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How to beat zombies

Last night, I watched Zombieland, a hysterical zombie film and love story that now ranks up there with Shaun of the Dead
as one of my favorite takes on the genre. And just like when I watch porn, I left the movie thinking, “What would I do if I was in that position?”

Here’s my quickie guide for the different ways that you can beat zombies:

1. The Hermit. Pack up everything you can, move to the woods, live off the land, and shun people.
Pros: Zombies stay away from the woods because there’s less food they can catch.
Cons: Living off the land means you may have to drink your own pee at some point.

2. The Shopper. Find a large Super Walmart, barricade the doors, then clean out all zombies that may be inside.
Pros: There are only a few entrances that you have to block and once the zombies are out, they’re out. Plus, you can live off the canned food and dried goods for months at a minimum.
Cons: You’re living in a Walmart. The shame might kill you.

3. Gun and run. Travel around in a large RV, truck, or military transport vehicle with multiple people, all well-armed, moving from area to area, gathering food, rescuing people, and killin’ zombies.
Pros: You get to travel and see the world.
Cons: At some point, one of your friends will get bitten but will try to hide it and then in the middle of the night will turn into a zombie and then you’re all fucked.

4. Join ’em. Trap a zombie and let him or her bite you somewhere that won’t affect your mobility.
Pros: Zombies are the majority, so you may as well just try to become king of the zombies.
Cons: Showers don’t do shit for the smell.

I know which option I’d choose!

Zombie Avitable

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35 Replies to “How to beat zombies”

  1. Ron

    Of the three options, the best is probably the hermit. The Shopper has problems with roving biker gangs who’ll come de-Wal your Mart and the Traveler’s got problems with road congestion. Remember in the TV version of The Stand how nobody was getting in or out of New York unless they were on foot or in a helicopter? Yeeah. Drinking my own pee is nothing compared to the permanent taste of Death Breath.

  2. Kim

    What if you could zombie-hide in a Costco that was attached to a Best Buy and a Waffle House? With quick low-zombie entrance to a Quickie-Mart?

    ooops. There I go dreaming of that perfect world again. Sorry.

  3. Elizabeth Kaylene

    I wanted to see Zombieland but Mike went without me (I didn’t feel good that night and told him to go without me). I’m now regretting that decision. We were supposed to go again but that didn’t happen, either. I’ll probably just rent it.

    All hail King Avitable, king of the zombies!

  4. Faiqa

    Number 3? That baffles me. I would be completely forthcoming. I would say, “Listen, Adam, I got bit. When I start to turn, you’re going to have to throw me out. Don’t feel bad when you do it… it has to be done.” You, on the other hand? Would totally hide it, wouldn’t you? Bastard.

  5. Ren

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a rendition of a zombie that looked quite so happy.

    Maybe you should try the pretend-to-be-a-zombie-and-join-them route first. Yes, you risk losing your mobility if they figure it out, but they’re not generally very bright. You’d probably need to figure out a way to disguise the smell of your brain — perhaps by sleeping in garbage all the time, or something like that. Good luck!

  6. bo

    There’s a cemetery across the street from the library where I work. Therefore, I’ve been developing a plan for years just in case I see things crawling out of those graves. Edible resources will be a problem, but I’m thinking that the business end of a paper-cutter is the best weapon possible. It has one end for bludgeoning and a blade for decapitation. The are many floors and places to hide. And, in an emergency, I’ll have the necessary resources start a pretty damn big fire.

    No way am I getting turned dude. I’ve be saving the world one zombie at a time. Even if it means I have to cut your friggin head off.

  7. Grant

    I can’t stand being smelly, so #4 is out. I think I might have to go with Gun and Run. It sounds more fun, it supports a healthy and active lifestyle, and I could finally take the time to visit Japan and hopefully rescue hot Asian schoolgirls who will reward my selfless heroism with anal sex.

  8. Lisa

    Since I can’t hit the broad side of a barn when I’m stressed, gun and run is out. I’m going to have to go with Wal-Mart. I’ll set up camp with a lawn chair and a big TV, and eat cheetos while you suckers run. They always catch you, you know.

  9. Jay

    Definitely the Gun and Run. Probably in an armored vehicle that I stole from the local national guard. I would go straight to the local college and rescue as many of the coeds as possible. Then start killing. Sounds like a great movie idea.

  10. Kris

    Have you ever seen Fido? Another good zombie “comedy.” Lots of funny nuances that you sometimes don’t catch until you see it a few times, too.

    And um, Zombie King? I think not. You’ve not had ONE SINGLE ZOMBIE at your parties yet!! (And um, that’s probably because *I* haven’t been there. We totally rock the zombies.)

  11. liquid

    why did you choose Wal-Mart over the Sam’s right up your street. It’s got gas, wood, auto bits, FOOOOOOODS, tall shelves and rafters perfect for building the OFF THE GROUND living area that would allow you to sleep a little easier

  12. Carolyn

    Well, as a natural born shopper, I guess that’s the way I would want to go. But I’d rather be a zombie than holed up in a crappy Walmart. I think I’d lock myself up a fancy department store. I was thinking Coach or Nine West at first, but then I’d be limited to only shoes or bags. At least in a department store I could play dress up from head to toe for-evah!

    must go shopping, must go shopping, must go shopping, must go shopping..

    Fuck, I might be a zombie already! πŸ˜‰

  13. Sarcastica

    I haven’t seen Shaun of the Dead, but I loved Zombieland lol! It was hysterical πŸ™‚

    I think I would choose the zombie one too! If you can’t beat em (and you can’t), join em! I’m sure eventually we’d all get our dignity and smarts back. Perhaps we could invent some kind of cream or ointment that took away the stench!

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