Late last night found me in my car, driving home tired and bleary-eyed. The familiar glow of the Burger King sign beckoned to me from the interstate, promising soda that would push off sleep for a few miles more. The exit was an inky black stillness, unbroken by street lamps or headlights. An inebriated woman attempted nonchalance while stumbling through the parking lot as I eased into the drive through lane.
The voice was gently tired as it took my simple order. I found myself speaking in hushed tones as if a normal voice would break the peace of the evening. I moved slowly around the corner and stopped at the window, frosted from the war between the frigid air inside and the sticky humidity of the night air. Waiting to complete our transaction, I heard a noise and looked through my open window to the parking lot on my right. On its haunches, right paw raised in the air, a high five left hanging, sat a raccoon, surrounded by six of its brothers and sisters. The bandits chittered amongst themselves almost silently, moving slowly in some predetermined maneuver.
As if she were retracing her steps before misplacing her car, the intoxicated woman walked around the corner of the drive-through lane, stopping at the first closed window. In her late forties, wearing a short white skirt and a tight white leather jacket, her blond hair glowing in the fluorescent light, she was at sea, wobbling side to side as her own private yacht pitched from port to starboard.
Confused by her own reflection, she stared into the window, oblivious to my eyes on her through my rear view mirror. Oblivious to the 14 sparkling eyes observing her from the darkness. Timidly at first, gaining temerity with every step, the largest raccoon approached the woman. The others followed suit, looking side to side as they planned their assault. Even with her senses fogged and dulled, the woman felt them approach. She turned and stared quietly, while I watched her eyes shift back into focus at the ringed creatures before her.
Mere steps away, the leader sat and looked at her. It showed no fear or aggression, merely curiosity. A subtle nod of its head encouraged more of its brethren to join it. The woman looked around nervously, still unsure if her eyes were telling her the truth. Deciding to hope for the best and plan for the worst, she accepted her situation at face value. This was no fevered dream or hallucination.
“Gidoutaheah” her slurred words were clumsy and heavy, breaking the silence instantly. Like a bear, she raised her arms and kicked her feet, acting as Frankenstein in the sixth grade play. The bandits laughed at her and danced out of reach, their teeth baring as they sparred with her shadows.
The hissing and growling gave her pause. Maybe she wasn’t able to defend herself from these creatures, if they even existed. Sensing her confusion and concern, they created a half circle around her and inched closer. For a single second, she and I made eye contact and I envisioned her imminent attack. Raccoons snarling and biting as they bit into her flesh while she stumbled and fell to the concrete. I put my hand on the door handle when she gave in. Belying the amount of alcohol coursing through her veins, the woman sprinted around the corner, obscenities spraying out of her mouth like spittle.
The raccoons slinked backwards, becoming part of the inky backdrop, betrayed only by their shiny eyes, glinting with the tiniest hint of triumph.
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Enjoy this post? Try these:
Charlie Sheen or Gary Busey?
The one where I talk about men and women and piss everyone off.
Twinkle toes
Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Nice. The next time I see you, remind me to tell you the story about a raccoon invading my home as a child. And how the telling of that story should have changed the course of my life. Damn animals.
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@Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, but aren’t raccoons our friends?
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This did have such a Hunter Thompson-esque feel to it.
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@Corey, it was very surreal.
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Clever creative cursive concerning creatures – - clumsy and confused, cuddly.
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@avatgardener, Did you enjoy your soda?
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@avatgardener, they were cunning and conniving. And yes, my soda kept me awake for the drive.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
So today’s lesson is Adam is a pussy.
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@SciFi Dad, I would have totally saved her if she needed it.
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This was a very nice way of telling a story about some ghetto hoodrat sucking on the hooch! I think I know which Burger King you’re talking about…maybe.
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@Hilly, the one about six miles away from your exit.
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I was kinda hoping the skank would get bitten. Is that wrong?
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@Sybil Law, that would have been funny had it happened!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
RACOOOOONS!!
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Twitter: karensugarpants
, September 22nd, 2009: 8:42 AM
@Faiqa, WOLVERINES!
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Twitter: Faiqa
, September 22nd, 2009: 1:29 PM
@Karen Sugarpants, PLEASE. And if you’re talking about the team and not the animals, then DOUBLE PLEASE. Under the table bribed college athletes are no match for the power of Team Raccoons. Raccoons are fierce. And not in the way a well dressed gay man means it.
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@Faiqa, wow. So enlightening and such a contribution!
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Twitter: Faiqa
, September 22nd, 2009: 1:17 PM
@Avitable, You know it was well written, I don’t have to tell you that. The fact that I was actually riveted by over five hundred words describing a drunk woman almost being raped by raccoons is a testament to that.
Should I have written something like “the raccoons represent the fringes of society…blah blah I’m a pretentious bitch… and the woman’s slurring symbolizes… blah blah I’m so fucking self important… and the way in which you described humidity on the Burger King window was… blah blah well, it’s not Haaaarvaaard but it’s pretty good….
THAT better?!
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Twitter: Faiqa
, September 22nd, 2009: 1:23 PM
@Avitable, And, yes, I realize that your comment was ironic in light of a reply I gave to you on a previous post of mine.
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Twitter: Faiqa
, September 22nd, 2009: 1:25 PM
@Avitable, You have to ask yourself, “what *kind* of a human being am I when a person who is my good friend feels that they have to add three comments to justify writing “Racccoooon!” on my blog?”
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@Faiqa, heh. I love you.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
RED SHOES!
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@Miss Britt, *snort*
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@Hilly, you too.
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@Avitable, Jelly bean love…nomma nomma.
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@Miss Britt, I hate you.
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I’m sick and a lot on the cranky side, but I too was hoping the skank would get bitten. So, I declare it not wrong.
Great story. I was totally in the moment. I wonder if I could get the same feel telling the story of my husband yelling “Raccoons!!!” out of our tent in the middle of the night to scare them out of our campsite.
No, I don’t think so.
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@Nenette, wouldn’t that attract them to the campsite? They come when they’re called.
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@Avitable, only if we assume that these raccoons were smarter than the average raccoon and knew that they were, in fact, “raccoons”.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Gidoutaheah.
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@Finn, heh.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Raccoons do creepy human things with their hands/paws/claws.
No way in Hell I’m getting out of the car to help someone being attacked by a pack of them.
Although I have held young raccoons in my hand and fed them from a bottle. They are kinda sweet when they are young. And I knew a guy who kept one as a pet. It lived on his boat and it would follow him all over the marina. His boat smelled like raccoon shit, though. And the little fella got into everything. It’s the creepy human-like hands/paws/claws, ya see.
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@B.E. Earl, I love animals like that!
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Twitter: lceel
says:
That was an amazing piece of writing. Seriously. And a lurid and effective description of a drunk.
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@lceel, why, thank you!
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
Who knew you had this creative writing side to you? You’d never know from the Jesus Fucking Christ pictures.
I love both sides of Adam, just not the hairy parts.
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@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], but the hairy parts are the most fun!
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
Gidoutaheah was the best part of the whole story – I am still laughing at that part. And no, I don’t have your phone number.
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@Robin, that’s what it sounded like!
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Nicely woven story and hello, I love “Gidoutaheah”.
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@Janer, thanks.
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That grand prize is the foundation of my Halloween plans. You’d BETTER sell enough!
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@Miss Grace, the drawing is tomorrow – keep your fingers crossed!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Maybe they were just practicing their moves on her.
How many raffle tickets need to be bought to get to 100? Maybe that will encourag incentive.
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@Poppy, thank you again for helping out with the raffle!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
I thought for sure this was going to be a PSA about rabies and drinking at the BK. Alas, I am verklempt.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, just a little surreal moment in the weirdness of my life!
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That was some awesome writing. I knew you had it in you. I mean, the “acting as Frankenstein in the sixth grade play” metaphore? Brillers.
From the sounds of it, I, however, would sooner let a raccoon in my car than that the woman – or at least her white leather jacket?! But, I love raccoons…. they’re cewt.
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@Haley-O (Cheaty), I love that you just said “brillers”.
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Is it super nerdy of me to insist here that I KNOW there’s no E at the end of metaphor? Oh well…
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Twitter: rachael1013
says:
This was awesome to read. I love it that you captured one of those moments in life that you’ll probably always remember despite it’s brevity. Also, racoons fascinate and frighten me.
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@Rachael, I like the thought of raccoons better than the reality.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
That’s the weirdest drive-thru story ever. I’ll never complain again when Dunkin Donuts fucks up my coffee or hashbrowns!
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, it’s all about perspective.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
, September 27th, 2009: 11:36 AM
@Avitable, Lesson learned.
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