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My version of the Emmy Awards.

The Emmys, which aired last night, have been irrelevant for many years. They’re voted on by out of touch morons who wouldn’t understand good television if it broke into their house and skullfucked them while they watched the new Jay Leno show.

Here are the awards that should be given out instead. It might inject a little excitement into the whole proceedings:

  • Most clever substitution for variations of “fuck” in the dubbing of an R-rated movie on Network TV
  • Outstanding performance by a decrepit actor who used to be good but is really pathetic now
  • Most side boobs and butt shots by series that really wishes it could move to HBO
  • Highest usage of laugh track even though your audience isn’t stupid and doesn’t need to be told when to laugh
  • Worst use of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” over a montage
  • Highest number of incidents of one character going over to another character’s home to talk to them about something minor rather than using the phone
  • “The Chin” award for lamest monologue jokes during a late night variety show
  • Best one-note character who was brought in for a quick joke but became the best thing on their lame show until he was overexposed so much that everybody hated him
  • Highest achievement in writing that one episode that every show does where people switch minds, go back in time, meet doppelgangers, or have an alternate future where someone dies
  • Best show that should have had many, many seasons if most television watchers weren’t sheep and could appreciate smart writing
  • Best LOST spin-off that pits random strangers together to solve some mystery but none of the viewers will ever figure it out because it will get canceled halfway through the season.
  • Most degrading stunt in a dating reality show that pits pathetic people against one douchey fuck who are all trying to find true love if by love you mean fame and fortune
  • Best writing for a show containing 20-something fucknuts standing around a bar just talking to each other under the guise of being a reality show that is obviously scripted.
  • Best ploy by a failing show to boost its ratings by either killing a character, marrying two characters, or having guest stars every week
  • Highest achievement in in-show product placement that is so obvious and blatant that it ruins the show
  • Largest ad banner that promotes the network’s really shitty shows while obscuring 25% of the screen of the few good shows
  • Most creative attempt to get viewers to watch television live since ending shows two minutes late so the ending isn’t recorded by the DVR
  • Best outlandish plot that requires the characters to do ridiculously stupid things that could have all been avoided if people just talked to each other like they do in real life

Now this would be an Emmys that I’d watch!

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59 Replies to “My version of the Emmy Awards.”

  1. B.E. Earl

    Oh, and the BEST use of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” in a series was the “Posse Comitatus” episode of The West Wing. Performed by Jeff Buckley. That one was amazing.

    And I just re-watched “Watchmen” last week and thought the “Hallelujah” scene was awful. In fact, I loved the entire film the first time I saw it, but the second time? Not so much. Feh.

  2. avatgardener

    Avitable Basically Can’t Deal Emmy’s. Feigning Goodness, Has Itemized Just Kidding List. Many Nominees Offended, Protest Quietly. Rather Seriously, The Union Verily Will eXclude You. Zounds!!!

  3. Faiqa

    I just can’t believe how much people get into awards shows. Really, what is so interesting about watching people who are thinner and richer than you get pat on the back? Absolutely nothing. The whole thing just makes a person feel like the epitome of the word sycophant.

  4. Grant

    I think the dubbers of Delores Claiborne should get a special lifetime achievement award for inadvertently making it a comedy when they decided that, instead of swearing “Jesus Christ”, Kathy Bates should instead frequently spit out “cheese and crackers.” By “lifetime award” I am of course talking about being anally raped live on stage with a spiked dildo and no lube.

  5. Jay

    I had the Emmys streaming on my laptop while I watched the football game. The Emmys are much more tolerable with the sound off.

    You could also add: “Best lame, goofy sitcom dad who works a blue collar job, doesn’t know his kids ages or full names, but is somehow married to a ridiculously hot woman” category.

    Oh and the winner for “Best cleavage” last night goes to Blake Lively. She is one of the stars of “Gossip Girl” which, not surprisingly would win the “Show that is most likely to be watched by Jay with the sound muted” category. I call it the “Charmed” award.

  6. Hilly

    “Best show that should have had many, many seasons if most television watchers weren’t sheep and could appreciate smart writing.”

    And the nominees are…

    Pushing Daisies and pretty much anything else Bryan Fuller has done.
    Veronica Mars
    Firefly
    Dead Like Me
    Arrested Development

  7. Shannon

    “See what happens, Larry? This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”

    Still the most hysterical, non sequitur overdub of an R rated line … EVER. And it doesn’t hurt that Lebowski is one of my favorite movies. EVER.

    This is the only thing I can add because I don’t have a TV and haven’t had one in forever.

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