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What else is Tiger not telling us?

tiger-woodsWith all of the recent news of Tiger Woods’s numerous dalliances outside of his marriage, starting to climb into the double digits, everyone is starting to wonder what we really know about Tiger Woods. The answer: not much. Here are some other things that I’ll bet you didn’t know about the world’s best golfer:

  • He is half Asian, half Native American, half black, half Alaskan bear and half deciduous tree.
  • Before he chose “Tiger” as his first name, he tried out “Puma”, “Wolverine” and “Gecko” first.
  • Even if he loses all of his endorsements, he’ll still be sponsored proudly by GiGi, the Home Microwave Brazilian Waxing Kit; Jim & Judy’s Do-it-yourself Divorce Kits; and Donald Trump.
  • He’s recently fired his PR consulting team that consists of TMZ’s Harvey Levin, Bill Clinton, and Hugh Hefner.
  • He generously offers his women the choice of the putter or driver.
  • He and a baby seal share one thing in common: they’ve both been beaten by a Norwegian with a club.
  • It’s not that he’s a man whore; it’s just that it took him a lot of practice to realize that less strokes are only better on the golf course.
  • He’s secretly orchestrating the deaths of one or more of the Jonas Brothers in order to distract from the media circus that has become his life.
  • His tax returns show various significant expenses for “ball cleaners”.
  • His downfall was secretly orchestrated by Jon Gosselin.
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34 Replies to “What else is Tiger not telling us?”

  1. B.E. Earl

    Doesn’t he live in your nape of the woods? (Caddyshack joke)

    You should go visit him and see if he needs a friend in these hard times. Then you could change your header pic. You and Tiger…eating ice cream and stuff. I like it.

  2. Shauna

    I love you Adam Avitable.

    PS. I hope he’s not planning on killing the cute Jonas Brother. Sadly, I don’t know his name because I’m not a 12 year old girl. In reality, I’m more like a 12 year old boy.

    • avatgardener

      @avatgardener, BTW, he and I had an affair of the kitchen. He would come to my place once a month for a good home cooked meal. I suppose you could say I was subsidized, as he bought the groceries. Hubby didn’t mind, he got to eat with us. We NEVER talked about golf. The man really has some great opinions about so much of the shit going on in the world. I was going to suggest he run for President after the golf thing wore out, but not so much now.

  3. Hilly

    It’s not that he’s a man whore; it’s just that it took him a lot of practice to realize that less strokes are only better on the golf course.

    Every man who golfs and is a man-whore should totally use this excuse.

  4. Marta

    Like you I have been glued to the tv and news website. He’s such a handsome man but I he sure is jerk for all of that sex outside of his marriage. You should write a post about how we should call him Tiger Sex instead of Tiger Woods! LOL!!!

  5. Grant

    Just a quick comment to say so far I have successfully avoided learning whatever is going on in his life, and so I didn’t read today’s post in the fear that it might contain real information.

  6. JD at I Do Things

    I can’t believe Jon Gosselin would orchestrate–secretly or otherwise–Wolverine’s downfall. That would take the media’s attention away from him, after all. And what other reason does he have to live if he’s not in the spotlight.

    So I say, THANK YOU, Wolverine! Thanks to you, we’ve all gotten a well-deserved break from the Gosselins, Taylor Swift, and that guy who cheated on his wife who looks like a man.

  7. Hockeymandad

    Damn you Adam, how dare you mention Jon Gosselin in the same breath with Tiger Woods. Do you really think Jon is remotely intelligent enough to even sneak past the gates at Isleworth? I think Jon was too busy hassling the Hoff, not Tiger. This Woods job was an inside job handled by Tony from Frosted Flakes. Animated or not, Tony was pissed no one thought of him when someone said Tiger. Tony was jealous at all the hot bitches Tiger Woods gets. Tony gets the little league world series, aint no swimwear models hanging around there.

  8. Janer

    Loved the “He’s secretly orchestrating the deaths of one or more of the Jonas Brothers in order to distract from the media circus that has become his life” … but worry that if something happens to a Jonas Brother you’re on a “list”.

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