I get a little obsessive about music. When I find a band or song that I enjoy, I’ll listen to it over and over again. And over. And over. Until I manage to work it out of my system. Right now, I’m repeating Taylor Swift’s “Fearless” album and Carrie Underwood’s “Some Hearts” album, which is funny, because I despise country music (this video of me singing “Before He Cheats” to the contrary)
Listening to these two artists on repeat ad nauseum has made me realize that I could totally be a country music star. I mean, sure, I can’t sing worth a damn, and the only instrument that I have any ability to play rhymes with “shkin fhlute”, but I could create the persona and come up with the song titles. And after that, the rest is gravy.
First, the persona. We couldn’t go with Adam Heath Avitable, because that sounds Mexican (not Spanish. Mexican), Italian (pronounced “eye-talian”) or maybe Middle Eastern of some sort. Adam is a decent first name for a country star, except that it might bring up memories of Adam Lambert, and he’s a homersexual. I can’t go with Heath, because Heath Ledger was Australian, a snooty actor fella, and someone who died using drugs. So we’ll have to start from scratch with my name.
Let’s pick a wholesome, healthy sounding first name. Something that screams good old fashioned simple values. A name that has been passed down from generation to generation. In fact, let’s dispense with the name at all and just go with the generational concept. First name: Junior.
For the last name, we need something that doesn’t sound foreign, and maybe has some type of positive connotation. A name that implies strength and America and history. A name that rang down through the 80s as a symbol of American pride. A symbol of . . .Hulkamania! Last name: Hogan.
Junior Hogan’s first album needs a powerful title that will make country fans stand up and take notice. It can be a little edgier, thanks to the advent of modern country. It should show some disdain for the New York and LA crowds while celebrating the heartland. It should show sensitivity, but not too much. How about: “My Heart’s Not a Flyover State“? No, too elitist sounding? What about “Love Like Mom Used To Make“?
Now our album cover is easy – a slightly sad artist in front of a patriotic tapestry:
Finally, all we need is a set list. Here are the 10 songs on Junior Hogan’s debut album, “Love Like Mom Used To Make”:
Track 1: I Want to be a Stepdad
Track 2: Little Rockin’ Car, How I Want to be Where You Are
Track 3: I Wasn’t Raised a Fool but I Turned Into One Right Quick
Track 4: I’ll Take Your Pain Away Under the Big Black Sky
Track 5: You Left Your Size 8 Boot Print on my Heart
Track 6: You Bowled A Strike With Me
Track 7: If I Thought You’d Wait For Me, I’d Go To War For You
Track 8: My Hemi’s Revvin’ and You Put Me in Overdrive
Track 9: I’ll Be Here When Los Angeles Doesn’t Want You
Track 10: Daisy Duke Ain’t Got Nothing On You
Any music producers out there who want to make a guaranteed mint? I’m now considering serious offers only.