Dear trick or treaters,
Fuck you.
Thanks to only ten of you showing up at my doorstep last night, I have a bowl full of candy left that I have to eat because there are starving kids in Africa.
And from the ingestion of Hershey’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Almond Joys, and M&Ms, I will get diabetes. Then, because I’m an obstinate man who won’t go the doctor, my diabetes will give me gangrene and both of my feet will have to be amputated. And then I’ll get a wheelchair but because I don’t take care of my toys, the brakes on my wheelchair won’t be properly maintained. And one day when I’m trying to wheel myself down a hill, my brakes will fail and I’ll fly down the hill comically, dodging traffic until I hit a curb and fly into a pond. And while I’m flailing around in the pond, I’ll swallow some water that contains a parasite. And the parasite will make me sick so I have to go to the hospital. And at the hospital, they’ll have some intern who is in training look at me instead of a real doctor. And the intern will accidentally switch my chart with someone in the next room who’s having a sex change operation. And I’ll wake up with breasts and a vagina, but because I didn’t take the hormone treatments, a hairy chest, back, and a beard. And then the only job I can get as a footless vagina toting man is at the circus. And the circus will travel through the US and do a show in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. And I will go into a rest stop to use the bathroom but they will forget about me and drive off and leave me. And then I’ll have to live the rest of my life in a rest stop in Kanas, footless, hairy, and with a vagina. And it’s all your fault. So, fuck you, trick or treaters. Fuck you in your stupid asses.
Love,
Adam
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A vocabulary lemson
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
You can send me your candy, I have no trouble going to the doctor to get my diabetes checked
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@Amanda, too late. Amy brought it all into work.
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A truly horrible fate…
I think you might be on a sugar high..maybe.
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@thepsychobabble, yes, I definitely was when I wrote this.
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We’ve only met once, but I kind of love you.
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@Velma, we met at BlogHer? It’s hard to remember with just your eyes in your avatar. And I love me too, so you’re in good company.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Please do not fuck children in their asses, thanks.
We had zero trick-or-treaters in our locked building… not that we would know since we were not home until after 10:30pm. But Mama Dawg had her light off and the candy was all gone by the time we arrived after 6pm. We saw plenty of cutie pies at the mall, though!
PS – You don’t actually have to eat the candy that’s left over. You can throw it away. *gasp*
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@Poppy, I could never throw it away – starving Ethiopian children, remember?
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Meh. I got zero trick-or-treaters.
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@Dave2, I wonder if swine flu hysteria scared them away.
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um. so you’ll probably say no if i tell you that you can have all my extra candy too. because we had no tricksters or treaters to scoop up the 6 pounds of candy i bought. i don’t want the 5 pounds that are left because i’m fat and trying to lose weight. and out of that 1 pound that i gave out to the 3 kids who came to my door…i ate about 3/4 of it while i was waiting.
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@melissa, me too. I ate half the fucking bowl just watching TV waiting for those damned kids.
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mmmmcandy
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mmmcandy
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MMMMILOVECANDY ADAM
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@bethie, how do you feel about candy, Beth? Dork.
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omigod I just saw a zombie outside my window
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@bethie, do you like candy?
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
i would comment about what to do with the candy…but apparently, bethie must have gotten into it.
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@CP, clearly.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
If you won’t go to the doctor about your diabetes, why are you going to the doctor for a case of the poops? Unless secretly you want the sex change. Fess up.
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@Lisa, damn, how’d you guess?!?
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Thanks to a month of rain and our Jebus-intense state, I got no T&Ters. In fact, I forgot it was Halloween and kept wondering why (but not complaining) that there were so many horror movies on TV.
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@Grant, T&Ters sounds like T&Aers, which is a holiday I could get behind.
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It’s amazing how much we can blame on children.
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@Hilly, I think if we try hard enough, we can blame everything on them!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I’m sending the leftover stuff to work with Tariq. This post was confusing, btw, because I thought you already *had* a vagina.
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@Faiqa, well, it’s honorary. This would make it official.
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We got 12 trick or treaters. We also have a huge bowl of candy left. But the little bastards took all the Kit Kats.
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@Stacey, they probably left all the nasty Dots, too.
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That’s funny. This is exactly what I pictured would have happened if my wife hadn’t decided to put us on a diet last week.
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@Badass Geek, that bodes well.
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wow, you paint such a beautiful picture
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@sudobeer, I’m a prosaic artist.
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You’d love being at the truck stop!
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@Sybil Law, my vagina would get sore, though.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I actually got about 30 of them. That’s pretty close to equaling my total for the past two years. Actually, I think it surpasses the total. So I was happy. And, Adam, I had a rush of 20 teenage girls all in superhero T-shirts. You’d have been in heaven.
Funny damn post, though. Let me know which rest stop you wind up at. I’ll send a postcard from civilization.
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@kapgar, did you take pictures? Please say yes.
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We had roughly 40-50 this year. But I also live in the area that has the most children per capita in Orlando according to the Sentinel.
When your transformation is complete, will you do kids parties? If so, I’ll hire you for a 4yo or 6yo party depending on when the transformation is complete. I figure it would be a sure fire way to never get invited to another kiddie party at chucky fucking cheese again!
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@Hockeyman, I’ll be available for kids’ parties, retirement parties, anniversaries, and debutante balls.
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I had zero trick-or-treaters, which worked out well because I bought zero candy and am annoyed by miniature extortionists in tacky costumes.
Coming soon: Bah, humbug!
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@Janna, Halloween Scrooge!
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I actually counted this year: Eighty-eight little buggers. The last few got the most candy as we were trying to get rid of it. I have only eight pieces left and only two contain chocolate so I’m good.
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@Employee No. 3699, wow, that’s crazy!
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@Avitable, Our neighbors accross the street get even more. A lot of kids bypass our house as we’re on the corner and the woman next door is a mean old biddy and doesn’t participate.
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well, if all that does happen, you’ll never have to worry about what you’re going to be for halloween again.
Footless Hairy Vagina-man is a pretty awesome costume.
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@Stone Fox, ooh, I didn’t even think of that!
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I’m pretty sure that’s the best blog post I’ve ever read.
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@Aunt Becky, hahaha – awesome!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
are you fucking kidding me? all that trouble for a lap band and you are gonna eat a ton of candy? nutbag.
everyone at work brings in leftovers and then i usually take a bunch to the women’s shelter. beats adding it to my ever expanding ass!
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@hello haha narf, well, I can eat one piece at a time. Still less than I used to eat.
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You should have come up here to Mountain Home Airforce Base, we had trick or treaters from 6-8 and we had close to 100 trick or treaters. Then we went to some clubs and a house party from 10-2…it was wicked.
PS. You could always just mail your extra candy up here and I could take care of it for you.
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@Chelsie, that does sound pretty wicked.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
At least you HAD some trick or treater’s. We had ZERO!! None! Zilch! Nada!
Fucking lazy ass kids!
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@Blondefabulous, none at all? Wow.
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So, like, woo hoo! Career change!
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@harmzie, that’s true – it could be a step up.
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When I was little there must have been thousands of us roaming the streets.
The other night I got zero beggars … for the third year in a row.
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@delmer, I know. Soon there will be none.
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I’ve found that trick or treating these days is concentrated in only certain neighborhoods. When I was a kid there we were swarming all over the place. These days we only get a few kids every year and heaven forbid we don’t have any candy for them because that’s the biggest Halloween sin ever. So, inevitably, we buy too much and end up getting fat for a few months. I hear ya.
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@Keith Wilcox, exactly the issue. I should require RSVPs.
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HAHAHA!
I only got five.
Sniff.
But we also left at 7pm.
Still though.
FIVE.
Now I have all this candy.
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@Sarcastica, you should eat it all – you need the meat on your bones.
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I would kill for some Hershey’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Almond Joys, and M&Ms. We didn’t get any of that this year.
I guess I could go buy some.
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@Lynda, yes, you should. Now I want some more!
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And by we, I mean, my nephew. But I totally was going to eat those things, except the M&M’s because M&M’s is the only thing he likes.
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Sugar saturated Sapien spins spectacular story of self satisfaction, stumps, sorrow, swamp-water, sex-change, silliness. Surreal.
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@avatgardener, Snickers satisfies.
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Twitter: ItsToni
says:
Hey, I’m going to the circus this week…I’ll throw you a peanut.
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@Toni, hahahah – okay!
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
This is like some fucked up version of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, except it’s If You Don’t Trick or Treat at Adam’s House.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, I’ve never heard of “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
, November 4th, 2009: 11:14 PM
@Avitable, Oh man, it’s this really cute children’s book about a mouse who asks for a cookie and it sets off this whole chain of events. Read it! It’s awesome.
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Twitter: Temptingsam
says:
I bought a shit load of extra candy thinking that I’d have a TON left over, but we moved to a new neighbourhood recently and apparently the little shits actually trick-or-treat around here. I have nothing left – well, except Carter’s candy.
And…. that person you described? Didn’t you dress up as her/him a few years ago!? LOL
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@sam {temptingmama}, Carter’s candy? What’s that?
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The plight of others starving at your expense reminded me of this classic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeoa0-U8-Yw
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@Clayton, ha – I’d never seen that.
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
This made me straight up choke on the mouthful of candy corn I had just shoveled in my face!
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@Zak, ooh, I didn’t get any candy corn this year. I missed out!
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It was the crashed UFO you still have on your front lawn that kept the trick or treaters away.
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@martymankins, we took that down on the Monday after the party!
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Pete feels your pain. We told mom-mom not to buy any candy since we go trick-or-treating in a different neighborhood, but she some, “just in case.” In case of what I do not know, but she insisted that we needed to have a bowl of candy. And now that bowl of candy has him in it’s grips. As he unwraps each chocolate bar, he tells himself that today will be his first day at the gym, and so he will work off those calories. As if he doesn’t have calories he needs to burn off anyway.
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@Allyson, satyrs don’t have to burn off calories!
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Do you know how much work you’ll get living in a rest stop in the middle of Kansas with a vagina??? They don’t care how much hair you have. You’ll be RICH.
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@joyous, ooh, good way to be optimistic about it!
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