As you are probably aware, Rio de Janeiro has been chosen as the location for the 2016 Olympics, beating out Chicago, Tokyo, and Madrid. Needless to say, Americans who care about the Olympics, and Chicagoans specifically, are extremely disappointed. I thought it might help with the disappointment if I could explain exactly why Chicago was overlooked for this important decision:
10. The Committee was worried about Rod Blagojevich trying to buy a gold medal.
9. With Obama, Chicago already has a big enough ego as it is.
8. In a town where they put the sauce on the outside of the pizza and tomatoes and cucumbers on their hot dogs, who knows what they’d feed the athletes?
7. Too close to Alaska and, by proxy, Sarah Palin, for the Committee’s comfort.
6. Michael Phelps petitioned for Brazil because his dealer is in Venezuela.
5. Ninjas.
4. In Brazil, the poor people just kidnap the rich ones. In Chicago, they shoot them.
3. Alec Baldwin told the world that if Chicago didn’t win, he would move to Canada.
2. “You win DAH gold” just doesn’t have the same panache as “Tu ganas la medalla de oro”. (Yes, I know that they speak Portuguese in Brazil, but I don’t know Portuguese!)
1. The Committee loves chicks with dicks.
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
Number 8. Definately.
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Good job you can speak Spanish, cos that’ll really help in Brasil!
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
And here I thought it was because Oprah wouldn’t let the committee jump up and down on her couch!
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actually, in brazil people speak portuguese… is the only country in latin america where they do so…
“la alegria es solo brasilera”
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WHO doesn’t like chicks with dicks…
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Hahahahaha!
# 6 is hilarious.
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About that #5 – is it that they fear ninjas in Chicago or they are attracted to the ninjas of Rio? I just don’t know enough about the relationships between the IOC and the ninjas to properly appreciate that factor.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Damn ninjas.
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You speak Spanish?
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Twitter: s_csr
, October 5th, 2009: 10:33 AM
@Miss Britt, He totally googled that.
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I had no idea they put cucumbers and tomatoes on their hotdogs@
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@cat,
…and celery salt. Yum!
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Twitter: lceel
says:
Você ganha o ouro. (You win the gold.) OR Você ganha a medalha de ouro. (You win the gold medal) – Which is what you said in Spanish. Of course, Eu não falo Português, quer. (I do not speak Portugese, either.)
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
well really, who DOESN’T love chicks with dicks
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
I knew the IOC was pro-pirate.
One eyed bastards.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I could go for a Chicago-style hot dog right now. At 8:42 AM.
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bwahahahaha
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Maybe the IOC didn’t want to get embroiled in a “vote early, vote often” scandal in Chicago.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
So the Chicago political machine isn’t as powerful as we thought. I think the IOC wanted to get reduced-cost Brazilians.
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fuck- so now Canada is getting punished by being stuck with Alec Baldwin???!!!
Goddammit what is this world coming to???
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Can you see Russia from Chicago?
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@Grant,
No, but you can see the Russian Tea Room in New York.
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Don’t be surprised when David Letterman calls you for this list. Wait — is David Letterman still on?
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I think everyone on the committee is a big fan of the “Buttman Goes to Rio” series. This way they get to visit the set while they’re there for official Olympic business.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Ninjas. Damn ninjas ruin everything…or make it all better, depending on which side of the fence you’re sitting on. If they’re Brazilian ninjas do they still wear all black or are they decked out in their Carnival finest? I might need to go to the Olympics just to see.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Chicago-style hot dogs are the best. Don’t hate. I bet you probably put ketchup on your hot dog. ::vomir:: <~~~that's French for "gag me with a spoon you sicko"
And, in Chicago, we feed our athletes a straight diet of steroids and cork…but only on the North Side.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Your fucking blog ate my fucking comment, I think.
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Twitter: s_csr
, October 5th, 2009: 10:40 AM
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), It did so let’s try this again, shall we?
::ahem::
Don’t hate. Chicago-style hot dogs are the best. I bet you put ketchup on your hot dogs. ::vomir:: <~~~~that's French for "gag me with a spoon you sicko"
In Chicago, we feed our athletes a diet of steroids and cork. Well, on the North Side anyway.
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Twitter: Dumblond
says:
I’m going to blame Kanye. The IOC doesn’t want any US city for an Olympics until that asshat is put out of our misery.
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I am one of the few Chicagoans who had very mixed feelings about the Olympics coming to Chicago. So, the announcement last week was bittersweet. This list, though, made me laugh out loud. Love it.
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i’ve tried the Chicago style hot dogs…weird but still good.
got me to thinking that you could pretty much put anything on a hot dog and i would probably eat it.
tomorrow it’s grits on my hot dog.
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I was quite pleased with the decision actually. I really didn’t think we needed the olympics in Chicago.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Are you fucking Stephanie Birkitt, old man?
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I think the ninjas were probably the biggest reason. And hey, don’t you send Alec here! He’s yours. You keep him!
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@ No. 10.
Growing up in Chicago and spending my adult life in the outlying suburbs I can tell you that gold would be the perfect accent color to Rod’s upcoming wardrobe of black and white stripe.
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Was hoping for Chicago but congrats Rio de Janeiro
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Um, we discussed this. Not “ninjas” but “zombie ninjas.”
Doof.
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Chicks with dicks? Excellent.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
All the women in Brazil have private investigators?
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