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Bearded Adam vs. Beardless Adam

It’s been little more than 36 hours since I shaved off my beard of 15 years, and I’ve already noticed a huge difference. A certain someone used these words to describe how I look now: young, harmless, innocent, not intimidating, less guarded, and vulnerable. Another friend said that he thought my beard gave me magical powers. And I think they’re right. Here are just a few of the differences I’ve noticed between Bearded Adam and Beardless Adam:


Bearded Adam

Beardless Adam
Never had to wait in line because people let him move to the front if he asked. Has old ladies butt in front of him because they think they can take him.
Could easily pass as a lumberjack. Can’t even pass as an altar boy.
Only got hit on by gay men with bear fetishes and women with a thing for beards. Gets hit on by old women and college-aged lesbians.
Could walk, talk, chew gum, and text at the same time. Can’t even talk to his friends and masturbate quietly simultaneously.
Felt comfortable in freezing temperatures. Gets cold in the movie theater when his chin gets cold.
Could fly on a good day. Can barely jump.
Never had anyone make direct eye contact him when he walked through a store. Has people randomly approach him to ask if everything’s okay and if he’s lost.
Started buying beer without ID when he was 14. Got carded for an R-rated movie.
Growled at children and snarled at old people. Has strangers hand him their babies to hold.
Listened to Britney Spears, Avril Lavigne, Taylor Swift, and Gwen Stefani. Oh – no change here.
Could lie to Jesus. Can’t even lie to his gardener, Jesus.
Always had friends ask if he was angry or upset. Has friends ask why he’s about to cry.
Put women on a pedestal and considered most men to be brutes. Cleans the pedestal really well first.
Was an elitist pretentious snob who knew that he was smarter than you. Knows he’s smarter than you but just wants to break it to you nicely.
Didn’t wear pants and worked in his underwear. Would consider a dress.
Couldn’t stop playing with his penis. Can’t stop playing with his chin.

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And finally, if you are planning on coming to the party and can’t afford to buy an admission ticket yet, let me know so that I can hold one for you!

107 thoughts on “Bearded Adam vs. Beardless Adam”

  1. Well, since you’re so harmless and cute (aww, your chin looks as smooth as a baby’s butt!), I can tell you that you pretty much look like a fresh-out-of-seminary priest without fear of, I dunno, being clubbed to death.


  2. Man, can we say misplaced modifiers? Yes we can.

    You look like a fresh-out-of-seminary priest. I can tell you that without fear of being clubbed to death, because you’re so harmless and cute. Also, your chin looks as smooth as a baby’s butt.

    Bah humbug.

    1. @avatgardener, how long did that chart thingie with the lines and everything take you? or is there a special software you used? not quite a ludditte/luditte/luddite/ludite, but close (oh the irony of spell check not knowing this word!!!!).

  3. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of something witty and I got nothing.

    Either way I think you’re still a big ol’ cuddly bear.

    Though, I am afraid to think of how many times you *may* have quietly been pulling your pud while we were on Skype…

  4. I just grew a beard after having a goatee for the last 18 years. I will use the information that you have given me to help explore my new powers.

    I have already noticed a 20% increase in dynamicism and virility and a 15% decrease in uncontrollable sobbing.

  5. I’m new here and I feel a little misled. I guess as long as you still write like the bearded version then it’s ok. I keep expecting you to yell “Pay no attention to the happy smiling guy behind the curtain!”
    And your musical taste made me gasp. Egad!
    But as usual you made me laugh out loud!

  6. “Has friends ask why he’s about to cry” totally slays me!

    But really, the way you posed in the picture is totally leading, you know. I bet you can still do dark and brooding without facial hair. Smiling like you are in the 2nd pic makes me think “Oh, I swear I saw him on last week’s episode of Glee.”

    But in the event I’m wrong (about the smile, not about you being on Glee), you may have to fix that, my dear. A face tattoo or some piercings could do the trick.

  7. Did your wife scream when she woke up next to you because she didn’t recognize you? My Mother did that after Dad shaved his beard off once, supposedly I wouldn’t go near him until it grew back. Personally I like you with the beard. You look nice both ways but the beard seems to fit your personality better.

  8. I’m not a beard-fan really, but on you it looked damn good. Grow it back! If I were a priest, I would molest you. I’m just a hetero female – I would molest bearded-Adam if I got close enough.

  9. You look great beardless! You have clearly lost a lot of weight! You look fantastic! Go you! 🙂

    And, btw, I am FINALLY catching up on your blog posts. Don’t have a heart attack, k? 😉

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