I get a little obsessive about music. When I find a band or song that I enjoy, I’ll listen to it over and over again. And over. And over. Until I manage to work it out of my system. Right now, I’m repeating Taylor Swift’s “Fearless” album and Carrie Underwood’s “Some Hearts” album, which is funny, because I despise country music (this video of me singing “Before He Cheats” to the contrary)
Listening to these two artists on repeat ad nauseum has made me realize that I could totally be a country music star. I mean, sure, I can’t sing worth a damn, and the only instrument that I have any ability to play rhymes with “shkin fhlute”, but I could create the persona and come up with the song titles. And after that, the rest is gravy.
First, the persona. We couldn’t go with Adam Heath Avitable, because that sounds Mexican (not Spanish. Mexican), Italian (pronounced “eye-talian”) or maybe Middle Eastern of some sort. Adam is a decent first name for a country star, except that it might bring up memories of Adam Lambert, and he’s a homersexual. I can’t go with Heath, because Heath Ledger was Australian, a snooty actor fella, and someone who died using drugs. So we’ll have to start from scratch with my name.
Let’s pick a wholesome, healthy sounding first name. Something that screams good old fashioned simple values. A name that has been passed down from generation to generation. In fact, let’s dispense with the name at all and just go with the generational concept. First name: Junior.
For the last name, we need something that doesn’t sound foreign, and maybe has some type of positive connotation. A name that implies strength and America and history. A name that rang down through the 80s as a symbol of American pride. A symbol of . . .Hulkamania! Last name: Hogan.
Junior Hogan’s first album needs a powerful title that will make country fans stand up and take notice. It can be a little edgier, thanks to the advent of modern country. It should show some disdain for the New York and LA crowds while celebrating the heartland. It should show sensitivity, but not too much. How about: “My Heart’s Not a Flyover State“? No, too elitist sounding? What about “Love Like Mom Used To Make“?
Now our album cover is easy – a slightly sad artist in front of a patriotic tapestry:
Finally, all we need is a set list. Here are the 10 songs on Junior Hogan’s debut album, “Love Like Mom Used To Make”:
Track 1: I Want to be a Stepdad
Track 2: Little Rockin’ Car, How I Want to be Where You Are
Track 3: I Wasn’t Raised a Fool but I Turned Into One Right Quick
Track 4: I’ll Take Your Pain Away Under the Big Black Sky
Track 5: You Left Your Size 8 Boot Print on my Heart
Track 6: You Bowled A Strike With Me
Track 7: If I Thought You’d Wait For Me, I’d Go To War For You
Track 8: My Hemi’s Revvin’ and You Put Me in Overdrive
Track 9: I’ll Be Here When Los Angeles Doesn’t Want You
Track 10: Daisy Duke Ain’t Got Nothing On You
Any music producers out there who want to make a guaranteed mint? I’m now considering serious offers only.
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I’m all about track 5 but I need to go up a few sizes and the hell with your heart, my big hoof is going on your neck.
Yeehaw.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Dude.
You aren’t awesome enough to be a country music singer.
P.S. I love me some T Swizzle but Carrie Underwood annoys the everloving shit outta me.
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Twitter: s_csr
on November 3rd, 2009 at Tuesday, November 3, 2009 @ 10:39 am
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), PS I don’t know how I missed that karaoke video. But dude, you aren’t even singing.
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Ima fan of both swift and underwood. Actually, if you want specifics, I’m a fan if ALL country music.
Especially Randy Travis. I would abandon my husband, children and home just to be his groupie. Course, I’d be the crazy groupie who kills his stupid wife and worms her way I to his heart while he is grieving, but still.
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Twitter: SwanShadow
says:
The only appropriate words to follow “If I was a country music star” are “I’d kill myself.”
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
This is disappointing. I kind of pictured you as a heavy metal/hair band kind of guy.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Your flag has no stars.
That’s just about the most anti-Amur-i-can shit I have ever seen! And I’ve watched MSNBC, son.
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@B.E. Earl, He is the star in our flag!!
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Getting out my credit card, when is the album available for purchase?
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Mmm I don’t think your heart could handle my size ten…but maybe your gut could…we can test this out at a later date. Have your people call my people to set up a meeting.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Now, would you be a serious country music star, or would you be the next Cledus T Judd?
I have a song title if you were going the later direction. “She Moved Me In A Rented U-Haul” set to parody the song “Memphis Soul Song”…….
Just tryin to help.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
You can’t become a country music star based on chic country music alone.
You can’t really become a country music star until you know all the words to at least one country music drinking song.
I recommend “Darlin’”.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
We need lyric sheets. Pronto.
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Country cuties constantly crooning causes creative concept, clever cartoon cover.
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Just make sure you grow a mullet, to show your seriousness.
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Bonus Track 11: It Was The Alcohol Talking, I Swear
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@Badass Geek, You would think that song was already a big hit!!
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Tap shoes, Robitussin, jelly beans.
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
Tswizzle and Carrie Underwood are awesome.
I’m busy admiring your karaoke skills right now, but I would totally buy your album.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I’m still 0 for 0 country music, well except for that one song but it was a cover done by Garth Brooks, it doesn’t count.
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I would SO buy Junior Hogan’s album. And that’s saying a lot because I LOATHE country music.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Hogan? As in Paul Hogan, Crocodile Dundee? AUSTRALIAN?!? Another faux-American Country singer… just like Keith Urban. Sad.
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So now you’re going to be a country music star? You haven’t gotten further than step 1 in your “how to be a rap star” series.
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I think the Reverend Horton Heat already beat you to the scene with songs like Nurture My Pig and Baby’s Liquored Up. Look for the soundtrack to the Redneck Rampage games if you want to check them out.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Based on the cover art alone, I am ready to preorder Junior Hogan’s album on iTunes. Not one track at a time, the WHOLE album. That’s huge!
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
You should get the Redneck Mommy to sign backup!
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
sing not sign
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Twitter: bobutler
says:
I can already hear tracks 3, 5 and 10. Can I write them? Please please please?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Bonus Track: “If Y’All Don’t Love This Lan’, Go the Hell Back To Afghanistan…”
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
This is perfect. I love it.
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I’m a little sad that none of the songs reference tractors, pick-ups or how your dog is better than your woman…but I suppose you always need to have second album material.
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So weird. I hate country music, too. But, Carrie Underwood was on TV this morning and after listening to a few of her songs, I thought she wasn’t that bad. Then again, I don’t think of her as country. I think of her as pop with a country twist. Same with Taylor Swift. Maybe that’s why I can tolerate, even like, their music.
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For your second album, you should invent a dance like the boot scootin’ boogie… those types of things are always surefire hits!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Of course, you’re going to do a duet with me,
“Well I was born a coal miner’s granddaughter.
In a hospital on a hill in West Virginy.
We were middle class with a Chevette
That little car was a piece of shit
None of us shoveled coal so… What?”
Yeah, maybe not.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Carrie and Taylor are a different breed of country. They’re pop country.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I know a great entertainment lawyer and have numerous contacts in music in Nashville. Just tell me “when” to start making calls, buddy. Will you sing the national anthem at the Talladega 500 next year?
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Country song titles in the format of Fall Out Boy. Nice.
The song “Before He Cheats” is a karaoke favorite of many a female at the bar I frequent. I wonder how many of them carry a baseball bat in their car. Even more curious: how many men did they dump that have bashed out headlights on their Dodge 4×4?
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Hahaha, I don’t know how you come up with this stuff but I love it!
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