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Bad motherlucker

Today is Friday the 13th. For many people, it’s a day of superstition. Thirteen is typically regarded an unlucky number, and Friday the 13th holds specific meaning for people as a day to be careful. Superstitions are numerous in our culture. Don’t cross black cats, avoid ladders, don’t break mirrors, step over cracks – these are just a few of the more common superstitions that exist today. However, that’s just the tip of the unlucky iceberg. There are literally hundreds of daily activities that you could be performing that could cause you to experience bad luck or misfortune.

Avitable’s Superstition Primer

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find an eyelash and blow it away. Your wish will come true!

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a pubic hair and blow it away. Your crotch will smell like the ass of a homeless man for three days.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Avoid cracks, because stepping on a crack will break your mother’s back.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Don’t step on that crack, because your dad’s fucked.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw salt over your shoulder as soon as you spill it. You’ll avoid the devil.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw the salt shaker. You will get punched by a large man named Booger.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Hang a horseshoe above your door. Your household will have bountiful times.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Only use one nail to hang it. You will soon suffer a large concussion.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star. Make a wish and it will come true.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star and that star is Britney Spears and she’s falling on you. You will be a paraplegic.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Tell a performer “Break a leg” before a show. They’ll give an outstanding performance.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Sneak up behind them and snap their leg with a crowbar. You’ll be anally raped by a large prisoner named Booger.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on wood after mentioning something left up to chance. This way, your good fortune will continue.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on the wooden front door of your girlfriend’s house while she blows you because you want it to continue. You will be shot in the face by her dad’s gun.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit’s foot. Fortune should follow you.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit’s ear. A naked Rosie O’Donnell will follow you.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow out all of your candles on your birthday cake in one breath. Your wish will come true.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow so hard that you pass out. You will die by cake suffocation.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a four-leaf clover. You’ve got the luck of the Irish.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a five-leaf clover. You’ve got the luck of the Scottish.

and finally…

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Open an umbrella inside. Especially if you put it over your head.

IT’S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Open one of those little umbrellas that come with drinks inside. Everyone will think that you’re gay.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Cross paths with a black cat. You will experience bad luck.

IT’S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Cross a black hooker. You will get your ass cut.

Happy Friday the 13th!

(Reprinted from 2/13/09)

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47 Replies to “Bad motherlucker”

  1. Faiqa

    I don’t believe in stuff like this, at all. BUT. My daughter can count until 40, but every SINGLE time she does, she skips 13. She will absolutely NOT utter the word 13 in any context, and it has been that way since she was very little… It’s really creepy.

  2. Elizabeth Kaylene

    Oh, wow, it IS Friday the 13th! Which means I need to watch some horror movies tonight. ‘Cause I’m not superstitious, but there’s something about watching horror movies on a Friday the 13th.

    Now, my boyfriend? HE’S superstitious. He believes if he shaves his beard this season, our team will lose. And, on game day, neither of us are allowed to take our Colts hats off, because that’s bad luck, too. He’s got a ton more of these. I think they’re endearing, but hilarious!

  3. lceel

    Ah .. Friday the 13th. THAT’S why I saw that ‘nose’ video today. Just my luck. Speaking of Friday the 13th .. you WERE, right? … Do you know that it has its origins (the bad luck part) (by the way, the fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskevidekatriaphobia) (say THAT after three beers and a martini) (I think that’s the ONLY way I CAN say that) in the arrest of ALL the Knights Templar on Friday the 13th, 1307? Yes sir. The greedy King of France wanted their gelt and he arranged a thing with the Pope (who was equally as greedy) and had all the KT’s arrested in a co-ordinated sweep of all their hangouts. And Templar followers, ever after, considered Friday the 13th an evil day. To this day.

  4. Bre

    LOL! I know I’m late to the party but it was a good read! I have nothing else to do what with my preoccupation with elevating and icing my ankle … and Tweeting… and FB-ing, and reading blogs all whilst watching the Wizard of Oz. What a life!

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