I was reading about 19-year old Soulja Boy’s recent arrest and started thinking about all of the young men out there who probably want to become a famous rap artist. In the interest of helping the community and world at large, I thought I’d put my specific expertise as a former rap artist to work for today’s kids. As most of you know, when I was 17, I was world-renowned for my freestyling and rap skills under the pseudonym of Angel Phool Kake. It was a hard life, but I learned a lot, and I’m proud to share this 14-part series focused on helping anyone with the effort, knowledge, contacts, and skill to become a world-famous rapper.
Part 1: Your Name
Your rap name is the singlemost important element of your rise to stardom. Many young artists have failed miserably due to misspelling (1987′s ill-fated King Of Rape), poor word choice (2004′s unfortunate Speshul Sauce), or just completely wrong decisions (1992′s Tranny Lovah). Your name has to simultaneously make a statement about who you are while also showcasing your uniqueness with different spelling, compound word creation, or symbolism. For example, my rap name, Angel Phool Kake, told you many things about me with three simple words. It said that I was white, that I was goofy, and that I had a sweet tooth, but I was secure enough in my ability to rap that I didn’t need to spell “cake” correctly. Having the proper name allowed me to create the “Angel Phool” dance, wherein you locked your body from the waist down (ala “The Robot”) and moved your elbows back and forth like you were shoveling cake into your mouth. It was a dance sensation for two weeks in 1994.
For a particularly clever name, incorporate an existing word into your misspelling of the initial name. Soulja Boy is a great example of savvy name creation. You get both concepts – he’s a soldier boy because he’s a gangster, but he also has soul. Here are some other names that I have just created that incorporate this cross-word pollination concept – these are free for you to take as your own!
Gayngsta Pinks – perfect for the out and proud rap artist who also races cars
The Hondataka – you bury them six feet deep and drive off in your tricked out Honda
Tree Fitty Seven Magnum – you pop caps and love the environment
Shartee Lovah – picking up the ladies (aka shorties) and sometimes farting until you poop your pants
Taco Nobel – ideal for the Hispanic rap artist who rhymes for peace
Chicken Tittle – fitting for a pessimistic artist who always makes time for nice boobs
Thunda Stuck – you make a big impression and sometimes are too fat to get out of your chair
Richie Bitch – you’re Paris Hilton embarking on a rap career
A final word of advice about choosing your rap star name. Stay away from “Ice” anything. With Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ice T, the market has been cornered and dominated on all things ice. Let the examples of rap failures Icee Hott, Ice Kreem Sunday, and Ice on Ya Finga be your warning.
Stay tuned for future chapters of “Avitable’s guide to becoming a rap star”, where I’ll discuss caps and in whose asses those caps should be popped, when grillz are gauche, the classist issues that exist when deciding to drink MD 20/20 or Cristal, booty size of women in your videos and its direct correlation to iTunes sales charts, and the next hot clothing trend for aspiring rap artists (hint: man thongs).
A breakdown of people who follow @LadyGaGa on Twitter
Rejected Winter Olympic Sports
Six word memoir
Why do you own a train conductor’s hat?
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Where’s the Bling???
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Please tell us you won’t be modeling man thongs!
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christ. how much weight have you lost? you look fucking awesome.
I suck at picking a rap name. I’ve sat here for five minutes trying to think one up. Will you give me one?
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
The Black community has sent me as their ambassador (just for this comment…god knows I lost my “black card” the day I started worshipping Freddie Mercury) to give you this message….
Do me one favor, please? In your next installment, do NOT talk about grills. I never understood why ANYONE, much less rappers would put those nasty ass gold teeth in their mouths. Ugh. And in your next picture, I really want you to pay homage to Flavor Flav and wear a huge clock around your neck.
Pretty please? Thanks
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I would pay money to see you with a Grill on!!!
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Is L’il also overdone? I need to know!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
You spell too well to be a rapper.
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My rap name is DJ JD, and I used to have a grill but I had to throw it away after I found it in my cat’s litterbox.
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I don’t know which is better. The fact that you wrote this post at all, or the fact that you took the time to dig out that hat and the sunglasses, take a picture of yourself in that gangsta pose, and then Photoshop it.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
those sunglasses don’t look like tortoise shell ones that girls would wear.
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Maybe the King of Rape wasn’t an attempt at misspelling. Maybe he really was the King of Rape, in which case, is he now the King of Prison Rape?
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Somehow, big booties don’t sound very Japanese. I think I’ll take my rap name (Shartikrist) into the J-pop foray. I’ll let you know how that goes.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
A button-down shirt? Yeah, that’s gangsta. Not.
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
RACISSTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
You’re so damned gangsta’.
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Yo yo yo yo baby pop won’t you come and give me a kiss? Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed.
(sorry, invoking Salt and Pepa seemed the only appropriate comment)
I am thinking marymac is too boring, so help me think of a rapper version.
Miz Mary Whack perhaps?
Imma letchoo finish.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Are you going to wear the waistband of you shorts cinched under your ass cheeks? ‘Cause that penguin walk is sexy.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Be sure to include some lessons on how to deal with prison. Gotta do a few years in prison to keep your street cred.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
on October 12th, 2009 at Monday, October 12, 2009 @ 11:59 am
@Jayman3768, Yeah, I totally put my twitter name in there instead of my usual “Jay” cause I’m so cool like that.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Considering that a small river separates me from the Boogie Down Bronx…
…the birthplace of rap…
…this post gives me a sad…
… because it so damn true.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I had this friend from India whose AOL screen name was Indie Ice Ice Baby.
No, it was not Tariq. His was MCJihadalot.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
on October 12th, 2009 at Monday, October 12, 2009 @ 3:09 pm
@Faiqa, BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Angel Phool Kake isn’t a playah.
He just crushes a lot.
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Twitter: poppycede
on October 12th, 2009 at Monday, October 12, 2009 @ 6:50 pm
@B.E. Earl, hehehehehehehehe
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
LOLLLLLLLLLzzzzz
I burst out loud 3 times.
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The names for female rappers are wide open right now. According to my brother, a rap fiend, Diamond is the up and coming rapping female. I feel like if I was a rapper I would call myself Right Eye. I was a pretty big Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopez fan. It would be a tribute.
I feel like I could be a pretty good female rapper.
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“It was a dance sensation for two weeks in 1994.” ROFLMAO. Seriously.
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Twitter: SwanShadow
says:
I guess Sir Mix-A-Lot was right…
Even white boys got to shout.
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I just about peed myself. JUST about. A couple more rap names, and it’d be a wet chair I’m sitting in…
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
In highschool, a bunch of my friends and I had “street” names. Mine was Ice Block. This was before Ice had lost its cool, I assure you. See how punny I can be?
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Because I’m all about the good times my rap name is Happay Endingz.
This was just about the funniest post you have ever written. I laughed out loud at ‘Ice On Ya Finga.’ That really got me. Hilarious!
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You look like an 18 year old thug in this. I’m shocked and partially aroused.
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