“There I was, fourteen years old, laying on my back on the edge of my bed. Naked. My legs arcing over my head, my hands slowly pushed my back further and further until my shoulders and elbows were the only support for my entire body. My neck ached as my erect penis got closer and closer to my face. I closed my eyes and stuck my tongue out as far as it would go. My hands pushed my back just a bit further, until all of my weight rested precariously on my neck. And then, right as my tongue and penis met for the first time in my adolescent life, my dad called my name from downstairs. In the resulting wave of panic, my entire weight came crashing down and I fell on my neck, a naked sweaty boy, in the gap between my bed and the wall. Protesting the concerned voices of my parents downstairs, I assured them that I was fine while I nursed a bruised neck that hurt if I turned my head more than 45 degrees. . .
And that’s the day that I tried to suck my own dick!” I proclaimed loudly to the consternation of the women in the room.
“Oh. My. God.”
“Lalalalalala. I can’t heeear you.”
“That is not normal.”
“Yes, it is.” I protested. “I bet a lot of men have tried to do that at some point in their lives.”
“You’re fucking retarded!”
“Are you kidding?”
“You are a moron.”
And that brings us here. Men, fill out the poll anonymously. Women, ask your husbands or brothers or fathers or sons and fill it out on their behalf. Forward this post around. Retweet it. Share it. Let’s see if we can get enough votes to determine whether or not most men have actually tried to suck their own dick!
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Twitter: Pgoodness
says:
wow.
just wow.
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I asked, and I am sorry I did.
You fucking nimrods.
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Well, thank you for the getting to know my husband portion of the evening. and no, he tried but almost succeeded. and NO, I’ve never been able to lick my own boob, if this is going to be part II of this questionnaire.
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I think the real question here is what happened in your subsequent attempts.
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There are days when I wonder why it is I love you so.
Tonight may be one of them.
You goober.
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Ummmyeah, so I really didn’t need to know that about the man in my life. Y’all are sick. And yes, I can like my own boob (double-jointed and on the busty side) but it’s not the same at ALL.
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Twitter: WWScissors
says:
I have never been more glad that my husband is out of town than I am tonight. Dodged that bullet!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Never tried because I am unimaginative, and I’m too old and un-bendy to try it now.
Guess that ship passed.
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BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
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There’s probably a good reason why Darwin made it so you couldn’t suck your own dick. Pretty sure the species would be doomed…
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They all measure them and almost all of them try to suck them, of this I am certain.
I refuse to believe the freaks and weirdos I have slept with/dated/married are THAT unique or imaginative in their special alone time endeavors.
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My husband say no way, but honestly, I’m not sure that I believe him.
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I can lick my own nipples… I guess that’s not exactly the same, is it?
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Oh, honey, I think you needed more friends when you were 14…
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My vote is in, and my wife knows which way I voted too!
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I’ve never tried to suck my own dick, but I did accidently ejaculate in my own eye once.
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I wish I could reach it, would never have to leave the house again.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
The funny part is I googled that shit and there are websites dedicated to showing men just how to do that!
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I’m going to start rocking back and forth again.
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Twitter: missbritt
, October 8th, 2009: 8:58 AM
@Hilly, me. too.
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I can’t stop laughing. You only tried once?
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
You men are just jealous because us chicks can suck our own titties….
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
My present husband has not. I know for a fact that my second husband tried to, unsuccessfully, when he was a teenager. My first husband was a gymnast and showed me that he could do it.
He was divorced by me shortly thereafter.
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HAHAHAHAHA…just another reason why men are referred to as “DOGS.”
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I don’t remember you saying “There I was.” *For douches*
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I called my brother and asked him because I remembered he always had a big dick. He said he hasn’t tried but I don’t think I believe him. If he did though, I doubt he would have had any problem reaching it. Yes, it was that big.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
Yah … I too used to be jealous of the Chinese contortionists we’d see on the Ed Sullivan Show when I was a kid.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
I called Ty-man. He giggled the whole time. He answered “No way! Fuck that!” but I think he’s probably thought about it!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
did i just read “the first time” and if so, how many other times did your tongue meet your penis?
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
also? why do some men find it sexy for a woman to lick her own nipples? i’ve done it because he asked, but felt silly. didn’t feel nearly as good as it does when someone else is doing it.
and why on earth am i sharing this with the internet? sheesh.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
, October 8th, 2009: 9:32 AM
@hello haha narf, LMFAO!!!! God, woman. I just love you.
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Twitter: msmegan
, October 8th, 2009: 9:45 AM
@hello haha narf, I would dare to say that this share is a bit less “wow” than what you shared on Twitter last night.
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@hello haha narf, But did it feel better than shitting in your own yard?
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
, October 8th, 2009: 10:53 AM
@Nobody™,
considering how bad i had to crap that night? NO.
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Twitter: Faiqa
, October 8th, 2009: 1:29 PM
@hello haha narf, HAHAHAHAHAHA… I was half smiling up until this reply… I think I just peed my pants.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
, October 8th, 2009: 1:32 PM
@Faiqa,
i am mortified at all of this being on the internet, but somehow i just can’t seem to stop myself. now that i know it gave you amusement, somehow it is all ok.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Can I participate in this poll if I once held a vibrator between my legs and attempted to lick the tip just to see if I was limber enough?
And yes, I am.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
, October 8th, 2009: 10:05 AM
@Finn,
but how big was the vibrator? bigger than adam’s penis?
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Twitter: msmegan
, October 8th, 2009: 10:07 AM
@hello haha narf, The real one or the one he tries to convince us he has? It was what I would consider to be average-sized.
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Twitter: bobutler
says:
I can’t believe you made it! Maybe just a bit of tongue, but that’s closer than I ever got.
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I am very much inflexible. I probably would have paralyzed myself had I tried.
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So, women don’t find it odd that we would get ourselves off by hand, but if we use our mouths then it’s weird? I think most guys I know tried as adolescents, but we all failed. I’ve heard that Ron Jeremy can manage it, but for most guys you have to be porn-sized to pull it off.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I asked. He said he never bothered to try because he figured it would never work.
Then on im he said to hold on.
Then he said “nope, doesn’t work.”
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too many times in my life have I heard men talk about a dog’s ability to do this, that I believe (whether or not they will admit it) that a majority of men have attempted this at some point.
I know a kid who says he is able to because of a car accident and missing ribs. I imagine a man would prefer not to have to the work himself though…am I not correct?
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
To show how stupid most men are, almost all of us have tried this, but then when we went to college we laughed at the guys taking yoga classes. We didn’t make the connection until it was too late. Flexibility is the key!
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LOL. I can’t help thinking of that scene in the car in the movie Clerks.
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
Issues.
You have them.
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Twitter: AmazingGreis
says:
LMAO! Hilarious and disturbing all rolled into one.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Hubs said “of course!” I didn’t ask if he made it, because I’m pretty sure he would never leave the house if he had!
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I’m totally with @hello haha narf — Licking one’s own nipples really is nothing compared to having someone else do it. Not even close.
I guess that’s not the case with sucking ones own dick, since there are so many how-to websites dedicated to it. Not too many how-to websites on licking ones nipples. Interesting.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
::waves hi to Adam’s sister and brother::
I don’t know if my husband has ever tried but I do know that if he could, he totally would.
I’ll find out and do the poll later for you
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ROFL!
Only you Adam, only you
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That’s amazing. I can’t wait for the results.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Pervert. Did I inspire this post with my stories of interviews I did at a restaurant in Portland, Maine 2 weekends ago? All those liars said they wouldn’t if they could.
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Twitter: laurenacarlton
says:
Oh my god. A friend of mine admitted to trying that a long time ago. I didn’t ask my husband yet. And yes I can lick my own nipples.
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I used to tell people that I had a cousin that was in a wheelchair because he tried to suck his dick and he broke his neck.
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Certainly, good honest sir, you have seen this:
http://fooooo.com/w/f384878b17a7d3fad84b424c10102f35
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
When I got up this morning it occured to me that I should clean my keyboard. After the Diet Coke was spewed all over it just now, it’s a necessity. Wow, just wow. Also bwahahahahahahahaha!
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I think what’s more surprising to me is that this was the first time for any of those 3 to hear about this considering how many times you’ve brought it up around me. That’s not even counting any of those weird bets you tried to make with me. Seriously… Issues.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
You know, I came back to check the results and am shocked at the number of men who have tried this. Then, I realized that you’ve probably been stuffing the ballot box. You should totally move to Afghanistan and run for President.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Fuck I love you. I can’t wait till Daren gets home so I can ask him. Though I’m not sure I wanna know the answer.
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and here I thought you could never surprise me
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lmao!
I’m actually not sure if I want to know in my husband tried to put his own dick in his mouth….
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I think if I guy can do it, then he should, no? Do what you want with your own bits… if I were limber enough, I’d probably try doing myself, but I’m pretty sure I’m not nearly bendy enough to get anywhere close. Maybe THAT’s why all the chick I know take yoga classes… interesting.
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I asked and he swore to me he’s never tried. He also accused me of ruining dinner. Oh, and he wants to know why I look up “stupid shit” on the Internet.
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I am a girl, obviously, but I want to weigh in. My ex tried while I was in the room. No success though
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And because he’s inefficient in licking his own dick, he asks me to take care of that?
Why do I get all the messy jobs? ;D
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What? Not everyone else can do that? Here all this time I just thought it was normal.
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@Jason, Most men can learn to do it. Being skinny helps. Having a large dick also a plus. But really it is humanly possible for most men with practice.
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Call me one of the 14%. But not any more.
I am absolutely astonished that your female friends and readers have acted with such revulsion. Men explore their bodies sensually just like women do. And enjoy meeting physical challenges–seeing what their body is capable of. Why not?
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
I saw the cat lick herself once & I thought, if I could do that, I’d NEVER leave the house. But no, I can’t.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Every man I know has either tried or fantasized about it and when he couldn’t accomplish the goal made someone else do it for him.
I hear it feels really good.
But I’m not going down on myself. That’s what men are for.
And vibrators.
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Hey! tried that shit when I was 14 or so. I think it was mentioned in the movie ‘Clerks’ as well if you have seen it, you’ll remember.
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