Yesterday, Patrick Swayze lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. Today, as usual, I score the only posthumous interview to be found. Take that, real journalists!
Me: So, um, Patrick, thanks for being here.
PS: You sound hesitant, chile’.
Me: Well, you’re in blackface and have a wig with dreadlocks on.
PS: It’s the only way I can communicate with you. I’m being channeled into the body of Oda Mae Brown.
Me: There’s no need to do that. I have the ability to interview people after they die for one final interview.
PS: Oh. Well, uh, do you want to play some Righteous Brothers and make some pottery?
Me: Gay much?
PS: Fine. Ask your damn questions.
Me: I watched Black Dog in theaters. Can I have my $5.50 back?
PS: Ha, very funny.
Me: Well, I’m kind of serious, but really – why did you make such shitty movies, over all?
PS: No, no. Look, you’ve gotta understand what it’s like, man. You come from the streets and suddenly you’re up here, and these producers, they are throwing money at ya, and it smells so good, and they really take care of you. I mean, I never knew producers could be like that, you know? And they’re so rich, they’re so goddamn rich, you think they must know about everything. And they’re slipping their scripts in my hands, two and three times day, different producers. So, here I think I’m scoring big, right? And for a while, you think, hey, they wouldn’t be doing this if they didn’t care about me, right?
Me: I understand. You were just using them, that’s all.
PS: No, no that’s not it. That’s the thing, man, see it wasn’t like that. They were using me.
Me: But honestly? Does that excuse Father Hood? Three Wishes? Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights?
PS: Look, spaghetti arms. That is my movie space. This is your blog space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine. You gotta hold the frame.
Me: That doesn’t even make any sense.
PS: Nobody puts Adam in a corner.
Me: Now I know that you’re just quoting lines from one of the three decent movies you’ve starred in. Why can’t you just answer me honestly?
PS: I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.
Me: Oh, come on! That one wasn’t even your line!
PS: Fine. I’ll stop quoting movie lines. I’ll tell you my secret.
Me: Go ahead.
PS: I can’t really act. I have three expressions: surprised, angry, and tightly intense. After that, I just dance or kick or run really fast, and then they cut to another scene.
Me: Yeah, I figured. I’ve seen a lot of your movies, even the shitty ones. You should have stuck with that ballet gig.
PS: Yeah, but then I never would have met my wife.
Me: Wait, you’re straight? No way!
PS: Of course I am!
Me: You like women?
PS: I was married to one for thirty years!
Me: Hm. I just assumed the whole sex appeal to women thing was an act, like Tom Cruise, Ryan Seacrest, and George Clooney.
PS: Nope. I am a veritable pussy magnet.
Me: Now you’re trying too hard to sound macho.
PS: I carried a watermelon.
Me: And we’re back to the movie quotes. You’re a waste of my fucking time.
PS: Yeah, I guess that’s what you *would* see. I’ll never be sorry, Baby.
Me: Jesus. Move on already – go to heaven or hell or the giant ballet academy in the sky. I’m done with you.
PS: Ditto.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Interview with Henry Gibson
My Interview with Roy Scheider
My interview with Corey Haim
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i hate you for the fact that i liked this!
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Twitter: elizawhat
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 12:41 pm
@hello haha narf, I’m with you. I love Patrick Swayze but this cracked me the fuck up. I tried not to laugh, really!
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@hello haha narf, Me too!! This should NOT have been that funny. I love Patrick Swayze!
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@hello haha narf, but I was nice to him. Kind of.
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First!!!! Finally.
Farewell to fine fancy footwork.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 8:17 am
@avatgardener,
sadly, second…
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@hello haha narf, i know. when I started typing i was first, but by the time i figured out how to alliterate what i wanted to say (not very well, at that) you had jumped in there. that’ll learn me, durn me.
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@avatgardener, faux first.
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Is it wrong that every time I read your interview with a dead celebrity I want another one to die so I can read that interview?!
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@themuttprincess, heh. I’m glad you enjoy them. I enjoy doing them.
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Hahahahahaha!
But back off my man Clooney. He is not gay! WAH!
I’m going to put you in a corner…
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 8:14 am
@Sybil Law, George Clooney is not gay. No way!
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@Sybil Law, I don’t know – didn’t you hear about the prank Matt Damon played on him? Google Matt Damon George Clooney gay rumor.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
was it actually patrick swayze who hollered “wolverines” or was it someone else? damn, i love that movie and can’t remember right now.
WOLVERINES!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 8:51 am
@hello haha narf, It was C. Thomas Howell who memorably shouted it as he took on the Russian assualt chopper. But I think a few of them may have at other times in the flick as well.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 9:02 am
@B.E. Earl,
i should have known it would be you that came to my rescue on this question! yay, earl!!
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@hello haha narf, I’ve never seen it, actually.
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I’m going to get tomatoes thrown at me for saying this but I never really was a huge Swayze fan (in movies, that is). I’m sad that he is dead because of his long battle with cancer that no one should have to go through but not because Road House lives in infamy in my heart.
(Except Dirty Dancing rocks hard, so there’s that.
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@Hilly, Me, either! Or, me, too! (I mean, I agree with you. GAH. Too damn early.)
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@Hilly, I’m not a huge fan, although he was good in Donnie Darko. And I really like Dirty Dancing and Ghost.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
You mixed two different lines from two different scenes. BLASPHEMY!!!
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@Miss Britt, is this from the Church of Babyindacorna?
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But I LIKED ‘Roadhouse’. I thought Sam Elliott was a little numb, but PS was good.
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@lceel, I liked it, too. He ripped a guy’s throat out with his bare hands!
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
I was kind of expecting you to reenact the famous dance move with Miss Britt. Now that would be quite a tribute!
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@LeSombre, hahahahaha! We should totally do that, in the pool.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Road House was clearly his opus. The ensemble cast alone (Sam Elliot, Ben Gazzara, Kevin Tighe, John Doe, Terry Funk, etc…) is worth watching. But it was Swayze as Dalton that stirred the drink.
“All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.”
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Twitter: elizawhat
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 12:42 pm
@B.E. Earl, Road House rocked! I really liked Red Dawn, too, but Ghost is my absolute favorite.
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@B.E. Earl, I need to watch it again. It’s been a long time.
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Do you prepare these interviews ahead of time for the celebrities that are terminally ill, like the news channels do? Or is your wit that quick?
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@Kimi, I wish I was that prepared. I wrote it in about 30 minutes last night.
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I never really cared for him much as an actor, but I appreciate the impact he had on peoples lives.
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@Badass Geek, it’s sad that he died so young.
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He made three decent movies? Were all of them Road House?
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@Grant, Ghost and Dirty Dancing are good movies!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Are you kidding me? Not a single mention of Too Wong Foo… one of my favorite movies of his. I loved the fact that as a straight man he was able to pull off that role effortlessly, and I think he was a fine actor. He just liked getting paid, you know? And people wanted to pay him not to act. That’s how I see it.
Also, this line from that movie changed my life, it’s, like, my motto: “I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things and moisturize, I cannot stress this enough.”
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Twitter: s_csr
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 10:54 am
@Faiqa, I was getting pissed on poor Patrick’s behalf. Not a single mention of how good his legs looked in those heels? ::sigh:: Too Wong Foo is one of the best movies EVER.
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Twitter: s_csr
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 10:54 am
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Fuck. *TO* Wong Foo.
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Twitter: perpstu
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 11:35 am
@Faiqa, I love that movie and you are right. It definitely should have been mentioned in the interview!
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@Faiqa, I’ve actually never seen it. I need to.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 7:00 pm
I loved this post. I often read your blog in bed with my phone now and forget to come and comment in the morning. You made me giggle with this one!
And amen to To Wong Foo – you MUST see it. It’s hilarious.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
To Wong Foo, not too. Oops.
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bwahahaha
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@christie,
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So this dude won’t be in your top ten then?
And I guess you won’t know who Keith Floyd is? A ‘celebrity’ that also died today.
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@SingleParentDad, no idea on Keith Floyd. And nope – he doesn’t make my top ten!
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The giant ballet academy in the sky! Nice.
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@cat, they pirouette and stretch for eternity. And have really flexible awesome sex.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I realized you didn’t mention To Wong Foo because you’re jealous that Patrick would look better in my heels than you did.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I looked ffffabulous!
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
WOLVERINES!!!
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@NYCWD, never seen it.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
on September 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, September 15, 2009 @ 3:16 pm
@Avitable, That figures.
Communist.
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I think the sole reason he did Road House was to balance all those girly roles. And yes, it sucked.
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@always home and uncool, Road House was great!
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“Oh, come on! That one wasn’t even your line!”
YOU WIN. That was hysterical.
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@Miss, heh. Thanks.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I’m a socialist and I approve of this post.
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@Poppy, umm, Wolverines!?
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Twitter: poppycede
on September 16th, 2009 at Wednesday, September 16, 2009 @ 6:52 am
@Avitable, now you’ve angered me, sir.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Pain don’t hurt.
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@muskrat, nobody puts pain in a corner?
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On the outside, I’m all, “IT IS TOO SOON TO LAUGH,” but on the inside, I’m cracking up. Oh, fuck it, on the outside, too. Apropos of all this: I once wrote a limerick about Roadhouse. I must find it…
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@metalia, oh, it’s never too soon to laugh. And a limerick about Road House while tossing off words like “apropos” in a comment? Swoon.
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Road HOUSE, I mean. Two separate words.
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Seems Oda Mae Brown is still in business.
And love the ending. Another classic interview from barely beyond the grave.
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@martymankins, I’m the reincarnation of Oda Mae Brown, actually.
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I loved To Wong Foo, but must admit that “Next of Kin” is high on my list of favorite movies ever.
[Six years in the mountains and hollers of WV will do that to a girl.]
I loved Road House, too. Never really cared for Dirty Dancing and Ghost, though.
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@renn, I loved Dirty Dancing and Ghost – Jennifer Grey and Demi Moore were smoking hot then.
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