On the 29th anniversary of John Lennon’s death, I thought I’d take the time to interview him:
Me: So, I’m sitting here with John Lennon, one of the Fab Four. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, John.
JL: Well, it’s like, there’s not much to do here, you know, so I’ve got the time, man.
Me: Now, is it true that you were actually kind of a douchebag?
JL: What?
Me: Well, you got some weird Asian midget pregnant while you were married but tried to claim your wife was the adulterous one.
JL: Oh, well, see, it’s like, man, a different world back then and we were all about free love and, you know, peace.
Me: Do you think that Yoko Ono was good for you?
JL: Yes, man, she was brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Did you know that she created this fantastic piece of art where the every man could walk into the gallery, see, and, you know, take a hammer and bang! bang! bang! hammer nails into a board. It blew my fuckin’ mind.
Me: But wasn’t she a primary reason that your band broke up?
JL: Well, you know, it was time. It wasn’t a great disaster, and, like, with all the hate and anger and bad energy in the world, you know, this is just a rock group that split up. It’s nothing important.
Me: Well, many people out there think that The Beatles are the greatest band in history. I’m not one of them, though. Personally, I don’t like your music that much and prefer The Rolling Stones instead.
JL: And I’d prefer to punch you in the fucking nose.
Me: Whoa. What happened to the hippie relaxed almost to the level of idiocy?
JL: That’s all an act. All that “we’re selling peace” and “we’re bigger than Jesus” shit was just propaganda created by our handlers.
Me: Handlers?
JL: Yup. See, we didn’t actually find each other organically. We were hired by promoters who wanted to compete with Elvis in the States. They hired us, trained us, changed our names, and made us famous. My real name was Hubert Kronsweigel.
Me: I also notice that you don’t have a British accent anymore.
JL: Of course not – are you slow? I’m actually from Philly.
Me: So, then what happened with Yoko? Was that real or a facade?
JL: That was real. I got too big for my britches and thought that I was untouchable. They showed me.
Me: Are you implying that the people who manufactured The Beatles had you killed?
JL: It’s true. Mark David Chapman was actually in training to become the next Meat Loaf when they tapped him to kill me.
Me: I’m finding this hard to believe. Are you high right now?
JL: Well, yes. But that’s beside the point. The music industry runs the world! They can make you go crazy, like Britney or Whitney Houston. They can ruin your reputation as a teen heartthrob by outing you, like they did with Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake.
Me: Justin’s not gay or out of the closet!
JL: Yet.
Me: And I bet that they also killed Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
JL: And Aaliyah and the Big Bopper and John Denver and Kurt Cobain and Left Eye Lopes and Michael Jackson.
Me: Wow, my mind has officially been blown.
JL: It’s what I do. Now do you have any final questions before I go find something salty to munch on?
Me: Yeah. What was the last thing that went through your mind before you died?
JL: A bullet, man. A bullet.
Me: But you were shot in the back, not the head.
JL: Was I, man? Was I?
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Interview with John Hughes
My Interview with ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage
My interview with Robert Novak from Crossfire
Twitter: Blogography
says:
Nothing on what kind of score he can get playing Beatles Rock Band? Where’s Larry King when you need somebody to ask the tough questions??
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i like chicken pot pies
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
The ending made me laugh much too hard.
Maybe because I read the entire thing playing his voice in my head.
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How dare you bring JT into this.
Mmm, Justin Timberlake.
Also, like Maria, John Lennon’s voice was in my head the whole time. Even when YOU were doing the talking. Weird.
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Horribly high hubristic Hubert hassles Heaven, horrifies happy host.
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
on December 8th, 2009 at Tuesday, December 8, 2009 @ 3:38 pm
@avatgardener, have I told you how much I love your alliteration? Your comments make me laugh all the time.
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@CP, which is why i choose this method to comment. also it keeps my aged mind limber.
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For a dead guy, he sure keeps up on current events.
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Hahahaha!
This was my favorite dead post, by far.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Can I make a request? Janis Joplin man.
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i couldn’t tell if the voice in my head was him…or the Animaniacs. You definitely should’ve asked about the Animaniacs (…Dot is cute and Yakko yaks!)
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wow. Now *I* want a brownie.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I would’ve asked more questions about his shared time with Forrest Gump on the The Dick Cavett Show.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
When he mentioned Elvis, you should have asked him if they hang out on the other side. I’m with Dave, we need Larry King here.
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I’m team Rolling Stones, too. Rock on…
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Ugh.
John Lennon.
I hate him.
But you already knew that.
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You are the next Barbara Walters. For sure.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i’ve never been a beatles fan.
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John Lennon is dead? But I thought he just got through with contributing to Russia’s political system.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
This goes right along with the dream I had about doing angel dust the other night.
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Aaahahahahahaha. I’m not a fan of Lennon. This was pure awesomesauce.
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AHA! I have always thought that hippie peace and love shit was just an excuse to HO-BAG AROUND WHILE HIGH!
Love the blog!
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
I was so afraid I was going to have to “de-friend” you with this post.
(Love John Lennon more than my children)
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
This would be so right if it wasn’t so wrong…..and the fact that I am over here hysterical totally cements my place deeper and deeper in Hell.
Will you be bringing the Tequila?
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ok soooo lovin’ it and totally hearing the voice in my head too ~ thought I would hayte it as I am a big ol’ hippie and a total Lennon freakazoid, but I’m feeling the peace and love over here, that’s for shure!
And pass the munchies…
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Those are some tough questions.
I’m surprised JL didn’t get the “A Day In The Life” reference in your question.
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