After spending a weekend at IZEAfest listening to people talk about social networking and their expertise in said arena, I have decided that I need to be at the forefront of a new trend. I want to be the pioneer of anti-social networking.
I will call this new network “Avitter”, and here’s how it would work:
1. Create a profile. There are no fields for your name or your URL or your personal information. Instead, you fill in your favorite quotes, snarky views on life, and showcase why you’re better than all of those people with whom you don’t want to be friends.
2. Don’t follow anyone. It’s not worth it, because people are stupid.
3. If someone wants to follow you, they have to demonstrate that they really, really, really want it. First, they request to follow you through the site. They will then be provided with a unique 128 digit hexadecimal series that will be their private pin. Next, they will be required to fill out a 10-page application, including a short essay, the subject of which would be “Why I Want To Be Your Friend”. After you review their application, if you determine that they may be worthwhile to permit, an in-person interview will be scheduled, and a deep background check will be ordered. Finally, after you’ve approved them, they have to input their pin every time they try to view your profile, your posts, reply to you, or even if they think of you.
4. Now that you have your anti-social network in place, all you have to do is create content! For the best Avitter experience, talk about people you hate, look down your nose on things that you are incapable of doing, and roll your eyes at people for taking actions that you’ve never tried before.
After these four simple steps, you’ll be all set. Before too long, you’ll be an expert on anti-social networking! Bigger and bigger advertisers will shun you, more and more PR reps will never email you, and the largest online magazines will never ask you to write for them. As you sit back in your dank, darkened room, with the glow of your monitor giving your face an evil, sickly glow, you can sit back and relax, knowing that you’ve conquered the anti-social networking game!
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
You’re such an antagonist.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I will support this endeavor, but I refuse to talk smack about people who don’t deserve it.
Oh, and I already have a PGP key, is that good enough?
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Amen Adam Avitter.
I wasted $40 to go to a WordCamp Birmingham event last weekend and all I saw and heard were igmo’s telling me what “social media” experts they were, how to make my blog look like theirs, and basically how Google could teach me everything I needed for free even though I shelled out money to listen to them. Yea, they had my $40, guess I was the idiot!
But anyway, I stayed for the first two hours, including the t-shirt and lunch before I hauled ass outta there and spent the rest of my weekend reading my real teachers on their own blogs. : )
Social Media Experts? WTF ?
I think we get that distinction upon leaving kindergarten and avoiding the short bus.
If you’re an adult and thinking that’s your life skill? Uh, no.
Fail.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
This post sounds quite negative.
I’d advise you to be me so you could get past it… but unfortunately you can’t be me. So all I can do is suggest that you try and be the best you that you can be! We should be propping each other up in social media rather than tearing each other down with anti-social media! Start being a “we” instead of an “I” when it comes to your online persona! You need to be more positive by interacting with others with absolute transparency… or at least semi-clarity! You are not a sham, Avitable, so there’s no need to drag people into darkness. You are special and unique and a source of joy and light on the internet! Use your light, Avitable… use your light to be a beacon in social media! Accept yourself as you really are so you can accept others as they really are and encourage people to not be not who they are! Just be yourself online and people will come and fill you with sparkly specialness, because who else can you truly be if not yourself? Be the you you were always means to be so that I can be the me I was meant to be! You CAN love yourself so others can love you, Avitable! You are ponies and rainbows and magical glitter in the world of social media! Be a social nurturer! Be a loving source of fluffy unicorn clouds and magical fairy dust of specialness! But above all just be YOU! Because people want to love YOU! Who else can they love but only YOU?
And once you can love you and allow me to love you… leverage the fucking shit out of your shiny specialness to build a fucking ass-load of fucking money! Because that’s why we’re all fucking here, isn’t it? Why else would you even fucking BE online if not to make some fucking cash? Don’t be my bitch in the world of social media… make me YOUR bitch so you don’t end up as some complete loser who is internet-famous, but dirt-poor! Use your light and love to make me your whore, Avitable! Be my pimp of shiny magical oneness, and then take all my fucking money! But do it all with transparency so I’ll still love the you that is the unique and special you that you want you to be! Conquer me with the you of you-ness that you, Avitable!
In summary… be the best you that you can be so that I can be the best me that I can be so you can monetize the ever-loving shit out of my love for your light and unique sparkly specialness!
.
Oh… did I mention that I am the keynote speaker at next year’s IZEAfest? See you there, you beautiful, special, unique, social media beacon of light, you!!
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@Dave2, I was going to try and think of a comment, which likely would have been snarky given my PMS and yesterday’s volume of Izea Fest tweets however…this made me gigglesnort. Dave wins.
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Twitter: Bellaventa
, October 4th, 2009: 8:30 AM
@Dave2, I am speechless. And trust me, that’s hard to accomplish. ::snort::
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
I was going to leave a comment, but that would be social.
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wow, then I am already an expert.
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you’re not alone! http://www.hatebook.org/
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My husband would be all over that!
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Other than the pin number and my ability to use my real name, that sounds like my current online experience.
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Give me $40, and I’ll give you a “social networking” experience. heh heh
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To be truly anti-social networking, I’d recommend a name for the site that pokes fun at more than just Twitter. Maybe something like Avitterbook?
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i’d post a comment, but i don’t need your recognition.
yes i do, love me.
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Sounds good.
Send me my essay.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I would join, but it takes too much effort. Besides, I’m already good at not getting the attention of advertisers, PR reps and online magazines.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
dammit, where is that fuck you giving smiley when i need it…
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The first time I tried to leave a comment, my computer shut itself down. That’s anti-socialism at its finest!
Wait a minute. If this is going to be an anti-social network, why do I have to show up in person for a face-to-face interview?
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
Please be my friend? I’m needy and require lots of maintenance, like accolades from Avitterers like yourself. Please, please, please?
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
As long as Avitter allows for the occasional virtual Dirty Sanchez, I’m game.
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You always have to be ahead of the curve, don’t you?
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Okay, first off, what the fuck is izeafest?
Second off, I love how practically every word in the english language can be combined with your last name in some way, shape or form, and it still make sense.
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This is just how “friends” make the cut (or don’t) in my world. Giggle.
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I’m very anti-social. It sounds perfect.
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