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If I was a country music star

I get a little obsessive about music. When I find a band or song that I enjoy, I’ll listen to it over and over again. And over. And over. Until I manage to work it out of my system. Right now, I’m repeating Taylor Swift’s “Fearless” album and Carrie Underwood’s “Some Hearts” album, which is funny, because I despise country music (this video of me singing “Before He Cheats” to the contrary)

Listening to these two artists on repeat ad nauseum has made me realize that I could totally be a country music star. I mean, sure, I can’t sing worth a damn, and the only instrument that I have any ability to play rhymes with “shkin fhlute”, but I could create the persona and come up with the song titles. And after that, the rest is gravy.

First, the persona. We couldn’t go with Adam Heath Avitable, because that sounds Mexican (not Spanish. Mexican), Italian (pronounced “eye-talian”) or maybe Middle Eastern of some sort. Adam is a decent first name for a country star, except that it might bring up memories of Adam Lambert, and he’s a homersexual. I can’t go with Heath, because Heath Ledger was Australian, a snooty actor fella, and someone who died using drugs. So we’ll have to start from scratch with my name.

Let’s pick a wholesome, healthy sounding first name. Something that screams good old fashioned simple values. A name that has been passed down from generation to generation. In fact, let’s dispense with the name at all and just go with the generational concept. First name: Junior.

For the last name, we need something that doesn’t sound foreign, and maybe has some type of positive connotation. A name that implies strength and America and history. A name that rang down through the 80s as a symbol of American pride. A symbol of . . .Hulkamania! Last name: Hogan.

Junior Hogan’s first album needs a powerful title that will make country fans stand up and take notice. It can be a little edgier, thanks to the advent of modern country. It should show some disdain for the New York and LA crowds while celebrating the heartland. It should show sensitivity, but not too much. How about: “My Heart’s Not a Flyover State“? No, too elitist sounding? What about “Love Like Mom Used To Make“?

Now our album cover is easy – a slightly sad artist in front of a patriotic tapestry:


Finally, all we need is a set list. Here are the 10 songs on Junior Hogan’s debut album, “Love Like Mom Used To Make”:

Track 1: I Want to be a Stepdad
Track 2: Little Rockin’ Car, How I Want to be Where You Are
Track 3: I Wasn’t Raised a Fool but I Turned Into One Right Quick
Track 4: I’ll Take Your Pain Away Under the Big Black Sky
Track 5: You Left Your Size 8 Boot Print on my Heart
Track 6: You Bowled A Strike With Me
Track 7: If I Thought You’d Wait For Me, I’d Go To War For You
Track 8: My Hemi’s Revvin’ and You Put Me in Overdrive
Track 9: I’ll Be Here When Los Angeles Doesn’t Want You
Track 10: Daisy Duke Ain’t Got Nothing On You

Any music producers out there who want to make a guaranteed mint? I’m now considering serious offers only.

38 thoughts on “If I was a country music star”

  1. Ima fan of both swift and underwood. Actually, if you want specifics, I’m a fan if ALL country music.

    Especially Randy Travis. I would abandon my husband, children and home just to be his groupie. Course, I’d be the crazy groupie who kills his stupid wife and worms her way I to his heart while he is grieving, but still.

  2. Now, would you be a serious country music star, or would you be the next Cledus T Judd?
    I have a song title if you were going the later direction. “She Moved Me In A Rented U-Haul” set to parody the song “Memphis Soul Song”…….

    Just tryin to help.

  3. You can’t become a country music star based on chic country music alone.

    You can’t really become a country music star until you know all the words to at least one country music drinking song.

    I recommend “Darlin'”.

  4. I think the Reverend Horton Heat already beat you to the scene with songs like Nurture My Pig and Baby’s Liquored Up. Look for the soundtrack to the Redneck Rampage games if you want to check them out.

  5. So weird. I hate country music, too. But, Carrie Underwood was on TV this morning and after listening to a few of her songs, I thought she wasn’t that bad. Then again, I don’t think of her as country. I think of her as pop with a country twist. Same with Taylor Swift. Maybe that’s why I can tolerate, even like, their music.

  6. Of course, you’re going to do a duet with me,

    “Well I was born a coal miner’s granddaughter.
    In a hospital on a hill in West Virginy.
    We were middle class with a Chevette
    That little car was a piece of shit
    None of us shoveled coal so… What?”

    Yeah, maybe not.

  7. I know a great entertainment lawyer and have numerous contacts in music in Nashville. Just tell me “when” to start making calls, buddy. Will you sing the national anthem at the Talladega 500 next year?

  8. Country song titles in the format of Fall Out Boy. Nice.

    The song “Before He Cheats” is a karaoke favorite of many a female at the bar I frequent. I wonder how many of them carry a baseball bat in their car. Even more curious: how many men did they dump that have bashed out headlights on their Dodge 4×4?

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