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The answers to life

Earlier this week, in an exhibition of complete and utter creative laziness, I asked for questions that I would answer. Some of you heard my cry for help and came running. And now I provide you with the fruits plucked as you enabled my inability to come up with anything to post on my own:

Bluepaintred asked: Did your blog theme change? How long has that weird white outline been here?

Blue, that’s a change I was required to add to my blog for all Canadian visitors. English speaking Canadians see just a white border but the French speaking ones see a blank page that tells them to go eat cheese and drink wine.

Dave2 asked: What’s the theme for next year’s Halloween party?

Rabies. Or “The Horror of Papercuts!” We haven’t decided yet.

Andria asked: When potty-training a boy, what do I teach him to do with his weenie? Do you shake it? Flick it? Dab it with toilet paper?! I’m so confused here. I don’t want to screw him up. Also, is calling it a “weenie” potentially messing him up too?!

I usually just move my hips like a hula hoop. Sure, this might get a little splashback around the bathroom, but it’s fun. And it’s better to call it “horse cock” for self esteem issues.

Zoeyjane asked: If you had to pick a new blog wife because Britt had a torrid blog affair with Father Muskrat, whose hand would you take in blogtrimony?

This is an easy question. I would host a reality show called “The Great Avitable Blog Wife Showdown” and would pit fourteen BILFs against each other to compete for the title of my blog wife. In the end, the winner would be the one with the biggest tits readership.

Shauna asked: My left arm itches. Can you tell me why?

Shauna, when you spend half your day with your arm in a bull’s ass, stimulating his prostate for semen collection, you should expect that you might get a little bit of a rash. I’d recommend using your right arm for a while.

Grant asked: Why does your template not remember my e-mail address from my home PC using Firefox when everyone else’s is fine? 2nd question – why don’t you get rid of that sodding twitter Follow me thingy that makes me scroll up and down so I can read the text it covers?

Maybe my template isn’t saving cookies properly – I plan on doing a new template at some point in the near future. And what resolution do you have your damn computer set at to have that Twitter plugin affecting the screen real estate? I think you should get a bigger monitor.

Sheila asked: What would the world do without kind, compassionate, caring people like you?

Um, hello? I crotchpunch nuns and hate babies. You must have me confused with another Avitable.

Finn asked: What would you say is the most interesting thing about you?

I really don’t know. I have good stories?

BE Earl asked: There is one picture on your sidebar that you could explain for me. It looks like something or other is on your chest and you may or may not have any arms. What is going on with that pic? It eludes me.

That’s this picture. It’s my Halloween costume from three years ago, when I was Steve Irwin with a stingray attached to my chest.

Howard asked: We all know the Mayan calendar is a circle so it’s just going to start over not be the end of time, so what will be the downfall of planet Earth?


Psychobabble asked: If you were turned into a lesbian by a magical unicorn, and the only other lesbians in the world were Rosie O’Donell and Ellen Degeneres, who would you make sweet love to? (Your hand is not an option)

Will the world really end in 2012? If so, will it be aliens, humans or nature that takes us out?

How many licks does it REALLY take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

1. Totally Ellen. She’s cute and funny. 2. See my answer above. 3. Ask Ellen.

Sybil asked: Where in the hell is my one black shirt; the v – neck sweater? I’ve looked and looked, and I cannot find it!

Your husband is wearing it under his clothes, along with one of your bras.

CP asked: When in a sexual relationship with a man, would you be the top or the bottom? And, would a reach around be involved at any point?

Can I be the side? And reacharounds are standard practice on the third date.

Sunny asked: Where’s your favorite place to get lunch in town (let’s say Altamonte over Maitland), and how do you feel about meeting random non-famous bloggers (outside of Halloween) who only know where you live because of a return address on a picture of a large box posted in a really cool Canadian chick’s blog?

I’m a fan of Chili’s or TGI Friday’s and I am always up for a blogger meetup!

Sandi asked: If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

What would you pick for your last meal if you were on death row?

If you had your own tv talk show who would you pick to be your first guest and what would you like to ask them about?

1. Los Angeles. I loved it there.

2. Filet mignon, Oscar style, medium rare, mashed potatoes, chocolate lava cake.

3. I’d pick Weird Al Yankovic. The man is a genius.

Poppy asked: Why’d you change the orientation of your desk in your office?

I needed to make more room and get rid of an extra desk that was already in here. Plus, I needed to park my car in here.

Nadine asked: What do you believe happens after death?

I believe that zombies need to be shot in the head or chopped up into little bits if they’re going to stay down.

Faiqa asked: When are you going to finally admit that you feel intellectually and, let’s face it, generally inferior to me? I just want to know, so I can prepare myself in advance… humility doesn’t come easy and I’m going to need a few days to practice.

But my superiority over you was the last thread keeping me from realizing that suicide is my only way out. Gee, thanks.

Laurie asked: Also, can we get an update on the state of your facial hair growth?

The beard is back!


Hilly asked: What was your nickname in high school and why?
Also, what is the craziest thing you would do for a Klondike bar (in a world where “Klondike Bar” means “thing you want most in this world, like Michael J. Fox’s semen or whatever”)?

1. I didn’t have a nickname in high school. I was just Adam back then. That was before I became the All Powerful Avitable in college and law school. That’s right – have I mentioned that I went to law school?

2. Oh, for Michael J. Fox’s semen? I’d sneak out of my second story apartment window and run across the rooftops and run away from an angry dog just so I could get a Diet Coke for my hot female neighbor. Wait, what?

Thanks to everyone who asked questions!

64 thoughts on “The answers to life”

  1. Boo! I guess mine didn’t post to the comments that day! It was,

    “Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? And what if you are still in love with said love, they are still in love w/you, you are still friends, but you’re both married w/families and now you realize your massive fuck up, but are going on with life as friends?”

    heh, heh…… I ask the tough ones!

    1. @Faiqa, he’s very smart and that comes through in the way that he does his music. It’s less about being funny. It’s okay that you don’t get it – it’s a white thing. Heh. I can’t even type that with a straight face.

  2. Thanks, Adam. Normally, I *would* use my right arm, but I find it’s difficult to do when most of the time I have it shoved up YOUR ass–you know, for rubbing YOUR prostate. You’re welcome by the way.

  3. i’m disturbed that i noticed your fridge is different…not that i am disturbed that you painted it or something, but disturbed that i noticed. man, i really need to step away from the internet more considering how my limited brainpower is being sucked up with such observations. sheesh.

    but back to the post. i like the beard. and you topless. le rowl.

  4. mmmmm crab… wait.. what?? i missed something…

    oh and biggest tits- I would TOTALLY win… 😛 jus’ sayin… We’d have to move to Utah though, because I’m already married and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to be married to more than one person.

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