With all of the recent news of Tiger Woods’s numerous dalliances outside of his marriage, starting to climb into the double digits, everyone is starting to wonder what we really know about Tiger Woods. The answer: not much. Here are some other things that I’ll bet you didn’t know about the world’s best golfer:
- He is half Asian, half Native American, half black, half Alaskan bear and half deciduous tree.
- Before he chose “Tiger” as his first name, he tried out “Puma”, “Wolverine” and “Gecko” first.
- Even if he loses all of his endorsements, he’ll still be sponsored proudly by GiGi, the Home Microwave Brazilian Waxing Kit; Jim & Judy’s Do-it-yourself Divorce Kits; and Donald Trump.
- He’s recently fired his PR consulting team that consists of TMZ’s Harvey Levin, Bill Clinton, and Hugh Hefner.
- He generously offers his women the choice of the putter or driver.
- He and a baby seal share one thing in common: they’ve both been beaten by a Norwegian with a club.
- It’s not that he’s a man whore; it’s just that it took him a lot of practice to realize that less strokes are only better on the golf course.
- He’s secretly orchestrating the deaths of one or more of the Jonas Brothers in order to distract from the media circus that has become his life.
- His tax returns show various significant expenses for “ball cleaners”.
- His downfall was secretly orchestrated by Jon Gosselin.
The most offensively stereotypical joke in the world: An Avitable original
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Stick your LOL up your ROTFLMAO
*Snicker*
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Oh PLEASE! Just jumping on the band wagon. Need a post!
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This is fantastic… very funny.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
This was just mildly funny until the club-wielding Norwegian crack. Why must it take the senseless murder of defenseless animals to make me laugh out loud?
Thanks for making me realize that I *am* a really sick bitch.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Doesn’t he live in your nape of the woods? (Caddyshack joke)
You should go visit him and see if he needs a friend in these hard times. Then you could change your header pic. You and Tiger…eating ice cream and stuff. I like it.
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
“He is half Asian, half Native American, half black, half Alaskan bear and half deciduous tree.”
This made me spit out my Crystal Light.
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I love you Adam Avitable.
PS. I hope he’s not planning on killing the cute Jonas Brother. Sadly, I don’t know his name because I’m not a 12 year old girl. In reality, I’m more like a 12 year old boy.
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Terrific telling of titillating Tiger tidbits totally tallies.
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@avatgardener, BTW, he and I had an affair of the kitchen. He would come to my place once a month for a good home cooked meal. I suppose you could say I was subsidized, as he bought the groceries. Hubby didn’t mind, he got to eat with us. We NEVER talked about golf. The man really has some great opinions about so much of the shit going on in the world. I was going to suggest he run for President after the golf thing wore out, but not so much now.
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Twitter: leeleykeel
says:
hi.larious.
and @avatgardener, ME TOO! except only when he was in Canada. Or Upstate NY. Or when visiting his relatives, the polar bears.
that lion cheetah…
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It’s not that he’s a man whore; it’s just that it took him a lot of practice to realize that less strokes are only better on the golf course.
Every man who golfs and is a man-whore should totally use this excuse.
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hehehe
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
“He and a baby seal share one thing in common: they’ve both been beaten by a Norwegian with a club.”
Heh. That was a good one.
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Like you I have been glued to the tv and news website. He’s such a handsome man but I he sure is jerk for all of that sex outside of his marriage. You should write a post about how we should call him Tiger Sex instead of Tiger Woods! LOL!!!
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Just a quick comment to say so far I have successfully avoided learning whatever is going on in his life, and so I didn’t read today’s post in the fear that it might contain real information.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I like Gecko Woods.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i just don’t see why anyone, other than his wife, cares how many broads he was banging. our country is fucked up.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
also…this made me laugh the hardest: He is half Asian, half Native American, half black, half Alaskan bear and half deciduous tree.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Wow, that’s ten more things about Tiger I could care less about.
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Twitter: msmegan
, December 14th, 2009: 9:48 AM
That should be, “I could NOT care less about.”
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Wow, that’s ten more things about Tiger I could not care less about.
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It was the ball cleaners one that made me LOL! I agree with hellohahnarf – I seriously don’t give a damn who he’s fucking, either. It was on my local news scroll that he lost s sponser! WTF?!
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I can’t believe Jon Gosselin would orchestrate–secretly or otherwise–Wolverine’s downfall. That would take the media’s attention away from him, after all. And what other reason does he have to live if he’s not in the spotlight.
So I say, THANK YOU, Wolverine! Thanks to you, we’ve all gotten a well-deserved break from the Gosselins, Taylor Swift, and that guy who cheated on his wife who looks like a man.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Snort. Love the “He’s secretly orchestrating the deaths of one or more of the Jonas Brothers”.
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…Tiger got wood…
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Hey, Jon Gosselin is a hero for escaping from that bitch Kate!
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Damn you Adam, how dare you mention Jon Gosselin in the same breath with Tiger Woods. Do you really think Jon is remotely intelligent enough to even sneak past the gates at Isleworth? I think Jon was too busy hassling the Hoff, not Tiger. This Woods job was an inside job handled by Tony from Frosted Flakes. Animated or not, Tony was pissed no one thought of him when someone said Tiger. Tony was jealous at all the hot bitches Tiger Woods gets. Tony gets the little league world series, aint no swimwear models hanging around there.
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… and (11) he’s in Agony, which is a terrible name for a stripper, if you ask me.
(not mine, heard on the radio)
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Hehehe.
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I bet he and Jon Gosselin would make good friends.
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Loved the “He’s secretly orchestrating the deaths of one or more of the Jonas Brothers in order to distract from the media circus that has become his life” … but worry that if something happens to a Jonas Brother you’re on a “list”.
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So. Wrong. (but funny)
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You forgot that he is not changing his name to Cheetah.
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I’m glad he decided not to go with Wolverine. That’s totally going to be my first-born son’s name.
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