Lincoln University, a primarily black university, requires students to have their BMI tested and their waist circumference measured. Those above a certain threshold have to take an exercise class that meets three times a week or else they will not be allowed to graduate. The university sees this as part of their responsibility to help students meet the real world head on by addressing "when certain factors, certain behaviors, attitudes, whatever, are going to hinder that student from achieving and maximizing their life goals" (never mind that the chairman of the department can't even write a grammatically correct sentence and understand the difference between a singular subject and plural objects).

Some people might think that they've gone too far. I think that they haven't gone far enough. Here are some more requirements I think should be implemented:

• Smokers should be required to do cardiovascular activity three hours a week.
• Students with perpetual BO should be hosed down and scrubbed with brushes at least twice a week.
• Everyone who wears their pants down too far or clothes that are too tight resulting in layers of fat sticking out needs to take "Tim Gunn 101: Fashion Mistakes and You".
• Sluts and manwhores are required to work once a week at the local VD clinic and once a week at the local abortion clinic.
• Anybody who has fingernails that are longer than an inch must take an intensive advanced typing class.
• All virgins must take a class trip to Vegas to lose their virginity.
• Vegetarians must kill one cow a month.
• Students who drink more than one alcoholic drink a week will be required to go live under a bridge and share a bottle of hooch with a hobo every other Thursday.
• Anyone who lies will be killed by ninjas for being dishonorable.
• Everyone with a facial tattoo or other tacky tattoo must practice saying "Would you like fries with that?" 100 times a week.
• Anyone caught playing roleplaying games will be required to join the football, lacrosse, or rugby team.
• Any student who plays competitive sports must take one business class, one marketing class, and one How To Kill Your Wife and Get Away With It Like OJ class.
• All students with a GPA of 3.8 or higher should be required to attend a seminar entitled "Your GPA doesn't mean shit after you get your job so don't rely on it."
• Any student caught cheating will be bailed out by the university with a full scholarship and a $20,000/year stipend.

Maybe if all universities followed these guidelines, we'd end up with a graduating class that could reach their full potential and maximize their life goals. We can only dream!

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