Yesterday’s post (along with the “We Can Fix Your Life” episodes of Clearly You’re Retarded that Britt and I did) made me realize that I am probably destined to be a guru. I know the answers to everything and I always have sage advice that is always right. Someday I’ll be famous for my advice and people will pay me millions to get the answers to their problems. For now, though, I’m offering it for free.
Use the comments or email me at adam (at) avitable (dot) com with any questions you have. Do you need advice about a relationship? Family problems? Insecurity about your job? Whatever ails you, I can help.
If the questions are good enough, I’ll make this into a weekly or bi-weekly feature, so don’t fail me now, people!
Enjoy this post? Try these:Dear Avitable Weekly Column #1
We can fix your life
Anonymous, you are my favorite person
Recently, I read a book entitled Daemon. It was a very interesting techno-thriller. In the book, however, someone kept referring to a blow job as “getting laid”. (Told you, good book!) I’ve quite literally been pondering this for several weeks now. I don’t think I consider oral sex as “getting laid”. What is your opinion, oh wise one?
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
on December 3rd, 2009 at Thursday, December 3, 2009 @ 12:22 am
@Kellee, I think this was answered during the Clinton administration.
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Twitter: ellemmes
on December 3rd, 2009 at Thursday, December 3, 2009 @ 1:14 am
@CP, bwahahaha! Awesome. Simply awesome.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Dear Adam,
I’m having a problem with a woman that I really like, but I think she sees me as just a friend. A dull friend. We work together as well, so that could be part of the problem. But I just don’t think she is seeing the real me. Around her I’m always stumbling and bumbling. A real nerd is what I am around her. I guess it doesn’t help matters that she is so confident all the time. It’s one of the things about her that I admire so much, and I admire how it translates into success for her at work. She’s a reporter for a large metropolitan newspaper, by the way. So am I, but I don’t really see myself in her league in that arena quite yet, although I’ve been known to excel in some of my other endeavors. But I don’t like to brag.
It’s funny, because when I’m not around her I am Super-confident. I mean I really feel like I could fly sometimes, or at least leap over the tallest buildings in town. I think that other people see me as I see me, but it escapes her for some reason. Maybe it’s the way I wear my hair. Maybe it’s these dorky eye glasses I’ve always got on. I don’t really know.
What advice can you give to a farm-raised boy scout like myself when it comes to finding love in the big city?
Signed,
Mild-Mannered in Metropolis
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@Kal E., Ahhhh, you so rock.
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Are you going to offer real advice or make jokes? I think you’re very smart and have some questions I would love another perspective from but would like to know this isn’t a gag. Should I email you instead?
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I’m up for a full hysterectomy on Friday- can you tell me what it’s like being a menopausal 25 year old woman? And really, please, tell me I won’t be getting chin hair.. *shudders* Because dear god, if I come out of this looking like you in the pictures to the right, I’m just going to give myself an air embolism while I’m in the hospital.
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Twitter: nualathewriter
on December 4th, 2009 at Friday, December 4, 2009 @ 11:21 am
@Becca, I had my hysterectomy at 28 and still have no chin hair. Bonus is, you can now have sex anytime you want, and no more periods. period.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Yesterday I blogged about being taken advantage of by my boss, (and not in the good way), and I need a good way to deal with this. She has no kids and no life so she doesn’t think twice about working in to the night, but I got a Hot Hunky Hubby, family, and budding roller derby career to attend to! I tried the advice others gave in my comments to no avail. Short of going postal up in this bitch, how do I make her see that I can’t do two different jobs at once? Also, how the hell do I get a clone so I can do everything should my boss continue to be obtuse?? (I’d name her Bitch Blondie!)
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Should I dye the rug to match the curtains?
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How can I get a Japanese girlfriend without resorting to violence or date rape drugs?
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I would like to know why Telly Savalas’ eyeglasses were always sitting crookedly on his face on the show KOJAK.
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Adam:
My dog insists on wearing designer dog clothes. She wants to dress up like Paris’ Tinkerbell. I’m not scheduled to inherit a fortune in this life, and I can barely keep myself in Jimmy Choo’s. How do I convince her that “naked” is okay
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Dear Adam,
Yesterday I was stuck in a room for over a half an hour with a guy who was a gum smacking whore. I couldn’t leave because I was almost nekkid and he was running his probe up my leg. I couldn’t smack him because he was quite a bit older than me and my parents taught me to respect my elders. What is the proper ettiquete for dealing with gum smacking whores, both when fully clothed and when half nekkid, probe optional?
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I’m having inappropriate dreams about you since the shower picture post. Does this mean I play for the “other team” now? Suddenly, I’m second-guessing my affinity for drag every Halloween (and most Saturdays).
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I want to stalk Kevin Spacey, what do you recommend?
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ok, i’ll ask it: how do i get the wife to let me in the back door?
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Dear Adam,
My cell phone provider does not support the IPhone. It’s also the only semi-reliable provider in this particular part of the Boondocks. I’m seriously considering moving closer to civilization, so we can have reliable high speed internet and IPhones.
Except. I hate people. Mostly.
Thoughts?
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Twitter: msbatman
says:
Just a couple really quick questions.
1) WTF?
and
2) Why does Monday have such a bad rep?
I will wait patiently for your reply
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My mother recently dropped off the face of the planet. Which, really, wouldn’t be such a *bad* thing except that now I get tons of spam crap from her. In one week I got three job postings (one for DH), an email with about 10 links to YouTube vids and half a dozen ‘Crispy’ emails. You know, the kind that tell the story about some dude with a bible & no fucking job.
I told her to quit spamming me and she got PISSED. What gives?
1. Don’t we all have the right to ask our friends/relatives to quit sending us shit?
2. Why the hell does my non-christian mom want to send me crispy mail?
3. Why the hell am I asking you?
I await your wisdom….
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
I want props and 50% royalties when you get syndicated. Thanks!
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeeeaah, NO.
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Dear Adam,
My deadbeat, unemployed, alcoholic former-BIL (let’s call him Gus) recently got himself a dog, because he’s lonely, and naturally needs another life to destroy with his stupidity and neglect. Anyway, he named this cute-but-dumb dog in honour of his favourite movie “This is Spinal Tap”. Last week, Gus landed himself in the slammer (again!), and we are taking care of this dog. Correction, we WERE taking care of the dog until it jumped the fence and ran away.
Now, I find myself having to make “Have you seen this dog? Answers to the name ‘Lick My Love Pump’” posters. And frankly I don’t want to. Should I bother or should I let some kind soul turn him in to the Humane Society where he’ll get adopted by someone who will give him a better life and a better name?
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Dear Adam,
2 years and a promotion later I still haven’t gotten any raise or bonus. I work tons of hours, bill more than the other two billers bill put together, and wear two hats in the company. How do I approach this subject…for the third time?
Poor Single Mom
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Ron and Dennis were roomates in college. Ron had lots of women. Dennis had none. After college, Ron came out. Dennis still doesn’t have a woman and hates Ron. Do you think Ron puts the moves on Dennis in college? Vice Versa?
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