in a high interest savings account and not touch it.
    Ohh. And shoes. Lots of shoes.
    Open a bakery.
    Open an Irish pub bar thing.
    Travel to bomb ass places like Australia and France and Italy.
    Buy a lifetime supply of Little Debbie Fudge Brownies. and Easy Mac.
    Hm. I can’t think of anything else.

  3. SingleParentDad

    I offer outstanding bed and breakfast rates to recent lottery winners, keep that in mind.

    If I won, I’d go buy a Ford Ka, taking my crash helment with me, and drive it round the corner and straight back through the window of the showroom that sold it me. Every day.

  4. hello haha narf

    regardless of how much you pay me, i am not tattooing your name on me. what really cracks me up is that you would name a child thor whether the child was male or female. i love that about you. what i bet britt doesn’t love about you is that you will not give her enough money to stop working.

  5. Zom

    I’d buy a wal-mart, and make every single parking space a handicapped spot. T hen I’d hire a cop to constantly patrol the lot giving tickets to all violators. …… and a new pair of work boots.

  6. Kim

    I’d pay off the house, then pay someone to finish writing my doctoral dissertation for me (using my words and findings, of course). Then I’d pay off my student loans (which total 100% of my current salary) and take one hell of a vacation. But since you’ve got to play to win, the odds of my winning are nil. And it’s not that I’m concerned about the $2, it’s just that I don’t have TIME to buy a ticket!

  7. Hilly

    I’d travel for an entire year, maybe more. Since I rent, I could just close up shop, sell my car and fly to Europe and start there. I’d go EVERYWHERE that I’d always wanted to go.

    When I got back, I’d buy a lovely huge home in Marin County or somewhere else on the Northern coast of California, hire myself a chef that could cook all of my healthy meals, give money to some charities, invite Ryan Reynolds over for dinner and then seduce him away from that skank Scarlett.

    Oh also? I’d totally open up a really charming coffee house/cafe/blogger haven type place.

  8. Sybil Law

    Spedning $2 a week is not a big deal. It’s the people who spend half their weeks salary playing tons of lotto games that are idiots.
    Anyway, I’d:
    Pay off the house
    Build another house… somewhere (location is iffy, as of now)
    Build the houses around me for either friends or family
    Save a shit ton of money
    The rest is debatable – maybe take off for a year and travel all over the country/ world – highly likely; give money anonymously to deserving people; or maybe go back to school for architecture.
    The beauty of it is that I seriously don’t need a ton of money to be happy, so I think I’d have a lot of it until I die. Dreaming about it is a lot of fun, though. 🙂

  9. NYCWD

    I play Mega-Millions… so I’ve thought about it a bit too.

    Definitely buy a condo and a house upstate
    Maybe a condo in a city I’ve always wanted to live in
    A new truck
    Maybe a vacation
    I’d get Kat Von D to tattoo my DNR on my chest
    Definitely some Ninjas
    Some more kittays
    And of course some Certificates of Deposits for the wolves

    Oh, and I’d buy a Taco Bell… for my condo.

  10. Blondefabulous

    Buy a home.
    Buy a new car.
    Acquire a financial planner to make some safe investment for the future.
    Travel.
    Open a no-kill animal shelter.
    Build a shelter for people displaced from homes due to job loss.

    Oh….. and get a ninja. (the motorcycle.)

  11. avatgardener

    Fat farm (For fifty).
    Four fabulous (oh hell, I can’t alliterate this!!)
    Four houses – – fully furnished (I am trying!!).
    Chef, gardener, laundress, housekeeper (probably not the same person)(at each house)
    Fine car, with chauffeur, at each house, (maybe 2)
    Fund family members, fifteen K each, maybe.
    Philanthropy – – PBS, my high school band, local women’s shelter, food bank.
    Hire three people to read to me, taking turns, stopping only when I sleep.
    (Looks like i have a staff of 20 already, I’ll need an accountant)

    But I have already won 5 bucks, several times. I just buy more tickets.

  12. B.E. Earl

    I like Dawg’s tattoo idea. 🙂

    Speaking of tattoos, YOU would advocate someone getting a tramp stamp? Wow!

    I would buy a beach house somewhere on a barrier island near Charleston, SC (Folly Beach, perhaps) so that Gia could live near her sister and I could hear the surf. That’s about all I would need.

  13. Badass Geek

    I would clear all of my debts, and if possible, the debts of my family members. Then, I’d buy a house with a four-car garage, and fill the garage with all of my dream cars. And after that, if anything was left, I’d save it and live off the interest.

  14. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    I tried to finish reading your list but I just couldn’t get over the fact that you want to live on the beach. I guess it’s so you can show off your awesome Beach Wear Collection?

    If I won the lottery I’d tell my boss to shove it; go back to school just because I like school; buy a house; finally fucking fix the damage on my car from my accident last year; buy Mike a badass sports car of some kind and a Lancer Evolution for meeeeeeee.

  15. Jay

    I would just hire about 6 really hot 21 year old girls to act as my entourage and move to Vegas. Then I’d take the girls out to the casinos every night and play blackjack. And on weekends we’d hang out at the sports book. Then, when I got bored with that I would probably move to some small fishing village in Mexico and just hang out, drink tequila and write a book about a guy who has an entourage of six 21 year old babes and lives in Vegas.

    But, I’m kind of liking Grant’s idea. Except I would probably walk up to people and say something like “Are you on your way to work? Well I’m not!! hahahahaha!”

  16. Dawn

    If I won the lottery, I’d buy all those things on your list… for you. And then I’d get myself a little somthing with the leftovers. That’s how sure I am that I’m going to win the lottery. (I’ve also heard that I have to buy a ticket in order to win.)

  17. Christina

    Hire Lily Allen to sing “Fuck you” as I come into work and get my personal stuff and then walk out to a limo and head out of this place. (same goes for my husband)
    then we will sue the balance to pay off our wedding bills, our mortgage, our student loans.

    Buy a house in Spain and France a condo in London and NY
    Find a job that I want to do
    Invest!

  18. greg t

    I would buy 12 condos all over the world. I would spend a month at each. Have a sports car and a boat at each also. I would give away the rest to my family. I would also give the Catholic Church one dollar.

  19. floating princess

    I would fix up my house, pay it off, and give it to the boy. Then we would buy another ginormous house for myself and the hubs. We’d each have our own workshops and a gym. Then we’d travel and take classes, me for photography and cakery and him for bladesmithing and qi gong. Good times!

  20. ali

    I have only ever bought a lottery ticket ONCE…and I actually didn’t even buy it – someone bought it FOR ME…but I am still upset that I never win. heh. oh, the things I’d do with it….

    definitely move to Atlanta permanently. buy a house there. get rid of my minivan and buy a jeep. fly to NYC more often to see my sister.

    totally go back to school and be a professional student forever 🙂 and maybe actually finish writing my book.

  21. jen

    Pay off all debt, then build a self-sustaining, off-the-grid ranch in the mountains (Oregon probably, maybe Montana) and hide from all the stupid people in the world. After that, depending on how much I win… maybe run an animal rescue, collect classic Mustangs, and invest the rest. And instead of ninjas… well, it’d be more like our own super-secret militia.

  22. Nobody™

    “Pay people to follow me around with trumpets, announcing my presence”

    I must say I’ve never considered that one, but now that you’ve planted that seed in my head I think I would totally do that. How great would it be to have trumpeters announcing the presence of “Nobody”? It’s brilliant.

  23. Headless Mom

    I would let you put my name in the hat for the tramp stamp but my husband probably wouldn’t get it. Could I then use the money to cover “Avitable” with something a little more palatable for my husband?

    How much are we talking here?

  24. GrandeMocha

    I’m quitting my job by text message. I’ve got it written in my head.

    I would send my kid to the second best school in town. It is less snobby and more artsy than #1.

    I would hire someone to deliver Starbucks and a newspaper to me every morning.

    I would spend my winters in the Carribean because after Dec. 26, snow sucks.

  25. Tara R.

    I live in Florida too, now I’m almost afraid to play the lottery and spoil your plans. The very first thing I would do after I won would be to hire a singing telegram to give my resignation to my boss.

  26. muskrat

    First, I’d pay a shitload of taxes.

    Then, I’d give 10% away, like I do now. But, I’d have to divide it over multiple charitable organizations instead of just one.

    After that, surprisingly, I’d do some of the same things you plan to do! The only debt I have is our house and a rental property I gave up on trying to sell years ago, so those mortgages would be gone. Then I’d build some monstrosity in Buckhead that would piss off all the neighbors because of its lack of historic character.

    I already like my car, so I’d keep it.

    I love to ski, so I’d have to build a skin in/ski out chalet in Park City so I could watch your screenplay when it’s picked up by Sundance.

    My wife likes the ocean, so I’d have another place she’d like…probably in Hawaii.

    I’ve been to all by 6 states, I believe, so I’d go visit them (mainly in the NE part of the country).

    I already have a financial adviser picked out who would start me a good hedge fund with what’s left of the nest egg. I had lunch with him not too long ago. See? I already plan to be wealthy one day.

    I’d keep practicing law but would hire a very good and experienced paralegal to do the crap I don’t like doing.

    I’d likely get out of the National Guard.

    I wouldn’t worry about where my kids are going to school. I’d just spend $25k/year and send each where I want them to go.

    I’d blog more and get more involved in local politics. A few years later, I’d run for office.

    I’d leave long comments like this on every blog I like, every day.

  27. Sarcastica

    If I won the lottery, I’d;
    ~ buy a home in the country, a big one. With an indoor pool and a music room and a huge sprawling library. And lots of gardens. And space.
    ~ pay people to look after the gardens and clean the house and do my laundry.
    ~ get a boxer, a doberman and a rotti mix.
    ~ go back to school for CYW and open my own camp for kids with special needs.
    ~ have more kids
    ~ write a book
    ~ have that book become a movie
    ~ become an actress for the hell of it
    ~ go on vacations with my family and explore every place on earth
    ~ get a huge ass boat
    ~ adopt a kid or two
    ~ have a stable full of horses
    ~ learn to ride those horses
    ~ pay people to take care of them
    ~ create my own line of clothing
    ~ have a walk in closet the size of my current house (ahhahaa)
    …and I’ll end it here because I could go on forever and ever. lol

  28. Lauren

    I like your ideas so all of those plus paying my sister to divorce her husband (everyone has their price) and move back to Texas and finish college. And taking trips, blah blah blah. Mostly paying people to get them to do what I want.

  29. Bre

    If I won BIG I’d open some kind of student-health clinic. For students of ALL ages without health insurance.
    If I won a fair amount of money, I’d mostly do selfish things that would allow me to give back to my community at a later time. (Buy a new car, get a house, student loans… blah, blah, blah). Travel is a must when winning a lump sum. I think Jay would vote for a ninja, too, but hey– it’s MY money! Lol

  30. mommymae

    pay all debts, send kids to private school so they didn’t complain about being bored, take numerous classes that interest me (like photography & fashion design,) hire a nanny to wake up with the children in the morning, also so i could go to said classes & the gym, join a gym, buy a house in venice beach, put the rest in high yield accounts.

  31. Comrade Rutherford

    A man goes to his doctor for a checkup. His doctor says that if he does not change his ways, get more exercise and eat healthier foods, that he has a 1 in 3 chance of having a fatal heart attack.

    “I’ll take my chances,” says the hapless man.

    Later the man goes to his corner store and buys a lottery ticket. The clerk reminds him that is chances of winning are 1 in 18 million.

    The man replies, “Today is my lucky day!!!”

    + + + + +

    Indeed, the lottery is a tax on the mathematically challenged.

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