Dear Avitable Weekly Column #1

Last week I solicited advice questions for my new weekly advice column. I chose a few of the questions I received to answer in today’s post, my inaugural advice column:

Blondefabulous asked:

Yesterday I blogged about being taken advantage of by my boss, (and not in the good way), and I need a good way to deal with this. She has no kids and no life so she doesn’t think twice about working in to the night, but I got a Hot Hunky Hubby, family, and budding roller derby career to attend to! I tried the advice others gave in my comments to no avail. Short of going postal up in this bitch, how do I make her see that I can’t do two different jobs at once? Also, how the hell do I get a clone so I can do everything should my boss continue to be obtuse??

Avitable answers: This is a very simple solution. You’ve obviously made yourself invaluable to her, and now you need to use that to your advantage. Tell her that you need to speak with her in private and then tell her that you’re very happy working there. Tell her that you feel like you’ve been able to contribute to the business in a way that other employees don’t. And then let her know that you feel like your responsibilities have reached a level that is no longer commensurate with the income you receive. Say “I would like us to examine my responsibilities and try to reach a solution that will prevent me from burning out, robbing you of a valuable asset, but also compensating me fairly for the work that I’ve been doing above and beyond my current role at the company.”

And if that doesn’t work, try the opposite approach. Start spending every waking second with her. Sneak into her house in the morning and make breakfast while she’s in the shower. Create a small altar to her at work and include photos that you’ve stolen from her home. Ask her for a lock of her hair. When she walks by, smell the air really loudly and say “Mmmmmmmm”. It won’t take more than a week for her to decide that maybe you’re spending too much time with her and she’ll give you the space you need.

Becky asked:

Just a couple really quick questions.
1) WTF?

and
2) Why does Monday have such a bad rep?

Avitable answers: I’d have to write a treatise to answer your first question properly, invoking theories of chaos theory, fractal geometry and advanced quantum mechanics. All I can do is just give you the short answer: 39.

As for your second question, Monday has a bad reputation because Tuesday and Wednesday kept loaning Monday money for crazy investment idea after crazy investment idea. They were willing to overlook Monday’s poor decision making until Friday saw Monday murder Swoosday for ten dollars and bury her under a bridge. After that, nobody wants to deal with Monday ever again. And now our weekends are only two days long instead of three. RIP, Swoosday.

And last, but most certainly not least, Nenette asks:

My deadbeat, unemployed, alcoholic former-BIL (let’s call him Gus) recently got himself a dog, because he’s lonely, and naturally needs another life to destroy with his stupidity and neglect. Anyway, he named this cute-but-dumb dog in honour of his favourite movie “This is Spinal Tap”. Last week, Gus landed himself in the slammer (again!), and we are taking care of this dog. Correction, we WERE taking care of the dog until it jumped the fence and ran away.

Now, I find myself having to make “Have you seen this dog? Answers to the name ‘Lick My Love Pump’” posters. And frankly I don’t want to. Should I bother or should I let some kind soul turn him in to the Humane Society where he’ll get adopted by someone who will give him a better life and a better name?

Avitable answers: Since the Humane Society also euthanizes dogs who don’t get adopted quick enough, you risk Lick My Love Pump having his pump run dry before his time is up if you stand idly by. While you can’t control Gus or try to teach him animal responsibility, you can lead by example. I suggest adopting Lick My Love Pump into your family and demonstrating how a stable family with little to no prison time (except for that one time that you streaked across that football field) might be a more appropriate setting to raise a cute but dumb dog. And if you don’t know if you have room in your heart for a dog, I only have one thing to say: Crank it up to 11.

Do you need advice of the Avitable kind? Is there something you think Dear Abby can’t handle? Leave your questions in the comments. If you already asked a question last week, don’t worry – I’ll still pick some from there too!