The Emmys, which aired last night, have been irrelevant for many years. They’re voted on by out of touch morons who wouldn’t understand good television if it broke into their house and skullfucked them while they watched the new Jay Leno show.
Here are the awards that should be given out instead. It might inject a little excitement into the whole proceedings:
- Most clever substitution for variations of “fuck” in the dubbing of an R-rated movie on Network TV
- Outstanding performance by a decrepit actor who used to be good but is really pathetic now
- Most side boobs and butt shots by series that really wishes it could move to HBO
- Highest usage of laugh track even though your audience isn’t stupid and doesn’t need to be told when to laugh
- Worst use of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” over a montage
- Highest number of incidents of one character going over to another character’s home to talk to them about something minor rather than using the phone
- “The Chin” award for lamest monologue jokes during a late night variety show
- Best one-note character who was brought in for a quick joke but became the best thing on their lame show until he was overexposed so much that everybody hated him
- Highest achievement in writing that one episode that every show does where people switch minds, go back in time, meet doppelgangers, or have an alternate future where someone dies
- Best show that should have had many, many seasons if most television watchers weren’t sheep and could appreciate smart writing
- Best LOST spin-off that pits random strangers together to solve some mystery but none of the viewers will ever figure it out because it will get canceled halfway through the season.
- Most degrading stunt in a dating reality show that pits pathetic people against one douchey fuck who are all trying to find true love if by love you mean fame and fortune
- Best writing for a show containing 20-something fucknuts standing around a bar just talking to each other under the guise of being a reality show that is obviously scripted.
- Best ploy by a failing show to boost its ratings by either killing a character, marrying two characters, or having guest stars every week
- Highest achievement in in-show product placement that is so obvious and blatant that it ruins the show
- Largest ad banner that promotes the network’s really shitty shows while obscuring 25% of the screen of the few good shows
- Most creative attempt to get viewers to watch television live since ending shows two minutes late so the ending isn’t recorded by the DVR
- Best outlandish plot that requires the characters to do ridiculously stupid things that could have all been avoided if people just talked to each other like they do in real life
Now this would be an Emmys that I’d watch!
Enjoy this post? Try these:What I’m watching this TV season
On Television Finales (May Contain Spoilers)
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
The only reason to watch tonight was NPH. He was da bomb, yo.
Ahem.
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@B.E. Earl, I’ll definitely catch it online.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Oh, and the BEST use of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” in a series was the “Posse Comitatus” episode of The West Wing. Performed by Jeff Buckley. That one was amazing.
And I just re-watched “Watchmen” last week and thought the “Hallelujah” scene was awful. In fact, I loved the entire film the first time I saw it, but the second time? Not so much. Feh.
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Twitter: msmegan
, September 21st, 2009: 9:42 AM
@B.E. Earl, I completely concur about The West Wing’s use of that song. Made me run to iTunes to buy it.
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@B.E. Earl, I could never get into The West Wing.
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@B.E. Earl, hubs and I loved that montage in TWW. Still one of our favorite shows.
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I’d pay good money to see that!!
I’d also pay to see the morons get skullfucked though… by Jay Leno…
As for DVR- can I just say how WONDERFUL it is to live in Canada- home of the freeness of filesharing???
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@Potty Mouth Mommy, I don’t want to see Jay Leno skullfuck anyone!
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i emjoyed the emmy’s last night, but you have great idea’s!!
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@sudobeer, dammit Ed I’m going to get you a book on possessives vs. plurals!
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@Avitable, i am sorry. truly i am. i have never been good at it.
*sigh*
i guess i will have to use the long form again.
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@sudobeer, hahahah – don’t be too crestfallen.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Kristin Chenoweth was pure gold last night. He acceptance speech was touching and funny all in the same small package. I hope one of the shows she mentioned picks her up…. they’d be stupid not to!
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@Blondefabulous, she is pretty damn awesome.
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Avitable Basically Can’t Deal Emmy’s. Feigning Goodness, Has Itemized Just Kidding List. Many Nominees Offended, Protest Quietly. Rather Seriously, The Union Verily Will eXclude You. Zounds!!!
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@avatgardener, that is impressive!!!!
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@Kimi, thank you
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@avatgardener, and how long did that take you?
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@Avitable, less than 10 minutes. I had up to “g” in about a minute, took a quick walk down the hall and came back with up to “t”. I had to write the rest of the letters on a post it and look at them for a moment and flip thru dictionary pages in my mind to find the right words. This is one of those brain exercises recommended by AARP for us old folks to keep the mind limber. I was almost getting bored with the alliteration. This break from it will suffice, unless tomorrow’s post is as substantial. I appreciate it when you hand me these gems to work with.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I just can’t believe how much people get into awards shows. Really, what is so interesting about watching people who are thinner and richer than you get pat on the back? Absolutely nothing. The whole thing just makes a person feel like the epitome of the word sycophant.
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@Faiqa, Love you, love your show!
I loathe awards shows and I don’t get them either. There is no point!
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@Faiqa, I like seeing the underdog win, though. And I enjoy when smart wins over mass appeal.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I wish I’d just watched for NPH, I love him.
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@Robin, yeah, he is pretty awesome sauce.
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I started to watch the Emmy’s, until they started sucking 2 minutes into it. I’d definitely watch YOUR Emmys!
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@Sybil Law, I’d just call them the Adammys.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Damn, I’m disappointed you didn’t name the winners for these awards!
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@Miss Britt, yeah, I was thinking about that last night, but I was too tired.
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Bossy likes your Emmys a lot better than the Emmys she reviewed today.
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@BOSSY, except mine didn’t have the Silver Fox in them.
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I think the dubbers of Delores Claiborne should get a special lifetime achievement award for inadvertently making it a comedy when they decided that, instead of swearing “Jesus Christ”, Kathy Bates should instead frequently spit out “cheese and crackers.” By “lifetime award” I am of course talking about being anally raped live on stage with a spiked dildo and no lube.
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@Grant, I’m pretty sure “cheese and crackers” was what she said in the book. Or was that Kathy Bates in Misery?
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Now, THIS award show I would watch. Could you add one for most times it isn’t lupus on “House, M.D.”? I do love that show.
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@JD at I Do Things, I don’t like House, but even I’ve heard about that cliche on there!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
I would have liked to see your winners for these too.
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@Finn, I’m too lazy.
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I didn’t watch the actual Emmy’s but I surely would have watched yours.
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@Jennifer, mine would have been better, plus there would have been nudity!
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I gave up on award shows loooonnng ago – can you start your own? It sounds much better. I’d watch!
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@beth, I should. We’ll call them the Adammys.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I had the Emmys streaming on my laptop while I watched the football game. The Emmys are much more tolerable with the sound off.
You could also add: “Best lame, goofy sitcom dad who works a blue collar job, doesn’t know his kids ages or full names, but is somehow married to a ridiculously hot woman” category.
Oh and the winner for “Best cleavage” last night goes to Blake Lively. She is one of the stars of “Gossip Girl” which, not surprisingly would win the “Show that is most likely to be watched by Jay with the sound muted” category. I call it the “Charmed” award.
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@Jay, that’s a good category – we’ll definitely add it to the list.
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“Best show that should have had many, many seasons if most television watchers weren’t sheep and could appreciate smart writing.”
And the nominees are…
Pushing Daisies and pretty much anything else Bryan Fuller has done.
Veronica Mars
Firefly
Dead Like Me
Arrested Development
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@Hilly, yup, exactly!
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Hopefully you’ll win next for most best sidekick in a Jennifer Aniston movie.
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm882018560/nm0283945
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@GrandeMocha, usually people say I look like Kevin Smith.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
The Emmy’s were on last night? Huh. Go figure.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), not too surprised that you missed that, Ms. Oblivious!
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Your Emmys sound much more appealing than the version I didn’t watch last night.
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@Chag, I think they would be.
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Twitter: stillcrafty
says:
“See what happens, Larry? This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”
Still the most hysterical, non sequitur overdub of an R rated line … EVER. And it doesn’t hurt that Lebowski is one of my favorite movies. EVER.
This is the only thing I can add because I don’t have a TV and haven’t had one in forever.
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@Shannon, the Dude abides.
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Twitter: stillcrafty
, September 21st, 2009: 7:09 PM
Yes indeed.
I need to watch that again. Soon.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
can you just go ahead and rule the world so that everything is according to your wishes? i want you to be happy. and i like the insanity in your head.
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@hello haha narf, I’ll see what I can do.
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I’d totally watch that… you know, if I liked award shows.
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@christie, my point exactly.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
That guy who hosted the VMAs fucking SUCKED and deserves a “The Chin” award.
I’m British by DNA, I can say that.
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@Poppy, Russell Brand? I don’t find him that funny at all.
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