Categorically Uncategorized

The shallow movie critic II

Back in June, I did the first “shallow movie critic” post. The premise is simple:

Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover? I’ll demonstrate the fallacy of that statement by writing completely accurate movie synopses based solely on the images on the poster.


Cloverfield: There’s this guy who has the worst luck in the world. On the day that he’s going to take his girlfriend up to the top of the Statue of Liberty and propose to her, a gang of terrorists blow it up and kill her while he watches. Despondent, he runs back to his home country of Ireland where he finds a magical clover field that has thousands of four leaf clovers. His luck changes instantly, and he is blessed with riches and many friends, plus an elderly uncle dies and gives him a castle. He meets a new girl and falls in love, and they decide to fly back to New York to get married but right before he gets on the plane, he trips and breaks his neck. At first he curses the clover field for taking his luck, but then when he sees the news that a meteor destroyed NYC, he realizes that he was lucky after all.

He's Just Not That Into You
He's Just Not That Into You

He’s Just Not That Into You: A woman working at one of those factories that makes candy hearts is bitter about love. Every boyfriend she gets dumps her within weeks, and she decides that if she can’t be happy, nobody can be happy. She starts making horrible messages to go into random bags of candy hearts, like “I have herpes” and “I’m leaving you because you won’t do anal” and these bags are sent worldwide. One man finds one of her hearts that says “He’s just not that into you” in the street after an angry girl throws it away, and he decides to track down the person who wrote it. He finds her and falls in love and in the end, she makes a heart that says “Will you marry me?” that she gives to him and he says yes.

(500) Days of Summer
(500) Days of Summer

(500) Days of Summer: In the days after the polar icecaps melt, our annual cycle changes so that we have a year and a half of overwhelming heat, followed by an oppressive winter for another 500 days. One young boy ignores the end of times and burning heat to write letters to the love of his life, who lives in another country, but he can’t visit her because all of the boats broke when the icecaps melted and planes can’t fly because they melt when they get too close to the sun thanks to the ozone layer disappearing. He writes her a letter for every day of summer and right before the winter takes over, he dies from skin cancer, which she doesn’t find out until she arrives after taking almost all winter to walk across the frozen ocean to be with him.

Star Trek
Star Trek

Star Trek: The Motion Picture: Three super beings, each with a power over a part of the color spectrum, arrive on Earth. Aquagreen, Red Man, and Yellow Forehead are fish out of water as they look for someone with the mysterious power over the color white. They find a small boy who has dreamed in black and white his entire life and they help him with bullies and his unwilling-to-understand stepfather and he helps them unlock the mystery of the universe. Oh, and there’s a bad guy who controls black that they have to beat with all of their powers combined.

Quantum of Solace
Quantum of Solace

Quantum of Solace: This guy goes around killing everyone who uses the phrase “Quantum of Solace” because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

And now your requisite daily Halloween Party blurb:

Did you know that Dave2 from Blogography drew an exclusive design just for our Halloween Party? It’s only available for a limited time, and you can only get this design here. Don’t miss out on a chance to own this awesome piece of art! For every order, a small percentage goes towards the party fund, so buy early and buy often:

Share the love:
Follow by Email

21 Replies to “The shallow movie critic II”

  1. kapgar

    You pretty much nailed Quantum of Solace.

    Maybe I missed something, but I tried to get Dave’s design on a coffee mug and Zazzle wouldn’t let me. Was that an intentional choice? When I visit his design on Zazzle, all I can do is apply it to shirts/sweatshirts, nothing non-clothing.

  2. Hilly

    You know that you can get those candy hearts to say whatever you want them to say now? I suggest that you print out your version of candy hearts for Valentine’s Day. I’d totally buy “I’m leaving you because you won’t do anal.”

  3. hello haha narf

    i’d watch anything with daniel craig. while sick this weekend i watched lara croft tomb raider TWICE and drooled all over my self every damn time he was on the screen.

    but back to you. i like your movie poster reviews and would actually see a few of those movies if they truly were what you said they were.

  4. Momo Fali

    You know what else doesn’t make any sense? Why good people make bad movies. Apparently you can be a half-wit in Hollywood while you’re working with millions of studio dollars. I, however, work in a school cafeteria and would probably get my ass kicked if I dropped a bag of tots.

Leave a Reply