This part right here is the pitch. It’s where I would write some clever wording and explain some far-fetched scenario that explains the photo below. I would talk about the post last week where my head was Photoshopped on Levi Johnston’s Playgirl photo, and how I thought it would be funny to actually recreate that photo and put the original photo of Levi Johnston’s skinny fit self next to the new one of my hairy fat self, then write a post saying that Playgirl really did use my body and put Levi’s head on it. And then I would end the pitch that most of you wouldn’t even read with some witty bon mot and follow it up with the photo that was the whole point of the gag I was writing in the first place:
Avitable and Levi Johnston
(thanks to Mew for the photo shoot)
Enjoy this post? Try these:Levi Johnston: Beefcake or fraud? You decide.
Well . . . ummm . . . so that backfired
My day yesterday
Are we choosing which one we like better? Cuz I choose YOU.
Love it, Adam.
Reply
@Shauna, no, no, no. You’re supposed to pick him! I’m just the comic relief.
Reply
HOLY SHIT. You look great. (I realize this is supposed to be funny/parody/etc. but I just can’t believe how far you’ve come. Amazing, Adam.)
That’s pure awesomeness.
Reply
@Undomestic Diva, still a looooong way to go.
Reply
I totally pick you over Levi too.
Reply
@Dawn, but only if I stand in a shower under the right lighting carefully posed.
Reply
Twitter: VDog
says:
I’m sure Adam’s the better lovah
Reply
@VDog, I’m probably more eager. Fat guys usually are.
Reply
Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
I happen to find fat naked guys attractive. Hairy chests are nice too.
Just sayin’.
Reply
@Ashleigh, and yet you didn’t come to my Halloween party and dry hump me?
Reply
Twitter: www.mom2nji.blogspot.com
says:
Ditto to everything above. Love it.
Reply
@Jenni/mom2nji, you mean Levi, right?
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
You’re looking great, man. So much progress! And you finally learned how to cover your junk up!
Reply
@Amanda, well, if Levi had gone full monty . . .
Reply
Can I just say, omg omg omg wow…you look quite hot. I’ve seen other pictures, cough cough, you know…other pictures, and wow….FUCK!!! You are svelte!!!
Reply
@Julie @ Angry Julie Monday, I think almost 300 is a far way from svelte. 70-80 pounds at least!
Reply
Do you have a tripod? I’m just curious.
Lookin good buddy!
Reply
@Miss, no, I had a friend take the photo. She was a good sport!
Reply
You look amazing. As the wife of a fat hairy guy ( well, widow, but shit) … I say you look great !! Way better than hairless oily boy with the wayward nips…..
Reply
@Kim, I guess that “great” is subjective. He’s the one who can probably do a pull-up.
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I’d say you could take Levi in a nekkid oil wrestling match. 2 out of 3 falls, at least.
That’s what this was all about, right?
Reply
@B.E. Earl, exactly. Since he’s not around, are you up for it? I’ll take you on!
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
on November 30th, 2009 at Monday, November 30, 2009 @ 1:08 pm
@Avitable, Just so you know, I fight dirty. And by “dirty” I mean “sexy”.
Reply
Not bad not bad… I like a man with a hairy chest.
Reply
@Kim @ Beautiful Wreck, ah yes, but what about hairy shoulders? And ears? And a back?
Reply
You have a bigger towel, right?
Reply
@Elaine, I wish that meant something!
Reply
let me put it this way.. im not gay.. but if i had to have prison sex with adam or levi…i am definitely begging adam to do me cause he’s going to be clumsy and slower (no offense) and a whole lot more gentle than levi who would probably rip me a new one .. i mean look at him.. im just sayin.. so adam be my daddy
Reply
@jt, plus, I’d be softer, so you wouldn’t have to worry about hip bones poking you.
Reply
@Avitable, actually yeah, you have a good point there about the hip bones. It gets annoying to wake up and see another set of bruises! I shall feel Micah Lard for dinner and hope for the best!
Reply
@bluepaintred, and by “feel” I’m guessing you mean “feed”. Good plan!
Reply
@Avitable, heh, yeah well, you know me and typing!
Reply
My, Adam. What large hands you have….
Reply
@Amo, I think you mean “love handles”.
Reply
I’m betting you need the bigger towel for your massive junk. Am I right? (Poor little stick figure Adams no longer have visible junk. Makes me so sad.)
Reply
@Kris, stick figure Adam has visible junk when he’s naked. Sometimes he has stick shorts on.
Reply
You have such a pretty face.
I can tell because I’m ONLY LOOKING AT IT AND NO WHERE ELSE.
Reply
@Redneck Mommy, oh suuuuure. You’re gazing at my corpulent hotness.
Reply
Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
you’re totally hotter. i will masturbate to this later.
Reply
@CP, now that’s a visual. I love making JAPs happy.
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
MY EYES!! MYYYYYY EYYYYYYES!
Also, I’d say you looked great, but there’s some sort of animal obscuring my view of you body. But, seriously, I mean, come on, are you SURE you’re not Middle Eastern?
Reply
@Faiqa, well, my chest hair isn’t all curly like a chia pet. Isn’t that more indicative?
Reply
This is totally awesome! You got the look down. Plus, Playgirl needs to hire you.
Reply
@Lynda, maybe as their virtual fluffer. I can make the guys feel better about themselves by standing next to them when they’re posing.
Reply
Twitter: WWScissors
says:
Who the fuck is Levi Johnston? His armpit hair is gross.
You’re much hotter.
Reply
@Lynn @ Walking With Scissors, he’s Sarah Palin’s ex-son-in-law.
Reply
I LOVE a hairy guy and he has to be cuddly too. Ding ding ding! You’re a winner! For real, I like guys who kinda look like Santa, and, you know, have Santa ATTRIBUTES.
Reply
@Pop and Ice, like my jingle bells?
Reply
ok I hafta agree…Adam? You totally rock ass over that skinny dude! You are a beautiful man
Reply
@Moon HalloranLeady, rock ass sounds dirty in the wrong way.
Reply
I might have just stole that pic off your blog. Then I might have edited it and cropped it and done *other things* to it. And now it’s my screensaver. ThankYouVeryMuch! : )
Reply
@Twenty Four At Heart, I can give you a high-res version of the Levi one because that might work better.
Reply
Twitter: Blogography
says:
Why weren’t you hosed down before they took the picture? Sexiness is 10% moisture.
Reply
@Dave2, Mew and I talked about that, but in the end, we decided just to go with it.
Reply
OMG.
Re: Skype… YES. IT IS FUNNY. ;P
Reply
@Loralee, aww, thanks.
Reply
Twitter: ellemmes
says:
You forgot the baby oil! Every self-respecting beefcake model slathers on the baby oil before the shoot. You need a new manager to take care of these things for you. Yanno, since you’re now a famous almost (thank God) nude model.
Reply
@Lisa, I tried Crisco but then I ate it all off first.
Reply
Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Dude! You look awesome! You look even better than at the party! I could never respect a guy named after a jeans company, but you…… you I could.
Reply
@Blondefabulous, so you’re unaware of Avitable Jeans, then?
Reply
You have *way* nicer pecs than Scrawny Boy and, with a bit more body hair, you could totally body-double for my boyfriend…who is half Persian, so maybe there’s something to this Middle-eastern thing…
Reply
@Kendall, less pecs and more moobs, I think.
Reply
You nailed it.
Reply
@Maria, that’s my Blue Steel.
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
I pick you, because the look in your eyes is much more steamy and bedroom-y. That other guy just looks bored.
And again, I’m still shocked that you’re not flashing us your balls.
Reply
@Elizabeth Kaylene, well, I already did that on Thursday. Can’t do it too much!
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
on November 30th, 2009 at Monday, November 30, 2009 @ 4:20 pm
@Avitable, Can we all have that in writing?
Reply
Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
You look way better than that scrawny model. He needs a cheeseburger or twelve.
Reply
@Karen Sugarpants, and I need no more cheeseburgers.
Reply
Sigh
Reply
@Clown, stop asking me for the photo without the towel!
Reply
Twitter: Mommycosm
says:
OK, lots of comments already. I agree with the following: You totally nailed the look. His armpit hair is gross. And your towel IS bigger.
You win.
Reply
@Ashlie- Mommycosm, I have pit hair too. What makes his gross? The clumpiness?
Reply
Twitter: Mommycosm
on November 30th, 2009 at Monday, November 30, 2009 @ 12:34 pm
@Avitable, Yes, you do both have pit hair. That’s true. I think if he’s going to wax the hair off the rest of his body and lather up in oil, well, don’t forget the pits. It’s out of place – and all clumpy. Makes me want to gag.
Reply
@Ashlie- Mommycosm, and my pit hair tastes like cotton candy.
Reply
SEKSY!
Reply
@Piper of Love, back atcha.
Reply
I’m just proud of all the weight you have lost, seriously. I’m pretty sure that this guy would never have looked so comparable to Levi! Anyway, you have way more guts than I do, fo sho.
Reply
@Hilly, aww, thanks. And that picture makes me shudder!
Reply
I am thinking that it is the body hair that is more um – interesting – than the weight. But you do look great, in any case.
Reply
@Karen, how is it interesting? Does it make a smiley face?
Reply
You look great!!!
And Levi is all greasy and shit. Ick.
Reply
@Sybil Law, well, skinny built guys are supposed to be oily!
Reply
Spot on.
Reply
@Badass Geek, they’re almost indistinguishable, right?
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Dude. I want to print this as a motivational tool, but I’m afraid people would get the wrong idea.
Well done.
(And see how people notice how great you look when they’re not distracted by your nutsack?)
Reply
@LeSombre, yes, but the nutsack would have made it funnier, which is what I was going for! All nutsacks all the time!
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
says:
Is it me or is Levi’s head too big for his body? Looks weird.
You, btw, look great. Keep up the good work!
Reply
@Finn, I think he might just have a weird head.
Reply
Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
I don’t give a rat’s ass what’s going on with the outside. It’s what’s going on with someone’s hear that I care about. And your heart? Is better looking than even George Clooney/Mike Rowe/Sean Connery/Jensen Ackles combined.
Reply
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, awwwww. You’re so sweet! So you’re saying that I’m an ugly fat bastard, too, right?
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
this is better than christmas morning! quite the gift you gave, adam. thanks! and le rowl!
hey…who had the pleasure of photographing you?
Reply
@hello haha narf, Jess. And I wouldn’t call it a pleasure at all.
Reply
Twitter: perpstu
says:
Better face.
Better pecs.
Bigger towel.
You are awesome and Levi looks like a bobblehead!
Reply
@Karin aka perpstu, fun fact: he actually IS a bobblehead!
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
I told you so.
Reply
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), that’s because you’re smartily awesome.
Reply
Levi has nothing on you papa! Hot damn, there are so many dirty, illegal things I want to do to you right now. What will it take to see the version with the towel removed? A picture of my boobs? Just say what you want
Reply
@Marta, stab.
Reply
@Avitable, I’m not sure if I get this reference as I didn’t say anything too different from most of the people… I’ll just pretend you’re wanting to stab me. With your penis.
Reply
Twitter: AmazingGreis
says:
Nice!
Reply
@AmazingGreis, I assume you’re talking about Levi.
Reply
the likeness is uncanny! haha, i love the picture, adam! i’d choose you over levi anyday!
Reply
@Maddie Marie, that’s it. I’m on my way to Iowa.
Reply
Lookin’ good, my dear! Glad you didn’t do any “manscaping”. Oiling would’ve ruined the look too. Perfection. Levi’s got nothing on you!
Reply
@Nenette, so I should cancel my manscaping appointment?
Reply
Adam, Holy FUCK! You look amazing! I can’t believe how much weight you have lost in such a short time!
but… I would have to chose Levi, as ugly as his face is, just becuase I respect his stance on manscaping…chestscaping…uh. What’s the word I’m looking for here? THE LACK OF HAIR. I enjoy the lack of hair. Reduce that sentence into one word, and insert it in its proper place, please and thank you.
Reply
@bluepaintred, you just need to learn to love hair.
Reply
Twitter: hismuse
says:
I’m actually more put off by Levi, I must say.
Reply
@Robin, for his redneckiness? Which is totally a word.
Reply
I agree with others.. I think you look hotter than Levi. I wonder if he waxes his chest.
Reply
@Fluffycat, probably. Or maybe he’s just not enough of a man to have chest hair!
Reply
So…the part that disturbs me wasn’t “OMG! It’s a nekkid photo of Adam, hide my eyes!”
It’s the part where I went more like, “Oh, it’s a nekkid photo of Adam. Not too bad.” :p
Reply
@thepsychobabble, I think you need psychiatric help, obviously.
Reply
@Avitable, so you’re saying I should print this out and bring it to my next session?
Reply
@thepsychobabble, We’re desensitized by the constant viewing of his nutsack, unfortunately.
Reply
Aren’t both pictures of the same guy?
Reply
@Darryl, why yes, they are!
Reply
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I’m having to scoot under my desk a little farther now. Oh wait–there’s a pic of Levi, too!
Reply
@muskrat, just walk around with your Trapper Keeper in front of you.
Reply
I totally prefer the pic of you. The one of Levi– well, let’s just leave it that he’s about as messed up as a soup sandwich.
Reply
@Andria, that’s pretty fucking messed up. And one of us thinks pregnant women are hot.
Reply
Twitter: Zakary
says:
This is the best blog ever. You really look fantastic.
And for the record, you are very handsome.
Reply
@Zakary, awww, thanks! I think you might be looking at the wrong guy, though.
Reply
Twitter: mooshinindy
says:
Do I know funny or what?
Reply
@moosh in indy., you do!
Reply
I am really fascinated by the way your chest hair swirls.
Reply
@pixielation, it’s like one of those 3D stereograms. Can you see the schooner?
Reply
Best. Post. Ever.
Reply
@Aunt Becky, so it took Levi Johnston to make that happen, eh?
Reply
You’re getting too thin. You’ve almost caught up to me. Of course, due to inactivity, I’m going in the other direction. I liked you better when I could honestly say that, although you are married and have more friends and commenters and money, at least I’m thinner. Is there a reverse lap-band procedure you can do to restore balance to the universe?
I don’t know if you modified your template, but it’s now remembering my correct e-mail addy from home.
Reply
@Grant, do you have more hair than I do? Because I’m totally going bald on top.
Reply
Sadly, your bathroom is much nicer than the dingy one he’s posing in.
Reply
@James, I don’t know if his is dingy – I thought it was all black and modern and sleek!
Reply
Virtual fluffer! That’s funny.
Reply
@Valerie, it’s like when someone surrounds themselves with people who are fatter so that they look thinner!
Reply
Does anyone else think Adam looks a lot like Dave2 in this photo?? I mean his face of course, as far as I know Dave2 has not put up semi-naked pictures of himself on his blog!
Reply
@semqf, well, Dave2 is my twin brother . . .
Reply
Holy freaking awesome. You rock.
Reply
@Karen Murphy, I rock out with my cock out! Covered by a towel.
Reply
Congrats on the weight loss – dang, you look great! And quite a bit manlier than Levi.
Reply
@Janer, but on the inside, I’m definitely girlier. He’s an Alaskan redneck – I don’t think you can get manlier than that.
Reply
Twitter: tlkaply
says:
Dude, I am sick of seeing your nakedness everywhere. SICK OF IT.
Reply
@Tracy Lynn, oh, you love it. That’s why you keep emailing me and asking for the towel-less photos!
Reply
Guts man… Guts. Glory, too. But mostly guts.
Levi Johnston is still a dick, even if he’s using a towel to hide it.
Reply
@martymankins, lots of guts – and love handles.
Reply
you have more symmetrical nipples… his left (right? whatever) nipple is all downturned and shit- and quite frankly it freaks me out… it’s like boy had a boob job that went horribly horribly wrong and now he has a warped nipple.
So, um, congrats on having nicer nipples than a playgirl model!!
Reply
@pottymouthmommy, it’s always been my goal in life to have better nipples than a Playgirl model, so thank you.
Reply
Um? Sessy. Team Adam. (Keep on keeping on with the plan, man… looking good. For reals.)
Reply
@Grumble Girl, not Team Levi? Awesome!
Reply
@Avitable, No way! The only Levi I like is on my ass, via denim. You, I will keep in my stalker-love dungeon.
Reply
I could easily print this out but I think it’s best that you send me an 8×10 glossy. Framed. Autographed.
WOOOOOWEEWOOOOOWWWOWWWW.
Reply
But you are sexy, hairy with flesh, that’s OK
Reply
Coming out of lurkdom to say Wow! You are mighty tasty just as you are. Certainly wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers. Scrawny hairless guy doesn’t hold a candle to a real man with some meat on his bones.
Reply
It is days like these that I wish I were gay. So much to hug!
JaredCC
Reply