Categorically Uncategorized

Dear trick or treaters

Dear trick or treaters,

Fuck you.

Thanks to only ten of you showing up at my doorstep last night, I have a bowl full of candy left that I have to eat because there are starving kids in Africa.

And from the ingestion of Hershey’s, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Almond Joys, and M&Ms, I will get diabetes. Then, because I’m an obstinate man who won’t go the doctor, my diabetes will give me gangrene and both of my feet will have to be amputated. And then I’ll get a wheelchair but because I don’t take care of my toys, the brakes on my wheelchair won’t be properly maintained. And one day when I’m trying to wheel myself down a hill, my brakes will fail and I’ll fly down the hill comically, dodging traffic until I hit a curb and fly into a pond. And while I’m flailing around in the pond, I’ll swallow some water that contains a parasite. And the parasite will make me sick so I have to go to the hospital. And at the hospital, they’ll have some intern who is in training look at me instead of a real doctor. And the intern will accidentally switch my chart with someone in the next room who’s having a sex change operation. And I’ll wake up with breasts and a vagina, but because I didn’t take the hormone treatments, a hairy chest, back, and a beard. And then the only job I can get as a footless vagina toting man is at the circus. And the circus will travel through the US and do a show in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. And I will go into a rest stop to use the bathroom but they will forget about me and drive off and leave me. And then I’ll have to live the rest of my life in a rest stop in Kanas, footless, hairy, and with a vagina. And it’s all your fault. So, fuck you, trick or treaters. Fuck you in your stupid asses.



Share the love:
Follow by Email

85 Replies to “Dear trick or treaters”

  1. Poppy

    Please do not fuck children in their asses, thanks.

    We had zero trick-or-treaters in our locked building… not that we would know since we were not home until after 10:30pm. But Mama Dawg had her light off and the candy was all gone by the time we arrived after 6pm. We saw plenty of cutie pies at the mall, though!

    PS – You don’t actually have to eat the candy that’s left over. You can throw it away. *gasp*

  2. melissa

    um. so you’ll probably say no if i tell you that you can have all my extra candy too. because we had no tricksters or treaters to scoop up the 6 pounds of candy i bought. i don’t want the 5 pounds that are left because i’m fat and trying to lose weight. and out of that 1 pound that i gave out to the 3 kids who came to my door…i ate about 3/4 of it while i was waiting.

  3. Grant

    Thanks to a month of rain and our Jebus-intense state, I got no T&Ters. In fact, I forgot it was Halloween and kept wondering why (but not complaining) that there were so many horror movies on TV.

  4. kapgar

    I actually got about 30 of them. That’s pretty close to equaling my total for the past two years. Actually, I think it surpasses the total. So I was happy. And, Adam, I had a rush of 20 teenage girls all in superhero T-shirts. You’d have been in heaven.

    Funny damn post, though. Let me know which rest stop you wind up at. I’ll send a postcard from civilization.

  5. Hockeyman

    We had roughly 40-50 this year. But I also live in the area that has the most children per capita in Orlando according to the Sentinel.

    When your transformation is complete, will you do kids parties? If so, I’ll hire you for a 4yo or 6yo party depending on when the transformation is complete. I figure it would be a sure fire way to never get invited to another kiddie party at chucky fucking cheese again!

  6. hello haha narf

    are you fucking kidding me? all that trouble for a lap band and you are gonna eat a ton of candy? nutbag.
    everyone at work brings in leftovers and then i usually take a bunch to the women’s shelter. beats adding it to my ever expanding ass!

  7. Chelsie

    You should have come up here to Mountain Home Airforce Base, we had trick or treaters from 6-8 and we had close to 100 trick or treaters. Then we went to some clubs and a house party from 10-2…it was wicked.

    PS. You could always just mail your extra candy up here and I could take care of it for you.

  8. Keith Wilcox

    I’ve found that trick or treating these days is concentrated in only certain neighborhoods. When I was a kid there we were swarming all over the place. These days we only get a few kids every year and heaven forbid we don’t have any candy for them because that’s the biggest Halloween sin ever. So, inevitably, we buy too much and end up getting fat for a few months. I hear ya.

  9. sam {temptingmama}

    I bought a shit load of extra candy thinking that I’d have a TON left over, but we moved to a new neighbourhood recently and apparently the little shits actually trick-or-treat around here. I have nothing left – well, except Carter’s candy.

    And…. that person you described? Didn’t you dress up as her/him a few years ago!? LOL

  10. Allyson

    Pete feels your pain. We told mom-mom not to buy any candy since we go trick-or-treating in a different neighborhood, but she some, “just in case.” In case of what I do not know, but she insisted that we needed to have a bowl of candy. And now that bowl of candy has him in it’s grips. As he unwraps each chocolate bar, he tells himself that today will be his first day at the gym, and so he will work off those calories. As if he doesn’t have calories he needs to burn off anyway.

  11. joyous

    Do you know how much work you’ll get living in a rest stop in the middle of Kansas with a vagina??? They don’t care how much hair you have. You’ll be RICH.

Leave a Reply