Lincoln University, a primarily black university, requires students to have their BMI tested and their waist circumference measured. Those above a certain threshold have to take an exercise class that meets three times a week or else they will not be allowed to graduate. The university sees this as part of their responsibility to help students meet the real world head on by addressing “when certain factors, certain behaviors, attitudes, whatever, are going to hinder that student from achieving and maximizing their life goals” (never mind that the chairman of the department can’t even write a grammatically correct sentence and understand the difference between a singular subject and plural objects).
Some people might think that they’ve gone too far. I think that they haven’t gone far enough. Here are some more requirements I think should be implemented:
- Smokers should be required to do cardiovascular activity three hours a week.
- Students with perpetual BO should be hosed down and scrubbed with brushes at least twice a week.
- Everyone who wears their pants down too far or clothes that are too tight resulting in layers of fat sticking out needs to take “Tim Gunn 101: Fashion Mistakes and You”.
- Sluts and manwhores are required to work once a week at the local VD clinic and once a week at the local abortion clinic.
- Anybody who has fingernails that are longer than an inch must take an intensive advanced typing class.
- All virgins must take a class trip to Vegas to lose their virginity.
- Vegetarians must kill one cow a month.
- Students who drink more than one alcoholic drink a week will be required to go live under a bridge and share a bottle of hooch with a hobo every other Thursday.
- Anyone who lies will be killed by ninjas for being dishonorable.
- Everyone with a facial tattoo or other tacky tattoo must practice saying “Would you like fries with that?” 100 times a week.
- Anyone caught playing roleplaying games will be required to join the football, lacrosse, or rugby team.
- Any student who plays competitive sports must take one business class, one marketing class, and one How To Kill Your Wife and Get Away With It Like OJ class.
- All students with a GPA of 3.8 or higher should be required to attend a seminar entitled “Your GPA doesn’t mean shit after you get your job so don’t rely on it.”
- Any student caught cheating will be bailed out by the university with a full scholarship and a $20,000/year stipend.
Maybe if all universities followed these guidelines, we’d end up with a graduating class that could reach their full potential and maximize their life goals. We can only dream!
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Me and the International Baccalaureate Program
Twitter: bellaventa
says:
…but role playing games prepare you for your sexual future, Adam! All of the other classes are awesome!
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@Robin, I’m with you on this one!
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Okay… that was PURE AWESOME!!!
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I’m trying to think of a better adjective than the overused “awesome.” This post is groovy. Cool? Ok, it made me giggle.
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That was so funny that I actually spit coffee out reading it.
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I think after the cardiovascular the smokers have to do, they should be required to hold a plastic bag over their head for 30-45 seconds to simulate a collapsed lung.
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I am totally in for the Tim Gunn 101 requirement! I’m sorry, but if you wear your pants down so far that you have to hold them up by the pockets or they’ll fall the rest of the way…. it’s too much!
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“All students with a GPA of 3.8 or higher should be required to attend a seminar entitled “Your GPA doesn’t mean shit after you get your job so don’t rely on it.”
I think I could teach that one.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
My question is not whether or not the department chair can write a grammatically correct sentence, but whether or not he and all his staff are in good enough physical shape to be able to warrant mandating this rule upon students.
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Reducing rascal reveals really righteous re-education requirements. Reality!!!
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I’m down with anything involving Tim Gunn
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‘All students with a GPA of 3.8 or higher should be required to attend a seminar entitled “Your GPA doesn’t mean shit after you get your job so don’t rely on it.”‘
Ha ha. Totally.
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As I understand it, being non-white is also a factor students will have to face in the real world, so they should undergo bi-weekly bleaching treatments.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Whatever happened to survival of the fittest? Thin the herd!
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I read that story and couldn’t believe it was true. It’s one thing to require your students to take a fitness course sometime during their curriculum, but they have gone too far. College students are adults, they are free to make their own choices and live any lifestyle they desire. What this school is doing is wrong.
Another rule is if you are into anal, you should be required to have your anus bleached. No one likes a dirty asshole.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
although it won’t surprise you to know this, i have shared bottles of booze with homeless people. (several times, actually. usually around 3 in the morning.) gotta love atlanta’s olympic centennial park!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I can’t believe how incredibly misguided these policy makers are. Does this mean if studies show that attractive people do better in corporate America that a school could potentially say that you had to be pretty/handsome to graduate? LAME. I mean, who would network our computers or do our taxes, then? ::ducks::
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
‘All students with a GPA of 3.8 or higher should be required to attend a seminar entitled “Your GPA doesn’t mean shit after you get your job so don’t rely on it.” Thank God. I’ll stop studying so hard. A nice C average should do just fine!
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I would’ve spent a lot of time under bridges with these rules.
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Smokers and whores!
Also?
[insert ranty diatribe about civil liberties here]
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i completely agree.
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Twitter: floatingprncess
says:
Genius!!
Whatever happened to free will and civil liberties? This society wants to regulate and legislate us right into 1984.
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Does the cafeteria only serve the thin kids too?
Others must enroll in Jenny Craig?
I love Tim Gunn. I would be his slave if I could.
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your rules make about as much sense as the BMI rule.
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Adding- by which I mean, if they are going to enact an asshat rule like that, they should seriously consider your rules.
Apparently, it’s nap time, b/c I’m not fully coherent.
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preposterous Big Brother trips. eff everybody.
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I think that the Tim Gunn 101 rule should be eliminated as soon as possible.
And my brother in law, who used to be into the role playing games, is now into Jugging. A game fought with weapons for a skull.
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Faiqa took my comment!!
She’s so fucking cool.
Wait – what are we talking about again?
Oh. Ugly students should have to take a class about making creative paper bag head covers.
I really need a nap.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I was disgusted by that news. Fuck society telling me how to live my life. It’s already ruled ENOUGH.
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Twitter: elizawhat
says:
I tried to leave a comment on the story itself but I think CNN ate it.
This policy is discrimination and makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t believe no one has complained until now — and I can’t believe that they haven’t been sued.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Are colleges even important anymore?
I hear online universities is where it’s at…
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I like this list.
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