Bad motherlucker
Today is Friday the 13th. For many people, it's a day of superstition. Thirteen is typically regarded an unlucky number, and Friday the 13th holds specific meaning for people as a day to be careful. Superstitions are numerous in our culture. Don't cross black cats, avoid ladders, don't break mirrors, step over cracks – these are just a few of the more common superstitions that exist today. However, that's just the tip of the unlucky iceberg. There are literally hundreds of daily activities that you could be performing that could cause you to experience bad luck or misfortune.
Avitable's Superstition Primer
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find an eyelash and blow it away. Your wish will come true!
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a pubic hair and blow it away. Your crotch will smell like the ass of a homeless man for three days.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Avoid cracks, because stepping on a crack will break your mother's back.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Don't step on that crack, because your dad's fucked.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw salt over your shoulder as soon as you spill it. You'll avoid the devil.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw the salt shaker. You will get punched by a large man named Booger.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Hang a horseshoe above your door. Your household will have bountiful times.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Only use one nail to hang it. You will soon suffer a large concussion.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star. Make a wish and it will come true.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star and that star is Britney Spears and she's falling on you. You will be a paraplegic.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Tell a performer "Break a leg" before a show. They'll give an outstanding performance.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Sneak up behind them and snap their leg with a crowbar. You'll be anally raped by a large prisoner named Booger.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on wood after mentioning something left up to chance. This way, your good fortune will continue.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on the wooden front door of your girlfriend's house while she blows you because you want it to continue. You will be shot in the face by her dad's gun.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit's foot. Fortune should follow you.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit's ear. A naked Rosie O'Donnell will follow you.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow out all of your candles on your birthday cake in one breath. Your wish will come true.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow so hard that you pass out. You will die by cake suffocation.
IT'S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a four-leaf clover. You've got the luck of the Irish.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a five-leaf clover. You've got the luck of the Scottish.
and finally…
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Open an umbrella inside. Especially if you put it over your head.
IT'S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Open one of those little umbrellas that come with drinks inside. Everyone will think that you're gay.
IT'S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Cross paths with a black cat. You will experience bad luck.
IT'S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Cross a black hooker. You will get your ass cut.
Happy Friday the 13th!
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Seriously?
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@Dave2, bit.ly does that automatically if you have an account with them.
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Everyone knows that only small men are nicknamed "Booger".
Just watch "Revenge of the Nerds" again.
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@B.E. Earl, he was big on the inside.
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People speak, and greet on seeing single birds here, like 'Morning Mr Magpie.' Now that's just an open invite for them to come shite on your head.
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@SingleParentDad, that is true. With homeless men too.
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Friday the 13th has traditionally always been a good day for me however the Saturday after? Yikes.
I guess I'm just a bad 80's movie waiting to happen.
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@Hilly, as long as you're not a bad 80's slasher movie waiting to happen! kill kill kill cha cha cha
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You can't anally rape the willing. Now you know. And know is half the battle of deciding if you're in the mood to drop the soap in the showers tonight.
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@Howard, you make an excellent point, wise one.
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Totally terrific tallying of triskaidekaphobic terrors.
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@avatgardener, thanks.
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There is only one thing worse than Rosie O'Donnell. And that is a NAKED Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm getting rid of this rabbit ear right now.
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@Badass Geek, you'll thank me later.
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This Booger guy really gets around and I sure hope he doesn't have my address.
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@Darryl, I'll pass it onto him. Tell me how it goes.
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Britney is falling from the sky? Run everyone! Ruuuuuuuuun!!!
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@Robin, we're all gonna die.
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I love how your brain works.
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@Employee No. 3699, thanks.
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I don't believe in stuff like this, at all. BUT. My daughter can count until 40, but every SINGLE time she does, she skips 13. She will absolutely NOT utter the word 13 in any context, and it has been that way since she was very little… It's really creepy.
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@Faiqa, What is going to do when she turns 13?
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@Faiqa, what have you done to your daughter?
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Oh, sure, you do Friday the 13th but don't even offer me a bj for Veteran's Day. Looks like I killed all those people in the Middle East just for fun.
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@Grant, I didn't realize it was Veteran's Day until it was too late.
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What, no ninjas?
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@Janer, ninjas are always good luck unless you sleep with the wife of one of them.
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You forgot to mention that it's extremely good luck to send me a $10 bill. This is a scientific fact, so EVERYONE should do it.
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@Finn, I agree.
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hahahahahaha
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@christie,
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I am following all these tips today. I finally get a chance to go out tonight and if Britney falls on me I'm gonna be pissed! (AND needing advice from doctweetMD!)
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@Sybil Law, well, doctweet is there for you!
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i once crossed a black tranny hooker. hooooooooooooooo, true story.
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@Crys, you gots to be careful!
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lmao at "luck of the scottish", too true, too true. I almost forgot it was friday the 13th. I'm supposed to bring sugary snacks to 4yr olds. That didn't have enough "bad luck potential" to start with?
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@thepsychobabble, yeah, you were pretty much screwed, I'm sure.
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Oh, wow, it IS Friday the 13th! Which means I need to watch some horror movies tonight. 'Cause I'm not superstitious, but there's something about watching horror movies on a Friday the 13th.
Now, my boyfriend? HE'S superstitious. He believes if he shaves his beard this season, our team will lose. And, on game day, neither of us are allowed to take our Colts hats off, because that's bad luck, too. He's got a ton more of these. I think they're endearing, but hilarious!
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, at least YOU think they're endearing.
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Ah .. Friday the 13th. THAT'S why I saw that 'nose' video today. Just my luck. Speaking of Friday the 13th .. you WERE, right? … Do you know that it has its origins (the bad luck part) (by the way, the fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskevidekatriaphobia) (say THAT after three beers and a martini) (I think that's the ONLY way I CAN say that) in the arrest of ALL the Knights Templar on Friday the 13th, 1307? Yes sir. The greedy King of France wanted their gelt and he arranged a thing with the Pope (who was equally as greedy) and had all the KT's arrested in a co-ordinated sweep of all their hangouts. And Templar followers, ever after, considered Friday the 13th an evil day. To this day.
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@lceel, yes, I knew all of that. I know EVERYTHING.
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@Avitable, Of course you do. I know that. We ALL know that. Just keep your clothes on.
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At least its not Martes 13
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@Clayton, is that even worse?
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If you speak Spanish it is. According to the almanac there are more Spanish speakers in the world than English so… I guess its worse. according to my half baked logic.
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LOL! I know I'm late to the party but it was a good read! I have nothing else to do what with my preoccupation with elevating and icing my ankle … and Tweeting… and FB-ing, and reading blogs all whilst watching the Wizard of Oz. What a life!
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@Bre, that sucks about your ankle – hope it's better now!
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