Mercury Falls is the first book by blogger, cat fancier, and penis mightier Robert “Diddletits” Kroese. I originally bought this book directly from Amazon out of pity. Here was this blogger with a sometimes marginally amusing, sometimes hilarious, and always anal retentive and didactic blog who had managed to string together 300-rough pages of words and self-publish it, and he was pushing it and offering blowjobs, teen Thai hookers, and giant-sized chocolate bars for anyone who would even consider purchasing it (full FTC disclosure – I paid full price for the book but received a thirty-second blowjob and some chocolate).
I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I started reading. There was a chance that it would have a flawed narrative, poorly realized protagonist, and cardboard characters who follow every cliche in el libro. I gritted my teeth, dropped my pants, sat on the the throne, and started reading.
Mercury Falls is the funniest fucking book I’ve read all year. Imagine a world in which Douglas Adams and Chuck Palahniuk met in a bar in Los Angeles, where they drank gin-filled fizzy lifting drinks culminating in a passionate night of unprotected assfucking. This tumultuous evening resulted in the birth of a baby girl, beautiful in spite of her harelip. Eighteen years later, this girl drinks Carl Hiaasen under the table in the very same bar, and takes him home where she sticks a cattle prod in his ass and fucks him crazy. The baby that comes from this unholy hilarious union is Rob Kroese, and his destiny is to write this book.
I found this book to be clever and funny without feeling forced. It flowed nicely, had well-rounded characters that avoided triteness, and told a fun, intelligent story. It’s difficult to write smart humor without sounding either pretentious or hackneyed, and Kroese manages to pull it off almost flawlessly. While there were only a few parts that made me laugh vocally, I found myself chuckling and smiling as I enjoyed his turns of a phrase and intelligent prose.
I give this book my full and complete recommendation. Go over to MercuryFalls.net and purchase a copy today. Support a new author, get away from the Internet for 300 plus pages, and enjoy a finely written, clever tome. That’s right – I said tome. That means I’m fancy and know what I’m talking about!
And now, for your reading pleasure, an interview with the author himself:
AVITABLE: Which of these three angel-themed movies influenced you the most? Angels in the Outfield, Almost an Angel, Charlie’s Angels.
KROESE: I think all three of those films have had such an influence on so many writers, it’s difficult to say which one was the most important. I mean, just the other day I was hanging out with Chuck Palahniuk and Cormac McCarthy at Jack in the Box, and Corm couldn’t stop talking about the irony of “the guy from Down Under working for the Man Upstairs” in Almost an Angel. Finally Chuck just beat the crap out of him. I mean, you don’t disrespect Cameron Diaz in front of Chuck Palahniuk. And I was like, guys, if you’re talking angel movies, nobody can touch Christopher Lloyd in Angels in the Outfield. We finally had to settle the matter by eating some peyote brownies and playing Russian roulette. Funny story, actually, because it turns out we were playing Russian roulette with a halibut. Anyhoo, Cormac McCarthy is dead.
AVITABLE: Who would win in a fight between an angel and a werewolf? A werewolf and a vampire? The Thing or The Hulk?
KROESE: We all win, Adam. Except for with the Hulk one, because everybody knows that The Thing is yellow.
AVITABLE: Do you find that it’s easier to write before or after a big meal? A nap? Killing a hooker?
KROESE: The writing process, for me, goes like this: hooker, nap, write, big meal, nap, hooker, hooker, nap. Mercury Falls took me 3 years to write, mostly because I forgot to do the writing part for the first 2 1/2.
AVITABLE: Have you ever had panties thrown at you during a book signing? Do you want me to throw mine?
KROESE: My mother actually showed up at the last one and threw some underwear at me. It was my dad’s. I’m still trying to sort that one out.
AVITABLE: If you had one piece of advice for a struggling author, what would it be, in Pig Latin?
KROESE: On’tday ebay ootay oudpray otay oday ateverwhay ouyay eednay otay oday otay ellsay ooksbay, evenway ifway itway eansmay answeringway asinineway estionsquay.
AVITABLE: Which one of your characters would be the most likely to maintain a blog and what type of blog would it be?
KROESE: Well, setting aside the narrator, Ederatz, I’d have to say Perp the cherub. Perp loves giving unsolicited advice to strangers, which is totally what the Internet is all about.
AVITABLE: Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
KROESE: Yes, but only as a tourist. I love the part of the tour where they hang you upside down by your jigglies.
AVITABLE: Do you know where I put my wallet?
KROESE: No, and I’d rather you didn’t tell me.
AVITABLE: Is it sacrilegious for an angel to eat deviled eggs or devil’s food cake?
KROESE: Hey, if Catholics can eat Jesus every week, I think we can give the angels a break on this one.
AVITABLE: If your book was turned into a film, who could you see playing each role?
KROESE: Somebody recently suggested Alan Tudyk, who played Wash on Firefly, for Mercury. The only problem is that I think Alan Tudyk is contractually obligated to die in all of his roles, and Mercury is an angel, so that’s going to be a problem. He does get blown up at one point though, so maybe that counts. As for Christine, the female protagonist, I’d like to see Zoe Deschanel or Rachel McAdams, because they’re both cute as buttons. Barring those choices, I was thinking it would be good to get the whole cast of Glee involved, if only so we can get production on that show shut down for a few months. 🙂
And there you have it. Regardless of his obvious poor choice in maligning Glee, one of the best shows on TV today, I still recommend buying his book immediately, albeit slightly more reluctantly now.