Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

If Dear Abby had a set of testicles

Way back in March, I helped the ladies of Cosmo. Now I’m focusing my genius and years of experience on the poor saps who write letters to Dear Abby.

STEAMED IN VAN NUYS asks:

For 20 years I have gone to considerable thought and expense to carefully select nice holiday cards to send to a varied client base. I have tried to be considerate and sensitive to any cultural and religious differences.

My Christian friends wanted explicitly religious cards, the Hanukkah cards were not religious enough, and the middle-of-the-road “Season’s Greetings” were termed “wishy-washy secular.” My own family is a feuding stew of different faiths.

This year? I’ve had it. I sent Thanksgiving cards with the following quote from Theodore Roosevelt: “Let us remember that as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds.”

It bothers me that a simple delivery of good wishes was met with such a resounding show of bad manners and ill will, and I see no point in continuing. My mother says I expect too much of people and that this will backfire. I’m past caring and have no more cheeks left to turn. I agreed to abide by your advice. What say you?

Avitable answers: STEAMED, winter holiday cards are so passe. Try sending cards for Arbor Day, Guy Fawkes Day, or Hitler’s birthday, and that way you can connect with your clients and friends without offending any of them.

LOST FOR WORDS asks:

My 8-year-old granddaughter has posed a question that stumped me, and I hope you can help with an answer: Why be neat and well-groomed?

She doesn’t care what people think of how she looks. She sees no problem wearing clothes that are torn, etc. I am concerned that by the time she reaches adolescence she won’t care how she looks when she leaves the house.

Her hair is extremely curly. It can’t be combed or it gets wilder and frizzier, which adds to her unkempt appearance. Her hair may improve as she gets older if she’s motivated to spend the extra time.

I am challenged by her question. How can I answer her?

Avitable answers: LOST, you tell her that unless she lives in 1974, nobody wants a huge mondo bush, and she should shave that pussy.

BREADWINNER asks:

I have been seeing a guy, “Casey,” for three years. I have two children by another man, and Casey took them on as if they were his. They even call him “Daddy.” I’m grateful I have someone who takes such good care of my kids. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

There’s just one problem. Casey has a hard time keeping a job. He has had more than a dozen jobs during the last three years. The only income we have is mine, and it’s not very much. We struggle quite a bit, and we fight about money. Things would be better if Casey would get a job and keep it, but I can’t get him to understand that. Sometimes I feel like he’s using me.

I want to stay with Casey, but now and then I also think I’d be better off if I left him. What can I do to make him understand that he needs to keep a job? Or, because I love him, should I stand beside him no matter what?

Avitable answers: BREADWINNER, maybe you should get off his fucking back, okay? Some men just need that freedom to move from job to job, and their self esteem is tied heavily into their identity as “Tattoo Artist” one week and “Discount Tire Salesman” the next.

Try this: next time he comes in and tells you he quit or got fired (but was totally going to quit anyway because they didn’t treat him the way that he deserved to be treated) and brings home a giant TV or video game system that he bought with your money, instead of yelling at him about something as stupid as money and paying your bills, give him a big hug and say “You are my beautiful free spirit and I want you to fly free.” And then blow him.

BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO asks:

I am an 11-year-old girl who loves going shopping and doing various stuff with my mom. But when we go to the mall or stop for lunch and she hears a song she likes, she’ll start singing to it. And if we’re standing up, she even dances to it a little.

I have tried telling her to stop because she’s embarrassing me, but all she says is, “No one is looking, honey.” She also does it at home in front of my friends when I play my iPod. Any suggestions?

Avitable says: BLUSHING, you should be ashamed of yourself. When I was 11, my mother used to walk around the mall with me wearing nothing but pasties and a sequined thong. When she heard songs she liked, she’d find one of my friends, sit him down, and give him a lapdance. Four of my closest friends lost their virginity with my mom. At the same time!

Maybe you should appreciate that your mom likes music, but doesn’t like it so much that it makes her lactate or orgasm loudly, because let me tell you, that’s way more embarrassing. Gain some fucking perspective.

TRYING IN TEMPE asks:

A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer. She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she may be going in for more surgery.

I am finding it difficult to show much empathy for my boss. Despite having had the disease she continues to live an unhealthy lifestyle. She still smokes, has a couple of drinks a day and eats a lot of red meat. I don’t drink or smoke and I’m a vegetarian, so I can’t understand why a person would risk her health by doing these things.

We have received several newsletters at work from our insurance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn’t taken any of the advice. Abby, it’s not like I have come right out and said, “It’s your own fault,” but it’s frustrating to listen to her problems when she won’t try to live a healthy lifestyle. She’s generally whiny to begin with, and now she seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.

Avitable says: TRYING, you are completely right. It’s obviously all her fault!

Whether it’s her failure to follow the guidelines that might have some benefit for her or maybe just karma from her being a shitty person, she obviously deserves to die from a terminal illness. I’d suggest shaking your head and chuckling at her every time you see her, and maybe sending her a card that says “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don’t have cancer, but you do.” Fuck her!

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52 Replies to “If Dear Abby had a set of testicles”

  1. B.E. Earl

    Reminds me of he old “Dear Trubba Man” columns that the National Lampoon used to run. In a good way. The photo of Trubba Man at the top of the column was a headshot of Joe Frazier or some other punch-drunk boxer from the 70’s. Classic!

      • avatgardener

        @Avitable, Mirriam webster says “usually old” but the best definition comes from concentric.net/~marlowe/curdef.shtml a person who does not hate mankind, but the absurdities of mankind.
        House is the best curmudgeon there is, and he isn’t really that old, is he? I would posit that curmudgeon is more a state of mind one has developed after years of noticing that idiots are still among us and they continue to breed! Like Bitch is most often a state of mind, if I may be so bold.
        I am married to a curmudgeon, he has been that way since he was about 28 and his c’ness is merely more refined as he has gotten older. It sucks to be him married to me, I am a PollyAnna. We are like Archie Bunker and Edith (a reference that truly dates me!!)

  2. Nenette

    mmm… testicles… whoa, wait, did I type that out loud?!

    Dear Adam, What should I do? I apparently have a thing about testicles and typing things out loud…

    Seriously (or is it?), it’s always fun to see your angle on things. Bring on the “Dear Adam”, I say!

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