Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

The funniest book I’ve read all year

Mercury Falls, by Rob Kroese
Mercury Falls, by Rob Kroese
Mercury Falls is the first book by blogger, cat fancier, and penis mightier Robert “Diddletits” Kroese. I originally bought this book directly from Amazon out of pity. Here was this blogger with a sometimes marginally amusing, sometimes hilarious, and always anal retentive and didactic blog who had managed to string together 300-rough pages of words and self-publish it, and he was pushing it and offering blowjobs, teen Thai hookers, and giant-sized chocolate bars for anyone who would even consider purchasing it (full FTC disclosure – I paid full price for the book but received a thirty-second blowjob and some chocolate).

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I started reading. There was a chance that it would have a flawed narrative, poorly realized protagonist, and cardboard characters who follow every cliche in el libro. I gritted my teeth, dropped my pants, sat on the the throne, and started reading.

Mercury Falls is the funniest fucking book I’ve read all year. Imagine a world in which Douglas Adams and Chuck Palahniuk met in a bar in Los Angeles, where they drank gin-filled fizzy lifting drinks culminating in a passionate night of unprotected assfucking. This tumultuous evening resulted in the birth of a baby girl, beautiful in spite of her harelip. Eighteen years later, this girl drinks Carl Hiaasen under the table in the very same bar, and takes him home where she sticks a cattle prod in his ass and fucks him crazy. The baby that comes from this unholy hilarious union is Rob Kroese, and his destiny is to write this book.

I found this book to be clever and funny without feeling forced. It flowed nicely, had well-rounded characters that avoided triteness, and told a fun, intelligent story. It’s difficult to write smart humor without sounding either pretentious or hackneyed, and Kroese manages to pull it off almost flawlessly. While there were only a few parts that made me laugh vocally, I found myself chuckling and smiling as I enjoyed his turns of a phrase and intelligent prose.

I give this book my full and complete recommendation. Go over to MercuryFalls.net and purchase a copy today. Support a new author, get away from the Internet for 300 plus pages, and enjoy a finely written, clever tome. That’s right – I said tome. That means I’m fancy and know what I’m talking about!

And now, for your reading pleasure, an interview with the author himself:

AVITABLE: Which of these three angel-themed movies influenced you the most? Angels in the Outfield, Almost an Angel, Charlie’s Angels.

KROESE: I think all three of those films have had such an influence on so many writers, it’s difficult to say which one was the most important. I mean, just the other day I was hanging out with Chuck Palahniuk and Cormac McCarthy at Jack in the Box, and Corm couldn’t stop talking about the irony of “the guy from Down Under working for the Man Upstairs” in Almost an Angel. Finally Chuck just beat the crap out of him. I mean, you don’t disrespect Cameron Diaz in front of Chuck Palahniuk. And I was like, guys, if you’re talking angel movies, nobody can touch Christopher Lloyd in Angels in the Outfield. We finally had to settle the matter by eating some peyote brownies and playing Russian roulette. Funny story, actually, because it turns out we were playing Russian roulette with a halibut. Anyhoo, Cormac McCarthy is dead.

AVITABLE: Who would win in a fight between an angel and a werewolf? A werewolf and a vampire? The Thing or The Hulk?

KROESE: We all win, Adam. Except for with the Hulk one, because everybody knows that The Thing is yellow.

AVITABLE: Do you find that it’s easier to write before or after a big meal? A nap? Killing a hooker?

KROESE: The writing process, for me, goes like this: hooker, nap, write, big meal, nap, hooker, hooker, nap. Mercury Falls took me 3 years to write, mostly because I forgot to do the writing part for the first 2 1/2.

AVITABLE: Have you ever had panties thrown at you during a book signing? Do you want me to throw mine?

KROESE: My mother actually showed up at the last one and threw some underwear at me. It was my dad’s. I’m still trying to sort that one out.

AVITABLE: If you had one piece of advice for a struggling author, what would it be, in Pig Latin?

KROESE: On’tday ebay ootay oudpray otay oday ateverwhay ouyay eednay otay oday otay ellsay ooksbay, evenway ifway itway eansmay answeringway asinineway estionsquay.

AVITABLE: Which one of your characters would be the most likely to maintain a blog and what type of blog would it be?

KROESE: Well, setting aside the narrator, Ederatz, I’d have to say Perp the cherub. Perp loves giving unsolicited advice to strangers, which is totally what the Internet is all about.

AVITABLE: Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

KROESE: Yes, but only as a tourist. I love the part of the tour where they hang you upside down by your jigglies.

AVITABLE: Do you know where I put my wallet?

KROESE: No, and I’d rather you didn’t tell me.

AVITABLE: Is it sacrilegious for an angel to eat deviled eggs or devil’s food cake?

KROESE: Hey, if Catholics can eat Jesus every week, I think we can give the angels a break on this one.

AVITABLE: If your book was turned into a film, who could you see playing each role?

KROESE: Somebody recently suggested Alan Tudyk, who played Wash on Firefly, for Mercury. The only problem is that I think Alan Tudyk is contractually obligated to die in all of his roles, and Mercury is an angel, so that’s going to be a problem. He does get blown up at one point though, so maybe that counts. As for Christine, the female protagonist, I’d like to see Zoe Deschanel or Rachel McAdams, because they’re both cute as buttons. Barring those choices, I was thinking it would be good to get the whole cast of Glee involved, if only so we can get production on that show shut down for a few months. 🙂

And there you have it. Regardless of his obvious poor choice in maligning Glee, one of the best shows on TV today, I still recommend buying his book immediately, albeit slightly more reluctantly now.

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62 Replies to “The funniest book I’ve read all year”

  1. Pop and Ice

    Bought my copy today – even before I read your interview. My only *negative* comment to make is that it’s not nice to talk about Jack in the Box when it’s fucking not available in your home state. My husband actually bought and froze JITB tacos from Washington state and brought them home to Michigan for me while on a business trip. That’s how much I love JITB tacos.

  2. Jennifer

    See, now had you said that it was a Christopher Moore and Douglas Adams love child, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from ordering a copy.

    I’ve seen the book around the interwebs and it’s intrigued me. Will have to purchase it after I have funds, I suppose he won’t take payment in soap, therefore, I must sell the soap to buy the book!

  3. Jennifer

    Ok, after reading a bit of his work, he sounds a LOT like Christopher Moore, have you read anything by him? I think his stuff would also be up your alley, hes an equal opportunity offender. He’s very non PC. More than once I had to get off the treadmill (I was listening to him on my Ipod) or I was going to fall off from laughing so hard.

    Here is my favorite line from the book “A Dirty Job”.

    (Charlie is talking to his lesbian sister Jane)

    “Oh my God Charlie, Sophie’s straight. Look at her go after that Lil’ Smokie…I’m so disappointed,” said Jane. “I was looking forward to raising her on the all-girls team– giving her the advantages I never had, but look at her work that sausage. This kid is a natural.”
    “Get that out of her mouth!”
    “Relax, she can’t eat it. She doesn’t even have teeth. And it’s not like there’s a moaning Teletubby on the other end of it. Oh jeez, it’s going to take major tequila to get that picture out of my head…I don’t think I can eat these things ever again,” Jane said. “They’ll always conjure up visions of my niece blowing a terry-clothed puppet person.”

  4. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    I have this book sitting on my nightstand. Rob even signed it “Hamsters?” which made me fall instantly in love with the man. What’s holding me back is all my historical biographies about the Tudors. I’m determined to finish reading all of them before I start anything enjoyable *shakes fist at the heavens*.

  5. Grant

    I’m filing for bankruptcy now so I should be able to start keeping and using my own money. When I can, I’ll give it a look. If I don’t like it, I’m returning the bj but keeping the Thai teen.

  6. diesel

    Thanks, Adam! I should clarify, for potential readers’ sake, that there is a lot less assf***ing and the like than his review might lead you to believe. If you don’t count a few mentions of spelunking, the book is pretty clean.

    Also, I have to know – Did you actually submit this whole post to Amazon, unedited, as a review? Because if so, I think you had some poor censor up all night. Reading your review on Amazon is like listening to the radio edit of Everlast’s “What it’s like”.

    • Avitable

      @diesel, wait, did I imply that the book had assfucking in it? I was saying that you as the author were an unholy product of much fucking of the asses of great literary minds. See?

      I submitted the whole post with just a few edits and a few asterisks. And it got approved!

  7. MayoPie

    Jennifer- I understand you have some soap for sale. I’m not saying I’m interested…ok… I’m very interested. Let’s dispatch with the games and see if we can come to terms. Please send me some pics and a brief description of its fragrance.

  8. diesel

    Jennifer – Actually, I could be persuaded to take soap in payment. I sometimes use soap to clean myself. Email me at diesel (at) mattresspolice.com if you’re interested in making a trade. 🙂

  9. Katy

    You almost had me at Douglas Adams and Carl Hiaason but when one of the reviews on the website mentioned Christopher Moore – well – that was the dealmaker. I just ordered the book on Amazon. If it sucks I’m sending you two 13 year old boys via UPS with no forwarding address.

    It better not suck.

  10. delmer

    Interesting review. Kroese is going to owe you more chocolate.

    I’m a fan of Adams and Carl Hiaasen — Palahniuk’s “Choke” didn’t do anything for me (maybe I’m not clever enough or something to get him).

    I’ll give Mercury Falls a read.

  11. diesel

    @Jennifer, Yeah, I was serious about the soap thing. I need soap, you need this book. Email me. diesel (at) mattresspolice.com.

    One thing though – this soap isn’t made from stuff in the garbage bins at liposuction clinics, is it? (Shudder)

    • Jennifer

      @diesel, I tortured very large coconuts, olives, palm trees (but the ones that are already established, thereby allowing Orangutans to live in peace and harmony)and canola plants for their oil.

      I use oxides, micas and clays for color and all my soaps are anywhere from 96-100% all natural.

      Animal products are only used in two soaps, goats, oats and bees (good for eczema, dermatitis and psoriasis) and Burnt Goat (good for oily and acne prone skin).

      My website is http://www.creativewanderings.ca if you want to check it out.

  12. Elizabeth Kaylene

    Is that interview actually him, or you swinging it like when you interview dead people? ‘Cause if he’s dead, what good would it do for me to buy his book?

    Seriously, though, I’d like to buy it because I hope that someday some random person will take the same chance on me, if I can ever finish something to get published. 😀

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