I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Signs that you are in a dangerous relationship

Soccer mom Melanie Hain, who made the news in 2008 by having a loaded weapon at her daughter’s soccer game, was found shot dead in her home along with her husband, from whom she had separated, on Thursday. It’s suspected to be a murder-suicide.

In the interest of preventing future tragedies such as this one, I thought I’d educate you on some additional signs that your marriage may be hazardous to your health:

  1. YOUR WIFE CARRIES A LOADED HANDGUN TO YOUR DAUGHTER’S SOCCER GAMES.
  2. Instead of “honey” or “babe”, your spouse calls you “dead meat” and “corpsey”.
  3. Your spouse’s favorite movie is “The War of the Roses” but he or she thinks it’s a documentary.
  4. The handcuffs in your secret toychest aren’t padded and your spouse has hidden the only key.
  5. You’re married to Chris Benoit.
  6. Your wife or husband always adds “for a dead man/woman” to the end of any phrase. “How’s my hair look?” “Good, for a dead woman.”
  7. Your silverware drawer is separated into soup spoons, salad forks, entree forks, butter knives, steak knives, and throwing knives.
  8. When you call your spouse’s cell phone, the Caller ID shows “Die Fucker Die” instead of your name.
  9. On that diving trip in the Bahamas, you found chum in your pockets.
  10. Instead of a prenup, your spouse made you sign a DNR.
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35 Replies to “Signs that you are in a dangerous relationship”

  1. Mr Lady

    Dude, I’m totally guilty of most of these. However, I’m flat busted broke if this guy croaks, so I think he’s safe. Also, my throwing knives hang from magnets in my kitchen. Not kidding.

  2. Grant

    How about if after one year of dating and eight years of living together, you get married and her personality literally changes overnight and she goes from a pleasant companion to a screaming bitch or a Baptist fundamentalist who believes everyone alive who doesn’t believe exactly like her is going to burn in hell and her reason for the marriage is to convert you? Not funny, but I know a couple of people dealing with divorce for those reasons. I honestly don’t know why they didn’t seek an annulment the instant their wives unleashed their true selves – both screwed up by staying and trying to make it work with this new person they never would have asked out for a second date.

  3. Rebecca

    – Your husband’s gun closet is 3 feet from your side of the bed, chock full of guns and ammo, and he conveniently ‘cleans’ them every time you’re sleeping…

    (And why is it that I can’t read “chum” without cracking up? God I’m juvenile.)

  4. whall

    I like how the “murder-suicide” cover story is holding up so far. I got an email from MoveOn.org about how this had been planned for a while now to help the pro-gun control issue. Gun control has gotten some negative press, what with all the press accidentally reporting the truth about gun ownership and how people have been able to defend themselves.

  5. MeanOne

    Just for the record, I want to clear a few things up:
    a) What the press fails to present is that her husband was a Parole Officer, and former Prison Guard,
    b) Open-carrying a firearm is legal in the state of Pennsylvania, where she lived, and I live currently. She was not breaking any laws by open-carrying to that soccer game, and she also had a concealed carry license. It’s more a question of taste than right or wrong.

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