Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

Children’s Gift Guide for People Who Hate Kids

As everyone probably knows, with the exception of the children of a few friends, I hate your kids.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have to buy gifts for them sometimes. I buy all the gifts in our household so I’ve had to figure out some good gifts to get for nieces and nephews and the kids of my friends. It can be a tricky minefield to navigate, though, so I wanted to put together a little “Dos” and “Don’ts” guide for those of you who hate kids but still have to buy gifts for them. If you want any of the items that are good gifts for kids, you can visit “Good For The Kids” and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!

For a brand new baby:

Now, you might think that the best gift for an infant would be something to keep him or her occupied and quiet. Something like this:

It would seem like it could work perfectly, right? It’s shiny, so the baby’s eyes will be distracted, plus there’s an end to stick in her mouth, and it’s almost as long as a baby is tall, so it can act as a full body pillow, too. However, most parents would probably be displeased if you proffered this amazing gift to their infant. Instead, try this:

WubbaNub Soothie Pacifier - Blue Pony Horse
WubbaNub Soothie Pacifier - Blue Pony Horse

For only $12.99, this pacifier will allow a parent to distract her child for at least a few more minutes, giving them a little more precious time to use Twitter or booze it up.

For a toddler:

Once again, you would think that a great gift for a toddler would be something that would prevent his or her little hands from getting into everything. Something that could distract them and help stimulate their growing brains by teaching them problem solving techniques. A gift you might think of would be something like this:

Duct tape can be used to tape arms and legs to walls or chairs, and a small piece can even be used over mouths. The high adhesion level of duct tape can teach children about persistence and they can use ingenuity to find sharp edges to cut themselves free. While this seems like the perfect gift, apparently it’s not. Instead, try this:

Melissa and Doug Classic Shape Sorting Cube
Melissa and Doug Classic Shape Sorting Cube

For only $14,99, this classic shape sorting cube can teach toddlers about pattern recognition, shapes, and advanced physics. Plus, once their arms get a bit stronger, the shapes are the perfect size and weight for hurling across the room right into Mommy’s face, giving her a black eye!

For pre-schoolers:

The preschooler has a hard road ahead of him or her. Newly potty trained, about to start going to class with a bunch of strangers, getting pushed into trying to read letters – this can be a lot of stress! Stress can result in intestinal distress and blockages that can result in illness. So what better gift could you possibly give to a preschooler than this:

But nooooo on the enema. Parents don’t want their three year-old sticking tubing in their ass and pumping it full of warm water. Who knows why not? Parents make some crazy decisions in today’s world. Maybe, instead of an enema, you could get them something like this:

Melissa and Doug Make-Your-Own Monster Puppet
Melissa and Doug Make-Your-Own Monster Puppet

A Make Your Own Monster Puppet can teach kids valuable creative skills, plus they can learn about anatomy. Monster arms, legs, and presumably a huge monster penis to attach! And if there’s no penis, you can make your own out of a sock filled with paper.

For elementary school aged kids:

Kids aged 4-8 are naturally curious. They’ll get their hands into everything they can, and they’ll poke, prod, feel, touch, and explore as much as possible. Your best bet is to feed that curiosity, especially with a gift like this:

You’d think that giving a child a tool to learn about pregnancy, oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse, while also giving them plenty of surfaces and orifices to touch and experiment with, would be perfect. It’s not. Instead, try this:

Melissa and Doug Role Play Police Officer Dress-Up Costume
Melissa and Doug Role Play Police Officer Dress-Up Costume

Your child’s natural curiosity can now be met by dressing up as a figure of authority and telling other children to disrobe so that they can play police AND doctor. See? Multitasking and roleplaying are two additional skills that he or she can learn.

What other gifts can you get for all of those despised children? Check out “Good For The Kids” and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!

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83 Replies to “Children’s Gift Guide for People Who Hate Kids”

  1. Momcat

    Its a proven fact that people that don’t like kids end up having the most children of their own!! My ex-MIL will tell you that when she was younger she didn’t even like children and she ended up having 7 not including twins that she lost. Be careful!

  2. Sybil Law

    The only pacifiers Gilda would take were those damn Soothie pacifiers, only we didn’t realize that until we brought her home from the hospital. At the time, you could only buy them at the hospital, so my husband had to make the trek back there during an ice storm to get more.
    good times, good times.
    But I am totally down with the duct tape. If anyone complains, I’ll send them here and they’ll be grateful they didn’t get a penis or enema.

  3. Elizabeth Kaylene

    Heh, this was so worth running a few minutes late! (I should be getting ready for work right now.)

    This year, I’m going to get all of the kids in my life books. I found some really cool ones so far that I know the oldest — Mike’s eleven-year-old brother — will enjoy. I’m also taking my godkids to a children’s museum so that they can poke, prod, touch, and explore things. 😀

  4. Katie

    Love it! I told my brother (26 yrs old, single, non-parent) to just get my kids a big cardboard box and some bubble wrap. I mean the bubble wrap is totally a choking hazard, but the kids will have SO. MUCH. FUN.

  5. Loukia

    Oh my God.
    For the record, my son would be your best friend forever if you bought him duct tape. In fact, he LOVES Home Depot 100% more than Toys R Us. He loves doing anything construction-y. I should stop now, as you hate kids and I could go on and on and on about how cute he is and how how smart he is. Anyway. You make me laugh.

  6. Tiffany

    I was one of those non-kid people, until I realized I’m the 1 damn percent birth control would fail for. I like my own kids and a few select other peoples kids.

    Seriously though, my kids would love some duct tape for Christmas. The younger two could have hours of fun taping each other to random surfaces.

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