As everyone probably knows, with the exception of the children of a few friends, I hate your kids.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have to buy gifts for them sometimes. I buy all the gifts in our household so I’ve had to figure out some good gifts to get for nieces and nephews and the kids of my friends. It can be a tricky minefield to navigate, though, so I wanted to put together a little “Dos” and “Don’ts” guide for those of you who hate kids but still have to buy gifts for them. If you want any of the items that are good gifts for kids, you can visit “Good For The Kids” and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!
For a brand new baby:
Now, you might think that the best gift for an infant would be something to keep him or her occupied and quiet. Something like this:
It would seem like it could work perfectly, right? It’s shiny, so the baby’s eyes will be distracted, plus there’s an end to stick in her mouth, and it’s almost as long as a baby is tall, so it can act as a full body pillow, too. However, most parents would probably be displeased if you proffered this amazing gift to their infant. Instead, try this:
WubbaNub Soothie Pacifier - Blue Pony Horse
For only $12.99, this pacifier will allow a parent to distract her child for at least a few more minutes, giving them a little more precious time to use Twitter or booze it up.
For a toddler:
Once again, you would think that a great gift for a toddler would be something that would prevent his or her little hands from getting into everything. Something that could distract them and help stimulate their growing brains by teaching them problem solving techniques. A gift you might think of would be something like this:
Duct tape can be used to tape arms and legs to walls or chairs, and a small piece can even be used over mouths. The high adhesion level of duct tape can teach children about persistence and they can use ingenuity to find sharp edges to cut themselves free. While this seems like the perfect gift, apparently it’s not. Instead, try this:
Melissa and Doug Classic Shape Sorting Cube
For only $14,99, this classic shape sorting cube can teach toddlers about pattern recognition, shapes, and advanced physics. Plus, once their arms get a bit stronger, the shapes are the perfect size and weight for hurling across the room right into Mommy’s face, giving her a black eye!
For pre-schoolers:
The preschooler has a hard road ahead of him or her. Newly potty trained, about to start going to class with a bunch of strangers, getting pushed into trying to read letters – this can be a lot of stress! Stress can result in intestinal distress and blockages that can result in illness. So what better gift could you possibly give to a preschooler than this:
But nooooo on the enema. Parents don’t want their three year-old sticking tubing in their ass and pumping it full of warm water. Who knows why not? Parents make some crazy decisions in today’s world. Maybe, instead of an enema, you could get them something like this:
Melissa and Doug Make-Your-Own Monster Puppet
A Make Your Own Monster Puppet can teach kids valuable creative skills, plus they can learn about anatomy. Monster arms, legs, and presumably a huge monster penis to attach! And if there’s no penis, you can make your own out of a sock filled with paper.
For elementary school aged kids:
Kids aged 4-8 are naturally curious. They’ll get their hands into everything they can, and they’ll poke, prod, feel, touch, and explore as much as possible. Your best bet is to feed that curiosity, especially with a gift like this:
You’d think that giving a child a tool to learn about pregnancy, oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse, while also giving them plenty of surfaces and orifices to touch and experiment with, would be perfect. It’s not. Instead, try this:
Melissa and Doug Role Play Police Officer Dress-Up Costume
Your child’s natural curiosity can now be met by dressing up as a figure of authority and telling other children to disrobe so that they can play police AND doctor. See? Multitasking and roleplaying are two additional skills that he or she can learn.
What other gifts can you get for all of those despised children? Check out “Good For The Kids” and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!
Enjoy this post? Try these:Avitable’s Gift Guide for the Four Year Old Girl
I hate your kids
A difficult day
You can totally get Logan the dress up outfit. Watch my blog, I will explain why asap.
Pee ess: if you are buying for me this year i’ll take the rubber penis and duct tape.
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@bluepaintred, oh, I bet you already have a state-of-the-art rubber penis.
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This has to be the funniest gift guide that I have ever seen. And so appropriate in many ways. Ha.
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@Renee, thanks.
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So are you suggesting that I take back the giant cock I bought for my friend’s baby shower?
Fuckme. I needed this guide last week. Sigh.
Oh well, I’ll keep the penis and buy a pacifier. :: shrug ::
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@Mrs. Flinger, or you could just keep it for yourself, you know. Use it as a planter or something else.
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Dear Uncle Avitable,
Please don’t buy us any christmas presents this year. Please.
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@mr lady’s kids, but I already picked out the perfect S&M kids playset!
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You forgot rolls of Extra-Strength Velcro. The little preschool rugrats can Velcro themselves to the wall and they’ll stay out of your face all day!
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, ah yes, Velcro is a great gift too!
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Will you be my personal shopper this holiday season?
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@Amad, but of course. Send me your list and I’ll pick out the perfect gifts.
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Its a proven fact that people that don’t like kids end up having the most children of their own!! My ex-MIL will tell you that when she was younger she didn’t even like children and she ended up having 7 not including twins that she lost. Be careful!
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@Momcat, so I should get a vasectomy, is that what you’re saying?
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I’m with W.C. Fields when he said that he loved children…medium rare.
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@B.E. Earl, with a little horseradish sauce?
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You will respect mah authoritahhhhh!
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@Hilly, it’s funny how those little references stick with you – I don’t even watch South Park anymore!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Where’s the FTC disclaimer?
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@Miss Britt,
he did not receive any compensation for the review, unless you call boob flashes. is that susceptible to any violations?
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@Miss Britt, ooh, good point. I should have mentioned that I wrote this post for zero compensation and that I have not actually tried any of the products mentioned, except for the duct tape and the pregnant sex doll.
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I’m with Momcat. I’m the only child and I hated other people’s kids. Then the baby bug bit me and I started to appreciate other children… as long as they don’t talk too much.
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@Sheena, well, I don’t have any kids so I can hate them all indiscriminately.
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Pre-pubescent present peril presented by pervert.
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@avatgardener, could have used a good puerile or pedantic, too.
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Thanks for letting me know about the monster making kit.
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@Valerie, I’m glad that this guide was actually a bit helpful!
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The only pacifiers Gilda would take were those damn Soothie pacifiers, only we didn’t realize that until we brought her home from the hospital. At the time, you could only buy them at the hospital, so my husband had to make the trek back there during an ice storm to get more.
good times, good times.
But I am totally down with the duct tape. If anyone complains, I’ll send them here and they’ll be grateful they didn’t get a penis or enema.
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@Sybil Law, I mean, could anyone really complain about an enema? I don’t think so!
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Twitter: elizawhat
says:
Heh, this was so worth running a few minutes late! (I should be getting ready for work right now.)
This year, I’m going to get all of the kids in my life books. I found some really cool ones so far that I know the oldest — Mike’s eleven-year-old brother — will enjoy. I’m also taking my godkids to a children’s museum so that they can poke, prod, touch, and explore things.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, books are a great gift, unless they really aren’t readers at all.
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You made me snort my coffee. BASTARD!
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@Secret Agent Mishi, snorting coffee is a good way to get the caffeine right into your system.
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Should I have re-thought your eager willingness to write about my store?
It’s a good thing I don’t answer to anyone…
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@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], best publicity you’ll get all year!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Duct tape is still a great toddler option. I use it all the time. That and super glue.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, good to know! I’ll place several orders for my friends with kids.
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omg I was totally going to get my kids duct tape… ok, maybe it’s more for me… best present EVER for under 2$!
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@christie, you can get all sorts of awesome colors, too!
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Note to self: Never let Adam babysit my kids.
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@Shauna, oh, I’d do great!
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@Shauna,
i’d totally let him babysit. he wouldn’t do it b/c he only babysit’s britt’s kids and his own nutsack, but if he said yes, i’d let him.
one rule: no computer
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That herekiddiekiddie code sounds like a pedophile trying to lure kids to their doom.
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@Grant, yeah, that was the code I asked for.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
you provide a great service here, adam. what a giver you are to share such information!
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@hello haha narf, I know. I’m a saint.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
But what about older kids? Mine has a birthday coming up, dammit!
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@Finn, definitely the sex doll.
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Love it! I told my brother (26 yrs old, single, non-parent) to just get my kids a big cardboard box and some bubble wrap. I mean the bubble wrap is totally a choking hazard, but the kids will have SO. MUCH. FUN.
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@Katie, exactly. Besides, survival of the fittest and all that.
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Wow, that was the best gift guide I’ve ever seen. You should write for Toys R Us!
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@Hockeyman, I’ll send them a pitch, then.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
It’s interesting how in less than two years I’ve come to accept, “I don’t hate your kids” as a compliment of the highest order. Sigh.
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@Faiqa, I even held yours. Well, the one who doesn’t run away at the sight of me!
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We had the Wubbanub when my son was a baby. It did give me freedom to play online. The pregnant fantasies love doll really creeped me out. I’m not going to be able to get that vision out of my head, all damn day. Damn you!!!!
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@Julie @ Angry Julie Monday, hahah – I’m the purveyor of daymares.
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I love it. Although, I would totally support someone giving my kids duct tape. They think that’s just the ultimate treat. Their VERY OWN strip of shiny duct tape to stick to things, or rip out body hair out with. Yay!
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@thepsychobabble, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
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Oh my God.
For the record, my son would be your best friend forever if you bought him duct tape. In fact, he LOVES Home Depot 100% more than Toys R Us. He loves doing anything construction-y. I should stop now, as you hate kids and I could go on and on and on about how cute he is and how how smart he is. Anyway. You make me laugh.
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@Loukia, I’m sure your kid is pretty awesome too.
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I was one of those non-kid people, until I realized I’m the 1 damn percent birth control would fail for. I like my own kids and a few select other peoples kids.
Seriously though, my kids would love some duct tape for Christmas. The younger two could have hours of fun taping each other to random surfaces.
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@Tiffany, maybe they really should sell kid-brand duct tape!
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Duct tape says love.
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@Robin, M-O-O-N spells love!
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I could write something sarcastic but really, I’m so damned happy to see that freakin’ shape sorter with it’s under $30 price tag that I could kiss you.
One Christmas present for Little Miss down. Whoooooo!
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), awesome! Of course, I don’t even get a commission or anything, but happy to help.
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Twitter: SarcasticMomLC
says:
John bought two of those pregnant fantasies love dolls for Braden last Christmas.
I’m not sure what ever happened to them, though. Huh.
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@Sarcastic Mom, has he demonstrated a deeper knowledge of female anatomy since?
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Best list ever….for everyone else’s kids. I never knew you could buy sex toys on Amazon. I have totally been using the wrong search terms.
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@perpstu, just don’t search for “the fist”.
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Were you snooping around in my toy bin again?
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@Aunt Becky, is that the locked chest under your bed that is buzzing?
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That pacifier horse thing looks terrifying.
Will there be a Gift Guide for People who Hate People?
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@Miss, I think I will do that gift guide, now that you mention it. Good plan!
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I’d hire you as a personal shopper. No question. Hilarious!
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@Selma, my prices are reasonable.
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Hmmmm.
A dildo for my little goddaughter?
Honestly hadn’t thought of THAT.
BBBwwwhahahahaha!!
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@rory, it can be an excellent primer for the rest of life.
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Yeeeah…..I went out and bought the puppet with the lofty dreams of teaching little ones how to use their imaginations.
They velcroed the pieces to the dog.
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@metalmom, that works, too!
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The owner of good for the kids is a very nice lady. I seem to remember she made a donation to my charity efforts last year.
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@Dan,
i am a very nice lady. thank you.
thanks to you, my new tagline will be “a very nice lady”.
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@Dan, well, she’s not that nice. She’s kind of crude and snarky. But she pretends well!
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