Soccer mom Melanie Hain, who made the news in 2008 by having a loaded weapon at her daughter’s soccer game, was found shot dead in her home along with her husband, from whom she had separated, on Thursday. It’s suspected to be a murder-suicide.
In the interest of preventing future tragedies such as this one, I thought I’d educate you on some additional signs that your marriage may be hazardous to your health:
- YOUR WIFE CARRIES A LOADED HANDGUN TO YOUR DAUGHTER’S SOCCER GAMES.
- Instead of “honey” or “babe”, your spouse calls you “dead meat” and “corpsey”.
- Your spouse’s favorite movie is “The War of the Roses” but he or she thinks it’s a documentary.
- The handcuffs in your secret toychest aren’t padded and your spouse has hidden the only key.
- You’re married to Chris Benoit.
- Your wife or husband always adds “for a dead man/woman” to the end of any phrase. “How’s my hair look?” “Good, for a dead woman.”
- Your silverware drawer is separated into soup spoons, salad forks, entree forks, butter knives, steak knives, and throwing knives.
- When you call your spouse’s cell phone, the Caller ID shows “Die Fucker Die” instead of your name.
- On that diving trip in the Bahamas, you found chum in your pockets.
- Instead of a prenup, your spouse made you sign a DNR.
Help me start a new tradition.
Fuck you world
Why I love NASCAR.
Funny! You made some good points, especially about the silverware drawer!
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I love you. Really. Brilliant.
And I promise not to bring my little urn to the party. Except in costume. ; )
Lulz.
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Hahahaha! Oh, and…
Mmmm… chum…..
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Twitter: SwanShadow
says:
If I had to sit through an entire soccer game, I’d probably want to shoot myself too.
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
“Corpsey” sounds so loving tho.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Wow, a Chris Benoit joke.
I had almost forgotten about him.
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So are you telling me I shouldn’t tell my boyfriend about my knife throwing habit?
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… your last name is Buttafuoco.
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
Hm. We must have been on the same wavelength tonight. Same topic.
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HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT #8????
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Twitter: mrlady
says:
Dude, I’m totally guilty of most of these. However, I’m flat busted broke if this guy croaks, so I think he’s safe. Also, my throwing knives hang from magnets in my kitchen. Not kidding.
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Bryan made me get a tattoo on my chest that says DNR – should I be worried? What does it stand for?
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Love the list, Adam.
11. Your wife or husband asks you daily if you would like to be cremated or buried.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
You forgot about having your brakes constantly malfunction after your spouse is “kind” enough to take it to the mechanic.
Ha…… a funny yet sad commentary on love today!
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Number one might not be such a big deal if the person was a cop…. (Otherwise it is a VERY good sign to get the fuck away from them!!)
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I just spent a half hour reading about Chris Benoit on Wikipedia. Wow, the things you learn about on Avitable.com!
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#9 is my favorite. You know, in case you were wondering.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
12. You are married to ME!!!
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Soccer match hooliganism can get out of hand. Maybe she figured that it was best to be prepared for the dangerous antics of little leaguers.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Uh oh.
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How about if after one year of dating and eight years of living together, you get married and her personality literally changes overnight and she goes from a pleasant companion to a screaming bitch or a Baptist fundamentalist who believes everyone alive who doesn’t believe exactly like her is going to burn in hell and her reason for the marriage is to convert you? Not funny, but I know a couple of people dealing with divorce for those reasons. I honestly don’t know why they didn’t seek an annulment the instant their wives unleashed their true selves – both screwed up by staying and trying to make it work with this new person they never would have asked out for a second date.
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I actually snorted with laughter at “corpsey”.
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My husband has been calling me “corpsey” for years, and I’m still here. In fact, we’re celebrating our 20th anniversary in a few months. He’s taking me to the Cliffs of Dover. I can’t wait!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Damn it. News I could have used YESTERDAY.
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Should I start to wonder why we’ve been getting calls from the NRA (and that’s not a joke)? Hmmmm…..
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Ten more things to worry about when looking for a spouse. And I just thought avoiding anyone who is an expert on justifiable homicide was enough.
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As a youth soccer coach, I will tell you that the handgun is motivational tool. Not for the players, but to keep the other parents in line.
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Idiot.
It says “The Fucker The”
It’s German, so obviously that one is not bad at all.
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And when after a day of abuse/let down, she says ‘it’s OK dear, just go to sleep.’ Scary shit.
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- Your husband’s gun closet is 3 feet from your side of the bed, chock full of guns and ammo, and he conveniently ‘cleans’ them every time you’re sleeping…
(And why is it that I can’t read “chum” without cracking up? God I’m juvenile.)
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I know who Chris Benoit is! Holler.
Of course, I have no clue who this other lady is but hey! I’m one for two!
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
I like how the “murder-suicide” cover story is holding up so far. I got an email from MoveOn.org about how this had been planned for a while now to help the pro-gun control issue. Gun control has gotten some negative press, what with all the press accidentally reporting the truth about gun ownership and how people have been able to defend themselves.
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Just for the record, I want to clear a few things up:
a) What the press fails to present is that her husband was a Parole Officer, and former Prison Guard,
b) Open-carrying a firearm is legal in the state of Pennsylvania, where she lived, and I live currently. She was not breaking any laws by open-carrying to that soccer game, and she also had a concealed carry license. It’s more a question of taste than right or wrong.
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
Oh, good. None of these things apply to my relationship. Well, except the handcuff thing, but Jason’s a cop, so I don’t think that counts.
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Twitter: MrsLoulou
says:
Good to know, good to know…
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