It’s been little more than 36 hours since I shaved off my beard of 15 years, 15 years of the best beard oil and grooming, gone! I’ve already noticed a huge difference. A certain someone used these words to describe how I look now: young, harmless, innocent, not intimidating, less guarded, and vulnerable. Another friend said that he thought my beard gave me magical powers. And I think they’re right. Here are just a few of the differences I’ve noticed between Bearded Adam and Beardless Adam:
|Never had to wait in line because people let him move to the front if he asked.||Has old ladies butt in front of him because they think they can take him.|
|Could easily pass as a lumberjack.||Can’t even pass as an altar boy.|
|Only got hit on by gay men with bear fetishes and women with a thing for beards.||Gets hit on by old women and college-aged lesbians.|
|Could walk, talk, chew gum, and text at the same time.||Can’t even talk to his friends and masturbate quietly simultaneously.|
|Felt comfortable in freezing temperatures.||Gets cold in the movie theater when his chin gets cold.|
|Could fly on a good day.||Can barely jump.|
|Never had anyone make direct eye contact him when he walked through a store.||Has people randomly approach him to ask if everything’s okay and if he’s lost.|
|Started buying beer without ID when he was 14.||Got carded for an R-rated movie.|
|Growled at children and snarled at old people.||Has strangers hand him their babies to hold.|
|Listened to Britney Spears, Avril Lavigne, Taylor Swift, and Gwen Stefani.||Oh – no change here.|
|Could lie to Jesus.||Can’t even lie to his gardener, Jesus.|
|Always had friends ask if he was angry or upset.||Has friends ask why he’s about to cry.|
|Put women on a pedestal and considered most men to be brutes.||Cleans the pedestal really well first.|
|Was an elitist pretentious snob who knew that he was smarter than you.||Knows he’s smarter than you but just wants to break it to you nicely.|
|Didn’t wear pants and worked in his underwear.||Would consider a dress.|
|Couldn’t stop playing with his penis.||Can’t stop playing with his chin.|
Raffle tickets: For those of you who would like to win a T-shirt, or maybe a round trip ticket to Orlando for the Halloween party, time is running out. There are 55 tickets remaining for sale, and they must be sold in the next three days! Tickets are only $7.00 each, and I know there are 20-30 of you out there who have $14 to spare. If you win any of the prizes, I’ll also throw in Avitable artwork – you choose what you want me to draw! Go here to buy your raffle tickets now.
T-shirts: Don’t forget an Invaded! T-shirt – they’ll only be available for a little while longer. Today’s featured shirt was designed by yours truly. Haven’t you wanted to wear some Avitable artwork on your chest? Now’s your chance!
And finally, if you are planning on coming to the party and can’t afford to buy an admission ticket yet, let me know so that I can hold one for you!