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Top Ten Reasons Chicago won’t be Hosting the 2016 Olympics

As you are probably aware, Rio de Janeiro has been chosen as the location for the 2016 Olympics, beating out Chicago, Tokyo, and Madrid. Needless to say, Americans who care about the Olympics, and Chicagoans specifically, are extremely disappointed. I thought it might help with the disappointment if I could explain exactly why Chicago was overlooked for this important decision:

10. The Committee was worried about Rod Blagojevich trying to buy a gold medal.

9. With Obama, Chicago already has a big enough ego as it is.

8. In a town where they put the sauce on the outside of the pizza and tomatoes and cucumbers on their hot dogs, who knows what they’d feed the athletes?

7. Too close to Alaska and, by proxy, Sarah Palin, for the Committee’s comfort.

6. Michael Phelps petitioned for Brazil because his dealer is in Venezuela.

5. Ninjas.

4. In Brazil, the poor people just kidnap the rich ones. In Chicago, they shoot them.

3. Alec Baldwin told the world that if Chicago didn’t win, he would move to Canada.

2. “You win DAH gold” just doesn’t have the same panache as “Tu ganas la medalla de oro”. (Yes, I know that they speak Portuguese in Brazil, but I don’t know Portuguese!)

1. The Committee loves chicks with dicks.

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39 Replies to “Top Ten Reasons Chicago won’t be Hosting the 2016 Olympics”

  1. Darryl

    About that #5 – is it that they fear ninjas in Chicago or they are attracted to the ninjas of Rio? I just don’t know enough about the relationships between the IOC and the ninjas to properly appreciate that factor.

  2. lceel

    Você ganha o ouro. (You win the gold.) OR Você ganha a medalha de ouro. (You win the gold medal) – Which is what you said in Spanish. Of course, Eu não falo Português, quer. (I do not speak Portugese, either.)

  3. perpstu

    Ninjas. Damn ninjas ruin everything…or make it all better, depending on which side of the fence you’re sitting on. If they’re Brazilian ninjas do they still wear all black or are they decked out in their Carnival finest? I might need to go to the Olympics just to see.

    • Sheila (Charm School Reject)

      @Sheila (Charm School Reject), It did so let’s try this again, shall we?


      Don’t hate. Chicago-style hot dogs are the best. I bet you put ketchup on your hot dogs. ::vomir:: <~~~~that's French for "gag me with a spoon you sicko"

      In Chicago, we feed our athletes a diet of steroids and cork. Well, on the North Side anyway.

  4. tony

    i’ve tried the Chicago style hot dogs…weird but still good.

    got me to thinking that you could pretty much put anything on a hot dog and i would probably eat it.

    tomorrow it’s grits on my hot dog.

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